Panic Attack

When they made it to the mansion, Rin felt her stomach twisting inside her like an angry ballerina. Whether it was from being carried or the rising anxiety, was anyone's guess.

Kankuro set her on her feet and looked behind them. "Okay, I don't think we were followed."

Her hands went to her knees, trying to keep her breathing steady. "Why are we here? Shouldn't I go to my quarters?"

The captain shook his head. "I don't think that's wise. The villagers are frightened and they know where you've been staying. If they decide to get any bright ideas, I'd feel better knowing you were close."

A nauseous wave passed through her at the thought. "Okay..."

"Hey, are you good? You look really pale."

She nodded, even though it felt like the world was rushing up to meet her. "Yes, I just need to get to a room. Can you show me the way?"

"Sure." He put a hand on her shoulder- it was soaking wet.

Kankuro led her through the twisting halls, trying not to overstep his boundaries. He wanted to press further, but Rin said she was fine and his knowledge of the body was pitiful compared to hers.

If she said all was well, he had no place to doubt her.

When they made it down the final hallway, the one before the passage that led to Gaara, he took her inside and helped her to the bed.

Rin sat, waving him off. "Thank you."

"No problem. I'll go back to the Oasis and get your bag."

"Don't bother, if it will get you in trouble."

He laughed. "I'm not worried about it. The only one I'll have to face off with is Temari. So, if you see me blowing past your window, you'll know why."

She tried to laugh, but it came out as a sad excuse of a smile.

Kankuro hesitated in the door. "Are you sure, you're all right?"

"Mm hm."

"Okay then." He finally conceded and left.

The second she heard the door close, Rin raced over to lock it and found no latch. Her feet began to pace, the nervous feeling she was trying to fight, taking her in waves.

"Calm down, Ito. Just breathe. We've got this. It's okay. You're okay."

Angry, suspicious faces filled her memory, their chakras crashing into her with each flittering thought.

Her heart pounded in her head, twisting waves of nausea threatening to unload her stomach onto the stone floor.

She searched the room for a closet, something to hide away in, as she always did when an anxiety attack crept on her.

The Sand's approach to minimalism was really putting a damper on her panicking.

After a moment of fruitless exploring, she settled for the next best thing and sat on the floor, wedging her way under the bed.

"Great, as if I didn't feel pathetic enough."

She curled her knees up to her chest and started her breathing exercises, just like she told her clients.

One of the reasons she held such a high success rate with handling other people's issues, was because she herself, knew how terrible the past could be.

Rin's hands came to her head and she closed her eyes, her treacherous mind shooting back to the first time she felt like this and the lasting effects, which took her at the most inopportune times.

~

The lab was cold; it always seemed cold, no matter how often she moved around or who she cuddled up to. There was a lingering, mechanical chill that never left her.

Rin just finished her fourteenth trial of the day, her muscles feeling like they would tear, if she were put through another round.

Of all the days in the week, she hated endurance training the most.

One of the leaders placed her back on the black strip, pushing her to sit down. "Subject 18, begin chakra exercise level five, on my mark. 3...2...1."

Rin closed her eyes, focusing on the last small drops of chakra left in her. Pins and needles of sensation flooded her fingertips, the last burst of energy she could muster, falling at the wayside.

She was too tired.

"Subject 18, begin."

"I tried. I can't do anymore."

There was a scribbling in the notebook, the man with glasses turning away. "Most disappointing."

Rin felt her heart sink to the ground. She didn't know what he was writing, but it didn't feel good.

"Come on 18, you can do it."

Her eyes turned to the partner seated across from her. Even though he was dripping in sweat as well, he held out his hands, beseeching her to try again.

Rin sighed, shaking her head. "We've been at this for hours, 15. I don't have any chakra left in me."

Her partner shifted closer to her, taking her hands in his. "Nonsense, out of everyone in here, your chakra control is the best. Now focus, I'll help you."

"But..."

His kind eyes caught hers, his whisper so low, she almost missed it. "They're watching. Don't let them take anymore notes, okay? Just try. Look into my mind."

"Okay."

Her fingers laced with 15's and she closed her eyes, working through the desire not to open them again.

She tried to picture the well of chakra in the center of her body. The way she felt now, she wouldn't have been surprised if it was bone-dry.

Nothing inside her gave any indication that she could pull this off, until, suddenly, she felt a warm tingle in her fingers that didn't belong to her.

One eye peeked open, taking in her friend's face and he winked at her. "Keep it up."

She closed her eyes again and let him spread some chakra into her, though the act was forbidden during training.

If 15 was willing to put himself at risk like that, she couldn't let him down.

Rin focused her breathing. "Somnam Jutsu."

For what seemed like the hundredth time that day, she entered her partner's mind, working through his subconscious in waves.

The electrodes taped to his head started beeping on the screens surrounding them, showing an altered mental state, and scratching pens started up again.

Hopefully, in favor of her progress, instead of the disappointment they spoke of.

