F x Leap

Chapter II: F x Leap

"I'm home."

"Tomorrow's your last day right?"

"Ah yes. We actually finished everything that we were supposed to do so we are celebrating a party tomorrow."

"Oh, that's really good. I actually planned on baking some pie for you to share with them. If it's a party then it will surely fit the occasion."

"Wow really, nice. I haven't tasted your pies in a while."

"Don't worry I'll make a lot, and I'll make some for tonight's dinner as well. Your father also loves them after all."

"Yes."

Pies, parties, and a new friend. I never did know that I was capable of achieving such feats in just a couple of days. If I were to describe my situation from my own perspective, these days before Christmas are perfect.

December 22, the 3rd and last day of my going to school this winter break. We are all supposed to meet in an open room on the 1st floor that is used for dancing practices. It was a wide room that was a perfect spot to hold a party. It was small enough to cater to a classroom size group and big enough for everyone to be comfortable inside.

I went inside and there were a lot of people. The faculty staff, the student council members and the cleaners, the canteen staff, and of course, me and Rea.

"I've brought some pies."

"Wow, where did you get these."

"My mother baked them for us, she said it was a thank you for all of you."

"You really have a nice mother."

"Well, I guess."

"Come here Ryu, let's dance."

The president invited me and so I danced with him. Although my skills at dancing aren't that good, I just went with it.

While we were dancing I noticed that Rea wasn't there yet so I asked Kuki about her.

"By the way, where is Rea?"

"Oh, she said to me through the phone that she will visit her mother first in the hospital before going here. Maybe it's to address to her that she had met a new friend."

"Oh okay."

I had a very bad feeling in my chest. I don't know why but, I just know it.

The party was going on and on.

Hours passed by but, she never did appear.

I asked Kuki again but, she can't give a reply. Kuki tried contacting her through her phone but, she didn't answer.

I just know it, something bad happened.

Whenever things go south in a movie, there's always something bad that happened.

"I'm sorry but, I will go out and find Rea." I said to Kuki.

"Okay, I will try to contact her again and update you if she responds. Here's her number and my number. Call me back when you get a hold of her."

I looked everywhere and anywhere but I can't find her.

Running, running, I kept running in hopes that I find her. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't find her.

I was getting this weird feeling in my head.

This sick feeling in my stomach and head, and this unimaginable pain in my chest.

I don't want to feel this anymore.

When I was a kid, something like this had happened before. Our pet dog didn't come back after eating his meal. I kept looking for him. I looked for the entire neighborhood but, I didn't find him. I went with my dad in the car to go look for him. We drove the whole town but because we had no lead, we couldn't find him. Until when we were about to go home. We saw something near the river that looked like him. We went close to it but, it was too late. Apparently, he died from a car hitting his head. We knew because there were tire marks on his head. The body was floating in the river. My father swam in it and recovered his body. We went back home and buried him.

If this was the same case, I don't even know how I'm going to react to it.

Losing one's mind is also a way to live.

He did everything to find her.

Look at every place possible…

Remember all the things you've talked about and get some clues to where she might be…

They did talk much but, all of their talks were about school stuff and some random jokes. They never did actually open up to each other regarding things that matter.

An hour passed, and another one.

He was losing himself. He didn't know what to do and where to find her.

He rested for a while on a bench and started thinking deeply.

This world, why does it push someone so much to the point of no return. Why do we struggle to live? I don't know why but, isn't living supposed to be fun. Are all these things just going to waste? I can't even find meaning in living and yet it is dragging someone else into the pit as if he owns the place!

What the HELL!!!

He screams his lungs out. It was his first time accepting a responsibility that he thought would be a great opportunity for him to also develop a more consistent form of a self but, no. it seems that the world really wanted him to have the worst possible view of what living is.

Torture, pain, suffering. All of this can be viewed as good or bad but, every person is different. No matter how the strong view this as something good, it is unavoidable for some to view it as something bad.

If a happy person would be introduced to the same level of suffering, the same level of environment, the same level of upbringing, and the same level of consciousness as a person who suffers from depression, I'm pretty sure that you won't be able to judge their reasoning.

