Ch16: The Greatest Heights

AN: Ok, as always, Reviewer Replies! :D

Prometo: If Jerry were to be the one to find Gildarts, tell him about Cana and get him back to Fairy Tail via teleport to see her then Gildarts would approve of him as much or more than anybody else. That doesn't mean he wouldn't still be very over protective of his baby girl to try and make up for all the time he missed, although he would understand that she's a grown woman and would likely take a bit of a hands off approach. A bit like, "You're ok for now, but if you ever make my baby girl cry, there won't be a body left to find." Basically Jerry's got the go ahead to date Cana, but if she gets attached then he'd better be ready to reciprocate or Gildarts will freakin' OBLITERATE him.

As of August 2nd Jerry is 19 years old.

Yes Jerry and Dimaria may seem like a bit of an odd match, but they actually are an exceptionally good one. They have very similar senses of humor and Dimaria's upbeat enough to pull Jerry out of his occasional emotional slumps. She's also a badass and most of the time a combat pragmatist which are both major points in her favor with Jerry, and she's a thrill seeker who likes to just curl up and rest in between adventures...just like Jerry. She might be a little bit of a tsundere at first, but way more dere than tsun so Jerry's able to see right through it. Their relationship in the Viking story is about how their relationship would play out. She'd be a little reluctant and guarded at first, but she'd pretty quickly open up and the instant she did they'd be inseparable...not to mention going at it like rabbits. You can consider that a good candidate for the final pair, but there are several of those, and they'll each be getting a 'What if?' scenario like this at some point to keep things balanced.

Jerry has exactly ZERO aptitude for traditional Slayer magic of any sort, demon, dragon or god. While he could be turned into a slayer through magical means, it would be an alteration to his natural state. As for Acnologia, he's currently in no state of mind to be offering magic lessons to anybody, let alone doing the complex magic gifting enchantment that would turn Jerry into an Acnologia-Slayer, so while it's a very fun idea, I'm afraid Acnologia teaching Jerry how to be a Dragon Slayer is a complete no go. Also, I'd about bet that Acnologia doesn't even know how to make another slayer. It's not impossible for Jerry to become some sort of Slayer, but the odds are unbelievably slim.

There will be no Erza+Natsu romance. That is a strictly sibling relationship. This one I can guarantee.

Raidentensho: Zoldeo? Honestly I didn't even think about him for this omake. Aquarius was only there because Virgo was, and Scorpio was only there because Aquarius was. Jerry will be wary, especially if he finds a cask of gold coins with skulls on them (which really ought to be enough to warn anybody off it) but no more so than normal. He has actually not seen "The Road to El Dorado" although I have, so be on the lookout for a cameo!

Reptil: The next special like the Viking AU is the Valentine's Day Special. It'll be a little more down to earth because it's going to be showing what would've happened to Jerry if he HADN'T been yanked to a different dimension, and because it's Valentine's Day, yeah, go ahead and expect some serious romance. :)

The watcher earth C-137: Mmmhmmhrphmmm(snuffle)(snort)(various noncommittal noises) Glad you enjoyed! :D

And now, on with the show!

Chapter 16 - The Greatest Heights

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…

As the old man's name registered with me, my head snapped back around to stare before shooting a glance at Levy who looked just as floored as I did. Good, so I wasn't the only one who'd made that connection. I immediately teleported to the Archives and snatched up the thesis on Slayer Magic before teleporting back to hold it up in confusion, "Precht? As in the same Precht who wrote the paper that's saved my ass half a dozen times now?"

Precht, or I suppose Master Precht blinked as he looked at it and recognition lit his face, "Is that my thesis on Slayer Magic?"

My jaw dropped and I immediately bowed, "THANK YOU SO MUCH!"

Master Makarov looked at me in confusion, "What?"

I looked at him and pointed at the paper, "The magic I learned from this is the only reason, and I do mean the only reason I can use like half the magic I have. Most of the stuff I pull? I wouldn't be able to without what I learned from this."

I don't know when Master Precht moved, but suddenly I felt a hand land on my head. I started and turned my head to look, crap was he really that much taller than me? That one eye of his felt like it was peering into my very soul…

Then Master Precht hmmmed, "How very curious. Your capacity and natural aptitude for magic are very impressive, but your natural ethernano absorption rate is so meager that it is almost nonexistent." He removed his hand and crossed his arms to look at me thoughtfully as he declared, "By my estimate, your current power level is less than one percent of your potential strength."

