Chapter Six: Apology

"In that case," she turned around, lifting the device on her hand facing on my direction which made the three of us stop. "Why is the Tracking Device not picking up any life signals from her? Instead..." she pressed something. "...if I shift it to core signals, only then the Device would actually notice her there."

I felt my chest skip a beat at what she said, looking at the Commandant who was frowning at me in confusion. I averted my gaze, gripping the balck scarf around my neck. Her eyes this time actually looked very stern and serious, unlike her usual pokerfaced expression. It made me gulp, knowing I messed up again.

"Your Tracking Device must be broken." Was what Commandant said, showing the cadet her watch. "My watch is picking signals just fine. You should always check your device, Cadet. It's dangerous to have a broken one, especially outside here in the wasteland."

"Ah, yes Commandant. I'll be careful next time." She saluted then began skipping back to the truck.

The Commandant then forcefully grabbed my scarf a little to the side, sighing when she noticed the usual collar wasn't there. Her watch is only able to detect any signals from me because I'm her partner, but it's different in a normal device. There's no way they'll be able to actually track any life signals from me—not without that collar anyway.

"What's wrong?" Commandant Yeone asked when we returned to the truck, noticing the obvious rift between the Commandant and me.

"Elirah forgot her collar." The Commandant honestly told her with pure disappointment in her voice.

"Forgot? It's Elirah we're talking about, you know. There's no way she'd forget." Commandant Yeona put her hands over hips, looking at me with an searching gaze. "You refused to wear it, did you?"

Again, I looked away. "I apologize."

"You know how troublesome it is when you're not wearing that, Elirah." My Commandant reprimanded. "You're not exactly someone in the position to have an option whether to wear it or not when going out of the dorm."

"I apologize Commandant."

"What I need is your explanation, Alter." She even called me by my title this time, a sign she's really angry. "I've been lenient about you, but I hope you don't forget you're in still in probation. Because unlike other Alters, you're not exactly ali—"

"Yvainne." Commandant Yeona warned, even going as far as mentioning my Commandant's real name. "We're going. You can discuss this yourselves later."

"I'm disappointed, Alter Elirah." She told me, and I didn't really want to meet her gaze that I was looking down the entire time, her shoulder bumping into mine as she walked past me.

"Sit with me, Elirah." Commandant Yeona told me, opening the door to front seat of the truck.

"Can't be helped then." Alter Zielle sighed, actually been listening. She went out fromt the driver's seat and went to the back of the truck to sit with the others.

The truck soon moved forward with me who ended up driving, following the usual road sentinels use to get to our exact destination. The silence wasn't awkward, I prefer this actually. The earlier ordeal reminded me that no matter what I do, I always am and always will be somebody who's different from others. I do not belong with these people, no matter how much I seem to be. It wasn't that I was trying to belong anyway, I was alright with everything as long as I get to protect the Commandant.

Protecting the Commandant has become my reason for existing, the reason I'm still here by her side. But sometimes, that reason of my existence causes her troubles especially because I'm different that she's wary. After all, there's always a possibility I might hurt people around me when we're in a Nexus mode. Only she can control and link to my MIND but even so, if something goes wrong, the link might get cut off that would result me losing control.

That collar serves as a security purpose to neutralize me if something goes wrong, also that it masks my real identity so I could be passed as a "human" whenever there's a detection around. For me, that collar is a burden because not only it actually hinders me from drawing out my real power in order to fully protect the Commandant, it also sends out these weird statics that would always electrocute me as a warning that I'm doing too much even though I haven't even drawn half of my power.

In other words, that collar serves as a limiter for me because humans don't have enough trust to apparently leave someone important and strong like Commandant with a dangerous being like me. If I think about it that way, I can't help but feel like my chest is being drowned and it hurts—the fact that Commandant could still not trust me hurts.

I really don't understand the Commandant. She tells me my loyalty is distasteful yet she doesn't actually believe that loyalty at all. It's not that I'll ever hurt the Commandant...but I wonder if that's why she's always so wary of me whenever we're in a battle. I sighed, grabbing the collar from the inside pocket of my overcost and attaching it around my neck. I slightly flinched when I felt that familiar static biting my nerves, but I soon got used to it.

"I thought you forgot it back at your dorm?"

"Commandant thought wrong."

"Elirah," Commandant Yeona called, leaning her back comfortably behind her soft leathered seat. "Believe me when I say she trusts you."

I glanced at her for a moment, before looking back to the road with a bitter smile. "How do you always know what I'm thinking about, Commandant Yeona?"

"Because you're not being adorable when you're thinking about depressing things."

"That is hardly an explanation."

"Human emotions are... complicated, Elirah. We don't always need words to communicate."

"I beg to differ. Humans coexist through communication base on words and understanding. However," I tightened my grip around the steering wheel. "... Commandant's words often do not match the look in her eyes. She is very confusing."

