Chapter 26

I wake up the next morning, very early. I look over at the clock and see it isn't even ten yet, so I roll over and try to go back to sleep. That idea is out the window when I am stunned awake seeing Alex asleep against the door.

"Alex?" I let out a harsh whisper, "Alex what are you doing?"

He doesn't move or respond. I reach behind me to grab a pillow to chuck at him. When it hits him he jumps.

"What the hell was that for?" He moans as he halfheartedly throws the pillow back.

"Why are you sleeping by the door?"

"I don't know..." He squints when I turn on the light, "Thought maybe I could protect you more or at least make you feel safe if I did."

I smile, stunned for a moment, "Thank you, Alex."

He returns my smile as we both get up and greet the day reluctantly. I pull out fresh clothes while he changes in the bathroom. I also empty my backpack to fill it with my art supplies and my wallet.

He steps out and takes my backpack while I go to get dressed. I pull my clothes and makeup bag into the bathroom to quickly get ready. I slip on my jeans and stare at myself in the mirror until my eyes hurt. Even after I'm dressed and have my makeup on, I'm watching the mirror, I'm watching to make sure there are no bruises.

Shaking myself back to reality, I leave the bathroom and take my bag from Alex. I try not to show how shaken I am, but I can tell he knows something is up, even if he's not 100% sure what.

"So where are we going?" I ask as I grip my shoulder strap.

"I was thinking that we could set you up to draw for most of the day, then maybe go around town and look at the shops at stuff. If we're only staying two more days, might as well have some fun. Does that sound good?"

I nod and take a deep, shakey breath. I want out of this room, I want to leave and never come back to it. Two days, that's all I have to get through.

We walk around town together, I watch intently as Alex points at different shops and tourist traps. One store catches my eye. A little Christmas shop. It hits me how close we are to Christmas. It hits me that this might be the first time mom and I aren't together for Christmas.

I don't realize that I've stopped until Alex is lightly shaking my shoulder.

"Are you ok?"

"It's December, soon it will be Christmas and... I--I'm not home... I didn't sit with my mom with a calculator seeing if we could get a tree. I won't be there to decorate it with her or make those cheap cookies she loves," I start crying, "I won't be able to pull enough extra shifts to buy her a gift. I won't be able to go to the dollar store and find some adorable, corny wrapping paper to make her smile. I won't be able to wrap it and hide it under the tree and watch her open it over hot chocolate. Alex, I won't be home for Christmas, for the first time in my life I will not be home for Christmas!"

He looks stunned. I can't hold back the tears as the pain and guilt of being alone, leaving my mother alone, at Christmas. The thought of her sitting at home alone on one of her few days off, on a day she always spends with me, kills me. Alex pulls me away behind one of the stores to calm me down.

"You need to take a breath, I want to let you release these feelings but in public it'll draw too much attention to us. What can I do to help make it better? What can I do to make you feel better?"

I sniffle and sob, trying not to burst into hysterics. I look up at him in embarrassment, "I don't like this, I don't want to be this person! God, before last month you barely knew who I was and now you're seeing me a slopping mess? My best friend, my own mother doesn't usually see me this emotional, I don't get this emotional! I'm usually in control, and then you kicked my feet out from under me! You made a stupid decision, and I've lost everything I've known for it! I want to be home for Christmas!"

His eyes sparkle and water. I feel as ridiculous as I probably look. I bite my lip as I shove the tears to the side, I keep trying to push them away even as they continue to fall.

"For the love of God," Alex reaches out as he mutters, grabbing my wrists, "Stop it! Stop trying to be strong! I don't know how many times I need to say it, you do not always have to be strong! I can't get you home for Christmas, and that's an awful thing to admit, it's an awful thing to hear so for once, acknowledge it! Feel it! Stop trying to bury it all! Let yourself feel and then tell me how we can make it better!"

I take a few shakey breaths before I pull myself out of his grip. I pull my backpack closer against me, my mind just going to that phone, the only connection I have to my mom. I want to curl into a ball and cry until I can't anymore. I won't though, because to me it won't help anything, it won't change anything.

"I want to draw, I want to find a spot and spend the next seven or eight hours drawing. I want to find my mom something nice and I want to send it to her, to apologize for not being there, to make sure her Christmas is still good."

I march past him and back out to the store fronts. I watch all the people coming and going, looking happy as can be. I glance around the plaza and find a nice, quiet spot right off to the side of foot traffic. I find the closest bench to that spot and start setting up. I haven't even finished setting up when someone approaches me.

"Are you doing drawings?" She approaches me hesitantly, she's so small I'm almost speechless.

