Reconsidering my life

It's been two days since the news of Isaiah's death. The funeral was small seeing as his parents were gone, I and a few others was all he had. I gave money to his auntie who was suppose to be adopting him next week, she was hurt as bad as I was. I offered to pay for the funeral but James took care of it. That whole day seemed unreal. I tried to take it in but the more I tried my mind didnt bare to believe it. But it was true. He was gone.

It was now a Wendsday. I washed my face and brushed my teeth. I took out my clothes for the day and headed to the shower. The hot water burned my skin but at the same time I felt I needed to be punished. Losing my little pal was my fault. I hated myself. I cut the shower short before I lost total feeling inside, got myself dry, dressed than headed to the kitchen.

My dad and tray were sitting down eating cereal and stopped as I hit the bottom of the stairs. They both looked at me with sad eyes in a half smile. "Lucky are you doing okay?", dad asked, I nodded slowly before giving it a second thought. I knew I wasn't okay but they didn't need to know that. I walked to the refrigerator to get myself a glass of orange juice and grabbed a piece of toast off the table. Each move I made, eyes were on me. I felt smothered as hell so I bounced. I needed my girl. Yeah family is great for times like this but I been avoiding people til Isaiah's funeral passed in I knew Kaylah was worried about me. I approached her house in knocked, about 20 seconds she answered bombarding me with a hug.

"Ohhh my god Lucky!!".

"Baaabe I caaaant breeaaathe".

"I don't care, I missed you!".

"I miiiiiiissed yooou too".

She laughed letting me go and stared at me.

"Don't worry about the phone calls, I know you wanted to be alone, I lost someone too remember".

I nodded in grabbed her waist pulling her back into me. I smiled as she rested her head on my shoulder. This was why I loved her, she understood. We walked inside in sat on the couch.

"Do you want anything, I just made cookies!".

She smiled, I shook my head.

"Lucky, look, I know its hard but babe there's nothing you could of done".

I stared at her shaking my head, "I was suppose to be there".

"And then what?, you get shot too!".

She yelled, I didnt get bothered by it though, I get what she meant.

"If I was there he wouldn't have gotten killed".

"Look, I'll get you some cookies okay".

Kaylah's words were irrelevant to me, all I did was think why wasn't I there. I thought over in over til it hit me. Kaylah stood in my face with a tray.

"I made peanut butter and choco--"

"You!!".

"Huh?".

"You, you're the reason!".

"I'm the reason what...?".

"If I had left here like I planned to he would still be alive!!".

"Lucky its not my fault! you can't be serious!".

"Yes! Yea I am, its your fault for begging me, I told you I needed to go but you constantly begged!!".

"If you wanted to leave that bad you would have but no you stayed!".

"I was so stupid to for listening!".

"Wow really is that what you feel!?"

"Yes!!".

"I just wanted you to be with me!"

"For fucking sex!!".

"Oh I'm sorry I thought you stayed for me!!".

"For you!?, you know damn well Kaylah I'm always here for you!".

"Not when your with those idiots you call friends!"

"And thanks to you one of them is now dead!!".

"Fuck you!".

By this time everything became silent and still. We were both in tears. I shook my head keeping in those last words that she said to me in walked out of her house not looking back. I ran off towards James crib using the spare key he gave me, I got inside still crying, he noticed in stopped me.

"Ay waddup?".

"Nothing".

"Dude... you are in my house crying..".

"Ugh Kaylah and I had a fight".

"Why, aren't y'all the happy happy couple".

I shot him a shut up look.

"Man whatever, she the reason Isaiah is gone".

"For real!?".

James had a weird expression on his face and I don't blame him.

"I guess, look if I would of left her crib that night he wouldn't of went off to the bank".

"Well serves him right".

"What?".

"Im saying, he's better off in heaven than us always running around he didn't need to be around this life Lucky and you know it".

I pondered what he was saying.

"Uh yea I guess your right".

"Yea I am, with his parents being burnt to death who knew what would of happen just know I got u iight?".

I gave James a look in nodded.

He nodded in walked into the living room. I stared him down.

[The police never mentioned that their bodies were in the fire]

I got up from the couch exiting the house telling the guys I'll catch them later but I felt my mouth and throat get dry, so I went back into the house and decided to grab a soda.

"So when are we taking her out too James?"

"Soon, I'm thinking of another bank robbery will do the trick".

"Yeah let's let her die like that bastard did".

"Yeah no doubt".

Laughter filled the room.

I couldn't believe my ears. I stared at James. James was to into the television so he didnt even notice me. I took a deep breath reaching for my gun but remembered that I left it at home. I sighed in walked into the living room. Everyone eyes was glued to the TV set. I could of took them all out. They were planning to kill me now. I stared in thought

this is what Isaiah was trying to warn me about. James was the issue, he killed his parents. It all made sense.

James finally noticed me standing, he shut off the tv in that snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Ay .... girl... we thought you were gone".

He looked a little scared. Everyone began to shift in their seats making odd faces.

