Part XXXV

"Fate?" Miranda asks bewildered, "what do you mean fate?"

"A test." Joe answers for Sean, "she'll undergo a test. If she passes then she's destined to be Queen and if she doesn't, annihilation."

Like a knot, my stomach tightens and my breath hitches in my throat. A test? Failure means annihilation? I don't even want to be queen of anything?! Why don't I have a say in this? I can't be Sean's wife. Not while I still breathe and have control of myself. I'd never love nor marry the man that destroyed me. Never.

"And what 'test' is this?" Miranda asks again.

"That would be best kept hidden from the human" Joe says looking at Sean as if to remind him and I just want to go back in my room but I can't act on my own accord. Damn Sean and his stupid rules. Damn all these scary people. Damn my weakness and cowardice!.

"On the third moon from now," Sean speaks up, "we shall gather again for the test. For now, we should prepare for whatever is to come."

"Assuming she fails," Miranda asks defiantly, "who would you marry?".

Silence envelopes the whole room as everyone waits earnestly for an answer, including me but definitely no one's as curious as Miranda.

"You." Immediately the word fall from Sean's lips, you could tell he wishes to pick it back up but instead, he gets up and comes to me holding my hand as I get up and we both appear in my room, laying on the bed. Removing my hand from his, I sit up on the bed and look down at him lying with obvious worried eyes looking into my scared ones.

"I don't want to be Queen." I speak up and he looks away sighing deeply and folding both arms behind his head.

"I don't want to be King." He responds and I frown at him. What business of mine is that? Why is he telling me?

"You want Dylan to come back alive," he continues and my heart sinks in my stomach at the mention of his name. "I want you to marry me. You don't want to keep living with me and seeing my face. I don't want Adrian to draw another breath. You probably want to kill me right now. I want to kiss you right now." He takes a pause and looks at me causing my heart to skip a bit. "We both want and don't want so many things Crystal but the funny thing is our wants don't matter. The universe throws whatever it wants at us and all we can do is accept it. We could get what we want sometimes, we could get what we don't want too but in the end, we just have to make the best of whatever we get while aspiring for more."

Staring at him speechless with so many confusing emotions running through me, I try to digest all he just said. I'm definitely not going to accept marrying him if that's what he's driving at. I'd rather die.

"I want chocolate." He breaks the silence, "I'm sure the universe won't deny me that one since its right in my fridge." Chuckling, he sits up too, facing me.

"What's the test?" I ask.

"I can't tell you." He responds.

"Not even a hint?"

"You're glaringly not fit for a physical battle so I'm assuming it's going to mental. Emotional"

"What?!" Isn't that even worse? Trust me when I say physical pain is the best type of pain. You can heal with ointments or medicine, you know the cause of your pain and how to treat it. But emotional torture? That pain hits differently. Time's the only treatment. Long seconds tick by and you feel yourself slowly ticking away, the world becomes cramped and you crave for space to breathe, haunting memories reopening wounds forming scars. I don't know how the test would take place but I'm sure as hell I can never be prepared for an emotional battle.

"You will overcome, I know this." He says sincerely, looking at me like I've already won and rests his back on the bed.

"And why are you so sure?" I ask

"You might not want to be queen, but I know you don't want to die. The universe can't be so unfair to only one person." He smirks and closes his eyes sighing, "You've been through a lot Crystal, you need a break."

I try hard to hold in the tears that start forming in my eyes and I don't why. Probably because all I've been through in such a short while flashes before my eyes when he said I need a break. I really do. I thought the only break I could get was death. But isn't it? I can only truly rest when I cease to exist but as long as I keep living, breathing, my brain remembering and my heart still hurting, guilt eating away at me and my conscience a constant reminder of my vile sin, I can't truly rest. Of course I don't want to be Queen although I want to win. But then, if death's my only escape I can decide lose. Intentionally.

"Don't." Sean's voice startles me and brings me back to reality, "don't even think about it." My eyes widen in fear that he was listening to my thoughts.

"D-dont think about what?"

"About kissing me ofcourse. I could feel your eyes on my lips." He smirks and I scoff in disbelief. He must have been a joker at a circus in the past or something.

"Not even in your wildest imagination Sean."

"I'm imagining it right now." He says and opens his eyes smiling widely. I pick up the pillow behind me and just as I'm about to hit it on his head, he disappears frightening me a little. I can never get used to that.

"You're such a coward." I say in the air hoping he heard. He sure takes life simple. Laughing and making jokes like nothing's at stake, like he has not a single care in the world. Who would believe he has nightmares too and probably a bad past. He told me to do same. To live. And here I am thinking of losing intentionally so I could die. Die. I say the word out, trying to taste it in my lips and realise it's not something I thought I'd ever 'want'. I'm just so deeply confused and tired. One second I wanna live, the next I want a deep hole in the ground for my lifeless body. I have just three moons to decide.