The Weather in My Heart
"Not the right time for rain huh…" A thought wormed its way into my mind.
17 April, 20.
It was raining, heavily.
Trudging along under my umbrella, I'm walking through the mundane, daily, path on my way to college.
"She's here again." I thought.
A highschool girl using the same train as mine. We are going to the same destination, a station one hour away from here. It's baffling, really. Because, although here in the hinterlands transportations are lacking, there're still few better alternatives if you're trying to go to the only school in the area.
Well, it's not my place to judge. Because what I'm doing is not any better.
Walking ahead in life, while leaving behind my heart and soul. I'm slowly becoming a machine that society needs to function.
Anyway, the hour I spend on this train is my sanctuary. The only time and place I am allowed to be me. After the hour is over, the mask society wants me to wear must be worn.
Though I had forgotten when, this girl one day showed up on the usually empty compartment. At first, I thought she's just late, or she just wants to try another transportation alternative. Then she showed up again the next day and the day after. Until her presence became a part of my sanctuary.
I thought today would be the same as every other day until our gazes met accidentally. It's only for a second, but I could see panic, helplessness, and despair on her eyes. I reverted my gaze as she did, but that face she worn stayed on my mind.
I did nothing though.
"We have arrived at *** station, please check your belongings and thank you for using *** company's train."
The intercom's voice broke my train of thought and I went out the door to do the usual college stuff that day.
=========================
18 April, 20.
It was raining, heavily.
Trudging along under my umbrella, I'm walking through the mundane, daily, path on my way to college.
"She's going to be there again." I thought.
She's not there. I thought she's late, but even when I waited until the doors closed, she's hasn't arrived yet.
=========================
19 April, 20.
It was raining, heavily.
Today is Sunday.
A day where I can do whatever I wanted to do in the weekdays. But I don't feel like doing anything today.
=========================
20 April, 20.
It was sunny and warm.
Today I felt invigorated. Maybe because I can finally console myself for not doing anything back then. Maybe that girl will be there when I went inside the train.
…
She's not there. Maybe she's using another alternative, yeah.
=========================
21 April, 20
It was cloudy, maybe it will rain today.
She's not there, just like yesterday, and the day before.
Maybe because a part of my sanctuary's not there, today I messed up in college. Creating a rift between me and my friends.
=========================
22 April, 20
I don't care about the weather today, maybe it was raining because after I got home my clothes were soaked.
The rift grew bigger, they're ignoring me. I felt panic, helplessness, and despair over this. Before, I thought such thoughts were beyond me. Looks like reality proved me wrong.
=========================
24 April, 20
This damned rain really won't stop.
They're not including me in everything they're doing. I'm practically alone.
=========================
28 April, 20
It's raining again, and today I forgot to bring my umbrella.
They told me to go outside and wait until my clothes are dry. Their reasoning was because the smell of rainwater distracts them from their study.
=========================
5 May, 20
It's sunny today.
It's all that girl's fault for not being there when I needed her.
Although it's golden week today, I'm staying home.
=========================
11 May, 20
It was raining, heavily.
I found that girl. The reason I'm like this.
She's sitting alone in a restaurant, looking like the usual her at the train. Or so I thought.
"Heh, she's smiling right there ain't she, happily chatting with her friend."
Tears trickled down my eyes.
Give me back my friends and the life I once had, I thought.
I know it's unfair to her that I think like this. But who else should I blame for what happened to me?
Myself?
I've done my best for society and everyone else! Why is my sacrifice not acknowledged?
She's the cause. Must be.
…
Though I really wanted to think like the protagonist, at the end of the day, life is just a story being slowly told to us by our surroundings. That's why, as the God and creator of this small universe, let me reverse some of it.
…
=========================
11 May, 20
It was raining, heavily.
I found that girl. The one regret of my life.
She's sitting alone in a restaurant, looking like the usual her at the train. Or so I thought.
"Heh, she's smiling right there ain't she, happily chatting with her friend."
Tears trickled down my eyes.
I know it's unfair for her to just disappear like that. But at the end of the day, she got her own life and I got mine.
Now, I've got my own life to fix.
=========================
5 May, 20
It's sunny today.
I should've asked that day what had happened to her.
Although it's golden week today, I'm staying home.
=========================
28 April, 20
It's raining again, and today I forgot to bring my umbrella.
They asked me to go outside and wait until my clothes are dry. Their reasoning was because the smell of rainwater distracts them from their study.
Well, I understood the smell of rain these days are really stinky. I'm thankful that they relented and let me come in after the water dried off even though the smell remained.
=========================
24 April, 20
This rain really won't stop, I hope everyone remembers to bring an umbrella.
They're not including me in everything they're doing. I'm practically alone.
I think it's time to reflect on my behaviours up to this day.
=========================
22 April, 20
I don't care about the weather today, maybe it was raining because after I got home my clothes were soaked.
The rift grew bigger, they're ignoring me. I felt panic, helplessness, and despair over this. Before, I thought such thoughts were beyond me. Looks like reality proved me wrong.
=========================
21 April, 20
It was cloudy, maybe it will rain today.
She's not there, just like yesterday, and the day before.
Maybe because a part of my sanctuary's not there, today I messed up in college. Creating a rift between me and my friends.
I hope I can recover our friendship.
=========================
20 April, 20.
It was sunny and warm.
Today I felt invigorated. Maybe because I can finally console myself for not doing anything back then. Maybe that girl will be there when I went inside the train.
…
She's not there. Is she okay? I hope she's okay. I should've talked to her back then.
=========================
19 April, 20.
It was raining, heavily.
Today is Sunday.
A day where I can do whatever I wanted to do in the weekdays. But I don't feel like doing anything today.
=========================
18 April, 20.
It was raining, heavily.
Trudging along under my umbrella, I'm walking through the mundane, daily, path on my way to college.
"She's going to be there again." I thought.
She's not there. I thought she's late, but even when I waited until the doors closed, she's hasn't arrived yet.
=========================
17 April, 20.
It was raining, heavily.
Trudging along under my umbrella, I'm walking through the mundane, daily, path on my way to college.
"She's here again." I thought.
A highschool girl using the same train as mine. We are going to the same destination, a station one hour away from here. It's baffling, really. Because, although here in the hinterlands transportations are lacking, there're still few better alternatives if you're trying to go to the only school in the area.
Well, it's not my place to judge. Because what I'm doing is not any better.
Walking ahead in life, while leaving behind my heart and soul. I'm slowly becoming a machine that society needs to function.
Anyway, the hour I spend on this train is my sanctuary. The only time and place I am allowed to be me. After the hour is over, the mask society wants me to wear must be worn.
Though I had forgotten when this girl one day showed up on the usually empty compartment. At first, I thought she's just late, or she just wants to try another transportation alternative. Then she showed up again the next day and the day after. Until her presence became a part of my sanctuary.
I thought today would be the same as every other day until our gazes met accidentally. It's only for a second, but I could see panic, helplessness, and despair on her eyes. I reverted my gaze as she did, but that face she worn stayed on my mind.
I did nothing though.
"We have arrived at *** station, please check your belongings and thank you for using *** company's train."
The intercom's voice broke my train of thought and I went out the door to do the usual college stuff that day.
I hope my choice today will not affect her life badly.
~Fin~