I…kinda felt like the world had suddenly stopped. Less than one percent? I THOUGHT I WAS AT NEARLY FULL CAPACITY! My eyes went wide as all the air went out of me in a single breath, "What?"

I wasn't the only one shocked. Master Makarov spluttered, "ONE PERCENT?! He took out an entire dark guild in one shot!"

Master Precht looked at Master Makarov as though that were completely obvious, "Well yes I did say 'impressive' didn't I? You do remember how difficult my praise is to earn right?"

I think I heard more than a few people's brains break as they wondered what his standards were like…mine was one of them.

Then Master Precht looked at me again, "Have you tried to legitimately consume an element? If you have mastered the basic principles outlined in my thesis, then I suspect you have learned enough to figure out an elemental affinity."

"Light," I said quietly, "No I haven't tried to eat it the way Natsu does, but I can alter my natural ethernano intake so that I absorb light and automatically convert it to power."

Master Precht took a moment to contemplate that and then nodded, "Very good, that automatic conversion is the first step towards a Slayer's elemental consumption ability. Now the next step, try to take in as much of your element as you can. To get a proper handle on just how much you can take, I recommend that you keep going even after you feel like you've had enough. Don't worry, I will stop you once you are approaching a dangerous overload."

I nodded, still kind of in a daze of shock and surprise. I tilted back my head and opened my mouth as I'd seen Natsu do, and then…I ATE. It was more like a giant inhalation than a bite. Between the exclamations of surprise and the sudden total darkness, I knew I was doing something right, probably something akin to Blackout Mode. Then I kept going. It became a strain to keep going after a moment, like trying to suck in a massive breath. For perspective, try exhaling as hard as you can with your mouth wide open. See how long you can keep it up. It was kind of like that. The strain kinda cancelled out the Blackout Mode-esque rush.

Then as I paused to regroup, and the darkness disappeared as light flooded back in, I realized I was thinking about it wrong. I was supposed to eat it. So, I did. I closed my eyes, mentally grabbed all the light in the guild, and imagined cramming it into my mouth. I felt something like a mouthful and then I swallowed it. The instant I did, I felt power. It was beyond what I felt with Blackout Mode and I could only stare into space in wonder at the incredible energy and strength I was feeling. Then Master Precht tapped me on the shoulder, "Keep going boy. You're only at five percent."

I gaped at him and then nodded a little numbly. I raised my hands to better envision grasping the light around me. This time, I didn't just reach for all the light in the building. I went for the whole town. It was like slurping down very long noodles… tasty noodles of pure energy for sure, but still, noodles. I'm not sure how much of it I got before Master Precht tapped me on the shoulder to signal that I needed to stop, but later reports claim it wasn't anywhere near the whole town, just everything within about half a mile of the Guild Hall.

I stopped when Master Precht tapped me on the shoulder and the light flooded back in. I'm…honestly not sure what was said or happening. You've heard of sensory overload? That's what I was experiencing. I don't know how drugs feel, but I had gotten a steroid shot once that had me wired and more pumped than I could ever remember being to kick a cold once. I'd gone from a bit droopy to having enough energy to feel like I could fight two or three people at once and do so evenly for several rounds. Now that I thought about it, that was kind of what Blackout Mode felt like. That…that was NOTHING compared to this.

If how I felt usually was one percent, then Blackout Mode must've been two or three. This? There was no doubt. THIS was one hundred percent. Fifty times better and more alive than the best I'd ever felt. I stood there, stock still for a moment, reveling in the wonder of how very much just…raw life I could feel reverberating through my very soul. Then, I made the only sound such happiness could. I started laughing. "THIS! FEELS! AMAZING! PAHAHAHA! I'VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE! IS THIS HOW NATSU FEELS ALL THE TIME?! NO WONDER HE'S CRAZY! PYAHAHAHAHA! WHOO!"

