Beside You Ch. 28: Damage

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Damage

I was frozen.

I couldn't press call.

She was going to be furious either way.

What could I possibly have done?

I glanced up at Michael.

He looked like he was trying to read my mind.

His eyes went over my face as if he was trying to read the page of a book.

Maybe my book was a little jumbled.

"What is it?" he finally asked.

"Can you press it?" I asked.

I held my phone up to him.

All he had to do was press the call button.

"Is that really what you want?" he asked, "Why not put it off if it's so hard to do it now?"

I couldn't put it off.

I just looked at him.

He sighed before he brought his hand up to press the call button.

I was quick to press the phone to my ear.

Each ring only increased my nerves.

Once it reached the fourth ring, I heard her voice.

"Mayren," she said.

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say.

When she was mad, anything that came out of my mouth was wrong.

"I'm sorry I missed your call," I said.

"It must have been something really important," she said, "For you to ignore my call."

I didn't ignore her. I didn't even hear my phone go off.

I couldn't even defend myself right now.

She would only get angrier.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I didn't hear my phone go off."

"You called me after I texted you," she said, "Seems like you heard it that time."

It was purely a coincidence.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Enough," she said, "I called to talk to you about what your teachers said."

I felt myself starting to shake.

I didn't realize that Michael's hand stopped moving until it started moving again.

The warmth of his hand lingered on my back the whole time.

"Fortunately, I didn't hear bad things," she said, "But I also haven't heard anything particularly good either."

Huh?

"You don't stand out," she stated, "You don't excel at anything."

I felt myself frown.

"Why did I even send you there for you to learn nothing?" she snapped.

I haven't even been here that long.

What great things did she expect from me?

"Where are you right now?" she asked, "You should be studying."

I glanced at Michael again.

"I'm out with my roommate," I stated, "She wanted me to try her favorite pizza place here."

It wasn't a lie.

"And what did you do before that?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Mayren," she said coldly, "You don't answer your phone, and you expect me not to check the tracking on your phone?"

I felt sick.

"Do you want to explain to me what you were doing at a Tattoo shop?" she demanded.

Not really.

"My roommate wanted to get a piercing," I said, "And she asked me to come with her."

"It's a Monday," she snapped, "You should be at school."

"It was conference day," I said, "There were no classes."

"And that matters because?" she asked.

"I thought it would be okay," I said.

"You thought it would be okay?" she laughed.

Shit.

"Are you saying that if I were to video call you, I wouldn't see any piercings on you?" she asked.

I never said I didn't have any.

"My ears are pierced," I said.

"What did I say?" she snapped, "Who paid for it?"

"She did," I said.

"And why would she do that?" she asked.

Fuck, she was expecting an actual answer, wasn't she?

"It was a thank you," I lied, "We had a project in Home Ec, and I helped her."

"What grade did you get on this project?" she asked.

The last project we did, we got an A.

"We had to make a couple different desserts," I said, "We got an A."

"So, she was your partner?" she asked.

"Yes."

"So then, why would she get you a thank you gift for doing your work?"

I hated this.

"Honestly," I said, "I think it was an excuse to get herself a piercing."

"So, your roommate is reckless?" she asked.

Fucking hell.

"No," I said, "She is very responsible, and she does well in school."

"Just well?"

"I don't know all of her grades," I said, "But the classes we do have together, she has high grades."

"Hmm," she said, "And she just wastes her money on something so frivolous?"

It's her money. She can do whatever the fuck she wants to with it.

Even though Michael technically paid for me.

"And who's paying for the food you're eating now?" she asked.

I frowned.

"It better not be me," she said.

"She bought it," I said.

"Sounds to me like you should ask your roommate next time you need something," she stated.

Despite the warm soothing hand on my back, I felt cold.

"That's not what I meant," I said.

"It doesn't really matter what you meant," she said, "You think you can make all of these decisions on your own."

Oh shit.

This was not how I thought this conversation was going to go.

