54th Dawn - From Proposal to Passion

Though I find this whole confession an eye-opening experience for me, I still remain in the dark about one thing.

"Sir Alexander... Why are you saying all of these to me?" I finally questioned after a momentary pause, making him swivel around to face me again.

With that, we engage in a mini staring contest. Alexander looks deep in thought while I only return a quizzical expression. That's until he snatches both my hands all of the sudden and pulls me towards him, making me stand on my feet. He then peers at me with burning fervor, overzealous emerald irises sparkling with zest.

"I want you to choose me."

At this, I only jolt in flummox.

The abruptness of his actions today is certainly dumbfounding, but this sudden declaration in particular is taking the whole cake. Bewildered, I can't seem to find a proper response for this. I also feel like he's only goofing around me despite his intent gaze. As seconds tick by, I finally decided to just muster a straight face in reply.

"I thought I'm oddly incongruous. Why are you proposing now?" I deadpanned, unamused.

"I'm not! What I mean is... I want your body?"

Then, I snap and smack him on the face.

He's definitely toying with me. Such advances won't work with me, though.

If anything, it's only peeving me more.

It's a shame that I got really absorbed in his story earlier, but now, he just has to ruin it and turn into this outrageous imbecile. Miffed, I then find myself wanting to end this farce.

Alexander is wincing in pain as I swerve around to leave, but then he suddenly grabs me again, making me halt on my tracks.

"I'm sorry! I got too excited. What I really want to say is, I'd like you to join me, and by body, what I mean is labor! Choose me as your instructor and work for me..." he trailed off, catching me off guard.

"...Freya's work environment isn't good for you. That level of competition will only drain you. I'm not saying this just to bad-mouth them, though. This is also the reason why I came to see you today. I couldn't seem to forget your sketches and I can't help but want you no matter what! You may not share the same vision as I am, but at the very least, let me guide you!"

At his outburst, tons of realizations dawn on me.

When Alexander said how unhealthy that kind of workplace is, I'm surprised that I find myself agreeing almost instantly. I was actually bottling those feelings up for a while now. I was afraid I had to go back to square one if I ever accept that fact and eventually give in to pressure. However, after the incident this afternoon, I realize that what I'm truly holding back is anger all along.

Angry for still not being able to do what I want even though I'm already at the place I've always longed for.

"Listen, don't think about the past, present or future for now. Think about yourself..." Alexander continued before steeling his gaze at me, both hands gripping my shoulders.

"...With me, you can be weird all you want."

Confounded, all I manage to give is a nod. This time, however, I'm sure what he truly means by that.

For the next hours to come, I stay in that park even after Alexander left, still drowning in an ocean of thoughts. I feel perplexed, yet enlightened at the same time. Mulling over how I really feel at the moment is easy, but coming up with decisions on how to deal with it is difficult. I keep weighing my options, pondering the best course of actions, and thinking about my truest wishes.

That's until I remember Lewis's words to me on our first meeting.

"You know, Lillian, you don't have to compare yourself with others like that... You're feeling pressured because everybody else was already moving forward while you're still stagnant, aren't you?"

What follows this is my dream about Mother before.

"The search for oneself doesn't stop with only one starting point, Lily. It has endless beginnings. What truly matters is how you'll face tomorrow again."

After that, I recall Madeline and Ruben's smiling faces and supportive attitude. The time when Felicity told me to see the world for myself also flashed through my mind. Then, there was Sol's speech to me on our first encounter at the plaza. It's the very first time I hear about this undying word called "passion".

"…What I mean is, just do your best to find the right place for you, and if people were to criticize you or turn you down, check whether your passion had died down. If it's short-lived, then maybe it's time to focus on other things. If not, just try again."

And that's what I did.

I reminisce about those moments I created my designs and how people reacted to them. Their delightful expressions remain vivid and fresh in my memory. Even though others were revolted upon laying eyes on my peculiar sketches for the first time, the fact that there were still people who feel happy about them definitely makes up for it. It's all worth it in the end. After all, there's always two sides to a coin and the world isn't perfect. What's important is that I had fun all the while and I still felt like doing it all over again.

With this, I suddenly remember Alexander's outburst yesterday.

"But a revolution, he said... How can such designs change anything?" I mused out loud.

Then again, that's why it's called a vision. It still hasn't happened yet. No one's sure if it's going to work out. However, as long as there's that vision, it's not entirely impossible.

"Then, he also told me I can be weird all I want... In reality, he's the weird one..."

I can't deny I'm interested, though. He's also right about that toxic environment. It's true that I'm angry because I can't do what I want. This is not about pride or the firmness to hold one's ground anymore. It's not even about emerging victorious in this competition to begin with. That's because in the end, the fiercest enemy that I have to face is myself.

After processing all these thoughts, I find a faint thread of hope that I can hold onto. I already said that I'm not going to run away anymore, and this time, I finally understand what exactly it is that I should no longer escape from. I'm not going to hide from this battle that Tristan told me about or the war that Alessandra waged, and in order to do that, I should stop running away from myself starting this point onwards.

"That's right. Let's just face the fact that I really am weird."