Confused

Demons in my head. They are not demons but are they me. Am I like them or are they me. My thoughts turn into slush as my mind starts throbbing when I think something wrong. If it is a bad thought it is wrong, if it is a negative thought I think it's supposed to be wrong but I believe it's right. If I mess up I fight two thought lines one hating the mistake and trying desperately to think what I did to make things go wrong, the other screaming at me and degrading me telling me of my past that I never changed and never will. Somehow they both talk at the same time. It hurts because my inner voice can get louder to try and drown each other out. Sometimes I have two trains of thoughts that clash hard that's when I feel like I need to escape my own head, I've found pain helps distract it's a bad thing to do though have pain to avoid your mind to feel sane. One line yells why I should die and how I can do so, why it's a good idea, tells myself it's better. The other line does not usually scream I only scream to try to drown out the other one, this one tells me why it's a bad idea to kill myself and who would be affected if I succeed. These inner monologues happen at the same time and it feels like my brain cracks and slowly breaks it becomes impossible to focus on breathing so I sometimes start to choke. It's very distracting and stops me from being able to do anything when this happens. If this happens more than once a day or takes more than 1 and a half hours to stop my brain feels empty afterwards it feels bad but good to have no emotions no thoughts, but that also prevents me from doing simple everyday things like getting up from wherever I collapsed to continue life. It's hard to recover from emptiness but so far I have only recovered to help someone else, I hope one day I can be able to recover from my own will to continue.