"Then you can pay your own way," she said, "Right?"

"I don't have a job," I said.

"Sounds like your problem," she said, "Act like an ungrateful child, get treated like one."

The phone went dead, and I started to shake harder.

Not long after the call ended, my phone buzzed again.

I glanced down to see a text.

From: Mom – 'Don't bother using your card for a while. It's frozen.'

What the fuck did she expect me to do? Beg?

Did she really hate me that much?

"Ren?"

I looked at Michael, and I could see his anger.

"Did she really just cut you off?" he asked.

I nodded.

I couldn't ask them for help.

It felt wrong.

"You have nothing to worry about," he said, "Benny and I will take care of you."

I shook my head.

"I can't ask you to do that," I said.

"You didn't," he said, "I know it bothers you, but I prefer to know that you're alright."

I nodded slowly.

"Your mom is…" he hesitated, "She's a special breed."

I expected him to call her names.

Did he have a weird thing about moms?

Now that I knew about his mom, it felt a little more obvious.

There was one thing that bothered me.

If he loved his mother so much, why was he so awful to other girls?

"You're not going to call her names?" I asked.

His gaze locked with mine.

"Did you want me to?" he asked, "I was trying to be respectful."

I shook my head, "Thank you."

"I didn't expect her to react that way," he said.

That was her. She was good at that.

"I don't think anything you could have said would have made her happy," he said, "She was ready to twist your words."

He noticed that too?

"We should get back," Michael said, "Benny and Gus are probably worried."

I nodded.

"Are you going to tell them?"

I didn't really have a choice.

"You don't have to if you don't want to," he said, "If it's money you need, I can get that for you."

It felt wrong not to tell them.

"I should," I said, "It's not fair to put it all on you."

He didn't say anything.

"This is something I did," I stated.

"No," he said flatly, "Your mother is making you feel like you did something wrong."

Is that what she did?

"You did nothing wrong," he said.

It felt like I did.

Was this the power she had over me?

"It's up to you, Ren," Michael said, "Just let me know what you want to do."

I had to think about it for a minute.

I didn't want to hide this.

This would affect them too.

"Even though it feels a little embarrassing," I said, "I would prefer to tell them."

He nodded, "Okay."

"Thank you," I said.

His hand on my back nudged me forward.

After a few steps, I felt his warmth leave.

He was guiding me back to the table.

I saw Benny and Gus at the table.

Benny had moved over so that she was sitting next to Gus.

I sat in the same spot I was in before.

Benny's gaze on me felt heavy.

It was like she could tell that something was wrong.

"Is everything alright?" she asked.

Michael didn't hesitate to sit next to me.

"Not really," I said.

Benny looked like she wasn't sure what she was allowed to ask.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Gus asked.

I nodded slowly.

"Take your time," Benny said.

I sat there silently for a few minutes before I was ready to talk.

"It was my mom," I said.

"Did something bad happen?" Gus asked.

My mouth opened, but nothing came out.

This was a little more difficult than I thought.

I didn't even know where to start, let alone what to say.

"Let me start from the beginning," I said.

They all sat there silently, waiting for me to explain.

"You asked me before," I said to Benny, "Why I never got my ears pierced."

She nodded.

I could see the worry increase on her face.

"My mom never let me," I stated, "She always said it was because I would want more jewelry to wear if I got them pierced."

She looked confused.

"That it would cost her more money than I deserved for her to spend on me," I said, "That, and she always said…."

I couldn't finish what I was going to say.

I didn't want her to feel bad for doing this for me.

I wanted them pierced too.

"Only pretty girls deserve jewelry," Michael said, "Your mother doesn't deserve you."

Benny's face dropped.

She looked upset.

"I didn't say anything before because I have always wanted to get them done," I admitted.

Gus looked just as upset.

"When I didn't answer her call," I said, "She tracked my phone."

I could see Benny struggling to stay quiet and not react.

"Let me see your phone," Michael said.

I handed it to him.

