Hope

She drives her own car to school. Since that night that she introduced me as her boyfriend, we became really close. Marco told me to take good care of her and that he's now passing his responsiblity for her to me. I already told her that my name is Rahim, not Rajim, and she was laughing so hard upon knowing it. We talked about almost everything, even the little things in life. We shared secrets, we talked about our families and she pity me for I haven't seen my dad since birth. She told me she would like to be with me on the day that I will be meeting my father. Maybe she would love to see my reaction.

In the morning, she would fetch me in our house so that we can go to school together. Sometimes we skip classes to go to malls, to play on timezones and sometimes we'll just be out for long drives. She taught me how to drive. When it's almost dusk, she will drive me home. Sometimes when we happen to see the golden light of sunset on the way home, she will stop driving, we'll get out of the car and she would ask for a picture. We'll took numerous selfies and later on night, she will upload it in instagram with unfathomable captions.

"What if one day you'll stop seeing me?"

"Won't happen." Today is Saturday, not worst anymore. We spent the day in the beach, we were heading home when a question pop up out of nowhere.

"We won't know."

"What do you mean?", I squeeze her hand.

"Nothing. I just want you to know that if that time comes, I would still love to see you."

"Even I."

So all the way home was like saying real goodbyes. I hate it.

* * *

The next morning I woke up from a call. My dad called, he said he was afraid he can't come to the Philippines because there's an outbreak of virus in his place. He was in China, and they weren't allowed to go out of country. He said the virus will last long, maybe he really can't see me this year.

I hate it. I hate how the universe didn't conspired to make my dream come true. I've waited all my life for this, to finally see him, and now he's calling that he can't see me? I wish he will just disappear. I wish he will stop bothering me. I'm tired of all this sh*t! I'm tired hoping.

"Are you crying?" I called Ligaya. I was surprised he noticed me crying.

"I won't be able to see dad this year."

"Yes, I heard about the outbreak. My parents told me there's a possiblity that we will be experiencing it too. Don't be sad, I know soon, when the time is right and when the situation allows, your path will cross."

"I hope so."

"Take good care of yourself. Send my regards to your family."

"Sure, take care also, I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

School became my comfort zone, it is because I got to see her every single day. I'd always make sure to spend each day with her like it was our last. She told me she'd be going to a med school in seniorhigh, that means I have to spent my last year here without her. She'll be graduating junior high this year and it made me sad thinking how will the days goes by without her by my side.

It's already March, summer was just around the corner, but today, it's raining cat and dogs outside. Moments like this were good for reminiscing. So here I am, lying on bed, motionless. I was thinking of how she made me so happy last Christmas, even if I wasn't able to see my dad, she made sure that I was still the happiest. We went to church that night. I prayed to God that He will grant all her heart's desires, even if she almost had everything. She held my hand, kneeled and prayed too, it was not some silent prayers, I listened. "Father God, please allow Rajim to see his father. I know you are working your way and I believed in you. That's all I could ask for, Amen." I could still remember it perfectly. She was selfless, I love her. She's still calling me Rajim though, she told me to just let her.

"In a vast throng, when we're looking for each other, I will just shout "Rajim!" and you know I'm the only one calling you such, we will then find each other."

I wish it was just as easy as like that.

On Prom night, we decided for a long drive. She was so beautiful in her red long gown, I almost drop my jaw when I saw her. I rented a tuxedo for the event but we ended up on a white sand beach. The beach was warm and cozy on nights, just perfectly perfect. The place looked deserted, I'm afraid we'll be charge for trespassing. We talked about life. We did stargazing. I asked her for a dance and we were barefoot on the sand. That was the most romantic night of all my life. I kissed her and the rest was history.

* * *

We stop going to school because of this pandemic. I haven't heard from her. I tried contacting her but she was out of reach. I'll be lying if I say I didn't miss her. Since the day when there's already a confirmed case in our village, we lost communication. I'm just worried about her, her parents are both doctors, I know they were always in the hospital.

I heard from the news that the confirmed cases were increasing day by day. I wish nothing but her safety. I always leave her voice mails, hoping she would listen to it. I asked for Marco's number from my team mates, hoping I could find answers from him.

"Hello."

"Who's this?"

"It's Rahim. I just want to know if Ligaya was safe or not. I haven't heard from him for weeks now. I'm worried sick."

"Sorry Rahim, I am not allowed to tell you anything."

"Why? Marco tell me! Please, please. I promise I won't do anything to worsen her situation."

"No . . .I can't do this"

"Please I'm begging you." I cried my lungs out. "Marco please, if you only know how much I love her."

"Rember when I told you I'm passing my responsibility to you." The call ended. I don't know what to do. I feel so idle here. Why did he left me hanging like that? What responsibility does he mean? I called back, my number was already blocked.

I was locked in some dark world of sadness. I spend most of the quarantine days in my room. My windows and door were close for weeks. I don't want disturbances. I will just go out if I have to use the CR and if I'm hungry. My mom was so worried for me.

I was thinking of her again. I wonder why she loves dark so much. She always wore dark shade clothes except for the day when I first saw her. Her car was black, and he even show me a picture of her room, everything was black.There were days I call her Umbra, those were the days when she became my tail. She's always behind me, following me wherever I go. We were always together, on days of dark grey skies and on days of sunshine. She's my darkest type of shadow. She was my umbra.

"Honey, I answered a call for you, I thought it was your dad, but it's a girl's voice." I jumped out of my bed, I know it was her. I opened the door.

"What did she say?"

"She just said "I want to" and the call was disconnected, maybe someone just dialed the wrong number."

"No, that was her." I cried. My mom hates seeing me like this. She comforted me but it just worsen the situation. I hate to be comforted. I know that was her, what does she want? And why was the call disconnected. She became so mysterious. Maybe she wanted to see me but what if she just wanted to end our relationship. I wish I could just go back to the days when I could still hold her hands in public, in the school's hallways, in her car and in every place that we've been. Will I still be seeing her again? I wish she will just shout my name, so that I can find her. She's so talented for she disappeared without a trace. Like a prey being hunted by the predator, she remained out of sight. She loves dark so much that she bepainted my life with darkness too. "My Umbra, where are you?"