"Yea I did leave but I grabbed a soda, I'm heading back out now".

I put on a fake smile.

"Oh good good and ay we have another bank to hit in 2 days, so don't be MIA for this one".

I nodded. "Oh yeah, I won't. I can't wait!".

**********

I got home without anyone bothering me, Kaylah called me 3 times but I sent them to voicemail. I laid back onto my bed in took in all my thoughts. My memories all played around.

*************

You ever feel like you were in the right places at the wrong time?....yeah me too. All my life things felt right to me but in reality they were wrong, very wrong. I knew I was different from my high school days. It all started the day the popular kids invited me to a pool party. I only got invited because the cheer leader was dating my brother. Typical. We were all sitting on lay out chairs chilling and that's when it happen. J.Cole ft. Jhene Aicko Sparks will fly played loudly. Lots of people were around talking, drinking, having fun.

"Hey Luckynzee check him out".

Says Judy, the head cheerleader.

Josh Cabanal walks our way in blue shorts with his bare chest glistening.

"Doesn't he look scrumptious?!".

"Uh.....".

"Uh....what do you mean uh?".

"I mean uh ....yes..yes he does".

"right".

I roll my eyes at her comment as I stare over by the Jacuzzi where Tina sits dangling her legs that were looking smooth as ever. She notices me and smiles. I smile shyly.

"Ohhh god! who invited her!?".

"Right Tina is disgusting with her lesbian ass".

"You said it Judy, I think all Gays should die!!".

"Right Lucky!!?".

I snap back into reality.

"Earth to Luckynzee".

"Huh ?".

"Don't you think all gays should just die!!".

Those words pierced my heart. I looked at Tina still smiling and back to Judy.

"I uh-".

"Of course you do!".

"I have an idea Judy!!".

Heather speaks. She's whispering to Judy. I'm sitting there lost with a few other girls.

"Oh good one!"

"Hey Luckynzee, we know you want to be apart of the group so as your first task we want you to pull off Tina's top and toss it into the barbeque".

Everyone eyes is on me.

"Uh...I ...Uh..".

"You want to be popular don't you?!...you wouldn't want Trey to have a geek as a sister".

I'm in my thoughts.

"Oh hell, I'll do it!!.

Heather quickly runs towards Tina, my mouth is gapped open, I try to yell out but I can't and suddenly Tina is bare chested in front of the whole 11th grade. Everyone is laughing and she darts her eyes at me, snatches her top in runs to the house. I look around then follow behind her, since everyone was outside, I was safe. I head to the room where I saw her go.

"Tina..?".

"Go away Lucky!".

"Tina baby please open the door".

I wait out for 2 minutes than the door opens up and Tina's reapplying her bikini top.

"So now I'm your baby?, was I baby as you watched those bitch clones do that shit to me!".

Tears fell from her eyes.

"I'm I'm sorry".

"Save it Lucky!".

"I really am, I was going to stop it just things-".

"Oh right you were going to help the homophobic women who hates all gays!! but its soo funny seeing as they are sitting with a lesbian, but they don't know that now do they!?".

"Tina you know I cant!-" .

"Can't what!, tell them your gay or you won't be popular?, well if that's what it takes, why am I even your girlfriend!".

"Tina its not like that!".

"Then tell them Lucky, tell them your gay, tell them I'm yours, tell them you love me! I'd rather you be happy and open to be popular than the lies you do now!".

She's crying and grabbing her things.

"Tell them Lucky or we're threw!".

We're face to face. I try wiping her face but she moves.

"I can't just yet Tina".

"Fine".

She storms out the room towards the pool area as I follow behind and everyone is staring our way.

"Oh god here comes the lesbo and look she's trying to hit on our friend, Lucky back away from her!!".

Heather shouts out and everyone else just stares. Tina looks at me, shakes her head than begins to walk away. I hate myself for this but I just let her. I let my girlfriend walk away. Soon as she was gone everyone cheered. What a bitch move I made. I hated my guts. Was it really worth it. After 30 more minutes of no fun, I spotted Trey and I told him I was heading home. He wanted to drive me but I told him to stay, enjoy.  I needed to go alone, my plan was to see Tina and make everything right.

I arrived on her block to see the ambulance and police all around.

"No!!".

I ran as fast as I could to see Tina's parent crying and screaming towards the door way. Than my eyes saw what they saw. Tina.

Tina committed suicide that evening because of me. She slit her wrist multiple times deeply and her parents found her hung from the ceiling light.  I spent 2 months after Tina's death in a lie til I finally came out to my mom and Trey. 12 grade Trey moved away with my dad than my mom got a new boyfriend so I also moved with my dad but the move was much bigger, we all moved to LA. I myself hated change. I hated me. I was in denial and lies for a year and all its gotten me was a funeral of the one I truly loved. Before we set off to LA, I promised myself the next crowd I become fond of will know I'm a lesbian and that I love women. No more lies. I also promised me that I will never let anyone run me or run over me. I Luckynzee Sanchez was going to change for better or worst.