TBBM XXVIII. The Face That I’d Already Forgotten

"Hicks," Red called on to me, without looking. "I'm sorry. You must leave."

Rejection. There was something about rejection I'd grown accustomed with: the scathing stares, the cruel actions and the imminent threat of being taken down right when you least expected it.

But truthfully, the last person I thought would reject me at this point was Red.

Take this, then leave.

Don't be mad at me anymore.

When a guy---when I insult you---I don't mean it.

Don't cry because of me.

His words echoed persistently through my bones, like some unwelcome guest you couldn't help but accept. I walked away slowly but without fail as stream of tears overwhelmed my eyes, tasting defeat.

The road was dark except the occasional lights of the roadside stores. I walked fast in places where there weren't people and walked slower where there were. I didn't mind what they thought of me. Actually, I couldn't even mind myself enough for I felt dead inside.

I'd been walking for about thirty five minutes when I faced a stretch of the road that had no stores along it, only lamp posts. I wanted to fear what lied ahead of it but I was too downtrodden to even feel anything.

I treaded down the dreaded path. Some of the lamp posts weren't well-maintained and they twinkled like Christmas lights when they weren't supposed to.

By then, I began to feel someone following me. I could try to outrun him but what were my chances? I couldn't even outrun my classmates in PE.

So I decided to just tell him frankly. I wasn't so in the mood for action, anyway.

"Stop!" I turned around soon as I reached the spot under one working lamp post. "Were you trying to rob me?"

"I just need your phone and wallet," he showed himself in the light. He wore a dark shirt, jeans and a black cap. "Give it to me so nobody gets hurt."

"Look," I knew I was supposed to be frightened but I totally lacked feelings. I opened my bag and held it upside down; all of my things inside started falling out at once. "If you wanted to rob me, let me disappoint you by telling you that I've already been robbed. I don't have my phone. I don't have my wallet. I don't have confidence, happiness... even self-esteem. He took... everything. Do you seriously think I'll be walking out in the streets, at night alone if I had money? Look, we're no different now. I just... I just want to walk my way home peacefully, okay?"

"Really?" he used his shoe to inspect my things as they scattered on the pavement.

"There's one thing, though," I offered. "I've a birthmark that I wanted to lose. Do you think you'd like to take that instead?"

He paused to look at me, but he ultimately decided to walk away in dismay, kicking my bag to the center of the road.

"Even the bad guys don't fancy a hickey," I said, hopelessly.

I didn't bother going after my bag so I ended up picking up my things and held them up to my chest.

I walked lonely in that uneventful night, feeling nothing but sadness, for the person whom I thought would not let me down did, in the most unexpected way possible.

I passed by the food stall and it looked like my mother had just closed. She must be home now.

I got home shortly before midnight, making sure my mother would not see me all drenched. I locked myself up in the restroom and cried. Yes, I still cried---I didn't know why.

Take this, then leave.

Don't be mad at me anymore.

When a guy---when I insult you---I don't mean it.

Don't cry because of me.

His words wound up to my ears scathing me even more, each time it played in loop, over and over again until I fell asleep.

Silence. In the end, it all turned to silence.

+++

I arrived in the clearing shortly before sunrise. It was a dry morning, but also cold. The whiff of the early morning grass was enriching, just as much as the young rays of the sun as they touched my skin. I lied flat on my back, releasing tension to the earth below me as I watched the skies turned from orange to yellow to white and blue.

I was sure I got there alone. But half of me believed that I wasn't anymore. He lied on his back, too. But on the opposite direction. His face was so close to me, but he faced another way. His hair was brushed up in a disarray---the type that not every guy in town could sport---except him. The disheveled hair and occasional spikes it formed on the side of his head fit him; just like his character, rough but beautiful at the same time. His brows were manly, indicative of his strength. Truly, how could I ever measure up to him, by beauty or strength? The morning sun kissed his skin and I expected him to glisten as they made contact. But to my surprise, he didn't. Instead, he run his fingers along his nose, effortlessly like a habit, airy like his form.

"You're not Edward," I whispered as he neared his face to me even closer. His skin smelled musky---but the type I'd grown accustomed to. He smiled---one that placed between evil and pure piety. His lips went close to mine, in a tricky motion. I was running out breath. "What are you doing?"

"Don't deny it. I know you feel me," he spoke under his breath---cool like he practiced it, confident like he had nothing to fear.

I knew he wasn't Edward but rather, someone else. He was somebody that felt close to me---but that I had forgotten. I finally let my guards down and allowed his lips to touch mine---

"Jopet! Jopet!" I was familiar with that loud voice. "You're burning with fever! Are you alright?"

"M-mother?" it was hazy when I woke up. I embraced her.

"W-why? What's wrong?" she panicked. "Do the pills tire you out? Make you sick?"

I shook my head.

Mother. It was nice to have a mother. She let me hug her in the waist like a kid, as she sat on my bed, until I found myself wandering to that clearing again---next to him… to that face that I'd already forgotten.