"She asked why I was at a Tattoo shop," I said, "And I lied a bit about why we ended up there."

Michael was going through my phone, and it made me a little anxious.

"She asked who paid for it all," I said, "And I told her it was a thank you gift, because my mom doesn't expect anyone to do anything for nothing."

Benny leaned back in her seat.

Gus just folded his hands and rested his chin on them.

"This started because of me not being at school today and not having exemplary grades."

I nervously squirmed in my spot.

"She said that because I was making adult decisions," I stated, "That I didn't need her."

It was hard to keep talking.

I wasn't sure how to say the last part.

"She cut her off," Michael stated.

Benny's mouth actually hung open for a second.

"That's it," I said, "At least for now."

Benny leaned forward, "Ren, I am so sorry."

I shook my head.

"That is a cruel thing to do," Gus said, "Did she really say that only pretty girls get jewelry?"

I nodded.

"Ren," Benny said, "You have to know that isn't true."

I glanced away.

"Why should she even care?" Michael asked, "She didn't pay for it."

"It isn't fair to make your child feel like less than just because you are lacking," Benny said.

"You have to know how beautiful you are, Ren," Gus said, "No matter what anybody else says."

It was nice of them to say, but I didn't feel beautiful.

Too many things happened in my life that made me doubt that.

"I'll tell you until you feel it too," Benny said.

It was like she read my mind.

"I told her that we would take care of her," Michael stated.

"Of course," Benny said.

"Is that even a question?" Gus asked, "We got you, babe."

I could feel my eyes start to sting.

"I'm sorry," I said, "And thank you."

"No need to apologize," Benny stated, "It's not your fault."

It felt like it was.

If only I had done something different.

Maybe if I just said no.

"Ren," Michael said.

I looked over at him.

He held my phone out to me.

What was he doing?

"I turned off the tracking," he stated, "She shouldn't be able to use it anymore."

He really did that?

"Thank you," I said.

"He's smarter than he looks," Gus stated, "Believe it or not."

"Shut up," Michael sighed.

"Just because he does a lot of stupid shit doesn't mean he doesn't have a brain," Benny laughed.

"My belly button still hurts," Michael frowned.

I couldn't help but smile at that.

"Mine too," Benny frowned.

"Beauty is painful, right?" Gus asked.

Michael glared at him.

Gus just grinned back.

"How do your ears feel?" Benny asked me.

My hand went up to touch my ear.

"They don't hurt anymore," I said, "They just feel hot."

"I take it your mom doesn't know about the tattoo then?" Gus asked.

I shook my head.

She would lose it.

It was my body.

Why did she care?

Why was I even asking that?

It gave her an excuse to be cruel.

"I know it won't be easy," Benny said, "But try not to worry too much about your mom."

It was easier said than done.

"She is probably waiting for you to call her and beg for forgiveness," Michael stated, "And that won't happen."

"You think that's what she wants?" Gus asked.

"After making her feel like she did something wrong, yes," Michael said, "It's a classic move an abuser would use."

An abuser?

I don't think I ever really thought about it that way.

I thought it was just me.

I thought I was the one that brought that out of her.

"Ren?"

I looked up to see Gus staring at me.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, "Honestly."

How was I feeling exactly?

"I'm not sure," I admitted.

Maybe I felt a little numb.

I thought she treated me so harshly because she hated me.

I thought I was the one that made her that way. Her jealousy. Her anger.

Maybe it wasn't me.

Maybe it was her.

What if she was already like this long before?

I looked at Michael.

The damage has already been done.

I could still see the bruises on his face.

Even though it was because of Steven, and some of it was my fault.

He was damaged too.

Damaged people damage others.

Don't they?

Don't we?

I did that to him.

"What is it?" Michael asked.

My mouth opened, but nothing came out.

Tears just blinded me.

I didn't feel the usual warning burn.

"Ren," Benny groaned.

Michael looked a little awkward, but his hand guided my head to his shoulder.

I clung to him, and I sobbed.