I teleported straight up as high as I could. I don't know why. I teleported back a second later, a tad puffy with some ice formed on the bandages around my head, "Space is cold. Don't go to space. View's great but it's really, really cold. I am so freaking pumped right now and I feel like I'm talking really fast, but I can't slow down because I'm also thinking really fast and is this normal? Am I babbling? How is everyone not acting crazy all the time if you all feel like oh wait a minute never mind I forgot where I am for a second, this is the madhouse known as Fairy Tail and now I totally get why it's so crazy. This must be how you guys feel all the time, so no wonder you're all batshit crazy. Don't worry I love you all anyway because this place is fun and I really like it here and I am probably making a total fool of myself right now but I don't even care because I feel FREAKING AMAZING!"

I was nodding really fast and grinning and even if I couldn't remember the looks I was getting, I'd still be completely certain I looked positively unhinged. Then my gaze landed on Cana, "RIGHT! GOTTA GO FIND GILDARTS! BACK SOON!" *POOF!*

…

…

I wandered back into the guild…I'm not sure how much later it was. I thought it had been a few days. I felt like I had done enough for a few days…but everything was a bit of a blur and I couldn't remember whether or not I'd actually slept during that time so…

I raised a hand in greeting as I strolled through the door with the same smile that hadn't left my face since I'd hit one hundred percent, "Hi everybody! I'm back!"

I was immediately rushed by a massive figure with red hair and a black cloak who I belatedly realized was Gildarts. Gildarts had me by the shoulders and was frantically looking me over, demanding to know if I was alright.

I teleported out of his grip and back about a foot, raising an eyebrow, "Yeah. It was just a dragon. Natsu and Gray put up a better fight than that lousy sack of scales did."

Gildarts stared at me incredulously, "Seriously?" Then he blinked, frowned and then he smiled, "You really had me going there for a second! You must've teleported away the instant after you sent me back here right? There's no way you stuck around to fight that thing."

I frowned at him and replied very flatly, "No, actually I bitch-slapped it with its own breath attack, ripped out its right eye, a kidney and probably about half its liver, maybe some intestines, and then I proceeded to beat its ass like a piñata until it wised up and ran away. I then spent several hours trying to figure out how to cook dragon before the meat went bad, and then I looked around and realized I had already eaten it. Then I felt kinda stupid and came on home."

Gildarts stared at me and then started laughing. I briefly considered being annoyed, then I settled for quirking a smile at him, "What's funny is that you don't believe me." I looked around him at the rest of the guild, most of whom were staring at me, "Hey guys, have Erza and Natsu and Lucy left yet? I didn't want to miss that."

"No, we were waiting for you to get back," Erza replied from behind me. A part of me made a note to not linger in the damn door anymore. This had to have been the third or fourth time somebody who I really REALLY should have been able to sense coming had snuck up on me because I was standing in the door. Then I turned around to greet her and…

My heart. STOPPED.

I stared for what must have been almost a full ten seconds and then my brain numbly started working again, albeit very slowly as I looked her up and down, trying to figure out what was different. Hair, eyes, face, armor, body…everything was the same, but at the same time…it was SO not.

I'd heard the myths about people burning away to nothing if they looked upon the true forms of angels and gods. Now I felt I might be getting an understanding of how that must feel. Don't get me wrong, I had known Erza was one of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen. Now though? I felt like my eyes were burning from how…hot doesn't do it justice, it was like looking at the sun except it didn't hurt…radiant? How utterly radiant she was.

She was saying something, she looked concerned…was I staring? Ah crap I was staring… I immediately averted my eyes and I could tell from the way my face was burning that I was blushing up a storm. Mystogan might've been on to something there… "I'm fine, um, sorry, you just look, eh, really nice today." I'm sure I was sweating as I glanced at her, Don't make it awkward-don't make it awkward-don't make it awkward…

Then Erza blinked, blushed slightly and smiled a little and why was I on the floor looking at the ceili-GOD DAMMIT! NOT AGAIN!

I groaned and raised my good hand to my face, "And I had just gotten past fainting over Mira's…"

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…

It turned out I had actually only been gone for a little over an hour. Master Precht was still there, and that was absolutely wonderful because after helping me hit my full power, he'd gotten into a big teaching mood, and unsurprisingly, he was an EXTREMELY good teacher. After he realized there wasn't enough space in the Guild Hall for the amount of magic instruction he intended to do, he led everyone outside to the shore of the immense lake that bordered Magnolia and…

"EARTH MAKE! ARENA!" Master Precht thundered as an amount of magic comparable to a hurricane roared around him. As the entire guild gawked in awe, all fell silent for a split second… then the lake erupted. In a spray of water that made rain fall from the clear sky across the entire city, what looked an awful lot like a jumbo sized version of the Roman Coliseum appeared on massive earthen stilts exploded into existence. Even Master Makarov could only gape at the sheer power the Second Master had displayed.

