Chapter Fourteen

Sarah Simmons, dressed in an outfit that could only be described as Parisian, stepped off the train, her still clear blue eyes searching for her best friend. She had a traveling bag in one hand and the remnants of her train ticket in another.

"Sarah!" Mrs. Simmons exclaimed, rushing to her daughter. "You're home!" She hugged her daughter warmly and fiercely.

Sarah laughed and returned the hug. Paris was nice, but it was wonderful to be back home. "Mother! How are you?" she asked, pulling back.

Mrs. Simmons laughed and kissed her daughter on both cheeks. "I cannot express my happiness enough, Sarah. Your father and I are so happy to know that you are engaged to Gerard Valois. It is what we have wished for."

Sarah blushed, looking down at her feet. She wished her mother would stop talking about her engagement to Gerard for she had told no one besides her parents and close relatives, not even Victoria. How Victoria will frightfully scold me, she thought, somewhat depressed by the idea.

Mrs. Simmons placed a motherly arm around her daughter's shoulders. "Now, Sarah, you know how much preparation this is going to take. Gerard will be living in the States?"

"Yes, mother," Sarah answered absently, frowning. She was still looking for Victoria.

"Who are you looking for, child?" Mrs. Simmons asked rather indignantly, for Sarah had not been listening to one word she had been saying.

"Have you seen Victoria, mother?" Sarah asked anxiously. "She was supposed to meet me here."

Mrs. Simmons sighed, exasperated. "Could you honestly expect Victoria Brown to be here? She is a student at Radcliffe now, Sarah, and it seems Vernon Andersen spends all of his free time courting her -- "

"They are just very good friends, mother," Sarah snapped. "Do not try to see anything more into it."

Mrs. Simmons was surprised by her daughter's interruption. "Sarah! Really, I know that you are fond of Victoria, but you are now an engaged lady, and -- "

"Sarah!" Victoria exclaimed, running over to Sarah. Sarah turned around and opened her arms, ready to receive Victoria's enthusiastic and warm hug.

"Oh, Sarah, you're really home," Victoria whispered.

Sarah nodded, returning the hug. "How are you?" she asked, pulling back.

"She has been having the time of her life," Serena answered for Victoria. "No one has been attending more balls or jamborees than she has this season. With Vernon, of course," she added slyly.

Victoria poked Serena in the ribs. "Serena, that really is not true."

Sarah smiled. "Still wearing the most fashionable outfits, aren't you, Serena?"

"And why not?" Serena said, smiling brilliantly. "I've got the figure and class to pull it off."

Victoria linked arms with Sarah. "You must tell me everything you have done, and who you've met -- "

"Oh, there's nothing to say, Victoria, except that Sarah is engaged to Gerard Valois," Mrs. Simmons interrupted proudly.

Victoria and Serena were standing absolutely still. They exchanged one significant glance before Victoria's eyes returned to meet Sarah's. Sarah's expression was anxious and pleading.

"When did you become engaged?" Victoria asked inside the car.

Sarah glanced at Victoria's visage. In spite of their long friendship, she could never tell when Victoria was angry except when she wore a facade. Victoria was doing that right now.

"Oh, near the end of the trip," Sarah replied hastily. "About a fortnight ago."

Victoria nodded slowly. "I see," she said quietly.

Sarah had been wringing her hands in her lap, anxious yet thankful her mother was not riding in the same car as her. Her mother might have made the situation worse than it already was, as if it were not worse enough. "Victoria, you're not angry with me, are you?" Sarah asked quietly.

Victoria smiled slightly, her lips curving up in a superficial manner. "Why would I be angry with you, Sarah?"

"Because I did not tell you?" Sarah asked half-fearfully.

"No, Sarah, I am not angry with you," Victoria answered, placing a hand over Sarah's. "I could never be angry with you, Sarah. You are the dearest friend I have. But --" she bit her lip, "I am very sad."

"Oh, I know I did not tell you, Victoria, but Gerard asked me a week ago. The only reason father and mother know is because he sent them a telegram the minute I accepted." Sarah relaxed a bit and eased into her seat. "I was reeling from joy and shock. Victoria -- "

Victoria nodded. "I know how it feels when someone asks you to marry him, especially if you love him."

"Oh, Victoria, I know it is really sudden, but I do love Gerard, and I do believe he loves me," Sarah argued pleadingly. "Oh please smile, Victoria. Don't wear that face. I cannot stand it."

Victoria would not meet Sarah's eyes. Instead she gazed out the car window. "When is the wedding?"