If we were only capable of understanding the pain of a killer, a terrorist, or a drug addict, I'm pretty sure you will feel the same. They could've done it better? They could've chosen a better choice? That's insane. When given unclear solutions, even the sanest person would have a deluded answer.

He finally found her. After so much trial and error and constant questioning of Kuki on where she was, he finally found her. He didn't think of what to say or what to do. He didn't have a plan but, he knew that the only way to talk to her was to put trust in his words and make it work no matter what.

"Hey, Rea. What are you doing? I thought I'd never find you. To be honest I've searched for the whole town to find you. Come on, let's go back to the party, everybody's waiting."

"Ryu, you asked me before right? How someone can be true to oneself and if I am true to myself. I think you already know what my answer is."

"I've already known it since yesterday when you told me your answer. I'm already very tired so come on, let's go back."

The wind blew in hard. It was a gloomy atmosphere for an afternoon. The sun was about to set and the cold night was about to come.

"I'm tired. Very tired. Why do I have to feel this way?"

The girl cried, cried, and cried. The boy was kept silent, he couldn't move from his place. One wrong move from him and it'll all be over. He knew that pain as strong as that one can only be felt by someone who is experiencing it. No matter how emphatic someone can be, he will never be able to fully understand something that didn't come from him.

They say that the world isn't the problem and that we ourselves are the real cause of our pain. If that was true, then why do we suffer so much from things that we didn't cause? Is it because we accept the reality of duality? Isn't it more reasonable to blame the world instead of ourselves?

But, no matter how much we blame this world, even though it gives us the comfort to be at ease, we will never be satisfied.

"I know you're tired but, can you still keep going? Not for others' sake but, for yourself. If that isn't enough, I'll be by your side to share your pain."

This is the only thing I can do to help. I have nothing to give and nothing too strong to persuade her. Offering myself as a sacrifice for her to continue living is the best I could offer.

"I asked you before, what is your end goal. You said I'll leave that to your imagination. To be honest, I can't even imagine what mine is, and I already asked the question to someone else. Again, I'm depending on my answer from someone else. I don't even know what my purpose to live is."

Just like me. No purpose and no meaning. That's why I'm searching and kept on observing, asking, and even experiencing something new.

"It's okay if you still don't know what you are living for. Everybody has a point in their life in which they don't know their purpose."

"But, I already found mine. I found it, and it just suddenly vanished. I do not understand the reason why this world keeps doing these kinds of things. Why does everything just go wrong?"

"It's okay. I can assure you that you will be okay. I'll come close to you, okay."

"No, don't come close!"

"Didn't you tell me last time that I just need to put trust into something, even if it's just a temporary support, it can help me be true to myself."

"But no matter how good things will turn out in the future, the fact remains. I'm still shallow and I can't find the reason to live."

"That's exactly why I'm here! Stop blaming the world for your pain and suffering. You asked me before if I will save you, right? I will do exactly that, right now! I will save you and you will become happy in the future. I promise you! So please, accept everything."

"I didn't think that it will actually happen to be honest. You like me, do you?"

"Yes, and I think there's nothing wrong with that. So please let's go back. Okay?"

"I guess I'm glad that you're putting your trust in your words. I said before that I don't think that anyone can be true to themselves, right?"

"Yes."

"Well, now I think, at this exact moment, I want to be true to myself."

The girl jumped and took the leap.

December 23rd, Rea's birthday. This was the day that the party was held and a surprise party supposedly for her birthday.

This was also the day that her mother died. Kuki received a late call from the hospital afterward about what happened.

Rea didn't come to the party and they couldn't find her anywhere. After hours of searching and asking, Ryu got a call from Kuki about what happened to Rea's mother. This was also the reason on how Ryu found her.

She was on the side of a bridge.

It was where her parents had a car accident, on exactly the same date 6 years ago.

And at that exact place and exact date, this day, that girl took the leap. She took the leap and…She killed herself.

December 24. The evening before Christmas.

"Ryu, are you sure you don't want to eat your dinner?"

…

"Okay. I'll just leave the leftovers in the fridge, just reheat them later when you feel hungry."

Again, and again, and again. He kept thinking of what had happened. If only he approached her differently, if only he reacted more composed under the pressure if only he did a better job at finding her faster, if only he talked to her more, if only… things would have been just fine.