Master Precht for his part only took a deep breath and let it back out slowly as a large bridge rose from beneath the surface of the lake to give us a route across. "I will dispel the arena when I leave, but it should make a fine training ground, and it will hopefully prevent any unnecessary damage to the Guild Hall." He turned to us with a broad smile, "Shall we?"

His words ignited a stampede across the bridge to check out the insane feat of magic our Second Master had whipped out with seemingly as much effort as putting on his socks. I took it a little slower, I had no desire to be trampled. This afforded me a view of a truly rare sight: Ur absolutely fangirling over Master Precht's skill with Make Magic and Ultear's expression torn between embarrassment at her mother's antics and pride at her surrogate-father's strength. The little girl Ultear had introduced as her daughter Meredy looked very confused, but was completely blasé about the whole 'pulling a village sized arena out of thin air' thing. As I noticed Ultear and Meredy's reactions, I felt my jaw go a bit slack as I realized they were desensitized to such grand scale magic. I couldn't help but wonder, Just how ridiculously powerful IS Master Precht?

Then a hand tapped me on the shoulder and I looked, my eyes nearly popping straight out of my head as I saw another Master Precht right next to me. I glanced back at the one talking to Ur, back at the one next to me, back, back, back and forth a few more times, "You can clone yourself?!"

Master Precht grinned, "Just a little thought projection. I use a stronger version of your Archive magic called rather aptly 'Super Archive' which lets me keep track of dozens of conversations at once. This is the best way to tutor multiple students simultaneously. Come now, let's hurry. I'm only here for today."

I blinked and then it clicked that he was offering me one-on-one magic tutoring. A broad smile spread across my face and I stepped aside, "After you Master!"

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…

The arena was just as grand inside as one would expect. It was clearly not made for entertainment because in the place of bleachers were tiered platforms which were being rapidly filled by dozens of clones of Master Precht and every wizard from Fairy Tail present. Master Precht led me to one of the top tier arenas after quizzing me on the walk across the bridge about my preferred magic, background and tactics.

He stood across from me and calmly explained that he had a very simple method to make me stronger. "Given your background, I'm sure you understand the value of sparring for experimentation and training. So, as you already have a fair grasp of combat, we shall focus on your application of magic. Come at me with everything you have and when we are finished, I will tell you of my observations."

I heard an explosion to my left and glanced over to see that many of the other platforms in the top tier were already home to tremendous battles. The explosion was Natsu (imagine that). I looked back to Master Precht and nodded, "Right." I activated Blackout Mode across my whole body except for my eyes, "Due to what I now know to be my reduced intake rate, I tend to activate this before I do anything too big."

Master Precht nodded, "A wise precaution, although keep in mind you now have literally a hundred times your usual reserves."

I grinned beneath my shroud of darkness, "Yep, I'm looking forward to testing them! Thank you so much for pointing that out by the way, I've never felt so alive."

Master Precht nodded, "My pleasure, now come, we're burning daylight."

As soon as he finished saying that, my fist snapped forward with a tremendous amount of pure telekinetic force. I could tell from the way the wall behind Master Precht shook that it had been outrageously powerful, but it barely scooted Master Precht back an foot. I took a split second to gawk, a burst of pressure strong enough to rattle a ten foot thick stone wall over two dozen meters away and he didn't even look ruffled?!

Master Precht nodded as he stroked his beard, "A good effort. Against masses of weaker opponents it will be a fine way to get yourself some breathing room. From what I was able to surmise of the Eisenwald Incident, I suppose that was how you defeated their whole guild singlehandedly?"

My eyes somehow went wider, "A-actually I used a light based explosion. It had the added effects of a standard explosion, which when detonated from a blind spot allowed Gray to bind them all in ice right after they landed. It was a full body version of this spell," I raised a finger gun and ignited a Bomb Shot, finding myself stunned again as my usual baseball sized spell manifested at the size of a small car. I set one hand on my firing arm and growled slightly as I forced it back down to the size it was supposed to be. At that size it would be enough to destroy a city block in a single hit! As I finally got it back down to size, "Alright, here it comes!"

