Ch.24

Buffy looked saddened and pulled me back inside for a shower and more sex. It was a balm that took my mind off what I'd lost and let me feel as if they were the ones with me. Buffy didn't seem to mind as she closed her eyes and enjoyed the feeling herself, remembering some lover or other no doubt. It'd taken time for her body to adjust to my size before but things were easier now.

She said I was by far the biggest she'd ever had and when she could take me all, she said there was certainly no comparison. I hardly cared and just let go, lost in my own memories of similar pleasures with lovers long dead. There was a condom issue when I released inside of her afterwards. Still, she wasn't in heat as my senses told me so I didn't say more once the broken condom came off.

She washed herself out, complaining that it would take a shovel to China to get it all. I grabbed a douche from a store through a portal and handed it to her in the box. She said it was illegal to steal and I shrugged. "What are they going to do? Kill me?"

She rolled her eyes and asked me to help her use it, saying it was my baby batter and she had no experience with it. I got some warm water and warned her it would be unpleasant or so Carol said each time I helped her. Weirdness ensued and soon she was clean if however unhappy. She told me to use more lube next time and I shrugged before we continued.

There were several next times later, but she had to forgo repeated experiences and just let me go without a condom until I helped her one last time after we were done. By then she had to sit because she was tired again. I left her sleeping in bed once she was dressed for it and made her brunch seeing as it was that time of day. Dawn said we were loud and I shrugged, setting a plate of food in front of her before saying I had to go to the magic shop so she and Buffy had the house for a sister's day out or whatever.

I tossed a wad of cash on the counter and told Dawn to order in and have a movie night or go out for a spa day with whatever young women do for fun together when they have cash and nothing else to do in this world. She called it shopping, hairdos and more shopping. I grunted and she said she was going to need more cash than that.

I grunted. "Buffy has the rest, that's your spending money."

She squealed and thanked me but k just ignored the happy hugs and took Buffy her food. She woke up to eat and yawned saying it earned me more nookie later. I huffed lightly and told her I was leaving to the magic shop now and Dawn was eating downstairs. I reminded her about the stack of cash in the nightstand before she told me she'd pick up more condoms.

I shook my head, telling her not to bother. She said she wasn't getting pregnant and I shook my head. "No, I've a solution I think will work. I've technology from my world that can make something more ideal, a condom that doesn't break and is self cleaning so it's reusable."

Her eyes went wide and asked how. I shrugged. "Technology. Nanites mostly, but basically technology. If you want a more in-depth reason I can bore you with the details."

She shook her head saying she was good so long as she didn't have to use the douche for what amounted to cement baby batter. I shrugged and left, uninterested because it was just physical and we were using each other equally. I portaled to the magic shop and freaked customers out. Anya asked that I stop doing that because it scared away customers.

I told her it was proof magic was real and those interested few would spend more money on their junk. Giles grunted saying it wasn't all junk which I agreed. "True, the Troll god hammer and the Ferula Gemina have decent potential, but the stick can't kill me, I've tried it already and the hammer is just a hammer with no more ability to kill me than Thor's hammer or axe. So they're useless to me."

Anya had to give me that before telling Giles I was right, the junk was useless so they should sell it and get better stuff. Giles said he wasn't selling a godly artifact or a staff that could be used to kill Buffy. I told him I could buy them and store them in my ring with the gems so they can't be used against Buffy. He said he'd think about the hammer but the Ferula Gemina was alright since I didn't exactly need it to kill everyone.

I grunted and paid for it with the stacks of books and scrolls I went through within a few minutes with the power of the time stone. I slid the books aside and put the staff in my ring while Giles said he'd put the books in the top collection with all the rest. He then told me I should make another trip to LA to sell more gold and pearls for the next order because some expensive ones are coming in.

I left to LA where I sold a veritable ton of gold to pawn shops and gold buyers. Then pearls to jewelry buyer contacts I'd made through Angel, the vampire ex lover of Buffy's that played guardian angel of LA. He'd put me in touch with a demon who knew a guy. I'd been led into several ambushes the first few times until I slaughtered half the demons in that part of LA to make a point.

This next one ended with me facing off with some shady lawyers. Angel told me they were Wolfram and Hart, evil and they sold their souls for money and power. I offered to kill them all and break the portals they had to LA and his entire team looked at me baffled before Wesley asked where exactly I came from. I grunted. "Giles didn't tell you?"

Angel shook his head. "He just said you're human, ancient and unkillable with a death wish. Not a lot to go on seeing as you aren't from this dimension."

I huffed. "I'm not even from this reality. The assholes there refused to or couldn't kill me so they kicked me out when I tried to force their hands. I several million years old and I could bitch slap the gods of this world into a sniveling mess. They gave me their best shot and couldn't even give me a bloody nose. Fucking useless wimps."

