One step forward, two steps back

The relationship between Alan and Ashley started to improve after that night. They started to talk more to each other about their business and casual every day things. They also started to be more intimate at night time. Some days they would hold hands and sleep, slowly they would embrace each other while sleeping, and after another 5 months, Alan almost made it to home base before Ashley had stopped him.

"I'm sorry. I thought I could do this but I still can't."

Alan was getting frustrated, "What's wrong? What are you scared of? We already are a married couple. I don't understand why you are still hesitating. It has been 10 months since we have been married."

"I know it has been a long time for you but I still cant get myself to do it."

"Are you asking me to settle with all this foreplay only? I have cooled myself off with cold showers for so long that my body is starting to feel numb. I might even get sick soon with all this hot and cold."

Ashley understood his frustration but she wanted her first time to be special. She still had the expectation that her first time would be something magical and with someone that she was hopelessly in love with. She didn't want sex to be a commodity she traded to become CEO. She also knew though that if she wasnt able to give it up to him, one day he would go and find it from someone else. At that time, would she care more about her virginity or pride? She knew she had to figure something out...

"Can we come up with something else? Every time we come close, I feel like sex is the price I paid to get your funding."

Alan was a bit shocked to hear what she had just said. He never thought about it like that but after all, this would be her first time and it wasn't like they were doing this because they were in love. They were doing it just because of a need and at that moment, she made him feel like a jerk; like a person who wants to turn her into a whore.

"I never forced you to do this. I also never forced you to do something you didn't want to. If you really do not want to have sex, then I will respect your decision. After all, it wasn't part of the agreement between us."

"Then what are we going to do?"

"I will figure something out."

"If you would like to divorce, can you let me know in advance so I can prepare myself? I will definitely still pay you back all that you put into my company."

Alan angrily said, "I never said we were going to divorce. I also never said that I didn't trust you to pay anything back. Do you want to split up from me?"

"No, that isn't what I want but if I am not able to satisfy you, I don't want you to go have an affair behind my back. I think that would be even more embarrassing for me."

"So you know what embarrassment is? If people found out that my wife and I are celibate for almost a year, what would I do?"

"I'm sorry..."

"You don't want me to have an affair not because of jealousy but because you are afraid that your pride will be affected. This whole conversation has been all about your wants and needs. Have you ever stopped to consider what mine are?"

"I am sorry. I know I'm not the best person in the world and I never said i was not selfish. I just..."

"Forget it. Lets just stop before we both say or do things that we will regret."

With that he walked off to the closet to get changed and left the house. Ashley continued sitting on the bed. She understood his frustration. When they were making their agreement, she was supposed to be someone to ward off the unnecessary blind dates he was being set on that was causing him to waste his time. She was supposed to alleviate meaningless things for him and help him with his other needs. Although she wanted to give him everything cause he has been treating her well, she had some barrier blocking her from moving that next step.

Alan drove around aimlessly as he was still trying to cool down. He wasn't really quite sure what was frustrating him so much. Just because a girl wouldn't give it to him? That couldn't be it, when he was busy establishing himself before, he had no time for anything other than work. The fact that she was okay with getting a divorce or him sleeping with someone else? That cant be it either. Although they were married, they weren't like other couples who married out of love. The temptation of having something and not being able to possess it? That might be it, the fact that they lie in bed together every night but are not able to get closer was unpleasant. But, he didn't propose marriage so that he would have a girl on call, he proposed it in order to not waste time on girls he knew wasn't right for him.

Ashley lied down on her side of the bed. Two hours had already passed but she hasn't heard Alan come back yet. It was already 1 in the morning and they both had to work in the morning. She closed her eyes and slowly let her tiredness take her to dreamland.

It was a little past 2:30 when Alan made his way back home. He changed back into his pajamas and lightly kissed Ashley's forehead before holding her to sleep. He would just busy himself with work again in order to keep his mind off things. When she is ready, she will let him know. After all, after his little night ride, he realized that he would like her to be his lifetime partner. He did not want to spend time looking for someone else when these 10 months they spent together made him realized that they were compatible with one another and he might not find someone else that would be. If he came to the conclusion that he was willing to spend a lifetime with her than he was willing to wait for her. Although he has been frustrated that she wasn't opening up to him, he would just busy himself with work to keep from thinking about it or else he might push her further away and that definitely wasn't what he wanted.