chapter 16 sleep

Mav

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I was asleep when I heard Alarm ringing somewhere, and felt movement near me. A few seconds later Britt's hand was in my pocket, pulling out her cell phone. She turns it off with a heavy sigh, I didn't move. I was not ready to leave her and go back to my apartment yet. So I laid it there with my eyes closed. I felt her keeping the pillow back again in between us. And then laid down again.

After 5 minutes when I was almost about to fall asleep again, Britt moved.

I dared and open my eyes to see what she was doing. And saw her back to me, she was facing the other side. And then she turned again and I closed my eyes again. She moved the pickled the pillow and threw it on the floor.

And I fought against my all will, and stopped myself from dragging her close to me and smiling.

She sighed again and then murmured something. And I felt her fingers touching my face, on my nose, very lightly. She use to do this, I remember it clearly. She used to trace my face with her fingertips. And feeling her touch after years made my heart tremble. Out of impulse, I couldn't control myself and I opened my eyes to see those beautiful eyes, which now are pink and half dilated, looking right into mine. She gasped and pulled her hand away.

"Don't stop" I said to her, held her hand, and brought it back to my lips.

"You shouldn't be here," she said and cupped my cheek with her palm.

"I know," I said and kept my hand over her's, looking right into her eyes, as I saw those olive-colored eyes tearing up, and drops of tears started, flowing down from her eyes to her nose and then on her pillow.

She cried, as her whole body shook with her sobs, she cried until her eyes became swollen again, holding my face with one hand, she cried and I let her while trying to hold my own tears. She cried in front of me, for minutes, without saying a word, just by hold my face and I didn't interrupt her.

Soon her eyelids became heavy, eyes redder and tears stopped, what left was pin-drop silence and her rough sobs which came after every 10 seconds. She didn't look in my eyes anymore, she just shut them.

I moved my hand from hers, held her, and pulled her closer to me, to which she resisted.

"I can't -" she said with her hoarse voice.

"Shhhhhhh, We can blame it on your wine," I said and moved closer to her.

She nodded, and moved closer to me, her forehead rested under my chin, and arm circled me from my waist, and I held her tight too.

"I know you hate, cuddling, but... Just for 5 minutes" she said with her sobs.

"Sleep," I said and stroked her hair lightly.

"Let's blame the Alcohol," she said and tighten her grip.

Her sobs became heavy breaths, as I felt her body loosen in my arms, and after a few minutes, her light snores started to fill in the silence. I held her and thought about the past. How she always use to sleep in my arms clinging to me, smothering me, and how she used to make that puppy face thing whenever I use to try and push her away. Holding her like this after years felt happy, it felt like coming home after crossing a Strome. I kissed her head and closed my eyes. Her smell filling my sense, u fell asleep.

I woke up feeling hot and sweaty, her breath falling on my chest, but it was ruined again by that horrible sound of Britt's phone. Britt still in my arms, with half mouth opened, and a dried trail of tears near her eyes, her hairs all over around her and on her face. I moved a little to pick her phone.

Yup, it was an alarm at 2 pm which said "laundry" I smiled as I saw it. only Britt can put an alarm like this, I turned it off and fell asleep.

*

*

Britt...

Continuous vibration sound woke me up which was coming from Mav's phone, I moved away from him. And looked at his face, sleeping peacefully.

It was dark outside, so I got up, with a terrible headache killing me. Turn on the bedside lights, and looked for his phone. Which was on the floor. It said, Taylor. As I was struggling in between to answer it or to wake him up. But the phone stopped vibrating. I saw the screen it showed 23 missed calls and many messages.

"Mav?" I said and kneeled down ok the floor to look at him, lamp's light falling on his face. Made it serene. It felt calming. After years he was there on my bed, so close to me yet so far. That's when the memory of me crying came in my mind. And I fell down on the floor.

"Ohhh shit," I said, "No no no....what was I thinking?" and I held my head in my hands. Headache and guilt killing me all at once.

"Sex!" Said Mav, lying on his stomach, facing me, with his half-opened eyes, looking directly at me.

"WHAT?!" I shouted and sat up, checking my self. To which he laughed.

"You know I won't take advantage of you when you are drunk, I am a gentleman," he said in his sleepy voice. I didn't say anything.

"I think I told you to leave before I woke up," I said to him.

"You held me so tight, that I didn't want to go," he said with a smile, as he sat up and rested his head on the headboard. And me hugging him and feeling his skin on my forehead came in my mind.

"It.... Felt like coming back home after decades of struggles" he said and looked at me.

I threw his phone at him, your phone was vibrating. And got up from the floor. Walked to the wardrobe when I knew his eyes were on me. I did try to show off him. But my messed up hair, drool all over my face, and most probably horribly smashed makeup failed my all attempts of show off.

I walked to the wardrobe, picked out a bathrobe with was hanging on the side. And walked to the bathroom, while taking off my T-shirt which I was wearing. In the best possible way to look sexy. So that he can regret what he has missed. As I was about to step in the bathroom.

"Can we talk?" His voice came as I was about to close the door.

"No," I said and closed the door of the bathroom.

"Britt," he said and pushed the door back

"No Mav, you need to leave now," I said.

"Just listen to me, do you know how much it hurts me to see you like this, to see your eyes tearing up whenever eyes are met, do you know how much I need your touch to calm my nerves, do you know how much it hurts my hearts to see you drunk, to see my lady walking down on empty streets in the middle of nights, do you know after how long I slept for our with any medicine? Do YOU EVER REALISE HOW BADLY I WANT TO MAKE EVERY BACK TO NORMAL" he said and came close to me, way too close for my brain to work? And I said the only words which came in my mouth.

"Do you know how much it breaks you when you see your lover drowning themself in bottles of alcohol, and then one day you find them in bed with his colleague?" I said and pushed him out of the bathroom. And he stood there in silence.

"Now you know!... At least half of it" I shouted at him and closed the door on his face. I went and stood directly under the shower. Replaying everything that happened over the years.

And the memory of Mav and that day when it all ended. It started to hit me. I shouted under the shower, I shouted until my voice stopped quivering. I shouted to take out those memories from my mind, I shouted for Mav to leave. But I didn't help.

I started to think what if said something wrong to him, no there is nothing wrong I said to him, there were days I use to handle his drunk ass, now he should also know how much it hurts, he should also know how it feels to see the one you love, drifting away.

I stood under the shower until cold water turned hot and then cold again. And stood in front mirror, that's when I hear a tap on the door.

Mav is still there? I was for a long time inside the shower. So now he knows what is patience. Good at least he has adapted some good things habits in the last 3 years.

He Knocked again, but I didn't say a word.

"I don't know if you can hear me or not but all I want to say is, forgive me if you can Britt, just give me one last chance," he said. I didn't say anything, I just heard him. Looking at my image in the mirror. Looking at the scars, looking at me, looking at these eyes which haven't stopped dreaming about him, tears fell down again, I wiped them away, I stood there holding myself. So that I could face him.

"No Mav, you just can't come back after years and ask for forgiveness" I practiced if many times. Tightened my bathrobe, took some deep breaths, And when I came out of the bathroom finally to face him.

I was welcomed by a dark room, pin-drop silence, and orange light from small bedside light. No trace of Mav. Only darkness.

"He won't let me fight for myself," I said to myself.