"True. That woman is a bit of a...jaded person since she's young."

"You told me in the past to learn how to understand the Commandant. But every time I think I finally do, she always do and say things that would bring me back to the starting line again."

"Is it tiring?"

"No. It's just that...it feels oddly lonely when Commandant is disappointed in me. She would often look at me with those cold eyes when she's disappointed or angry. It's as though...she hates me—and I feel like I can't breathe at the thought of my Commandant hating me."

"... you're in too deep, I see." Commandant Yeona signed, gently patting my head as though she was reassuring me. "It must be because you're really smart that you're always overthinking about things but... don't be too hard on yourself."

"Too hard on myself?"

"It means you shouldn't overly think about the things that would make you feel difficulties, things that would make you sad, make you feel burdened, frustrated—because the more you do, the more you'll get tired."

"I don't think so."

"Don't think what?"

"I won't ever get tired when it's about the Commandant."

"That is exactly what I'm worried about. You see, Elirah, you're...the kind that would always readily give yourself to the other person. It's not a bad thing, but it's not exactly a good one either. No matter who it is, make sure you save for yourself too."

"I don't... really understand, Commandant Yeona."

"You'll get there, you'll get there." She chuckled. "But don't lose hope in that Commandant of yours, Elirah. She trusts you more than you'd ever know, you can at least trust her best friend's words on that, can't you?"

"... I'll try." I nodded. "But even if she doesn't trust me, I'm still going to be on her side until the day comes I'm certain she would no longer need my existence."

"Why do you sound sad with that declaration?"

"...I don't know."

Just the thought of my Commandant no longer needing me is—it feels like my core being reaped—no, perhaps it's not the core that hurts right now. After all, cores do not hurt... one wouldn't even feel any kind of pain from it. It's probably my heart.

"Stop the truck." Said a voice coming from the intercom, which I immediately did.

"What's that woman's deal this time? Your Commandant is being weird again."

Few minutes later, Commandant opened the door over Commandant's Yeona's side, dragging her blonde friend out.

"Hey! Careful, I'm fragile!" Commandant Yeona complained pouting as she watched my Commandant sit beside me.

"Go inside or we'll leave."

"Psh. You better thank me for this, Alestra." She shut the door, going inside where the others are.

Seeing Commandant Yeona enter the truck from the back through the footage, I started the engine once again and continued on our way. This time's silence was awkward, something I don't really like, something different from our usual silence. This one was the kind that would feel like everything would explode at some point while I'm just here awaiting for that to happen.

"Elirah." She finally called out. "About earlier—"

"I apologize, Commandant Alestrandra." I genuinely said. "I know you do not need my apologies but, if the collar is the only way for you to trust me, I will make sure to wear it from now on."

"Is that really what you think?" She asked leaning herself closer to my side, making me gulp.

"Y-yes." Somehow, I stuttered my word nervously there.

"Zielle said I might not be expressing my thoughts and feelings across, it seems she is right."

"I...do not know what the Commandant means."

"I know, it's very strange."

I think you are the one being very strange here, Commandant—is what I would like to say, but instead said nothing and simply nodded. Suddenly, I felt her cold fingers touching my neck and shivered. It's very strange, I normally don't react to temperatures but her touch today is strange—very strange.

"I'm sorry I always make you wear this." She was referring to the collar, it took me a few moments to understand that.

"No, it's necessary."

"Are you denying my apology?" She scooted even closer, since the seats are connected which made it even easier for her.

"N-no, Commandant, of course not."

"That's what I thought. As your apology," she grabbed my other hand, holding it tightly. "—you must hold my hand."

Aren't you the one who just apologized though?

"Who exactly is doing the holding?" I whispered even more softly with my voice, feeling warmth spreading across my face.

"Did you say something?"

"N-nothing at all..."

"I like it."

"Eh?"

"Your hand." She began playing with my fingers. "I like it." She repeated.

"Thank you...?"

"Why is it a question?"

"I mean, thank you, Commandant."

"Hmm." She accepted. "From now on, you must please me with something I like when you've done something wrong."

"I...of course, Commandant."

Although I really do not understand what you meant by that.

"As for my apology," she put her head on my shoulder, leaning her body on me. "I'll rest like this for the rest of the trip."

"Your apology?"

Does that mean I would have to make sure not to move for the rest of the hour? Why do I feel like I'm being punished instead—no! This is an honour. Commandant isn't the kind that would lean over others like this, so this certainly her way of apologizing. Though she didn't really have to... rather, she doesn't even have to lean on my shoulder at all!

"Is this a problem?" She asked, her breath tingling my ear, my face turning even redder this time as seen by the mirror on the dashboard.

"No, definitely not, Commandant." I replied softly, trying not to get affected by her cool breath hitting my neck and her fingers playing with my hand that's making me feel oddly happy!

"Good. Now keep on driving."

For some reason, my commandant is even more very strange now.