Never Be Ready

[Airi-Li Fei's POV]

It took me ten days to come to my consciousness. My mind was disoriented, incapable of discerning which was reality and which was a dream.

But these was all real.

Even the dream. The dream that I wished to be a lie. But what was I saying?

I had no luxury to dream. The least I deserved was but a nightmare. It was the last goodbye. It was the reminder of reality. A reality that told me I was undeniably alone.

So, how should one feel if they woke up into a dark abyss, abandoned, and left alone to survive?

What should one feel to wake up knowing that you alone lived and everyone else had gone?

Even then, I wasn't who I had been. I was awaken into a foreign scenery. A new body. An unfamiliar identity.

I wondered then, what was the point in all these? Second chance?

But I had no regrets. If I could choose, I would gladly choose to walk away. Because this reality, was not my reality. It was someone else's and I couldn't accept, I had to deny. Because then, if I did face it, this second chance to live would only break me. The truth alone could be the knife that ended me.

I was here...alive.

I was the only one out of my family, my best friend, and him.

'Why?'

'Why did God take them but not me?'

Don't tell me that it was mercy and that it was lucky for me to be alive. This wasn't mercy or kindness. For me, this was hell and punishment in its deadliest form.

'Tell me...what did I do wrong to be forced to live once again?'

A drop of tears escaped from my eyes as I closed them off from reality. But to that end, the pain resurfaced and the image of demons began to haunt me like an undying curse.

"I don't care how you do it. Sleep with him if you must! Just make sure you tie him down. I don't want to hear any word of divorce!" The old man shouted.

And yet again, another drop of tears trickled down my cheeks. It felt as if a sharp blade had torn open my soul, leaving it bare and prepped to be hurt.

A round of laughter and faces of mockery began to invade my mind, like a virus that triggered my heart to beat erraticly.

"Mrs. Lu? That's just an empty title. What a joke!"

"She doesn't deserve him!"

"Who doesn't know the great Ms. Huang? You couldn't possibly miss her in the news, right?"

"Stop being such a drama queen! Everyone knows your tricks already, slut!"

I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling.

There was one time when someone had asked this woman Li Fei, "Why do you stay even when they treat you so? Is it worth it?"

She couldn't say it at that time because all the risks that would follow that one sentence which she held dear to her heart. That one sentence capable of stripping her bare in front of all those demons. That one sentence portraying her sole weakness.

She couldn't say it when deep down she knew what his answer would be. So why said it when she could just deny and make believe for her own satisfaction? Why should she risk it if it would all end the same?

But now I was her, I knew the answer.

She loved him.

She simply loved him, dearly.

So yes, for her it was all worth it.

The endless tears and the pain was worth every inch of her heart. And I knew for sure, if she was ever given a chance to turn back time, she would choose the same because she loved him even if he didn't.

Because for me, anything would be worth it if it was for Lian-ge as well.

But there was no more for the both of us, for Li Fei or for me, Airi. There was no more love. No more feelings. Only a scar that had yet to rot.

Though even Li Fei, could escape her own reality, whereas me, I was imprisoned here within the walls of her flesh and blood.

I was forced with no other choice but to deal with everything that Li Fei had left behind. I was the one who was going to face her demons. But the fact was, I was already broken even before the fight could begin.

So, how was one supposed to survive when their soul was already ripped and tattered beyond repair?

Shut it off.

You shut it off, all the emotions that weighed you down.

Buried it deep.

You buried all the memories that rendered your soul weak.

Then you sealed it.

Sealed your heart. Hardened it like an unbending steel.

Only then...only then...perhaps I would have a chance in surviving.

It all began when the doctor entered my room, along with the same nurse who had been attending me.

He asked, "How do you feel, Ms. Huang? It's time for your final check-up."

And with a smile he finished, "But not to worry, I believe you can be discharged by the end of this week."

His words were like a bell, ringing doom into my ears. From the start, no matter how long the waiting would be, I never thought for a second that I would ever be ready to face this.

Honestly, I think no one would either.