Zek

I am a damned idiot.

That's all that had been on my head last night.

What is wrong with me?

Even when fire was raining around us, when Earth Kingdom soldiers were being slaughtered by the dozen, all my mind could truly focus on was how badly I had messed up.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Hundreds dying around me, and I froze up.

I still couldn't forget how Luke and Zare had found me, just standing there, in front of Ka'lira's room, like a deer cat frozen in torchlight.

When the fighting had begun, it was the first place I'd gone. Of course, naturally, she'd refused to let me get a word in edge wise. She'd locked herself in her room, barricaded herself in, and I had made the conscious decision that I'd sooner die there than leave her to her fate.

I was willing to let myself die there.

Why?

Because I love her, damnit.

Not that it changed anything. Even now, I knew there was no way I'd be able to talk to her. I'd tried on the Earth Kingdom ship, and, of course, it had yielded no results.

Can I blame her?

No, of course I can't.

I deserve it, the cold shoulder. Hell, I deserved significantly worse than that.

I'd been an idiot to think there were some things I could really leave behind for good. Things as horrible as that. Even what Luke had done, was that any worse? Worse than what I did.

Damnit, Zek.

I couldn't help but wonder if maybe it was for the best. If, maybe, this was better for her. I knew she'd get over it. In time. She was resilient like that. She'd move past me, she'd be fine, likely find somebody with a past leagues less fucked up than mine own.

But is my own suffering really worth the chance of her finding something better?

Yes. Yes, it is.

It was no question. If it was one, then it was one immediately shot down by a quick and decisive answer. There was no need to dwell on it. I knew precisely what the proper answer was.

Why am I thinking like this? Why am I so ready to let go?

I'm not, damnit.

And such was the internal contradiction of asking questions and answering them with responses that only elicited more questions. It was a tragic loop that had no end, and only overlapped over itself again and again and again.

My head had been stuck in this state endlessly since last night. It didn't matter how much I tried to snap out of it. I was stuck there.

I wasn't sure to be thankful or aggravated at the sight of Luke and Zare approaching me. I found myself surprised at first that they'd managed to find me until realizing that I wasn't particularly hidden where I was near the edge of town, looking out into the dense forest surrounding Jingping. I supposed that more of the surprise originated from the fact that they'd gone looking for me in the first place. If, in fact, it was me they were looking for. It was just as likely they were merely passing by or seeking me for directions to somewhere or someone else. I wouldn't have been surprised if such were the case. I wouldn't exactly be eager to talk to me were I in their shoes.

It turned out, however, for some unimaginable reason, it was me they were seeking, made apparent by Luke being the one to speak first, stating, "Zek. There's something we gotta do without Gordez or anybody else knowing. You in?"

I hadn't needed to ask for details for Zare to chime in. Hell, I hadn't even had time to really become aware of their presence, much less actually come up with a response. "We're going to try to find the nuns and the others before the Fire Nation can find them. We'll be gone for a few days, but it'll be quicker than last time with just us travelling."

I didn't require any more details. I needed to get out of here, needed to clear my head, simply do something, damnit.

I found my arm wrapping around the strap of my rucksack to my side before I could even think of what I was signing up for. It didn't matter.

There was something selfish about it, doing this for my own sake rather than for the essential value of being able to help these people, though that certainly was part of it. However, I wasn't afraid to admit to myself that I needed the time and space to clear my head, even if that need blinded me to the absurdity of what we were about to do.

It didn't matter.

"I'm in."

And that's all there was to it.