1. Dawning of Happiness

Its' been an hour since I started to sit at the end of this wooden, creaky ramp on the river reflecting the blue sky as I wait for the sun to show itself. Waiting for the sun everyday has been my thing for the past few months- no, no- don't misunderstand. It's not because I love the scene, or I admire the river- it's also not to fish, of course, though I have a rod with me for disguise and a headphone to stop people from talking to me- though people rarely come to this site at dawn because of a rumor that there were ghosts roaming around the area- which was of course, made by me.

Going back, I don't go here to idle. It's to remind myself how indifferent the world was to my sufferings. How can the sky and river meet so beautifully – so ethereal that it's so painful- how can the trees sway with the wind so gracefully- why are the birds so free? How can all things be beautiful while I- I'm too broken to be loved? I'm too ugly to be appreciated. I'm to useless, worthless, helpless…

Lifeless.

A person like me doesn't belong to this world for it is so beautiful, making me out of place.

My name is Skye, I'm aged 16. My family? Oh, I didn't know who they were or where they live for I was abandoned in this very same spot when I was just a baby. The priests took me and raised me, but I don't know- I left the monastery despite being treated well because I can't stand how kind they are to me. I just can't stand how their hearts are so beautiful. Am I flawed? Am I even human?

Believe it or not, I have a rare disease- I can't feel happiness. Come to think of it, I can no longer remember the last time I felt that emotion. I have received gift from the priests, and I was thankful, but happy- nope. I have never smiled genuinely as well but I do fake it in a way that people won't suspect.

Minutes after my contemplation, the majestic sun started showing himself. It was so fucking depressing and beautiful at the same time. Looking at it is like looking at a canvass being painted in front of me. My eyes started tearing because of pain which I have been accustomed to all my life that I think we became friends- or it even became part of me.

It's so beauti-

"Hey! Hi! Can I sit beside you?"

"Eh-?!"

-

-

-

A girl showed up randomly, making me jump from the end of the ramp to the cold, freezing water I've been trying so hard not to touch. I felt myself submerge as all the sounds faded as the water clouded my eyes and ears. Unprepared with my breathing as I sank at the bottom of the river, and being unable to swim, I let myself be pulled downwards as the coldness stabbed me.

At the end of the day, I was left to die by my parents, and maybe just dying was really my fate. I was left here, and maybe I'm supposed to die here as well.

I opened my eyes little by little, enduring the pain I felt as I looked side by side and noticed that the water was getting darker and light was becoming less. I can feel myself losing breath as my whole life flashed before my eyes.

I failed to make an impact on this world, and no one's probably going to look for me even when I'm gone. No one's going to miss me or remember me-

I looked above, knowing that my life- my sufferings would be over in a moment. My body was struggling to get up on the surface, but my spirit won't cooperate because I deserve this. I deserve th-

No…

No…

No…

Please don't…

Don't come please….

A girl wearing a beautiful white dress was swimming down towards me and she was reaching out her hands for me to take.

Please don't do this to me. Please don't when I'm on this state because my body will-

Trying to fight what my body says, I refused to look at her one more time. I'm sure she'll give up eventually. I'm just a stranger- a useless, unknown stranger unworthy of salvation.

She'll give up. I'm sur-

I closed my eyes and welcomed death as my body went numb because of coldness.

I'll finally be free.

I'll finally be happy.

My sorrows would now start to wither away with my body-

However, I felt a cold hand reach out on my head as it pulled my hair. As if slapped hard by the reality, I found myself held by the girl on the white dress and she faced me. Nearly out of breath, I coughed but her mouth caught mine-

She was giving me air. I was welcomed by her big bluish green eyes as she ensured that I wasn't out of breath and she started swimming towards the surface while she held my hand, and sooner or later, I found myself coughing on the ramp, with the sun fully seen at the end of the river.

"Why…." She asked. Her voice sounded so fragile and I looked at her to see that she was so skinny. "why didn't… you… reach… out you.. your.. hand…?" she asked as she tried catching up her breath. She looked at me after talking and I saw her crying- and sorrow was really evident on her pale face which has turned to pink- especially her perfect nose.

"Why did you… save me?" I asked, having fully recovered from my near-death experience.

"That's a stupid question." She said and tried to stand up from the ramp as I watched. "Why wouldn't I save you? You fell down because of me." She added.

Struck by her answer, I remembered how I accidentally jumped at the water because of surprise with her sudden appearance, and having remembered that, I realized why she saved me- it was because she was afraid of her conscience.

I also stood up and faced her as she panted heavily. Picking up my pace, I showed her the smile I always gave the people- an unsuspecting, genuinely looking one, which is fake. I never wanted her to save me. I never asked her to.

"Thank you for saving me." I said and smiled as she looked up at me. She suddenly straightened her back and looked at me with emotions I cannot fathom it scared me. "I have to go though. See you."

I said that and started to leave when she threw me something and hit me in the head. I felt hot liquid springing from my head, and before I knew it, I faced her again.

"What do you think you're doing?! Isn't it enough that you nearly killed me once?!" I yelled.

"Your smile is fake." She said. I couldn't deny that I flinched so hard at her sudden statement.

"No, it is not." I answered.

However, the pair of blue eyes looked at me again and my heart felt more painful. She was so beautiful she was almost perfect. She is a reminder of how ugly and pitiful I am.

"Why… who hurt you?" She asked as she approached me, her light footsteps were starting to get creepy.

"What are you talking about?" I asked…. Hoping she'd stop walking, but she came closer…

And closer…

"Your eyes are so sad." She added and stood in front of me, almost only 3 inches separated us. Her blue eyes were tearing, and I averted my gaze from her because she was constantly reminding me that I don't belong in this world.

"You don't comment to other people's eyes like that." I told her and glared at her- which was supposed to make her go away- but she neither flinched nor showed fear. Her eyes frightened me more and I had to restrain myself from backing away.

"I know. I'm sorry but your eyes are…" she said without averting her gaze one bit. I wish she'd go away. "they are asking for help."

"Shut up." I immediately replied and turned away from her because I can't stand being around her. I can't stand her with reasons I still haven't discovered.

"Wait!" She said and held my hand as I walked away. However, due to the fact that I'm not used to being touched, I was startled and pushed her that she fell behind and I had to pick her up. I approached her and offered my hands to her, which she took- but she all of a sudden pulled me into a hug. I froze as her arms wrapped my trembling body. "All of those are just your façade. Deep down inside you is a scared, caged person. It must have been hard for you… It must've… been… painful."

I flinched. I don't care anymore if she felt it or not because it's not really important anymore. How dare she act as if she knows anything. How dare her to try to act as if she understands. She doesn't. No one does. No one understands.

And so I pushed her away. If I hurt her or not- I don't care anymore. Out of all the people I knew in this insignificant life of mine- she takes the cake of being the most annoying. I hate her so much.

I walked away feeling the blood gushing from the back of my head. I didn't know what she threw at me but it seems like she hit me hard because the bleeding hasn't stopped yet.

All of a sudden, I felt dizzy- and I knew my steps were no longer taking down a straight path because I'm nearly losing my consciousness. I saw blood on my shoulders flowing to my arms and my being afraid of blood got into me and I panicked.

I didn't know what happened, but I just had the best sleep in my life. I don't care if all my blood would be out of my body because it was worth it.

So this is what it feels to rest. I want to rest for the rest of my life.