TBBM XXXIII. He Looked For Me

"...the moment he realised that you didn't have a phone with you and that you were probably walking in the rain, he went out and looked for you."

"He looked for me?" suddenly, I felt my heart revived.

He went out and looked for you.

He went out and looked for you.

He went out and looked for you.

He went out and looked for you.

The noisy chatterfield faded in the background like sceneries going past one's view in a moving car: you knew they were there, it was just that your eyes wandered somewhere farther.

I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that somebody who actually kicked me out of his car in that pitch black night would go out of his way and look for me. The logical contrast was not only glaring but also, unrecognisable.

"Also," Nina added, placing a folded paper into my hands. "Can you hand this over to your professor?"

"This is...?" I asked, clueless.

"Medical certificate. He's not seriously ill, don't worry."

"I'm so not worried," I defended.

"You don't miss him? He kept talking about you."

"T-talking about m-me?" I stuttered. "Why?"

"Go save that for when you see him again. Something to look forward to, you know?"

Dub dub. Dub dub.

Dub dub. Dub dub.

I couldn't rest my heartbeat. Somehow, I had the reason to believe that my heart was starting to become dysfunctional.

+++

Our class was relatively smaller than the others. Hence, the organizers prioritised them and they got to board the buses earlier than us. At first, I was uneasy thinking that they might actually split our group to fill in the few extra seats in other buses but luckily, there was still one left for us. We were only close to forty students, counting the irregular students in, so block riding was the deal.

In school trips, the guide usually took the front seat, at the back of the driver. The quiet ones followed on the next few layers. The lower middle commonly hosted the fun population. And the back homed the really crazy ones.

There were still plenty of vacancies from the fourth to the sixth line so I decided to occupy the fifth one on the right. Roma was seated on the opposite side, talking to her brothers on video call. I loved sitting by the window. To me, watching privately as people go about their everyday life was meditative. Moreso, as the bus moved, watching the sceneries run past my view felt consoling. Meditation proved helpful for somebody who liked to overthink.

Cliffy and Ray were seated exactly at my back, offering me something to munch on. The PAC girls took the third layer, busying themselves on their make up. Betty and Noriella were on the seventh. Cy, as she was big, occupied the sixth couch on the left.

Not too long after everybody was settled, the professor stood from behind the chauffeur and gathered our attention for a quick prayer of guidance.

The chauffeur moved the engine to life soon after. I felt that the vehicle started to inch forward when a strong tap on the side of the bus halted us all. The girls screamed at what they saw. I almost paid attention to it, too---if only I didn't see James' message.

"Be safe," he said.

I propped both my feet up on the seat next to me, trying to fight off the butterflies in my stomach. Ray and Cliffy were saying my name, perhaps, making fun of my facial expressions but how could I help?

Dear Saint---

"Move," a commanding voice woke me back to the moment.

"Interruptions," I muttered, still eye-locked on James' message. "Can you just take another seat?"

"I need to be... near the window."

"Sorry. I got here first," I declined, as I figured what to message James with.

"Seriously? Are you playing all tough now?" he sighed, sounding arrogant.

"Sis, give in now," Cliffy whispered.

"What give in?" I ignored his poking.

"Look up, girl!" Ray persuaded me, too. "I'd ditch the phone if I were you."

"I'm Jopet two point zero," I whispered back at them, while still losing myself in James' message. "I fear no one."

"Seriously?" I could feel the weight of his voice. "You prioritise flirting around like that over me?"

"Flirting?" I growled then looked up. "Why do you c---"

It was 'him'. Suddenly, the excitement in my face spirited away.

"Give way," his tone became milder when he saw the expression on my face. 'He' was wearing a denim jacket and ragged jeans. His hair was brushed to the side, like forging an image of some good guy. "Let me take the window seat."

I was unmoved for a minute. It felt like my heart was being ripped.

I stood up and let him take the seat by the window. I lost the guts to fight. I couldn't bear to look at his face or talk to him. Oddly, I thought I might also cry.

"This is comfortable. Let me lie down," 'he' said that loud enough so Cliffy could hear it while he leaned farther back.

Cliffy was about to leave but I pulled 'his' seat back.

"Don't give up too easily," I convinced Cliffy.

"Agree. We got here first," Ray supplemented.

'He' sighed deeply, shaking his head. 'He' was rubbing his eyes. 'He' looked tired.

'He' was quiet for a bit. I consciously maintained enough space between me and 'him' so we wouldn't touch.

"Want some?" shortly after, Roma offered me a bag of milk & cheese munchkins. She gave some of our classmates, too. I was left with three pieces in a paperbag. "My aunt's specialty."

"Smells appetizing," I took a whiff, then got my hand on one of it. "I love it!"

"Genius. Isn't she?" Roma giggled.

Our classmates loved it too. They were asking her for more. But I held on tightly to all that was left.

"Let me try that," I heard 'him' ordered.

'He' was back to his arrogance. I ignored him.

"Roms. You know what I'll do with these?" I called. " I'll save these for James, instead. I'm sure he'd love to---"

"I'm the class president. I shouldn't be left out, should I?" 'he' interrupted us, sounding airy.

I couldn't help but my blood boiled each time he spoke.

"Roms," I called on her again, deflecting. "I'll text James now about these little goodies of yours---"

"Oh---" Roma half-screamed. The paperbag left me.

'He' grabbed it from my hand and ate it. I couldn't react quickly. He was already chewing on it.

"Dog? Are you a dog?" I tried to control my anger but I continued to hurt as I kept avoiding it.

