• Those Sad Smiles

I went home with a heavy heart. I immediately went to my room and lay down myself. I can't understand myself right now after I heard what Aunt Gisselle just told me. Is James already in America?

And he didn't inform me. I was shocked as I heard that. I kinda feel disappointed and confused at the same time. I don't know the reason to why he left. He just told me that he will back to America but I did not expect that it will this early.

As far as I know, we're in good terms. We did not meet for four or more days and during those days, he didn't show up. Not that I miss him, it's just that, I'm used to always seeing him.

I feel sad that I will not meet him again, maybe. America is too far away. Eventhough there's social media to where I can use to communicate with him, it's still different when I talk to him personally.

Surprisingly, he did not say that he would leave suddenly without saying goodbye. I thought he would considered me as one of his friends. And I thought, he'll tell me what's right with him. He even like to be my best friend.

Why didn't I notice that sad smile? I did not immediately notice that there was something strange there. I just felt alone again. I used to be with him even for that short time. I will miss his accent whenever he talks. And those smirks and smiles of his, and most especially those blue eyes.

I just sighed. Maybe he really needs to be back to his home. He has responsibilities there and he also needs to manage their companies. I will just stick to that reason for now. I'm not sure though. I really need to hear an explanation from him.

This also happened when Cheska also left without saying goodbye. She left too without telling her reasons to us. They also left because their family needs them. They're also both in America right now.

I felt an unidentified feeling inside. What if they'll meet? Then they'll fa— No, no... I shrugged that thought. They are my friends. If ever James will go home again, I am still his friend, so as Cheska.

Today is also the day Aunt returns home to their province. I just hope she has a safe trip. Before she left, I said I would visit them when Dad allowed me. He kinda more strict compare before.

I'm kinda pissed to what my father did to my Grandma Flores. He shouldn't have done that. He knew that I really love my grandmother as she's my second family and the one that took good care of me.

All the reasons and positive things I said about dad vanished. My treatment on him returned to normal. The positive side I see in him waa gone and I still believe he is kind. But not.

He is not my thoughtful father and the father that will let me feel the freedom that I want. He's still cold and manipulative, so as mom. He always thought about business and he's doing it to my grandma again as he manipulated and instructed her to go far and never see me again so that I will never go back to my old life.

I heard my door creak as it opens. I look at it and saw my mother entering the room. She has those gloomy aura on her face as she walks towards my bed. I immediately sit up and smiled to her. She sat on the side of my bed.

" How are you, Jane?" she asked. Her lab gown was on her right arm. I saw her smiled a bit that I never seen again. It's quite some time since I last saw those smiles of her.

"I'm fine, mom," I mumbled. "You just came home?"

"Yeah," she simply said.

I did not speak immediately. I did not know what to say next to her. It feels so awkward now. I never expected her to come here late at night just to ask me how I'm feeling.

I just looked away. I can't express what I'm feeling right now. I feel distant to her just because of her treatment. I feel annoyed of her. I still need to distant myself to her. But why couldn't I do that now?

Why even though I was annoyed with her a few times, I still wanted her to notice me? That I wasn't unwanted in this family? Why is that? And now that she's asking how I feel right now, I just want to outburst what I feel to my mother. I can not take it anymore.

"M-mom," I called her. She look at me, gone the strict aura she always have. It was replaced by worried emotion.

"Why are you crying, Jane?" She immediately approached and immediately wiped away my tears. That made me cry even harder. I miss her. I really miss my mom.

She hugged me instead. I cried my heart out, not giving any explanation to why I am crying. I just cried as he put me to bed.

This is my mother whom I need. Not the one who's strict. She still cares for me after years that I'm away.

"I'm sorry, Jane." she said. "I'm really sorry."

I let go of her embrace. I smiled slightly.

"It's okay, mom. I miss you. "

"I miss you too," she replied. " Why are you crying?"

"Nothing, mom. I just didn't expect that you'll come here and asked me that question. "

It was unexpected. She nodded and met my gaze. I could see the pity in his eyes that I did not want to see. Not that pity again.

"Jane, I have something to tell you."

I looked at her, slightly confused. I wiped away the tears before listening to her. She still has that authority as you look on how she dress and manage herself. Eventhough she's late 40s, she still looks young.

"We'll move to Manila after three months."

"Why?" I asked, slightly confused.

"You knew that this isn't our main. It's just one of our properties. " I nodded.

We lives in Manila and our main house was located there. The last time I went there was almost years ago, before I went away to be with my grandma. It was vacation and we were in Davao that time. I ran away from this house when I found out that we would return to Manila again.

I was lost here when suddenly I bumped into a lady, it was Tita Gisselle. She was then accompanied by Grandma Flores, who used to serve us. They were going to check-up that time when they saw me. Aunt Gisselle was about to take me to the DSWD when Grandma stopped her.

They took me and always asked me when will I go home. Grandma knows how I feel when I am with my family. He was the only one who saw me crying all the time when I was a child. They never intended to tell it to my father, or that was I expected.

My father knew where I was for the past years. He just didn't bother me.

"I know mom." I sighed after.

I felt mommy stand up. I just looked at hwe.

" Well then, take a rest now." I just nodded. She went out of my room. The moment she's gone, I burst my tears again.

I can't understand myself now. I am being fragile again. Simple words were enough to crush me. I can feel mixed emotions now. I don't know if I will feel joy, sad, or grimace.

I want to be glad that my mother asked if I am okay. It was a simple question yet I can feel like my heart was caressed by those words. It feels good.

But at the same time, I feel sad that I will be back again to my our house. Our main wherein I suffered the most.

I don't want to go back. Can I just live here instead? Just want to be with my friends and loved ones who I consider my family. I can't decide.

I just lay down and finally fell asleep crying. Just want to forget things.