The night during the accident, he felt an emptiness in his chest. He was frozen and couldn't move after seeing her jump. The bridge was really high and the water was very deep. That bridge was connected to a different island near their town.

Earlier in the morning, they found her body being washed away by the current.

Since that night, after the accident, he closed himself inside his room until when Christmas came. Being true to oneself. Is killing yourself your form of being true to yourself?

"I just learned that it was your birthday, god damn it!"

I thought you wanted me to save you, then why did you kill yourself?

"I don't understand! I don't understand one thing!"

No matter how much you converse with someone, you can never truly understand them. Everybody has a side to themselves that they can only portray specifically to every one of us. A person's façade will always prevail when he is in front of someone else other than himself. Even if you try your very best to understand someone, you can never replicate what they feel. You may try but, it will never become genuine.

Even if it was impossible to truly understand, we still need to try and do our best to do so. We can't help it, it's inborn and is greatly linked to our quest for meaning.

How ironic can life be? Life is what we have when we live but, life is also the reason why we struggle to cease.

"Happy Birthday. I didn't even have the opportunity to say that to her."

December 25. Christmas, the morning of that day.

The day that most people await.

For the whole day yesterday, he didn't eat, so he was hungry. He went to the kitchen to get something to eat.

"Oh, glad you already decided to come out. We still have some pies that were left from yesterday's dinner, let me reheat it so you can eat."

As always, his mother was still the same and didn't feel at unease at all. He knew that she wasn't bringing out the topic for it will surely make it worse for him when they talk about it. His mother is as considerate as ever.

"I'll be going now honey, got to go out with the boys while it's still early, hehehe. Also, Ryu, I got you some clothes last time when I went shopping with your mom, go try them on. I'll be back before after lunch."

"Take care, be sure to not get drunk, okay."

"Hehehe, I won't!"

Just like his mother, his father was also unfazed by everything. He was also careful not to make a wrong move and not worsen the pain he feels. His father left the house and he sat on the sofa and opened the TV.

"Here are yesterday's recap news, a body was found on the bridge near the town…"

"I think you don't need to watch some TV. Here are the pies, they are ready, let's eat."

His mother turned the TV off and prepared the pies on the dining table. They both sat down and ate. As Ryu was eating the pies, feelings of nostalgia for the party flowed into him, and tears ran out of his eyes.

"Uhm, why don't you go out for a while and get some fresh air. I also have things I need to make the cake later so can you buy me the ingredients that I need?"

I guess I really need a breather. Although it was just fresh from my memory, I need to move on and accept things. The faster I start to accept the things that happened, the faster my recovery will be. We all know that but, even though we know what is good for us, we tend to sway from it. It's like there's a part of us telling us that the pain is essential for something.

It's hard, enduring pain is hard.

"Okay, I'll go out."

He got the list that he needed to buy for the cake and headed first to the park near their school."Daddy, let's play over there."

"Mommy, I want to feed the birds."

"Mama, I scratched my foot. HUE HUE HUE."

"Let me see, there there, don't cry."

"What do you want to eat next? Let's try the parfait from the pastry shop near this park."

"BARK BARK BARK."

"MEOW MEOW MEOW."

There were a lot of people, including their pets, which were in the park that early morning. Maybe it was their routine but it was a weekend so he guessed that it was natural. He sat on a benched and just quietly rested.

As he was resting, someone came to him.

"Ryu, may I sit next to you."

He didn't notice him. The person who came to him always walks in this park when he has free time to do so. The earlier the better. He loves to bond with nature and the things that surrounded him. He was a nice guy with a gloomy persona. Yes, it was the secretary of the student council, Atchee.

"Guess I'll take your silence as a yes."

He sat next to Ryu.

"Ryu, what do you think of this park?"

…

"It's pretty beautiful. It's filled with a lot of memories from different people. You can't ask more for a place than having it be filled with emotion."

He wanted to just shut up but at the same time, he wanted to answer the secretary's question. He had rested for a while and observed the park for quite some time. He saw a lot of happy faces and a lot of people with different kinds of emotions. It sure was a pleasant sight to see in the morning.