"Are you alright?" Benny asked.

"I'm fine," Michael said.

Why was he saying that he was fine?

I realized the grip I had on him.

His arm was in the sling, in the black hoodie.

I forgot about his arm again.

My body moved away, and I tried to wipe the tears from my face.

"What happened?" Gus asked.

"My arm," Michael said, "I'm okay, Ren."

I shook my head, but the tears wouldn't stop.

Maybe I would end up just like my mother.

Maybe all I was really capable of was hurting people.

It sounded ridiculous to me even as I thought it.

I wasn't that kind of person.

Right now, I was just fracturing again.

I could feel the pieces chip away.

"Ren," Michael said, "I'm okay."

My head shook again.

He moved closer and his arm wrapped around me.

"This is happening," he said, "Cling to me until you feel better."

His blue eyes were determined.

I could also see his worry.

My face landed on his shoulder again before moving towards his neck.

The hood was thick, and I felt a little bad wiping my face on it.

His hand was on my back, rubbing and patting a little clumsily.

I felt Benny's hand on my back too.

"Ren," Benny said, "Honey."

I hated the way crying felt.

The heaving hurt.

I couldn't breathe properly.

It felt wrong.

The act of crying felt violent.

I hated it.

I felt Michael rest his cheek on the side of my head.

"There's probably nothing we can even say to help you feel better right now," he said.

"We can try," Benny said, "We can do that much."

I felt a little guilty as I clung to Michael.

It felt good despite everything else.

My left arm went around his back, and my right hand just clung to the front of his hoodie.

He was warm, and it made me feel better.

The boy who didn't like to be touched was actually holding me while I was upset.

My head turned just a little until I felt his cheek on my forehead.

"Now what?" Gus asked.

I was able to calm down a bit.

I wasn't ready to move away.

"We should head back soon," Gus said, "Curfew."

"We have a little time," Benny said.

"It wouldn't hurt to wait a little longer," Michael said.

There was a short silence before Benny spoke.

"So, I've been thinking," she said, "We should make some time for a little game."

"What kind of game?" Gus asked.

"Don't you think it's a little too soon for that?" Michael asked.

"Not at all," Benny said, "I don't think Ren minds."

"Another bet so soon?" Gus asked, "It feels a little soon."

"What do you think, Ren?" Benny asked.

"Depends on the bet," I said.

It was probably awkward for Michael, but I still wasn't ready to move away.

His hand on my back felt hotter.

Was I making him nervous?

Was he bothered about the bet?

"It was Steven and his jerk self," I stated, "Bets with you guys are different."

"We're the only ones who suffer," Gus said.

"You're a big baby," Benny said.

"Pussy," Michael chuckled.

"I just don't like having to do weird stuff," Gus said.

"Well, now that we are an even number," Benny started, "You'll need to participate more, babe."

"That's hardly fair," Gus said.

"We have more stuff we can do now," Benny stated.

"We have teams now," Michael said.

"Still," Gus said, "Sometimes you guys come up with pretty fucked up punishments."

"You take the bet. You suffer the consequences," Benny said.

"Common sense," Michael said.

"You two teaming up on me isn't fair," Gus sighed, "Ren, babe."

"If Gus doesn't want to play, he doesn't have to," I said, "We'll just have to find someone else for team activities."

"Wait," Gus said, "That is not what I meant."

"Hold on," Michael said, "What's with all the babes?"

"I forgot to tell you, huh?" Benny asked, "Ren, Gus, and I are a threesome."

"What?" he asked, "Since when?"

"It's been a few days," Gus stated.

"You can always join," Benny stated, "We can be an orgy."

"No, thanks," Michael said.

"Haven't you already been a part of one of those?" Gus asked jokingly.

"And it will never happen again," Michael stated, "Too many hands."

"Too many sneak attacks," Benny stated.

"Constantly having to guard your ass doesn't sound like a fun time," Gus said.

"Depends who you ask," Benny said.

"Benny?" I gasped.

