Choice

In training they taught us how to move on with no emotion. It was one of the hardest things that I learned. How to cope with a situation when that situation hurts the most. When someone was in pain, even someone close to you, how to deal with suffering. It still hurt. So every night, not unlike this night, once I got back to my room, I sat in silence. Rachel knew how much I liked it. This was another reason why we liked to meet on the roof. It was calm, it was peaceful. How much I would give to be at peace.

Peace is a funny word. And everyone wants peace, but how to achieve it? I didn't have the answers, I knew that. 27 years of life and I knew that I did not know. People just don't have that luxury, I had told myself. We have those few moments in life that we're given that actually feel good, when you are with those that you love, but those moments move and pass on. The moments that last are those that cause the pain. When someone near you gets hurt, when you lose a valuable possesion, or when death happens. They last and they fester. They bubble and grow like a wart, oozing and burning you. It grows like a virus, implenting itself into every thought that you have, reminincing over what could've been. Of course, the thoughts themselves are not a problem, it's part of living through the experience. The virus is not alive, it's our perception of its impact that really makes it real. It's our putting importance on it.

So, on long nights, or in times like these where my job required I do something I hated, I went to my room and sat alone in my thoughts. My roommate didn't much mind, and I was thankful. I would sit on my bed, sometimes upright, and sometimes laying back. Sometimes, I would even go into the bathroom and sit in the shower. It was weird, but it was good. I could sit there and have that conversation with myself that I needed. Boy, did I need one on this night. This time, I lied down on my bed and stared at the cieling.

Day three was tomorrow, not a big deal. Should've been easier than day two to be completely honest. The challenge was the rock climbing. I expected another 10 or so students to fail. I could imagine it. They would be holding onto the wall, looking forward towards the destination. One hand would slip and their hearts would begin beating, their eyes widening, and their fear rising. The other hand would slip and there would be another pit below them, ready to swallow them up, take another person in its hands.

"Why am I doing this?" I whispered into the cold dark room I lied in.

No answer was expected, and none came. My roommate slept soundly, he always did. I didn't bother to ask him his name as I feared he would tell the doctor. He was a goodie-two-shoes when it came to kissing her behind. His "name," however, was LL-3, and if I wasn't mistaken, he was the leader of the L group as well. I had remembered him talking about it with some other guards, making a joke about he got his own letter as his group and no one else did. What a funny guy.

Rachel didn't cease from coming back and back into my mind. Her deep brown eyes, begging for it to stop. We had been through so much already, I hated watching her sad. Two weeks I had just promised her. Two weeks. If the first two days had gone like this, what would the rest be like? Rachel, when she had first found out about the possibility of death, she nearly cried for these students. She was a good person. She was good. How she came into my life was beyond me.

When we met, I was but 23 years old, still young and naive like most of the students here. She smelled like lavender, and her dress that night was beautiful beyond belief. Her long dark hair was draped down the left side of her body and her smile was warm and bright and full. We were at graduation from training in the military. I remember having asked her if she was from Tennessee. What a pitiful joke, but she laughed. Half of Tennessee was flooding at the time and I didn't know how she would take it, but she was really cool about it. Looking back, that was a pretty stupid move, but what are you going to say when you meet someone that takes your breath away?

We walked outside together, talking under the full moon. The weather was perfect besides a slight wind chill that tore through us. We had to talk a little louder than usual to make conversation. The stars were vibrant and clear and their reflection in her eyes were nothing to scoff at. That moment was the peace I had always dreamt of. That's how I always had wanted to meet a girl, having good conversations where nothing bad happens and you both move on. Fate is stupid though. It doesn't care what you think and the sooner you are to accept that, the better you'll play out.

I remember sitting down, quite far away from the building where the graduation party was at and laying down in the dust with her. We just talked about what we knew. War, the clouds, the stars, and most importantly, what we wanted. She wanted to explore, she wanted to go places and do so many things. I listened to her talk about everything from mount Everest to underwater English cities. She wanted to explore it with all that she knew. She wanted to explore it with me. I expressed interest to her and she only grew in joy. I noticed her eyes shine a little brighter. That light grew brighter and soon I was questioning it's realness.