It traversed the distance to Master Precht the instant I released it and the ensuing explosion nearly blew me off the platform. If I hadn't crashed into something, I would've gone over the edge. As the spots faded from my eyes and my ears quit ringing, I realized Master Precht had caught me with magic chains, was completely unfazed by the utterly insane Natsu-plus grade explosion (that might've even been a double Natsu…) and was looking at me with a pleased expression as he declared, "A very impressive display of Bullet Magic! I suppose you've never tried for a higher caliber shot, but you're in luck. Bullet Magic was actually the first magic I learned myself, so I'm rather knowledgeable about it."

If my grin had grown any wider I think my head might have split in half and I made every effort to catch every single thing he said as he explained the functions and mechanics of bullet magic as well as its synergy with light magic, such as how the energy was "very compactable, the fastest available and goes BANG very nicely." Yes, he said it exactly like that.

At this point though, I had to ask, "Um Master? How exactly were you able to shrug those attacks off? I've been noticing a lot people are stronger or more durable than they physically should be, but you weren't even fluffed by that explosion, and you seem like you know a lot about how things work, so could you please explain it to me?"

Master Precht looked surprised at the question and stroked his beard as he thoughtfully cast his gaze skyward, "Hmm…You're from Edolas correct?"

I shook my head, "Actually by mine and Mystogan's reckoning I'm from the dimension on the other side of Edolas where magic doesn't exist at all."

Master Precht nodded, "I see. Has anyone warned you about the effects of Magic Deficiency Syndrome? Or I suppose, should I ask has anyone informed you of the benefits of ethernano?"

I shook my head, "Master Makarov warned me about the dangers of Magic Deficiency Syndrome when he was telling me not to overdo it, but that's all I've heard."

Master Precht nodded, "I see. Very well, I shall explain. Put simply, ethernano strengthens the existence of whatever it is infused into. For example, if you poured magic into a sword, the sword would become far more durable and able to cut much better. If you pour magic into fire, then it will burn hotter and can even take on other secondary effects depending upon what kind of magic is infused into it. So when a person allows ethernano to suffuse their body, they become stronger, faster, more durable and more resistant to sickness."

"It is because of this that it is crippling for ethernano levels to drop," he continued, "Since the body is used to raised levels of ethernano, it doesn't build as much resistance to naturally occurring degradation. For example, dental decay and vision loss, these two problems very rarely affect wizards and even then often not substantially. However, if a wizard of advanced age were to suddenly go into Magic Deficiency Syndrome, then their sight would degrade quickly and their teeth would begin to lose their strength. It wouldn't be particularly fast, but when combined with the feeling of weakness and overall weakening of the body's infrastructure, a person with Magic Deficiency Syndrome will often die quickly due to the drastically increased toll on the body simply to stay alive, which many simply cannot cope with."

"However," he added, "The reverse is also true. Those with greater magic levels can weather the effects of time much longer and much better. I for example am currently one hundred and eighteen years old, but I am just as physically able as I was when I sixty due to how much ethernano my body is able to contain, and as you pointed out, I am far more physically formidable than most. Most of all though, this is just a Thought Projection which has a merely semi-tangible form at most, so you can go all out without having to worry about hurting me." He gave me a second to let that sink in and feel like a dummy before continuing with a grin, "Now then, we should continue with the lesson. What all types of magic can you use?"

I took a moment to compile the list in my head and then started going through every use of magic I could remember in as much detail as I could think of, well, except for what I did with Mira. I kinda glossed over that, but once it came up, he only took a few minutes to determine the true nature of my primary caster magic once I started describing what it could do for him, and to my surprise, it was not Light. At least it wasn't generic Light.

"Your magic is known as Desire," Master Precht declared with a look of surprised respect in his eyes, "It is an obscure branch of light magic, and an exceedingly dangerous one at that. I know of only one other user of this magic, and he lives across the ocean to the west. As you can imagine, as with many magics, its rarity is directly correlated to its inherent formidability. Desire deals with the needs of the target, specifically food, rest, safety and to reproduce. There may be more, but to be honest, that other user quite grated upon my nerves so I didn't question him much more than I had to in order to satisfy my curiosity."

