Nightmares and overthinking

You know... I don't sleep. I feel like I am missing something. JJ is in love with me, but won't ever tell me. He said he keeps things like that to himself, because he's tired of people using him. He's had so many toxic people in his life that he's taking a break from feeling anything.

The small details add up, his heart rate increases upon my presence, his pupils dilate, he's interested in what I have to say. It makes sense. Then again, he's never going to tell me.

Now that I think about it I don't feel anything romantic towards him so I'm not going to mention that to him either.

Also, if anything was to be said, he has fallen in love with the false version of me, and I know for a fact that he would leave me if I was to tell him who I really am. I'm not all sunshine rainbows and positivity, I don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to feel.

***

I stare at the ceiling while laying on my bed, a mess of emotions. I feel empty, I feel lost. I don't know what I'm doing here. Nothing has gone my way in a long long time. I feel like it's about to change.

I smell rain in the air as the sun goes down on this god forsaken city.