50th Dawn - Dig Deeper, Aim Higher

In that cold gray afternoon, ominous dark clouds slowly covering the sky, Alexander and I just continue exchanging looks.

"So you're really making fun of me?" he blurted out incredulously.

"What I mean is that, we're fellow newbies in a way that we're both still learning to stand on our own feet. I was looking for an apprenticeship for five months. The one I have in Freya is my very first," I confessed, much to his surprise.

"Five months? One more and you'll have to wait for next year since all workshops will be halfway done by then."

"I'm aware, but I just couldn't find an apprenticeship that suits me. I haven't even found my passion that time."

At that, Alexander eyes the pile of sketches on the table before asking me questions about them, which makes me contemplate for a second. I'm not sure what gets me running my mouth to someone I barely know, but for some reason, I just feel comfortable telling my story to him. After almost losing my portfolio, I may just also be feeling sensitive and vulnerable at the moment.

He doesn't seem to be judging me, though. Unlike the Baron, he also doesn't have this intimidating air that keeps my mouth shut despite wanting to gush about my experiences. I somehow relate to him either.

"To be honest, I've been called eccentric throughout my childhood. That's why I understand your resolve to divert from what is standard and expected. I also can't make fun of you for what happened since I've been pressured like that either," I continued, recalling the time when Alessandra humiliated him in front of everyone.

"You know, you're exactly just like that portrait of you..." Alexander suddenly trailed off before giving way for a short pause, scrutinizing me all the while.

"That deviant picture of a girl in flats became controversial, and I had expected it. What I didn't see coming is the muse's nonconformist way of thinking."

I only return an appalled expression at this. I may just have gotten the wrong idea that he's calling me rebellious or something, but his choice of words is still a bit misleading.

Alexander then brought up how he always wanted to break free from his family's shadows and asked me not to compare what I've been through to his own experience, though he didn't mean to underestimate it when he said that. He remarked how his reasons are deeper than what I initially take them for. Then, as he suddenly breaks out into a jabber about overthrowing the stereotype and changing-the-society nonsense, I only zip my mouth despite how baffled I am.

"How about you, then? Did you ever desire revolution?" he questioned all of the sudden, eyes fiery and passionate, flummoxing me even more.

True to my guess, he's seeing me like some kind of a rebel. Now, I regret sympathizing.

"S-Sorry, but I don't really want to be a guerrilla or anything..."

"Idiot!"

Alexander then abruptly stands and slams his hands on the table, catching the other customers' attention. Taken aback, I only gawk at him as if he just grew two heads. As he continues peering down at me, eyes half-lidded and glazed with searing emotions, thunder roars and lightning strikes, giving his outburst a dramatic effect all the while.

"What I'm saying is your vision! Sure, you want to be a designer but why exactly? To make clothes? To earn money? To do a job that fits your hobby? All of those are nothing but mundane!" he exclaimed exasperatedly, making my hair stand on end.

"W-What exactly do you mean?" I stammered out, bewildered.

"You think we're the same, don't you? I'm sorry to tell but we're not. I sacrificed everything for fashion - my family, my friends, my title, everything! And that's all because I want to aim higher!"

I wonder how everything escalated this quickly.

But then, his words sink in to me faster than I expected. I now get his point that we're alike, yet different. I only want to find and do my passion, but this guy is actually thinking ahead of that. I even have a hard time making clothes while he's now at the point of planning to make a change. I'm worried for my present, but his mind's already set in the future. Indeed, we're not that similar as I thought we were.

"I see..." I trailed off as an ancient realization dawned on me.

Passion shouldn't be ambiguous and fleeting, indeed, and I believe that Alexander's simply passionate enough to envision something big like a revolution.

"I think I get it... However, what I just want is to make people happy with what I create, and I'm glad enough that I can finally do that by being an apprentice in Freya. I'm already satisfied with that, Sir."

At this, Alexander slowly slumps, looking utterly disappointed. I recoil at his dampened spirit in surprise and shame, thinking that I probably didn't meet his expectations after all. What I said is true, though. I'm only eccentric, but I'm not being like that on purpose. Though I already accepted that I could never erase that part of me, I also didn't mean to make people think that I'm intentionally causing a racket or controversy.

Stifling silence prevails in our midst for a while. Alexander just keeps staring at me enigmatically while I only evade his gaze.

"I thought for sure that you're different. I saw potential in your drawings and designs. I also sensed you've got quite a character. I thought you chose not to be a crowd follower out of your own volition... But it turns out you're just weird by nature."

My eyes widened at this, not because of how disenchanted he looks or how dismay he sounds. At that moment, I feel like I've been seen like some kind of a freak or an alien. I don't know how much he had put me on a pedestal, but still, that's going too far.

"Like someone who's so good at acting but doesn't want to be an actor after all, or someone who've been practicing the piano but chose not to play in the end... It's more than a waste of time..." Alexander trailed off before making his way to the exit.

Confounded, I abruptly stand and open my mouth, but no retort comes out. He then swivels around again and drops his last words, expression aloof.

"...It's oddly incongruous."

Then as he finally leaves, I only remain still, astonished.