I turned to Angel. "As their champion, I really feel bad for you. How about you work for me instead? We'll kill everyone evil, demon or human and lay waste to the thousands of hell dimensions connected to this world. What do you say? I could use a sidekick until I find out how to die for good."

He shook his head. "Pass. I'm no one's sidekick."

I shrugged and tossed back a bottle of Jack infused with enough magic to make a human explode from a drop. Lorne, a green drunk of a demon asked what I was having. I slid it to him telling him one drop could make a human mortal explode from magical overload and turn an immortal into a plastered dumbass for a day.

He said he'd rather not test it then because he was still mortal. I shrugged and downed half the bottle before setting another next to him. "It's safe in small doses for mortals. I had it aged a thousand years. It's Asgardian ale, or as close to it as I could get with ingredients from this reality."

He snatched the bottle fast. "Don't mind if I do."

He poured a large drink and came over plastered after the first swallow. He said it was the best alcoholic beverage he ever had before asking why it tasted like caramel apples. I shrugged. "It was the best I could do that tasted like nectar from Idun's apples used in the brewing process."

He said it was good before he began singing and hiccuping. I gave a bored look saying I was going to see what Wolfram and Hart knew about the magics of this reality. Gunn asked if I was going to bust heads and I shrugged. "Only if they try to get in my way. They're evil and I've no interest in playing nice or making deals with demons. No offense my green friend."

Lorne hiccuped and said none taken before falling over asleep on the couch. I put the lid on the bottle and told Wesley to give it to him when he wakes up or drink it themselves in small quantities. Gunn grabbed a weapon and I grunted. "If you're coming with me, you won't need that. They're just humans, vampires and demons. If there's a fight you can watch them die screaming. Think of it as comedy tv."

He sighed. "Simpson a here we go."

Angel decided to come and I walked into the building a half hour later with Angel and Gunn. Their vampire alarms went of and I threw the guards into the walls like rag dolls before they sent out vampires and demons as guards. A simple smack to their heads parted them from life as I slaughtered them. Humans fled and screams ensued as we walked up to the offices of the head lawyers who fidgeted.

Lindsey, Lilah and Linwood Murrow stood there as half their offices were torn apart with the dead demons and unconscious humans. Angel had talked me out of killing the humans outright so when I made finger paint of the last demon, Murrow asked. "Angel, who's your new friend?"

Angel smirked. "Someone that can do to your bosses what he just did to that demon and all the others we met on the way here. His name's Oz and he's not from around here, much like your dead security guards."

Murrow held out a hand to me and I took his handkerchief, wiping the gore off my hands before tossing handing it to him. "Show me all the spell books and scrolls your firm has access to and I won't make a mess of the rest of you. Tell your bosses I said if I have to, I'll go to them and treat them like the weak demonic bitches they are."

I turned to Gunn. "Did I say it right?"

He nodded with a smile and said hell yeah before I turned to Murrow. "I don't have all day, well, I have all of eternity, but I don't have any patience for demons or their cock sleeves. Run along before you're unable to run."

They grimaced and Murrow said Lindsey would show me to the magical archives. He then said he would deliver my message personally to his bosses. I shrugged. "Tell them the Powers that Be hit me with their best shot and it only tickled so if they think they can hit harder, I might just get a hard on to try them, but if they disappoint they'll die a very permanent death alongside all of those that work for them. I so hate being disappointed."

He grimaced and left while Lindsey led the way. Angel asked him how the hand was and he asked how his kid was. Angel grew irritated before I had to stop him, grabbing him by the throat. "If your vendetta costs me what I'm looking for you'll die just as easily as they can. Stow your shit or leave."

I turned to Lindsey as I dropped Angel. "Speak again without permission and I'll tear your tongue out and staple it to your forehead."

He grimaced and led the way to the magical archives room. There the entire room lit up green as I floated into a sitting position. I looked through all the tomes and learned a great deal before I finished. It took about an hour as their knowledge on magic, the sheer amount of spells and the demonic languages took time to decipher.

When I finished, I floated back to my feet as the green light faded. I growled. "Nothing here can help me. It's useless."

I waved a hand and all the texts disappeared from their shelves. Lindsey asked to speak and I nodded so he asked. "What is it exactly that you're looking for?"

I grunted. "How to die. Apparently I'm so immortal I can't even die anymore. I punched a world eating giant garbage disposal man in the face for nothing apparently. Fucking asshole sent me to a useless reality for nothing."

Lilah said they don't have everything here because there's too much and these were just physical copies for interns to reference. She said if I was looking to die she was sure they had something that could kill me. I gave her an annoyed glare before telling her to show me. She brought me to the head of the Research and Intelligence department.