Sherry/Sulbi

I usually introduce myself as Sherry. Or Sulbi. Or I tell people that they can just call me whatever. On the surface, I'm a timid, short Korean girl who reads webtoons and draws in my free time... and I guess on a deeper level, I'm still that. There's nothing really noticeable about me besides that I still wear glasses and have not yet converted to contacts. Or that I wear different variations of my physics shirts from high school in college. The only interesting aspect about myself is not about me. It's about a guy. His name is Conan. Conan Conrad.

He's been the biggest mystery and crush throughout my life. His grandma and I are actually best friends. We met at the coffee shop I've worked at since I was 14. There's a small immigrant population in the city and an even smaller Korean population. Grandma Yuseo and I connected instantly when she accidentally ordered her small coffee in Korean and then corrected herself by saying "omo, I mean small coh-fee."

I responded by saying "neh" which is a polite way of saying yes in Korean. Since that slip of Korean, we have been friends since. Our conversations and interactions usually surround art--Grandma Yuseo is quite the artist and she's phenomenal at graphite sketches--and Korean American culture. I've also been helping her out with English by reading middle school / high school level books with her. We sometimes meet up on the weekend to knit and crochet together too. As odd as it sounds, when I'm with Grandma Yuseo, I feel young again. I feel accepted. Making friends has always been really difficult for me due to cultural barriers and being bullied for being Asian growing up.

Conan was the only person in school who looked somewhat like me. Although Conan has more euro-centric features, I remember in high school, his mom picked him up and his mom looked like me--full Korean. Conan was even more popular in high school. But he didn't know me then and he still doesn't know me now in college.

Sometimes I'll go to Grandma Yuseo for boy advice. She said she was quite the pretty girl back in her day. By the way, I didn't know Grandma Yuseo was Conan's grandma before I met her, I promise. I once told her my sophomore year of high school that I had a crush on this half Korean boy, Conan. I explained the situation and how he doesn't know me and wouldn't want to know me because I'm kind of a nobody at school. I embarrassed her with the details of why I liked Conan and how he was kind to everyone even when no one was looking--one time during gym class, everyone partnered up and there was this kid who never had a partner and no one liked him, so then Conan came up to him and asked if he wanted to be in a group of three with him. Not only that, he intentionally includes quiet introverts like me in conversation and make us feel heard during class seminars. After I told her why I admired and liked Conan, she smiled and said, "You should meet my grandson" and then pulled up a picture of Conan. I was shocked and embarrassed as hell. Two years passed and I finally gave Grandma Yuseo the OK to give Conan my number. She updates me every year on how Conan is still single with no girl. She tells me that I'm her hope. That she wants me to be her granddaughter in law.

When I got his text, I was sitting in my room, staring at the corner of the ceiling, blanking out and then immediately shot up from my bean bag chair and started jumping up and down like a maniac. I was frantic when he told me that he wanted to meet up. I lied and said I was having dinner with my parents and brother who came from out of town. I don't even have a brother. I just have a younger sister who despises me because of puberty and pre-teen turbulence. Oh my god, I didn't know what to say back. I looked in the mirror and saw my snaggle tooth shining through my wide grin, emo Asian girl hair, chubby body, and overall dorky appearance. It would be embarrassing and awkward if I met up with him. So, I made up an excuse.

Maybe when I'm brave enough, I'll "hit him up." Whatever that means. But for now, this is huge. I'm talking to Conan.