"Next year in November," Sarah replied, her face fading somewhat. "His family and my family will all be there."

"I see," Victoria said quietly.

"You will be my bridesmaid?" Sarah asked fearfully.

"Of course," Victoria answered, some warmth returning into her voice. "I promised that when I first came to Boston."

Sarah opened her hands to squeeze Victoria's. For Sarah, it was important to gain Victoria's approval and blessing, because they were best friends. Victoria searched Sarah's pale face and broke into a genuine smile. She hugged Sarah once more, closing her eyes. "Oh, Sarah, everything seems to be changing so quickly. I don't any of us will ever be the same. Ever."

Victoria sat in her garden, absently picking off the petals of a flower. Everyone, except for Serena and family, thought that Victoria was jealous because Sarah was engaged before she. Now that is ironic, Victoria thought bitterly. I was engaged to Vernon this summer, before Sarah was engaged to Gerard. But I suppose that is not important.

The day was cold, frigid, and colorless. But Victoria felt none of these, she, who was usually so sensitive to the colors and feeling of the day. It was not that Sarah's engagement to Gerard hurt her, but the significance of it. They were growing up. Of course, Victoria knew she was engaged to Vernon, but marriage seemed so far away: she would be married when she graduated from Radcliffe. But Serena's... James'... Sarah's... weddings were all next year. That was so near.

But I suppose I deserve it for living in a fairy world, Victoria thought with resignation. For thinking that my loved ones would never be affected by changes... what a fool I was. But then don't we all make mistakes like that?

"There you are," Vernon said, seating himself down next to Victoria. "Why are here? It is so cold."

"I like feeling numb," Victoria answered neutrally. The flower that had been in her hand dropped to the ground.

Vernon rubbed her gloved hands together, studying Victoria's profile. "What is wrong, Victoria? You've hardly spoken to anyone in the past few days."

Victoria smiled brittily. "Aunt Grace told you that, I suppose? I have spoken to you quite often these past few days."

"Dull, meaningless chatter," Vernon reminded. "No, your Aunt Grace said nothing to me, darling. Now what is wrong?"

Victoria sighed sadly. "Everything is so devastating, Vernon. I cannot stand it."

"What is so devastating?" Vernon asked seriously. "Sarah's engagement?"

"No, not her engagement, but the significance of it, Vernon," Victoria answered, her voice pleading.

Vernon leaned back and crossed his arms, stretching out his long legs. "What is so significant about it, Victoria? You are engaged to me."

"Forgive me for saying this, but our engagement does not seem real," Victoria remarked laughingly, although her laughter was hollow. "We have not announced it -- "

"You do not wish it," Vernon interrupted, raising an eyebrow.

Victoria nodded. "I know that, Vernon. Thank you for your patience. Nor do I have a ring to make it seem real. But I don't want a ring yet, not until we announce." She threw her hands into the air. "But nothing seemed real until Sarah told me she was engaged. Don't you understand, Vernon? We're all growing up. And there is nothing that I can do."

Vernon watched Victoria, silent. There were many thoughts running through his head; he chose not to voice them. Instead, he sat on the stone bench, waiting for Victoria to continue, which she did, with less passion and with less energy.

"I love Sarah with all my heart, as much as I love father," Victoria said quietly. "Sarah was the center of my existence when I first came here. Serena despised me, and Aunt Grace... she had so many things to do. Uncle George, Cousin Peter, and Cousin Frederick all had their own little things to do. They could not be bothered by a little cousin. I knew you were here, but I did not wish to bother you nor did I ever wish to see you again."

"I do not think I could express the feelings in my heart or the absolute torture I am feeling right now," Victoria continued tiredly. "Everything has changed so, and I never wanted things to change. But they have to change, don't they? Life has no flavor if things did not change. I suppose I must accept things as they are. There really is no point in not wanting things to change. Life is terribly odd, Vernon. Sometimes it's perfectly incomprehensible and bitter."

Victoria turned around to face Vernon, a tremulous smile on her face. Some of the pallor had gone, but the light lines around the eyes and the dark smudges belied sleeplessness; the frail frame, which seemed to have grown thinner, indicated a lack of appetite. Her hands were folded at her heart as she put her right foot in front of her left. "I must leave now, Vernon. Good-bye." With a slight bow of her head, she turned and lightly ran back to her house.

"Oh, Victoria, you must let me choose the color of your bridesmaid gown," Sarah said with pure delight. She looked through the pattern books, lying down on her stomach on the bed. Her light blond hair was down her back, and she was dressed in a white wrapper.

