TBBM XIII. Chances

"I'm... not Stephie. Stupid boy," I corrected him, tapping his back as I did. "You shouldn't get wasted too much, you know?"

"Stephie, don't leave me," he kept on calling her until I felt tears trickled down his cheeks. I felt really bad for him. I wished he'd just go back to being the contemptuous one.

We continued on like that as I lulled him to sleep. It was a rainy day, in a big, however, seemingly lonely place of the McIntyres.

+++

It still rained hard the day after. They said that the typhoon had left the city but it was moving really slowly in the neighbouring places; slow as the hours while I sat there, helplessly within Red's grasp.

Dub dub. Dub dub.

Dub dub. Dub dub.

Like an unwanted curse, my heart had been acting strangely since I left the McIntyre's; almost as if I ached for a pain that wasn't mine to begin with.

Did I develop sympathy for Boasty? I felt as though I broke internally every time I remembered him cry. His pain was quiet. His pain, I couldn't take myself apart from it.

"Are you adding ginger, again?" I screamed as I took a whiff of that familiar scent my mother was treating my hair with---the scent Red didn't like.

"Don't be picky. This formula's intense. It'll kill your lice in an instant," my mother responded, in her signature loud voice. She commonly joked about me having lice so she wouldn't have to touch on the topic of my blockers.

We never really discussed my condition in the open. She knew that having to be in a body that operated in the exact opposite than the way you knew it should, was torture already---moreso, discussing my delayed puberty without caution.

My mother, she worked so hard just to afford my pricey injections. I was glad I only had it four times in a year but, I knew the money she spent didn't come to her that easy. She even offered to save for my transition, once I decided I was ready for it. What would I be without her?

"Lice? I got no lice."

"Oh, you don't?" she teased. "We'll see after twenty-four hours."

"One day!?" I exclaimed, surprised.

"Do we have a problem with 24 hours? It's organic. No chem---"

"Mother..." I trailed off. I forgot why I even cared. It wasn't like we did this for the first time, anyway. "I'm eighteen... you know? I just thought, maybe, people didn't like it when I smelled pungent like this."

"People didn't like?" she wore that all-knowing look. "People who?"

"P-people," my heartbeat raced at her question. "Uhm, nothing. Like-a... People like James."

"James? or that boy you ran off with---?"

"Mother! I didn't run off with any boy!"

"You didn't run off---you just slept together? I see," she furthered, dunking my head over and over.

"Same room, different beds, Mother!" I corrected. "It wasn't like I went there invited that I should ask for another room."

I flinched on the inside as I lied to my mother. Well, technically, Red did really sleep in the couch, he just transferred to my-his bed. Whatever.

But I also remembered falling asleep as I cradled him while he pined for his lost love. I fell asleep like that. Though, that didn't really count, did it?

James came to our house to eat that day. He was alone at home so he braved the rain to see me---at least I thought that was one reason. Did he love me over my mother's food? I wished I could tell.

"Don't ever dream, Hicks. No one's ever gonna like you."

"Don't ever dream, Hicks. No one's ever gonna like you."

"Don't ever dream, Hicks. No one's ever gonna like you."

I shook my head as I started hearing Boasty again; what he said the other day.

James wore his favourite university jacket as he emerged from the door. I used to be excited to see him but it was strange this time: suddenly, I felt as though I hadn't been loyal to him. I wondered how things would be like if I'd spent the last two days with him, instead.

My mother took his jacket and handed him over with a dry towel. His hair got wet. He smiled at me, his usual warm smile---but his eyes were full of questions.

"You look like you're in-laws," I joked.

My mother threw me a laser eye.

"So, what's with ignoring me?" James sat in front of me as my mother readied the table. "Did I upset you? Tell me."

"I-ignore?" I almost completely forgot that we hadn't really talked in days. "It's not like that, Jim."

"Boast-I mean, Red... uhm... he..." I wasn't sure which part of it I should share. "He accidentally run over a swell of puddles. He got me all wet, as a result and I wanted to take revenge so---"

"Accidentally?" he shook his head. "I doubt that."

The thought of Red being afraid of roaches crossed my mind again. That part was too funny, I almost told James about it. But I also remembered him threatening me not to tell anyone about it. I also remembered him weeping next to me...

"Erase. Erase," I whizzed back to reality. "I mean, it was raining crazy. We rode his car to his place, dried up and, when the rain relented for a a bit, I went home."

"You're back but you never spend time with me anymore," James pouted. Oh my Saint! Did he have to look that cute? I wanted to be with him all the time.

"Jim-jim..." I baby-talked.

"Jap-jap..." he baby-talked back.

"How did you manage to pay the taxi, by the way?" my mother cut my moment with James. "You left your wallet."

I froze. I earned 5k that day. But how could I tell them about it?

"Found it somewhere," I fake-laughed.

It was a particularly very cold morning outside. My mother made him a chocolate porridge to warm him up before lunch.

"Why do you always make it so good, Auntie?" he roared in delight.

"You didn't have to be a pleaser," my mother grinned. "Come here whenever you're hungry."

"Taste this, Jap," James fed me---with his spoon.

I couldn't gauge whether it was the food or his saliva that tasted well. We technically kissed. I bit my lower lip to contain my giggles.

Was that gross? Who cared?

My mother was still in the kitchen preparing the meal when another visitor dropped by, interrupting my heaven with James.

Ma-ho, our very tactless neighbour, showed up from our porch.

"Enna," she called over for my mother. "Oh, the handsome James is here again, making the curly Jopet smile from ear to ear."

My mother walked over to meet her.

"Jopet," Ma-ho's malicious stare intensified. "Don't just sit there imagining, or you'll be imagining your whole life Jopet. Nobody that handsome will like you, so jump for it while there's the chance!"

Chance.

Ma-ho always talked to me about chances like that. She said that I didn't stand a chance in life. She said that I was a hopeless case. Harsh, I found her mouth to be. But she said she was just giving me real talk.

Her words weighed heavy on my heart each time she made comments on me. Her words always cut through my self-esteem. I almost always tried to avoid her when I could.

My mother escorted her out as they talked.

"Jap-jap," James put his hand on my hair. I realised I still smelled like ginger. But he didn't mind. "I told you not to listen to anything she'd say, remember?"

I tried not to look affected and nodded.

"You know what? I practiced ball at home," he tried distracting me, as he played his video on his phone. "Look. Guess how many times I'm gonna hit three points."

I watched him talked passionately about basketball as he played his video. I only understood half of it, for my mind dawdled stubbornly on the idea of him.

"Yeah, and I have another story for you," we could overhear Ma-ho from outside. We knew she was getting her momentum. "I went to see Maria yesterday. You know Maria from up the street? I bet you'll be grossed out when you see her house. It's damp and dirty inside..."

That left me and James to stare disapprovingly at each other.

"Do you wanna go upstairs, instead?" he looked resolute.

I nodded.

+++

Chances. Chances. Chances.

I wallowed at the thought of what Ma-ho had said until I barely had sleep that night. I'd never been really confident about myself. But I tried my best---I'd been trying my best. In fact, I believed that the me this year was the most confident I'd ever been. But every time she talked to me like that, it crushed me to pieces.

Clearly, I wasn't ready to stop my blockers and transition. I couldn't let people's opinion drown the new me to death. I couldn't let the new me live the life I lived. It'd be such a pity... and expensive, I might add. Before I transitioned, I should be really, fundamentally strong.

"Dear Saint," I whispered in tears, until darkness engulfed me.