I nodded, "Quite understandable. So, my magic can induce sleepiness, hunger and panic as well as erm…pleasure?"

Master Precht nodded, "Yes. I imagine it would also work the other way, allowing you to remove those things so as to allow you or your allies to shrug off hunger, weariness and panic. As you are no stranger to combat, I'm sure you can understand just how much of a boon that is."

A lightbulb went on in my head, "That also explains why Mira and I didn't get hungry or tired when we were…eh…hehe…" Master Precht blinked and then laughed lightly at my blush as he figured out what I meant, "Oho! Well that may be as good an indication as any of how long you are able to keep your magic running. If I understand you correctly, you did that while you were at only one percent of your power correct? How long were you able to go?"

"Five days, pretty constant, erm, activity, with eight intervals of rock solid sleep that lasted an average of two hours. Some a lot more, some a lot less. I didn't use my magic constantly, just for that last little extra push to help drive her wild…on occasion I'd give a steady little trickle if I wasn't quite feeling confident on a particular…ah…ya know. We ate twice a day on average, not much because we, erm, got distracted. If the power increase is directly correlated to my stamina then…" I did the math in my head, "…yowza. Two thousand two hundred and forty hours straight."

Master Precht nodded, "Yes that sounds about right for the amount of power I measured at your full capacity. However, I must warn you not to over do it with this magic. It can induce a lethal overload with any of the four needs. You are familiar I'm sure with what happens when the human body gets too excited or panicked."

A small wave of horror broke over me, "You mean I could've given Mira an actual heart attack?"

Master Precht nodded gravely, "Not a small one either if you really cut loose with this magic. It sounds like you were pacing yourself well, only using little flashes of your magic or mere trickles of it if you used it for prolonged periods, but yes. If you blasted someone with any of the four needs at even a halfway decent percentage of your full power, you could render them completely incapacitated or dead. That other user I met in the west claimed to be able to lay waste to entire battlefields in minutes without breaking a sweat simply by cutting loose a fraction of his power with one of the needs, and his reputation more than adequately backed up that claim."

"The way I understood it," he continued, "Hunger causes people to go mad with starvation, forcing them to see even their closest allies as food. Safety can induce sheer all-consuming panic, which can turn even the most disciplined armies into a catastrophic rout due to sheer terror. He regarded Pleasure and Rest both as near instant kill techniques, Pleasure more so than Rest as Rest will simply induce a coma from which a person can be revived through magical means, albeit not easily and often not before dying from dehydration. Pleasure on the other hand leads to, as you guessed, a heart attack at best, but the way he described it, it tore the very souls from the victims' bodies and allowed them to move on straight to the afterlife. That may have been just the colorful language he was annoyingly prone to, but there was no mistaking the lethality of that magic."

He stroked his beard for a moment in thought before continuing, "He did mention that when unleashed indiscriminately, as he was wont to do, that Pleasure would only affect those who had sought out such pleasure before. For those of exceptionally pure heart and mind, it was useless unless he specifically targeted them with his magic. To the best of my understanding he did so by manifesting tentacles of light to bind and force his magic upon them from a safe distance. Is something wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing," I grumbled as I tried to recover my composure from what had to have been an epic face fault, "Just ah, flashbacks to some very eh… bizarre and somewhat unsavory literature I stumbled across a while back. This other user grated on your nerves right?" Master Precht nodded and I grinned ruefully, "Good, then I trust you won't mind if I kill him dead as a doornail if I ever run into him?"

Master Precht seemed to size me up, "He is regarded as one of the five strongest wizards on that continent. The three considered to be superior to him are renowned as three of the mightiest wizards in the world, period. I was actually there to meet with one of them, the one known as the Wizard King who supposedly knows every type of magic that has ever existed. Unfortunately, before he could return from his errand and meet with me, I figured out that everyone in that land was completely and utterly insane, even by Fairy Tail standards, and so I had to flee in fear for what remains of my own sanity. Given that that nuisance's power rivaled if not surpassed my own, I'm not sure you could take him."

I gave him a thin, vicious grin, "Why Master Precht, you of all people should know better than anyone: Never underestimate the righteous fury of a Fairy Tail wizard. If that raping, tentacle happy piece of shit even thinks about laying so much as a single slimy appendage on one of my friends, I will tear him into little tiny shreds, set the shreds on fire and then stomp a mud wallow in the ashes."