"This park, I come here all the time. I've met and talked to various people, played with their pets, and even witnessed a proposal in this park. Just for myself, this park was filled with a lot of memories. Memories that will soon fade and be replaced with new ones."

…"I don't want to forget her."

"I know, I don't either. I've finally met two new friends, they're both my junior and one had to pass away. It really is sad to part ways. I know a time will come when we will forget things but, you know what?"

"What?"

"Even if memories fade, the genuine feeling you felt at that moment will stay forever. You might even forget it's there but, you should understand that that feeling will help you fuel your will to live. I'm not telling you to live for both your sake. I'm telling you to live for your own sake with twice the intensity!"

Atchee said that as if he changed into a different person. He smiled at me right after. He said he still had some things to do so he went ahead.

"Well, I'll be going now. Take care, okay. I'll make some cookies for you and the others once winter break ends. Let's meet each other again at school. Also, get a hold of yourself, Ryu. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you too."

He then left. I continued to stay in the park to think more about everything.

"Genuine feeling… he said. I don't want to feel this."

I still don't understand. Why did she do that? I really don't know anything about her. I want to see her again.

Hey self, are you there? If you are then please tell me, what I should do now.

Well, what do you want?

It's not my fault that she died. It's totally my fault that she died. It's your fault. It's not. Yes, it is! No, it's your fault. Who's the one who failed to talk her out of it? Who's the one who messed it all up? It's totally your fault. No, it's not! Again, and again, and again.

The part of us that is always twisted. Something that is in constant chaos within. No matter how much you tame it, it always runs wild when you least need it to be. The devil inside. A monster capable of destroying oneself. The only true being of horrors that devours one's sanity. The complex unit that can process simultaneous things and jumbles your thoughts. The only thing that is considered to be the jewel of few, the teacher of some, and the downfall of many. A man's conscience.

He kept torturing his own mind. The pain brought by his own belief.

…

It finally stopped and he was reverted to his normal state. He remembered that he was supposed to buy some ingredients to make a cake so he went to buy them.

"Where is the flour?"

Even though he always buys in this store, at that moment, he can't even think straight to find where are the ingredients that he needed to buy.

"Ru, Ryu? It is you. What are you doing here?"

A familiar voice from someone he had heard a lot when he was at school this winter break. It was the voice of someone who was always cheerful and bright all around. It was the vice president, Kuruki Kuki. Even though she was always cheerful and bright, at that time, you can easily tell that by looking at her, she isn't her usual self.

"Wha, why are you here Ryu, nice to see you and what, are you okay? Want to sit down a bit after you are done buying the things you need to buy?"

Just one look and she knew exactly how I felt. I didn't even need to explain or talk, it was clear from my physical expression. I bought the things that I needed to buy with Kuki's help. We both went to the food court and ordered some food to eat. It was still early so I didn't need to rush home.

"So uhm, Merry Christmas. I know it's not a very merry Christmas but, we need to keep the spirits up."

"Always, you're always cheerful no matter how hard the situation is. Compared to me who only knew her for days, you knew her almost your entire life. You really are amazing, Kuki."

…

"I might not show it. I also feel very sad and it aches really hard in my chest. For the past few days, I also didn't know what to do but, I need to stay strong. Nothing will happen if I just mourn and weep all day. I'm sure she will be very happy if she knows that I'm spending my time wisely and cheerfully, just like always."

There are a lot of kinds of people. There are those who think positively and find the most reasonable meaning in things. Kuki seems to be that kind. I can't even understand and imagine her pain but, it's common sense. I know it's really hard on her part and yet, she is here in front of me trying her best to stay in composure.

"I told you before her past. I've pushed you into a spot in which you might think that you should take responsibility for her. I'm sorry. You might have felt that way. It's not your fault and it will never be your fault. So please, Smile."

A very sincere effort to cheer someone up. Even though she wasn't fully herself yet, she still tries her best to make me feel better. This girl, she really is quite amazing. I know I can't be the same as her but, I also know that I should be trying my best.

She was right when she said that nothing will come off of just sulking and weeping over it. I need to really think hard about everything and learn to accept that it actually happened.

"I…, thank you for everything, Kuki. You're being a great help."

