Google Search: How to evict a God?

Bisola knew that this was ridiculous.

She knew she should be shouting. This was way past asking questions. Yet - as she noted that her Granny's faded, old, chintz couch, the dining table and chairs were all missing and that at least half of the floor was no longer the dull, aged concrete she'd been used to but neatly laid, dark, gleaming, wood - she felt compelled to ask the first thing that came to her mind. "Excuse me... is this a reality show?"

"Hmmm," the woman smiled, "He said you were a bit like this. Never mind. It's nothing we can't handle. Can we step into your room? It's a bit -" she twirled her finger vaguely indicating the absolute chaos behind her.

After that one inquiry, Bisola had already run out of questions and entered into a state of calm shock she hadn't even known she was capable of. She let the strange woman lead her into her own bedroom. Once inside she sat on her bed meekly and faced her, waiting for further developments.

"Would you like a glass of water?" the woman asked her.

Bisola thought she would probably have to get up and fetch it herself if she said yes and shook her head. "I'm fine, thanks."

The woman shut the door, finally muffling the noise of the unauthorized renovation going on outside.

"I'm sure you have a lot of questions," the woman smiled warmly. She wore a bright red, matte lipstick that complimented her scarf and her nails. "I'd like to be the first to congratulate you. There are no words that can express the honor that has been conferred on you."

"Have I... won something?" Bisola's eyes widened again as excitement spiked in her, "So, I've finally won something in my life!"

"Haha," the woman smiled even wider, "in a manner of speaking, yes. You've won the exclusive audience of a great and powerful god."

Bisola's excitement died swiftly.

"You mean Sango?" she asked flatly.

So... this home invasion was directly related to the giant, amala shunning bully in her Granny's bedroom. Bisola's mood darkened further.

The woman's smile started to look strained. "Let's move on to things you're cleared to know," she said. "I'm Bamgbose. My family... well, you can say we represent Kabiyesi's interests here. My specific duties include providing for his comfort and convenience - which means going forward you and I will often interface."

Bamgbose started to pace back and forth in front of her while still somehow maintaining an air of total efficiency.

"Usually," she continued with a slight frown, "Kabiyesi should not have had to tolerate direct contact with the uninitiated, but-" Bamgbose paused at that point to gaze at her with undisguised curiousity, "your situation was not only unforeseen... it's also completely unprecedented. We had no protocol in place to handle it, so all of this - is us playing catch up." she twirled her fingers in that airy way again indicating the hammering and pounding going on behind the closed door.

Bisola stared at her not understanding even one thing she had just said.

"We'll be done bringing this place up to a close to decent standard by tomorrow. We've already put your neighbours in hotels of their choosing for the next two nights and I would like to recommend the same for you - just pick your favourite hotel - it will give you a chance to finish your homework before you interact with Kabyesi again."

"Homework...?" Bisola murmured dully.

"Just a reference guide I've compiled of the bare essentials you need to know to become an adequate hostess to Kabiyesi for the period of time that he is with us. Ways to address, honour and praise him, colours that please him, favourite meals and the proper ways to prepare and present them - those sorts of things. I've already emailed it to you but I prepared a hard copy too" Bamgbose beamed and pointed at a thick binder Bisola hadn't noticed before sitting on her bedside table. "Any questions so far?"

Bisola felt like if she started to ask questions she wouldn't be able to stop until she died.

"I'm surprised." Bamgbose frowned slightly at her silence. "He said you were...noisy?"

It took effort but Bisola ignored that. The guy was rude so of course his followers would be rude too, she grumbled inside herself before deciding on what concerned her the most.

"Excuse me," she addressed the white and red lady, "are you saying that - not only is Sango going to continue staying here in my house - but you're also refurbishing my house - without my permission - to accommodate him - and now, you want to put me in a hotel so that you can continue? Is that what you're saying?"

"That is what has been implied, yes." Bamgbose beamed again.

"What if I called the police?" Bisola asked.

"We would uncall them." Bamgbose said pleasantly without the slightest hesitation.

"What does that even mean?" Bisola stared at her.

"You're free to find out yourself if that moves us along more quickly," Bamgbose sighed and glanced at her phone screen where she appeared to be ticking off a list of things to deal with, "I really wish we could just initiate you. It would make things so much easier."

Bisola leaned away from Bamgbose even though the other woman wasnt standing particularly close to her.

Bamgbose noticed and laughed. "You have the exact same look on your face that Kabiyesi had when our Magba suggested it to him. He definitely doesn't want you in the family!"

Bisola found herself conflicted between feeling relieved and insulted. And who or what was a Magba now? "Listen... Miss? Mrs? Bamgbose?"

"Call me Bamz. Everyone does."

"Yes - uh - Bamz..." Bisola fought to keep from being distracted by everything she didn't understand and gathered up her courage to say what needed to be said. "The thing is, I really don't think this is a good idea. You may not have noticed it already but - your god doesn't like me? And I myself don't feel - positively about him?"

Bamgbose tilted her head. "And?" she asked mildly.

Bisola shifted agitatedly where she sat, "What I'm saying is - there is no way in hell - or on earth - that we are going to be able to live together, so - I'm thinking - Take. Him. With. You." Bisola put her hands together in supplication, "Please."

Bamgbose winced, "Noted - but, sorry, he's staying. So, have you decided on a hotel?"

"Ahn - ah!" Bisola exclaimed finally reaching her limit for things that made no sense to her, "Isn't this my house? You can't force me to keep him! I'm the landlady! I'm evicting him!"

Bamgbose finally stopped smiling.

She stepped into Bisola's space and looked down at her.

Bisola felt a familiar aura emanate from her and - as embarrassing as it was because when standing she had at least half a foot on her - she found herself shrinking away from the woman, even her gaze falling.

Bamgbose's voice was flat when she spoke and her words were in Yoruba.

"Evict who? Bisola Folorunso, are you misunderstanding something? Nothing would give me more pleasure than to take Kabiyesi off your hands, bring him to a sacred place worthy of his glory and submit myself to his EVERY desire."