Master Precht pondered that for a moment and then grinned, "If you ever do, then be sure to get a picture of the look on his face when he realizes how very doomed he is. I'm sure it'll warm my heart and be good for a laugh for years to come. But we digress, I have a theory that perhaps the hunger aspect of your magic is what allows you to devour magic as a Slayer does since you do not appear to have an inherent aptitude for Slayer magic."

I thought about it for a moment and then nodded, "Yeah, that makes sense. Also, an addendum to that, I don't think I'm limited to just light."

"What makes you think that?"

I ripped up a clod of dirt with my telekinesis and bit into it on instinct. To my surprise, it suddenly glowed and then disappeared down my gullet. It tasted like dirt, but it also gave me an instant kick the same way Blackout Mode did.

Master Precht actually stared in shock for a moment, and then we spent the rest of the day proceeding to test out my ability to devour what we discovered to be pretty much anything, including the seemingly unlimited forms of magic that Master Precht actually knew, as well as find out what all I could do with it once I had.

…

…

That night the party erupted just as expected, and we all got completely and utterly wasted. Even me, and I normally don't drink. However, this event encouraged me to start doing it more as I somehow woke up with not one, not two, but three gorgeous women draped over me. Granted we were all still dressed, but still! Even more amazingly? None of them minded! Mira just gave me an amused smirk when she woke up straddling me. Cana also didn't mind, she just stretched, leaned over from where she had been passed out on my shoulder to give me a kiss on the cheek… and went to find more booze. Yeah…she might have a problem.

The one that really surprised me though was Erza, who was conked out on my other shoulder. She just blushed, apologized and then blushed some more when I told her I didn't mind at all. Then she went to get some pancakes.

Then Mira got up to begin fixing said pancakes after giving me a good morning kiss of her usual mind melting variety and I sat up to observe the state of disarray the Guild Hall was in.

I wondered how Juvia was going to take the fact that she had somehow wound up in the middle of Team Shadowgear plus Gray and his family. Gray and his family were of course, all in their underwear, which immediately drew my attention because good god was Ultear beautiful…and clearly a good mommy too if the way she and her pink haired daughter were clinging to each other was any indication. Yeah, I mused, she's officially in the same category as Erza and Mira now. I wiped my nose just in case it did somehow start bleeding and turned my attention elsewhere.

Master Makarov, Master Precht and Gildarts were all at the bar, all passed slam out, although given Master Makarov's usual capacity to bounce back to sober and serious in an instant no matter how drunk he was, I had a feeling that could change at the drop of a hat.

I felt my face twitch into a grin as I noticed Natsu and Lucy curled around each other in a corner with Happy in the middle. OHO! So THAT's why they took off for a tropical island without me is it? Shitty dumbass Natsu, you should've just said so! So THAT'S the kind of 'S'-class reward you were hoping for was it? I was barely able to hold in my malevolent cackle as I realized what Natsu had really been after. I turned my attention away with a smirk still playing about my lips, Well, I'll not stop you Natsu. Even if she is an amazing catch who's probably entirely too good for a moron like you. After all, my gaze landed on Mira, Erza and Cana grouped up in the center of the bar as Mira started cooking, I've got quite a set of wonderful little fishies myself!

A smile warmed my face and I continued looking around. Then it slid off and cracked into an expression of complete and utter confusion, Okay, that gives "Max with the broom" a WHOLE new and highly unwelcome connotation. I immediately averted my gaze from the somehow impaled Sand Mage, vaguely wondering just who exactly did that to the poor guy.

Then a pun hit me about…a lot of years and a paragraph late. Fishies, fish in the sea, fishing, IS THAT WHAT MOST GUYS MEAN WHEN THEY SAY THEY LOVE FISHING?! Given the connotations I'd heard attached to…pretty much EVERYTHING else…a moment of consideration later I decided that it probably wasn't and my brain was still just groggy and weird from getting wasted, but just in case…

I teleported over to the bar immediately and jerked a thumb at Cana, "I'll have what she's having."

Mira, Erza and Cana looked at me in surprise. Mira raised an eyebrow, "I thought you weren't a big drinker?"