I looked where the light was coming from and I saw a flash. Rachel stopped talking and looked in the direction I was. There was a light off in the distance, maybe a large star, that had reflected her eyes and it was getting closer, fast. Not a star. I took a squint, and before I could make any more assumptions, the sirens of the military base went off.

I stood up and picked Rachel up and began running towards the light. We had to make distance. Rachel was conflicted.

"My friends," she muttered as her heart sank and the joy in her eyes faded to black. She grabbed me by the arm and bgan to tug me back to the base, where everyone had started running out of.

"There's no time," I said holding her, "We have to go!" I remember yelling harder.

She turned to look me in the eyes, tears falling down her cheeks, saying nothing. She knew I was right.

"Now!" I yelled and pulled her further from the base.

We ran as fast as we could, and the low-flying missile passed over us. Not 5 seconds later I heard the noise of impact.

The ground shook and the night turned into day. I could see everything in front of me. If it wasn't for the death that came with it, The light was marvelous. How unique and beautiful the far away forest glowed against the orange light hitting it. How wonderous and impressive the speed of it, an instant to change everything in one's life. I pushed my self forward, only to have the shockwave of the impact push me more. It threw us, and I blacked out on impact.

I looked at the cieling. How simple could I make it for Rachel? I felt my eyes swelling. I would try, but I was scared. I knew that fear was a bad trait that we were taught was bad or something or whatever, but the fear of displeasing Rachel was never going away. Her eyes, when I woke up the next day, made sure of it. I still do not understand her emotions. She soothed me, but she was crying. She had a smile, still joyful, but her arched back and her poor posture showed her pain. She had put herself together, cleaned up, in an attempt to look presentable, although I don't know for whom, but her legs still shook with anxiety.

I looked over to LL-3. "Hey man," I said. "Are you awake?"

After a few moments, without turning to me, he responded, "Yeah, what do you want?"

I looked over at his back, he seemed a little frustrated, but he didn't sound mad.

"If you had to choose between working as a construction worker and living alone in the woods, what would you choose?"

He took a heavy sigh.

"What does this have to do with anything?" He said raising his hand a little, clearly confused.

"Well," I started, "Construction workers don't get paid much and it seems harder and more complicated than just living alone, farming and living for yourself, no?"

He chuckled a little softly and turned around to face me.

"Are you telling me you want to sleep in the woods?" He laughed. "Good luck using the bathroom my dude, I'd be a construction worker. Now goodnight, I need to get some sleep."

I quickly nodded and looked back the cieling.

He was right of course. Living alone in the woods was kind of dumb, but I didn't want him to know my intentions. To be a soldier, I thought. Working on justice everyday, building a house that is not yours. Building a country that was not yours to control. You do this all for someone else's power. But we didn't have the choice to leave the house, did we? Someone always has to lead its development, but they do not do the work for it. They oversee it, but they will never know every wall, every issue that was solved by the everyday workers, yet, with one word, they can throw a wall down. These are those that control Fate. I didn't know how to solve this problem except to choose to not be a part of it.

Rachel and I often discussed this. Having been taught by some of the same people on what was good an what wasn't in how a leader acts, we discussed the role of a leader. She was smart and I loved that. We never reached an answer, only went in circles.

"Goodnight," I quietly whsipered hoping Rachel would hear it.

▲ ▲ ▲

4 years later and we were still picking up the pieces. I didn't like it, not one bit. I woke up a little later the next morning as my roomate had already left to prepare for his group. He never bothered to wake me up. I quickly got up, brushed my teeth, groomed what little hair I had, and looked at myself in the mirror.