"Woah," Benny said, "Not like that."

"Sounded that way," Michael said.

"As far as I'm aware," Benny stated, "You're the only one of us that's done that."

It suddenly got awkward.

I could feel Michael shift uncomfortably.

"Shit," Gus said, "It's getting late."

Benny looked at her phone.

"He's right," she said, "We should head back now."

I slowly detached myself from Michael.

"Feeling a bit better?" Benny asked.

I nodded.

Benny was the first to get up, then Gus followed her.

Michael was a little slower to move.

He was out of the booth, but he stopped once he was out of my way.

I got to my feet, and I stood in front of him.

"How are you really feeling?" he asked.

I met his eyes.

"I feel better," I admitted, "Thank you."

He stared at me a few seconds longer before heading for the door.

I wasn't that far behind him.

The ride back was quiet, except for the occasional jab at Gus for not wanting to lose a bet.

++++++++++

I didn't realize how tired I was until I got to our room.

I didn't even want to change my clothes.

"Ren?"

I glanced over at Benny.

She sat in her computer chair before looking at me.

"I'm sorry again," she said, "I didn't think getting your ears pierced would turn out like this."

I shook my head, "It's not your fault."

"I know that," she said, "But I didn't think anything bad would happen just because you got a piercing."

"Is it bad that I still like them?" I asked her.

She was quick to shake her head.

"I feel a little guilty," I admitted, "That I don't feel bad about getting them pierced."

"You shouldn't," she said, "They look good on you."

I smiled at her, and she grinned back at me.

"I'm fucking tired," Benny sighed.

"Me too," I said.

"Then sleep," she pointed at my bed.

"I will," I said, "I just need to change first."

I glared at the dresser that held my clothes.

Benny got up to change her own clothes.

I just needed to get on something more comfortable.

My body fought me as I put on a pair of sweatpants and a long-sleeve shirt.

Both were light gray.

I landed on the bed, and I let out a satisfied sigh.

My head turned to look at Benny.

She was already on her bed with her eyes shut.

I didn't think today was really that exhausting. Not physically, at least.

"Goodnight," I said.

She only hummed back at me.

I found myself smiling slightly.

Now I could finally sleep.

My eyes closed, and I waited to drift off.

I waited and waited.

It wouldn't happen.

My eyes opened, and I searched for my phone to check the time.

It was barely after ten.

I frowned.

I rolled to my side, and as I tried to set my phone on the small nightstand, it vibrated.

Was it Michael?

I brought the device closer to check.

It was a message from Steven.

Then another.

I wasn't sure if I was ready to look at his messages yet.

Some of them went back a few months.

When everything was still fresh.

I stared until the screen went black.

Maybe I should just get it over with.

I was having a hard time sleeping anyway.

I sighed as I went into the messages.

Steven's name had a green dot next to it.

I mentally prepared myself to read some horrible messages.

From: Steven – 'Seriously?'

We were off to a great start.

From: Steven – 'What the fuck? Where did you go?'

It was when I was leaving for fat camp.

I didn't say a single thing to anybody.

From: Steven – 'You think hiding away at home is going to change anything?'

From: Steven – 'You're the problem.'

I frowned.

It wasn't true, but after the day I had, it felt possible.

From: Steven – 'No one would pick on you if you at least tried.'

From: Steven – 'Mayren?'

From: Steven – 'Seriously? I'm trying to fucking talk to you.'

From: Steven – 'Don't fucking ignore me.'

From: Steven – 'Where the fuck are you?'

From: Steven – 'Why aren't you coming to school?'

I didn't think he's care if I showed up after all of that.

From: Steven – 'Why am I wasting my time on a fat fucking bitch like you?'

The words always bothered me.

I may not be the size I was before, but I always felt big.

From: Steven – 'You're disgusting.'

From: Steven – 'You had to go and fuck it all up, didn't you?'

Huh? Fuck what up?

From: Steven – 'You should have just said yes.'