Thank god for convenient excuses, I changed the angle of my thumb, "Check out Max." They did. They turned back around pale, and while Cana started chugging, Mira poured four more of what Cana was drinking. What was Cana drinking you ask? I found out when the taste hit me: Fire Water. I could feel my eyes start burning when it hit.

I drained the mug in one go anyway.

Afterwards I shook my head and blinked vigorously, "What's the proof on that?" "168," Mira replied offhandedly. "Not enough," Cana replied. Erza just sat there quietly.

For about sixty seconds there was complete and utter silence. Then almost in slow motion I saw the looks of horror dawn on Mira and Cana's faces as they whipped around to look at Erza, who by that point was already long gone.

The world returned to normal speed and volume when Erza suddenly roared, "HOW DARE YOU ASSAULT MY EYES WITH THE SIGHT OF A BROOM SHOVED UP YOUR ASS FIRST THING IN THE MORNING?!" BOOM! I didn't see or hear her armored boot connect to Max so much as I felt the shockwave coming off the impact. When I glanced over my shoulder there was a broom spinning midair next to where Max had been, and where a particularly irate Erza's foot was still extended from having punted him clear out the door.

Erza reached out to catch the broom smartly, and then even more smartly retracted her hand with a look of disgust before she touched it and let it clatter to the ground. "How did we completely forget why Erza's not allowed to drink?" Cana mumbled.

Mira winced and nodded, "Jerry, since you're going on this quest with her, you've got to make sure that whatever happens, you do not let her drink. It doesn't matter if it's just a sip of watered down wine or if she puts down a whole barrel of Everclear, she gets just as wasted, just as quick, and it always results in an unstoppable rampage until she's dealt with whatever set her off. She completely loses all self-restraint and destroys anything that gets in her way even more brutally than she normally would. It's like Natsu except so much worse. Then she sobers up just as quick and can hardly remember what happened. Case in point…" She nodded towards Erza.

Erza had one hand on her hip and the other on her forehead with a confused and slightly consternated expression, "Why do I get the feeling I just kicked the crap out of somebody?"

I nodded, "Duly noted. No drinky-drinky for Erza."

…

…

Later that morning after Master Precht, Ultear and Meredy left and things had kind of gone back to as normal as they ever were at Fairy Tail, I winced as Porlyusica pulled off the last of my bandages. The air on the bare skin of my scalp did not feel pleasant. She sighed, "Well, you'll undoubtedly have some scarring around this eye, how you managed to catch a boulder with your face in a way that made such an even mark is beyond me, but on the upside, it looks like your hair is starting to grow back." She gently rubbed my head and I could feel a short but thankfully thick and even stubble of hair.

I grimaced, "Well that's something at least. Thank you again for all your help." I flexed my fingers with a smile, "It's good to have my hand back. Don't suppose you know a trick for making hair grow back faster do you? My head's cold."

Porlyusica scoffed, "Just go get a hat. Try not to break anything again for at least a week."

I smiled, "As inconvenient as losing use of my arm was? I have no intentions of breaking anything ever again if I can avoid it."

"Hah! You're in Fairy Tail kid," Porlyusica laughed, "If you don't get yourself injured regularly then there's something wrong with you. I've never seen such a reckless bunch!"

I smiled as I got to my feet, "Weeell I've always been a bit of a weird one. If that's what makes me the oddball this time, I'll take it. See you around Ms. Porlyusica, have a nice day." And out I went.

I tossed out a card and hopped aboard, quickly sitting and crossing my legs for balance and then zooming away back towards town.

Next Time! on Mad Little Slice of Heaven...

Erza nodded, "Thank you, I do like to think I know all my guildmates rather well." She took a sip of tea with a small smile before calmly sliding the compartment door closed and locking it, "That of course brings up the fact that you're new and I don't know you very well at all. So while I would hate for Natsu to miss his punishment…" She swapped her tea over to her right hand and immediately clocked Natsu into what I suspect was blissful unconsciousness with a lightning quick rabbit punch from her left before turning a rather disconcerting gaze on me, "I'd much rather have some privacy while I question you about your intentions regarding Mirajane. Her last steady boyfriend didn't work out well, and I didn't like seeing my best friend like that at all. So," Her friendly smile promised all manner of horrible pain and torment if I lied, "Let's talk."