I saw a scrawny, short man. unsure of what he was doing. His eyes were easy to read, they spoke of frustration and fear. The man across from me didn't know what was going on. He had grown up in a peaceful family and a peaceful life with dreams of becoming an inventor. Here he was, an inventor of chaos. Here he was, standing alone in a bathroom that wasn't his, looking through a mirror that wasn't his, bringing young people to their death to save his country. He did what he had to do, right? He was trying to be a good person, but for some reason, he never was given the chance to be. His eyes drooped down, and the dark patches under his eyes were like that of an old tired man. The man across from me had been enervated by the society that he called home. The people he had to kill and their eyes would never leave his. When someone dies, one thing that you don't forget is their eyes the moment before and after. The sudden realization, the calming and soothing closing of the eyelids, that brings the unknowable to the forefront as all reality fades and crumbles into nothingness. Their eyes would never leave this man's memory, they would never stop dragging him forward and kneeling him in front of justice and pointing and laughing at him. It wouldn't stop, and he knew that, the determination in his eyes knew that. He wouldn't stop either because he had finally found something to hide and shield him from his past. She was everything that he needed and more.

I walked down the halls at a brisk pace, knocking on the B group doors, waking up the students and getting them formed up into a line for me. I was not focused on everyone and I could definitely seem a little out of it. However, when I reached the room of B-24, I took a pause. I needed to see what was so special about this guy. I knocked on the door.

"Lets go!" I yelled as I usually did.

The door remained closed. I looked at the door with curiosty. They were not the first group of people to fake sleep on me.

"If you three do not leave your room in the next 2 minutes," I calmly said, "You will have failed today's challenge."

I brought myself close to the door, and said, "and believe you me, you do not want that."

I watched the door intensely. I heard some whispering inside the room. They knew they had to come outside, they had no other choice. After about a minute of waiting, it creaked open. It was B-24.

"Z," he whispered to me.

I looked at his eyes. He wasn't scared but preoccupied.

"Why did you stop Becca from being hurt yeterday?" he asked.

"Come outside now, all three of you," I quickly responded.

Slowly they all came out, less from fear but more from curiousity. They had been talking alright, but it wasn't about my threat. They were trying to assess me, but for what I wondered. I doubt that they would care to tell the doctor as no student clearly wanted to help the doctor in her killing spree. After a moment or two, B-24 looked at me with an understanding look. Other students were watching me, I coudn't say anything.

"We have to get to our challenges," I said, "Now."

We began the challenges for the day and everything seemed to go smoothly. No one talked much, they just did their part and moved on, it was really nice. B-24 definitely had a connection with the girl, he talked with her very often and they had the look on their faces of long lost friends. She meant a lot to him, clearly as he would watched her closely every time she talked, taking in every moment.

When we reached the main challenge for the day, the anxiety of everyone finally started growing. There were more tapping feet and more sparratic eyes from the students.

"Today's challenge," I began, "is the same rock climbing wall that you have each done before..."

Everyone began to calm down at the sight of something memorable.

"...but unlike the past two days," I said, "today's challenge has consequences."

I flipped a lever and the floor that the students had been able to fall onto and continue climbing began pulling away, revealing another black gaping pit in the floor. I looked at the students.

"Good luck. Now, where's B-02?"

They each took their turn climbing up and down and across the 75 foot long rock wall. The objective was simply to make it to the otherside without falling down. For most of the students it wasn't too much of a challenge, but those that lagged or waited too long were the ones that struggled the most. A total of 11 students fell down, I winced for every single one without fail but I don't think that anyone was looking at me in those moments. I wrote down the scores and the times as instructed on the papers handed to me by another guard. I wrote down every minute detail of as many of the students as possible.

When B-24 went, I made sure to study his body movement for the doctor. He was strong enough to get across and he didn't struggle too much until he reached the end, where his left foot slipped from the hold he had and he almost fell. Luckily, he was able to swing his body, with his hands, to regain his footing and he made it across. Nothing special besides that.