From: Steven – 'Then none of this would have happened.'

Is he for real?

I was getting angry even though it wasn't him saying it to me right now.

From: Steven – 'If you don't respond, I'm going to your house tomorrow.'

Jokes on him.

I was already gone.

From: Steven – 'Seriously?'

From: Steven – 'I talked to your mom today.'

From: Steven – 'Fat camp?'

From: Steven – 'lol.'

What an asshole.

From: Steven – 'It's about time, you fucking cow.'

From: Steven – 'Come back hot and I'll fuck you.'

From: Steven – 'For real this time.'

If it was up to me, I'd never go back.

It's a shame he had to come here.

From: Steven – 'Did they take your phone?'

From: Steven – 'Are they afraid looking at pictures of food will make you gain weight?'

From: Steven – 'You dumb fucking cunt.'

From: Steven – 'You blocked me, didn't you?'

It took him that long to figure it out?

What a fucking idiot.

From: Steven – 'We could have been something real.'

From: Steven – 'You had to go and fuck it up.'

Why did he keep saying weird shit like this?

From: Steven – 'I didn't even care that you were fat.'

From: Steven – 'You were a total bitch.'

Thanks, I guess.

From: Steven – 'If you ever see these, I doubt you will.'

From: Steven – 'I should have been better to you.'

From: Steven – 'I know that.'

From: Steven – 'You just pissed me off with how little you gave a shit.'

How little I gave a shit?

I tried to have a real relationship, and you didn't want anything to do with it.

From: Steven – 'I'm sorry Mayren.'

From: Steven – 'If I see you again, I'll try to do things differently.'

What the fuck?

His messages were all over the place.

He went from hating me to feeling bad.

He treated me like shit.

He chose to do that.

I didn't make him do any of it.

My eyes went to the most recent messages.

One was sent the other day.

The last two were sent just now.

From: Steven – 'Mayren?'

He must have tried after I left the hospital.

From: Steven – 'Did you unblock me yet?'

From: Steven – 'I'm sorry. I can't make things right if you don't give me a chance.'

He isn't wrong about that.

I just didn't want to fix anything with him.

I didn't want him to be a part of my life anymore.

The damage is done.

I wasn't sure I had it in me to try anything like that again with him.

Besides, Michael was the only one I wanted.

I sighed as I glanced back up at the time.

After eleven now.

I wanted Michael.

I knew it in my gut.

I knew it like I knew I needed air to breathe.

I typed out a short response to Steven before setting my phone down.

To: Steven – 'You are officially unblocked.'

To: Steven – 'I'm going to bed now. Night.'

I wanted to talk to Michael.

I wanted to see him.

Even if I saw him today already.

The thought crossed my mind, and I felt a little disappointed.

I remember Benny and Gus talking about seeing each other before bed and first thing in the morning.

I wanted that.

My hand reached for my phone again.

I searched for his name, and I went to our message feed.

To: Michael – 'Are you awake?'

I hesitated before sending a second message.

To: Michael – 'How is your shoulder?'

To: Michael – 'Be honest.'

I stared at the messages.

My phone vibrated, and I wasn't sure why.

I didn't see a message notification pop up.

I pressed the back arrow, and there was a red mark next to Steven's name.

Message failed to send.

Huh?

Did he wait for me to unblock him just so he could block me?

Bitch move.

My phone vibrated again.

A red mark was next to Michael's name this time.

Message failed to send.

Wait.

I sat up, and I stared down at my phone.

My fingers felt numb as I clicked on Michael's name and then tried to call his number.

It didn't even ring. I just heard a message from our service provider.

She did more than cut me off.

She disconnected my phone.

I gripped my phone hard as I tried to fight the tears.

No.

She didn't deserve any more.

All she did was hurt me, again and again.

She always expected me to apologize like I did something wrong.

Not this time.

I wasn't that same broken girl I was when I left.

My body went numb as the screen went black.

I heard somewhere that when a bone breaks, it heals stronger.

It's time I did too.