TBBM XVIII. Where James' Heart Is

"So, back to your crush. How's he like?"

"They're well-off. But he liked simple girls. Simple like you."

"C'mon. You're pretty! He'll definitely choose you," I cheered her on, gracefully, I hoped.

"You..." her voice broke.

I tittered. She was such a jokester.

#IHopeSheEndsUpWithHerLove

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I got off the bus late and walked down our alley, still thinking about the dinner I had in Roma's place. She cooked well, too. How could she be living like that, reserving herself hopelessly to a guy when guys should have been lining up for her, instead. I couldn't find sense as to why she would pine over a boy, wallowing in pain alone---yeah, that must hurt, right?---and not talk to him?

Ferds and Domops were there as usual, drinking in one corner, poking fun at the passers by. I knew they'd aim for me when they saw me.

I paused at a distance wondering how I'd get past them without being noticed.

"How? I wondered to myself. I should probably better just run as fast as I could, like always.

I stretched and prepared myself for the sudden run until somebody grabbed my hand. Up to now, there had only been one person who kept grabbing me like that---Boasty.

"What!?" I cried. Annoyed, as I turned around. He took his hoodie off. "Stop grabbing me like that---"

"Jap-jap!" James winked at me, smiling. I would never be able to compose myself in front of that smile. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you hated being---"

"No. No. No," I counter-reacted. "I thought you were someone else. If it's you, you can grab me anytime."

He scratched the back of his head and grinned even more. That must have sounded really bad.

I couldn't breathe. He was such a beautiful creature. He wore his varsity shirt under that hoodie. He was saying something, but I totally zoned out, appreciating his face.

"You alright?" he stopped, inspecting my face. He was still holding my hand. I wanted him to just keep holding me like that.

"Uhm... I just..." I was at a loss of words. "You were overwhelming."

For a second, his face looked puzzled, trying to make meaning of what I'd just said.

"'Cause I'm handsome?" he checked.

I nodded, childishly. He was so beautiful, I couldn't control myself.

"Jap," his smile disappeared. "Can you stay the night, my place?"

Can you stay the night, my place?

Can you stay the night, my place?

Can you stay the night, my place?

His words echoed endlessly in my ears, making me nervous. Did he want to be with me privately? Oh, no. I wasn't ready for this. I couldn't do that thing until I got my surgery.

"W-why?" I asked.

"My heart...' his face turned serious. "It feels lonely."

"I'm just here, though,' those words flew out of my mouth without me intending to. "I mean you can---"

"I know. That's why I came here. Embrace me, please," without further explanations, he pulled me to an embrace.

Embrace.

He embraced me.

It wasn't the first time we embraced. But it always felt like it was the first, at least to me. I loved that feeling. It felt like, I wanted to be married to him.

James' embrace was very tight. Tight as though he was going through something really awful. In that moment, I felt the giddy in me transformed to worry. I wished it wasn't that bad.

What was going on? The people close to me had been feeling lonely allot these days: first it was Boasty; then, it was Roma; then, it was James.

Dear Saint, please heal them of their pain.

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James walked me home while we listened to his playlist through his earphones---I got the left, he got the right. He held my hand as we walked, virtually erasing everyone in sight that I could worry about.

At home, my mother made him dinner as I packed a few items for myself upstairs. He asked my mother to let me stay with him for the night in his place. My mother was giving me stares initially but she readily gave him permission. My mother trusted James, like family.

We walked to his car and we headed to his place. He used to make me listen to his playlist---we listened together, sharing one pair of earphones. I found it romantic when he did that.

"Does it... hurt anywhere?" I grabbed his phone and turned the music off while he drove.

"My heart," he grabbed my hand again, pressing it very tightly, as if releasing tension.

"Y-you mean, like you can't breathe? Like you need to see a doctor? Or, you mean it hurts because you wanted to be with somebody," I panicked. I would take care of him all night if I had to.

He paid me with a lonely glance.

"Jim, you make Jap worry."

"I kept seeing her," he hawked. "I wanted to talk to her but I can't."

He was gripping my hand while talking about another girl. Apparently, he was hung up on some girl he said he couldn't talk to.

Why? Why did my role have to be like this? I meant, he could just look at me and forget her---like I'd look at him and everything else around me would disappear.

"I'm here, Jim-jim," I looked at him, almost teary.

"Dont, don't cry, Jap!" he smiled, his eyes were lonely.

I didn't know if I cried because he was talking about another girl or because I absorbed much of his loneliness. It could be both.

My James. I couldn't bear looking at him bleak like that.

He pulled over in front of his house and wrapped his arm around me as we made our entrance.

"Jap," he sat me in the couch and asked. "What did you do there at Roma's?"

It puzzled me. He never really asked me about other girls before.