"That's as much as the only thing that I can do. You're the one who will actually help yourself."

"Still, thank you."

We both talked for a little while before we went home.

"I'm home."

"Great your back, I'll get ready to prepare to make the cake."

"I'm also back!"

"Oh, dear. How was your Christmas with the boys?"

"It was good, I felt that I was young again. Ahahah"

"Want to help me make the cake?"

"Sure, I will! Ahahaha. Want to help make the cake also, Ryu."

"It's okay, I'll pass. There are some things that I need to do."

"Okay, we will call you back when everything's prepared. Let's celebrate Christmas together."

"Sure… I'll just be in my room for now."

"Don't sweat yourself too much, kiddo."

He went back to his room and started thinking.

He kept thinking and thinking. No matter how much he thought about it, it will never change. The fact that she is dead will never change.

After a couple of hours passed by, his mother called out to him. The cake was ready and they are to eat dinner this Christmas Eve.

He came to the kitchen.

"Merry Christmas, Ryu!"

Both his parents told him that with a big smile and hugged him.

He felt both their warmth but, his emotions were still unstable. He smiled back and said…"Merry Christmas."

"Come on, let's eat."

"The steak that I cooked is delicious, you should try that first, Ryu."

"The cake will be our dessert, your father messed up a lot you know. Ahahahah"

"Hey don't tell him that, anyway, we still finished making it. Ahahaha"

Just like any ordinary household, they celebrated Christmas normally. Some delicious food on the table, the whole family gathered together, and the thought of Christmas in their minds.

Although he wasn't that hyped about it, he still tried his best to enjoy Christmas with his family. He wants to be just like the vice president. He wanted to be happy in front of his family.

Christmas ended.

December 26 onwards. Days after Christmas.

The remaining days of Christmas passed by, everything was going back to normal, slowly. Everybody was preparing for the New Year. Nothing much had happened after Christmas and Ryu was still…December 31. Day of the funeral.

"Ryu, glad you came."

Kuki said with a forced smile. She was looking at him as if she was anxious. Anxious not because she's not sure about how well this funeral will go but, on how things will go on in the future.

The whole student council was there. The president, Kuki, the secretary, some of the faculty members, and her family. I was looking at other people if there were some classmates or even just someone whom she knew from school besides the student council members but, there were none.

The atmosphere at the funeral was like any other funeral. Grief, Pain, anger, sorrow, confusion, and distress. All of the people's emotions are mixed up. Overwhelming emotions of being lost. The funeral was coming to an end and we were asked to throw our flowers onto her coffin before she gets lowered down to be buried as we wish her something.

"Don't worry Rea, Kuki will always smile and remember her little sister. I love you. We will never forget you."

After the others, a lot more people came and threw their flowers in, wishing her something, talking to her, and grieving for her.

Of course, my turn came. When they all spoke to her I felt nothing, no pain nor happiness. I then walked and went beside her coffin.

I could see her face from the clear lid of the coffin. She was pretty beautiful and well-groomed. Although I felt nothing when the others spoke their wishes to her, it hit me like a truck when it was my turn.

The pressure that was built up these past few days finally exploded. Tears run down my face. My thoughts begin to jumble and my mind got shattered. All of the emotions that the other people felt, I felt it all at once. Just like a big dam about to explode, I cried, cried so hard that I barely knew who I was.

I cried. I fell to my knees and understood how weak I really am. No, how weak humans were. No matter how hard someone was to struggle, at this point, there really is nothing we can do but move on. Then Kuki went to me and looked me in the eye. She said.

"It's okay. Don't make Rea worry for you more. Geez. Hehehe."

Even though she said that she looked at me again and at that moment, she also cried.

The funeral ended. She was then lowered into her grave and they put a stone tablet to mark where she rests.

December 31, the day that Ryu accepted what happened and started moving on.

January 1, the day of the New Year.

Ryu celebrated his New Year with his family and the remaining days before school with the student council members.

Nothing special happened, only that, they all promised to never forget Rea and the memories that they all shared with her.

Finally, school started and Ryu decided to turn on a new leaf.

Acceptance and moving on. Both are essential for one's emotional growth. These two words don't just dictate movement or a course of action as a response but also, great resolve.