"Should've listened to me when I asked," he casually said, pulling a can of coke out of his pocket. "Ahhhh, delicious."

"Enough," I said numbly. "I hope that makes you happy."

He looked like he wanted to go further but his smile vanished when he saw devastation on my face. I fixed my things and faced Roma.

"Roms, do you mind sitting together?" I moved out.

"Uh..." she nodded, confused. "O-okay."

"Don't go!" 'he' grabbed my wrist as I stood up.

This scene gave me dejavu. It felt as though it happened before. I remembered feeling good every time he grabbed me in the wrist like that. But I couldn't feel that same feeling now. I started thinking what changes took place between the first time he did that and now. Was it my hormones? Was I just being emotional like my doctor warned me about? Or, was it simply 'him'?

"I wouldn't do it again," 'he' looked away, eyes brooding. That look in his face felt familiar. "About the bread---and about that night."

I froze.

Right then, the bus made a big left turn as the chauffeur tried to avoid collision with another car. It wasn't a very smooth transition in the road. I lost balance. But 'his' grip on me was firm. I was poised to hit my head against the overhead cabins but 'he' pulled me down.

"Aw," I closed my eyes. My face landed on his chest. His arms sheltered my head. 'He' was strong but somewhat hot.

In a matter of seconds, our vehicle halted and everyone rushed towards the windowside witnessing the almost collision. I could hear the professor and the man behind our wheels as they inched out and discussed things with the enforcer.

All that happened while I lied still on 'his' chest, not knowing what to do next. Despite the clamour, all the sound I could really focus on was 'his' heartbeat. I could hear it clearly. It was racing.

"This would be so much nicer if only you weren't hating on me," he coughed a little.

Dub dub. Dub dub.

Dub dub. Dub dub.

I pulled away, awkwardly.

Take this, then leave.

Don't be mad at me anymore.

When a guy---when I insult you---I don't mean it.

Don't cry because of me.

A stream of memories swelled before my eyes, like a gush of water spilling from a watershed. Forceful. Violent. Unstoppable. Beautiful. I found myself staring at his face, like I knew it was 'him' whom I'd been seeing in my dreams.

The chauffeur got his hands back on the helm. The professor instructed us to settle down and go on with our businesses as the engine revved back to life and we carried on with the trip.

It was all a haze and I felt exhausted. I had no idea how it ended. I just remembered sitting still, keeping distance from the person next to me. And slowly, I succumbed to sleep.

+++

"Memories," I started picking up Roma's voice after an hour or so. She'd been taking snaps of the class on her camera. She took a photo of us, too.

Only then, did I realise that 'he' and I were leaning on each other: my head ended up on his shoulders while his head rested on mine.

"You're hot," I said while I straightened myself up.

"Always am," 'he' joked like we were close.

"We shall have a thirty minute stop-over," the professor made a quick announcement. "Go and buy what you need. Use the restroom. Catch some air. Be back on time, okay?"

"I'll head out to take a piss," 'he' informed. I wondered why 'he' was suddenly polite like that but I still didn't know how to talk to him.

I went out with Roma to find some goodies we could take with us home. We were in the middle of the express way where there were lots of restaurants, food stalls, souvenir shops and a petrol station.

We decided to go to a small take-home store where organic snacks were sold. I picked up a few packs of pastries while Roma had her hands on a variety of nuts, sweets and jams.

"That's allot," I commented.

"I'll send some to my brothers. They must need some healthy stuff in their pantries," she gleefully explained. She then, handed me a an extra bag. "For you, Red and James."

"I better just give these all to James," I pouted.

" Why? Don't you think you're being too hard on him, sister?" she threw me a stern look. "Look at his face. He looked particularly tired... almost sick, actually."

"You're just saying that because you don't hear him talk---"

"I snapped photos of you earlier---please don't get mad---but he was sweating despite the AC," she showed me her shots.

He was indeed sweating. I didn't even realise that. I lost the words to argue further. He was hot, I remembered. I also totally forgot that Nina and Seb handed me a medical certificate earlier. I dug it from my pocket and read it with Roma.

"Flu?" she pointed out. "See. He was indeed, sick."

"He coughed only a little. It shouldn't be serious," I brushed it off.

"What if he was too weak to even go on this trip?"

Take this, then leave.

Don't be mad at me anymore.

When a guy---when I insult you---I don't mean it.

Don't cry because of me.

I kept hearing him again in my head. I kept hearing his words, like some broken record.

I must be going insane.

We ended up buying him a burger and I discretely got him some fever tablets. I felt ashamed that Roma would see me care for somebody selfish like 'him'. But also, I felt guilty for not stopping him from joining the trip. How could I help? I was busy responding to James.

The class filled their seats little by little as we approached the end of the stop over. The professor ordered us to check on our seatmates. But 'he' hadn't come back, yet.

"Alright. Alright. Settle down, guys and girls," the professor ordered, walking far back as she inspected us. "Check on your seatmates. Who isn't around yet?"

Roma and I were exchanging stares.

"Raise your hand," she suggested.

I made face. I was really reluctant to look after 'him'. 'He' didn't even probably need me.

"None? None," the professor continued screening each seat. Until she reached me. "Jopet?"

"'H-he' hasn't come back yet," I murmured.

"Who's seated next to you?" she asked.

"McIntyre," Cy volunteered to answer for me.

I didn't really like to say his name. But at the moment, I felt like I started to worry.

"Where is McIntyre?" the professor asked me.

I shook my head.