Victoria turned only her head to smile lightly before turning her face back to the window. She was stooping slightly, her arms crossed loosely, her hands at her elbows. There was really nothing to see outside for Sarah's window showed only the bare trees and wilting grass of the Simmons' backyard. But to Victoria, they were comforting things: at least they were the same.

Sarah eased herself up somewhat, so that her torso was raised but lower body was still on the bed. "Oh look, Victoria. Isn't this shade of cream lovely? I am sure this would fit mother so well."

Victoria tilted her head, not bothering to look at the pattern Sarah was pointing to. "Is it really? How nice."

Sarah turned to look at Victoria's bed, closing the pattern book and sitting up, Indian-style. "Victoria? Is something wrong?"

Victoria shrugged. "No, Sarah, everything is all right."

"If something is wrong, we could always talk about it," Sarah suggested eagerly.

No, Sarah, we could never talk about it, Victoria thought silently. That part of our friendship is gone or will be gone when you are married. Aloud, she replied, "Of course."

Sarah hugged her knees to her chin, like a little girl, scrunching up her face. "I could not believe that Gerard proposed to me. It was almost like a dream."

"I am sure it was," Victoria said emphatically.

Sarah smiled, her eyes lighting up at the memory. "He was perfectly sweet and so very romantic. It was as if I had written it for a story." She giggled. "Was it the same for you?"

Victoria was thoughtful, leaning her head against the windowsill. "I am not Vernon's first love, Sarah. Amanda was."

"I'm not asking about Vernon," Sarah said decidedly. "I am asking about you. Was it like the storybook proposal you had always dream of?"

"On the beach?" Victoria asked wryly. "Hardly. But I suppose that since I loved him, nothing else mattered."

Sarah nodded in complete agreement. "Gerard proposed to me on a pavilion, but it wouldn't have mattered where as long as he loves me and I love him."

Victoria smiled, a shiver down her back. For one brief moment, they had shared something. Each moment was going to be so precious with so few left.

"Has Vernon said anything?" Sarah asked gently.

Victoria knew what Sarah was talking about it. "No, he has not told that he loves me, Sarah. Somehow I doubt that declaration will ever come."

"Have you told him?" Sarah asked, amused.

Victoria looked horrified as she met Sarah's eyes. "Me? Of course not, Sarah. I am not going to say anything first."

Sarah wisely decided to let the subject drop for the moment. She rose from her bed and walked to where Victoria was. She placed her hands on Victoria's shoulders and propped her head on top of Victoria's left shoulder. "What is it about my backyard that interests you so?" she teased.

Victoria smiled dryly. "The eternal sameness about it, I suppose."

Sarah was silent for a moment before she spoke. "I have been thinking about it, Victoria."

"Thinking about what?" Victoria asked, glancing down at Sarah's profile.

Sarah smiled sadly. "I know how you feel, Victoria, though you have said nothing these past few weeks. You feel like an absolute stranger, barging into your best friend's life. I must admit I have not been much of a friend these past few weeks, Victoria. My engagement cannot excuse my behavior."

"Sarah -- " Victoria interrupted.

Sarah shook her head. "Hush. Let me finish. Yes, there will be changes, and I'm not comfortable with them either. Yes, I'm ecstatically happy that I am engaged to Gerard, but I am also scared for my future. I am leaving the world of comfort and security, and opening myself. I am going to have to allow myself to face the pain and the heartbreak, but I am sure there will be the joys and the beauty waiting there for me." Sarah wrapped her arms around Victoria. "It is not the end of world, Victoria. There is so much waiting ahead of us. The world does not end for us when we leave maidenhood. There is wifehood, motherhood, and unfortunately, widowhood." She forced Victoria to face her. "Victoria, you've survived so much. You survived thirteen years with your horrid sister, Amanda, and the grief that followed it. You survived coming here, to a strange new land, where our accents are different from yours."

Victoria laughed. "Oh, Sarah, if you had not -- "

Sarah shook her head, putting a finger on Victoria's lips. "You would have done fine without me. You have a courage and a spirit, Victoria, that no one can match. That is why Vernon loves you, although he will not say so because of his ridiculous pride. But enough of him. Victoria, I cannot bear to see you wallow in self-pity. You have so much to live for. Just because I am getting married... you will go on." She threw her arms around Victoria and hugged her fiercely.

Victoria was indifferent to the hug at first, but then she returned the hug. For a brief moment, Victoria understood what Sarah was saying: she could have explained it. But now... all she wanted was to return to that past, that elusive past that was not going to be there anymore.