She didn't know what disappointment meant for them, but to her, it felt deadly.

Rin opened her eyes to a vast, green field. It smelt like fresh-cut grass, though she'd only experienced such things in simulations.

The imaginary sun warmed her form, small purple flowers appearing wherever she walked.

Her steps were light and quick, as she wandered through his mind. There was no set goal for this casting, just demonstrating the extent of her chakra control and how quickly she could induce, if called upon.

"Hey 18."

She came upon 15, who was standing with his hands laced behind his head.

Her fingers came down to pick a single flower and she batted his chin with it. "Glad to see your brain stopped rejecting me, for a change."

"Well, you walk around in it enough. Seems like I should just give you a spare key."

"That's fair."

They were silent for a moment, waiting for her chakra to fade out.

Hopefully, the leaders would be satisfied with her day's casting and she could rest. They seemed to be pushing her more and more lately, some goal about building up ninja with sensory abilities for a war.

Not her thing.

"Do you think they can hear us?" 15 whispered.

She took in his question and turned to face the sky of his imagination, arms raised above her head. "The Sound leaders can kiss my manufactured ass!"

Silence.

She looked to her friend. "Nope, I think they would've responded to that."

His laughter fluctuated the scenery around them, creating ripples that tingled her toes. She loved his laugh, especially when it made the scenery around them blossom.

After a long moment, his chuckling quieted and bumped her shoulder. "Well, if they can't hear us, want to try something new?"

"What kind of new?"

15 smiled his devilish grin and took her hands into his. "You ever hear the leaders addressing each other?"

"Yeah."

"Notice they don't use numbers. They have, 'names.'"

Rin thought about it for a second, the random collection of letters fitting each person, was an interesting concept. "So? What does that have to do with us?"

He bit his lower lip, looking like he about to do something wild. "Can I... name you?"

Her face brightened. "Really? You want to give me my own name? What would you call me?"

He thought about it for a second, circling her, with his hand to his chin. "Hm, what indeed?"

She tried not to move from her spot, suppressing the giggle at his assessment, as if he didn't already know every facet of her.

He bent down to one knee and grabbed her hand. "When I think about you, 18, I think about how you always want to cuddle up to me at night."

A blush came to her cheeks. "Only because it's cold!"

He laughed. "No, you always feel cold. I'm very hot, it's how we've been made. So, that's how I always want to remember you. If being cold is why I get to sleep beside you, then the cold brings us together. I'll name you Rin."

She smiled. "I like that name. I'm Rin."

He rose from his crouch. "Okay, you're turn. Name me. What do you think of when you think of me?"

Rin looked around at his mind, feeling the last bits of her chakra fading away.

Whenever she melded with him, he always took her to the same warm place, full of life. "I'm going to name you... Haru, for the spring time."

His hand came to her cheek, pulling her head closer to his.

Rin sighed. "You're always so warm."

With that, her world went dark, the last bits of her chakra evaporated.

Rin came out of his mind and back into the lab, where the familiar cold Haru spoke of, took her skin in goosebumps.

The sensations she had, however, especially with his hands still in hers, had nothing to with the cold.

The leader she knew as Kabuto, flicked his glasses at her. "Very impressive, Subject 18. Your chakra is stronger when you're experiencing emotions of love."

She glanced at Haru, feeling a heat come to her cheeks.

Kabuto scratched down something else in his notepad, assessing her. "If you respond that well to happiness, I wonder how you'll do with pain?"

Rin didn't have time to react, before he took out a sharpened kunai and stabbed it through Haru's chest.

The spray of the blood on her face, the way the light faded from his eyes, the feeling of his warmth, that reminded her of the spring, leaving her grasp with each second, stayed with Rin.

For years afterwards, she'd wake from her dreams in a panic.

The images of her closest friend being carted off to the incinerator, how the scent of his blood wouldn't leave her skin, all of it came back to torment her.

From that day on, she knew what death looked like; she stared it in the face and felt its grasp take Haru from her. All because they were nothing more than experiments in a mad-man's game.

She wasn't a person; she was a thing to be discarded when she wasn't useful anymore.

Now, the thought that she was in a foreign village, with people who would put her back into her mold of nothing more than a Sound abomination, made her skin crawl.

"You're okay. It's all okay. Gaara wouldn't let anything like that happen to you. Gaara has your back, just like you have his. Breathe, Rin, breathe."

She inhaled through her nose, held it for five seconds and blew out through her mouth. Each calming breath setting her right again.

After a few moments, the world calmed around her, the feeling of nausea drifting away, like an unpleasant memory.

Rin found the nerve to crawl out from under the bed and straighten herself back up.

Her eyes came to the single mirror in the otherwise empty room and she stared at the pale, clammy girl within.

"Whatever is going on here, you're not going to freak out. You are Rin Ito of the Sound and you will leave this village as proud as when you entered. We've got this."

But the hard knock at the door, proved her earlier statement false. "Ms. Ito?"

"Yes?"

"You'll have to come with us."