"Yeah, portraits, ten dollars," I try to smile as I take her in and feel my insecurities rise up.

She's slim, but not to the point of looking unhealthy. Her hair is a light brown, almost almond brown, and it falls in waves down her shoulder over the straps of her gentle sundress. Her face seems flawless, I have to remind myself she's probably wearing makeup. Her dress hugs her perfectly, making her small curves more noticeable. The sunflowers on her white dress compliment her blue eyes. She's most every artists dream. All she does to me is remind me why guys like Alex don't notice me.

"Do you think you could draw me laying on the bench? Maybe put a beautiful, floral mural behind me instead of the stores? I want to give it to my boyfriend for his birthday," Her small, full lips stretch into a giddy grin.

I nod, watching her take little steps over to the bench, I set up my pencils, "Do you want it in color?"

"Yes, please," she carefully places her head down, letting her hair flow down to the ground.

I watch her get set up how she wants to look, while watching I decide she's seen Titanic too many times as she's doing a similar pose.

"Are you ready? Comfortable? This may take some time," I inform her, glancing down the street I see Alex sitting in front a store watching me.

The girl tells me she's ready, so I get started. I zone in on the paper and gets lost in the sounds of the people.

An hour and a half later, I'm finishing it with some last touches and my signature. I hand her the drawing as she hands me the ten dollars. I wave a passive goodbye as more people start to approach.

Alex never moves, and my only movement is to get up to exchange my drawing for cash. Aside from occasionally making eye contact, we haven't acknowledged each other all day.

I spend the next five hours drawing before the sun gets too low. I say goodbye to my last client around four o'clock and gather my sixty-odd dollars in portraits and tips. I'm folding my easel when Alex finally approaches.

"Feeling any better? Did you make a decent amount, they all seemed like good tippers," he takes over folding the metal bars.

I count the money quickly to myself, "With tips, looks like $62."

"That's not bad, imagine what you'll get tomorrow, we can try to get here earlier if that helps."

I nod as I shove my wallet into my bag, "Maybe, I don't really care as long as I can get my mom something nice. I'll probably call her tonight, see how she's doing, part of me hopes she can get a tree and the cookies even if I'm not there."

His expression doesn't change, he just stares at me in defeat, "Well, if you want we can find like a Target and you can look around for stuff to get her."

"Isn't that too public?" I roll my eyes at him.

"I think in the spirit of the holidays," he tries to smile, "And for your mom, we can make an exception."

I follow him down the road into one of the shops where he calls a cab and finds the address of the closest store. He eases me into the cab when it arrives and silently we ride to the nearest Target.

Upon arriving, I see how busy it is. It's filled to the brim with Christmas decorations, stockings, small candy packages and wrapping papers.

"Alex, what if I don't have enough? I don't know how expensive these places are, I usually don't come here," I feel anxious and start to fidget with my wallet.

"Tell you what," he leans in to whisper in my ear, smiling, "You're drawing again tomorrow, you buy her whatever you want to buy. I'll give you money if you come up short, tomorrow after you draw you can pay me back."

I nod and start walking around, I don't know where to go, I don't know what to get her. While walking in the direction of some wrapping paper, we pass a large glass desk filled with jewelry. My eyes aren't drawn to all the intense, dazzling necklaces and rings, instead I'm pulled to the simple necklace hanging on a hook on the counter top. I take it gently in my fingers and adore it, I hold it up to myself to see it come down to the center of my chest. My mom doesn't wear jewelry, she's never been able to buy any. I look at the little cube pendant with the small jewel inside and desperately want to get it for my mom. It's simple and won't get in her way, and she deserves something special.

A woman comes up to me at the counter smiling, "See something you like?"

"Yeah, how much is this?" I put the necklace down in front of her.

She looks at the little tag it was hanging from, "With tax, it will come to about $18.50. When you're ready to check out you'll go to the normal registers, they'll give you exacts depending on tax."

I smile and take the necklace to look around the rest of the store. Alex and I walk through the store and slowly accumulate more stuff, I find her a soft blanket, thick soft pajamas, a bottle of lavender epsom salt bubble bath, and slippers. Alex tells me to not look at tags, so when I see something I'd like to get her I just point.

I grab a box, tissue paper, a card, and a bow on our way to checkout. The total comes out to almost $90, making me almost sick to my stomach. Alex hands me the $27 dollars I need and we leave the store.

Arriving at our room, I place the bags by the TV and settle for bed. I look at the bags while Alex brushes his teeth, slowly I fall asleep to the thought and image of my mother's smile while opening her present.