Chapter 39: Cammy' Point of View

I never thought that there will come a day that Ajan will need help because she has always been the strongest person I know. She has been the source of my utmost strength that helped me battle all the hardships and the obstacles life had given me and to think that my strength also needed strength is such a terrible thing for me because I looked up to her all my life. Maybe she's struggling... Maybe she's just having a hard time- but no, I'm just trying to console myself of my melancholy- all of Joy and Light's missions are about people trying to take away their lives because of great pain- a pain that haunted me and costed me my life, and it haunts Ajan now.

Sadness is just like a cloud carrying thunders and rain which comes with at everyday without notice, like an arrow that will always come at me no matter how hard I hide... And which haunted me every night.

I have always wondered what kind of future awaits the people like me who took away their lives await- and the days of wandering in the earth made me realize everything.

My whole life was just about existing- I never lived and that's just... painful to think of. Maybe I lived when I was happy... But the great pains i have experienced killed the little happiness inside me- my happiness was wiped out till nothing was left. I've given everything I had to people who obviously did not need my help until nothing was left to me - until I became a living carcass without a heart and a soul to even protect because I've also given them all away. I destroyed myself when I should have loved myself. I looked down on myself and believed that I am alone with nowhere to go - with no one to run to.

I was sad for taking away my life- but I never repented. All this earth was just about pain and melancholy. If living and existing is equivalent to dying inside every single day, I don't want it. I'd still choose to die and just drift upon the other realm.

I don't want the pain of having to live everyday and deal with the sadness that makes me almost lose my sanity. I don't want to deal with the pain that haunted me because even if I didn't want them, they'd still enter my mind like it's their comfortable home they can always come back to. I envy the thoughts for they had a home - it was my entirety- but how about me? I have a home- a physical one- but it's an empty casket- I don't have anyone. The intrusive thoughts that stabbed my brain so it would think that I was actually losing sanity was so scary and painful that I hated myself for having those thoughts. I wished every night and every time I saw falling stars for them to stop coming - I wished for them not to come anymore because it makes me sad to even deal with the world plus the thoughts but they still came - and they inflicted a massive damage on me.

By helping Light and Joy with their missions, I have found my solitude and contentment in helping people haunted by the same pain that haunted me. It is ridiculous to think that I found peace after I died because of helping people... and I'll have to admit that helping them made me a bit happy and peaceful....

But deep inside of me- a huge part of my entire being wishes to be saved- wishes to live again and seeing the people they helped smile again after all the pain have a huge toll in my fragile heart...

It made me wonder if the pain of all the suicidal are the same or different or are there more painful pains?Because when Joy and Light helped those people, they were able to smile afterwards--they still chose to continue living and to not give up.. But when they helped me... I still proceeded and killed myself without any hesitations.

What if I was never sad?

What if I let the people I love save me?

What if I never left?

What if I don't have these what ifs?

It's funny how I am having what if's now that I'm dead- now that everything's over.

I was happy to be able to finally find peace... I was happy to help. But now, I'm fading away and the reason of that- is what I hate the most!

When I saw Ajan, the person who is not with me anymore... I wanted to live again and be with her- I wanted her to hurt me again and endure them by coming back to her, and when I had that urge, I started to fade away- I started to feel numb.

Maybe this is why Light didn't want me around... Because I will repent for all my sins.... Especially for taking away my own life.

I've deprived myself of life because the world deprived me of happiness... And love... And a chance to feel alive.

Maybe this is the limit of how far I can go.. But not Ajan's... Certainly... She'll reach heights because she is strong and able to abandon everything that meddles her way.

Light and Joy... Please.. Save her.

Please save her.

Please..

Please!