That B-26 girl however, she struggled not one bit. She looked at me before her time started and smiled. She was happily dedicated and moved with a quick brisk pace and beat B-24's time without a struggle.

The day seemed almost too easy and I wasn't satisfied for some reason. Nothing abnormal happened. We finished our competitions, went to dinner, were given the standings and we were told to go back into our dorms. I loved how the doctor made the standings, they were truly irrelevent besides in seeing how people responded to them, and did they. The G group had a small group of really athletic students that had dominated the scoreboard, well, except for first place where some student from the F group held the lead. You could hear them laughing and yelling in joy when the screen was updated. They were over the chaos and the scoreboard gave them satisfaction of having done soemthing right, something good. The doctor smiled in her raggedy smile. She was being given what she wanted. She wanted the perfect soldier, she wanted the perfect leader. The conditioning was working, the death was all around them and they were joyous. For us, she stopped conditioning, but for them, she would make sure that it reached its end and that it was fulfilled completely. Someone capable of anything and everything and all that was in between while having no remorse and no fear.

To that I congragulated the doctor, it was working.

I walked the students back to their respective rooms after it was all done. There was no incident tonight. I peered over at B-24 as we walked towards the dorms. He wasn't happy. Something had gone wrong.

I took everyone back to their rooms before I took him and his roomates. I quickly shoved everyone into their rooms hastily and eventually it was only us four walking to his room.

"Now?" B-24 asked me.

He was smart, he knew that this was intentional.

"Now," I responded.

"Well," B-24 asked, "Why did you stop her from being killed?"

He looked at me as we walked and his friends studied me even more intensely. The bigger one watched me with a smile. He was a big guy and by the look on his eye, he had no fear.

"I don't like death, I'm not evil," I responded.

His smaller friend quickly jumped in, "Is that why you work at this place? Where you get to be a part of killing people?"

B-24 grabbed his friend and shook his head.

"Listen," I said quickly, "Any job in the military kills people, that's its purpose. I'm just doing my job. You wouldn't understand."

They were young, maybe to young to understand the stupidity of how the world works. We finally reached their door. B-24 looked at me, still unsure of himself.

"I definitely understand that you are willing to stand by and watch people die," the boy said.

I shook my head, "War is the same, if we don't have a perfect leader, more people will die in wars to come. The doctor wants to save the future at the small expense of the present."

"So," B-24 chimed in, "you agree with her?"

"Well, I'm sure that you do not have a good solution for war," I said, "her's is one with consequences early rather than later."

"In war you have two sides fighting," the big guy said. "This," he said, "this is slaughter."

I sighed. "Sometimes we become part of a system that kills us, I am no different. Trust me, I do not enjoy doing what I do, unlike some other guards here, but there is no other choice."

"We'll see about that," B-24 said.

I studied his face. He was definitely young, but he didn't seem as naive as his age would signify. I think he understood me and my predicament. Not completely, but maybe just a little. There was hope for him.

"Okay Z," he said looking at me intensely, "I have on last question."

I looked at him, I didn't owe him an answer and I did not have to respond to it. However, he knew that I wanted to see where he was going, I was much to curious.

"Go ahead."

He smiled and looked to his friends. "What is your name?" he asked me.

What a perfectly wonderful, terrible question. He had been asked into the doctor's room before, he knew what that question implied. A name was more important than anything here. In front of the doctor or any other guard I went by ZZ-9. That was my name. But he knew that. He looked into my eyes and his friends stopped on their way into their room to look at me. I studied their eyes, they were waiting for something. What did they want from me? B-24 was planning something, he was going to do something, I was certain of it. I looked him directly in the eyes.

"The name's David," I said reaching out my hand for a handshake. Maybe he had a plan.

He looked at his friends and back at me and smiled. They had been relieved by my answer, and as for B-24, his eyes were fiery with passion and he was ready for anything. By God, he was going to make it.

He reached out and shook my hand.

"Kane," he said walking into his room and closing the door.