Chapter 38

The sun is setting when Alex comes back for me. I've gone through like five more pages of my sketchbook, I can't wait for mom to see this sunset in person someday, but for now taking the drawings home will do.

"Hey, you ready?" Alex startles me with a hand on my shoulder.

I smile up at him, "Yeah, I'm all set."

I start to gather my stuff while he looks at the drawings. "They're incredible."

"Thanks." He takes my bag for me and helps me to my feet.

He stares at me as I brush the sand off my legs. He tries to look away before I notice but I've become very aware of the feeling of him watching me.

"Was it nice, just drawing?" I nod, making him break into a satisfied grin. "Let's go get some dinner and go get some sleep."

I step forward and he wraps his arm around me. His skin is a little red, probably from being in the sun. I can only imagine how burnt I got sitting out here.

"Do you want to set up and sell your drawings tomorrow?"

"Maybe, I definitely wouldn't mind sitting out here all day. It's so different from back home, but in a way I love it."

He's quiet as we walk back to the bus stop. He hands me a little piece of plastic. It says Youth Pass at the top.

"What is it?" I hold it up to him for a moment.

"It's for the bus and public transit here, so we don't have to use cash every time or get a new day pass every day. It's good for two weeks."

"Two? I thought you said a week at most in each place."

His smile looks less like the product of happiness and more of sad amusement, "I saw how your face lit up at the beach, you think I can take that away from you that easily?"

He looks back at the ground leaving me speechless. He does that a lot. Leaves me without words.

"I don't want to risk messing all this up by staying here," I eventually spit out, he looks confused. "I don't want this to be like Missouri, I don't want to put us at risk again."

"What happened there won't happen again, I promise. I'm going to keep you safe, but I'm not going to do it at the expense of your happiness."

This. This is the stuff that makes all those feelings and butterflies rise up. This is the stuff that makes me want to tell him how I feel. What's the worst that can happen? Maybe finally saying it out loud will help me get over it?

"Alex, I-"

That's when the bus pulls up, making its loud hiss as it drops and opens its door.

"Come on, let's get something to eat." He helps me onto the bus and we watch a couple other people climb on and find seats around us.

Maybe that was a sign from the universe. A big, obvious one with neon lights saying "Keep your mouth shut, some things are better left unsaid."

I will take this to my grave. I will get over this if it kills me. Something in me says Alex and I could be great friends, but I don't think that's possible with me reading into every word he says.

I try to just focus on what's around us as we drive through the cute town. We pass shops, a high school, a library, lots of houses, and a park before coming to stop in front of a small gathering of shops and restaurants.

"Chicken?" Alex asks.

I nod as we cross the street to the KFC right across from the bus stop. Alex tells me to sit while he goes and orders food. I watch him as he pulls the charming smile on the guy at the counter, you'd think they'd been best friends. I'll never understand how he does that.

When he sits back down, the smile is gone. His face is dark and he has bags under his eyes.

"Are you ok?" I ask, keeping my voice gentle.

He shrugs, barely glancing at me, "I don't know. I'm just tired. The running, trying to keep him out of my head, it's getting harder."

"Is there anything I can do?"

His eyes meet mine and I see some of the weight lift. "Are you alright?"

I put on a brave face, I try not to show that how he's acting is shaking me to my core. "Yeah, I'm fine."

A smile teases at the corner of his mouth, "Then what more could I ask for?"

We spend the rest of the evening in silence. Eating peacefully, I enjoy the greasy food and my feel my mood lift. Alex stays calm but visibly upset. He wraps his arm around my shoulder and we walk to the small crowd of stores.

We walk to another small beach. I watch a bunch of kids my age running around as I stand in the sand and watch the sun set turn the sky into an explosion of pinks and purples and oranges. There's a salty breeze I can't help but smile to. Alex's hand on my lower back pulls me from my thoughts.

"We should get going."

His words are cold and detached. He doesn't sound like the Alex I know anymore. He sounds broken and hopeless. Slowly he's sounding more and more like the Alex we both know I should fear.

I let him lead me back to the bus stop. He doesn't say much, but he looks like he might fall asleep standing up.

"Are you alright? Do you want to sleep on the bus?"

He scoffs, but it sounds more arrogant than humorous, "No I'm fine. I'll be ok."

I leave it alone, not wanting to start anything. Waiting for the bus in silence, I watch Alex from the corner of my eye. He looks a million miles away, lost in his own head.

The bus is a welcome sight as Alex shakes himself back into reality and pulls out his pass. We join the crowd that has already accumulated on the bus and Alex just zones out next to me again.

I want to poke him, he knows where we're going, I don't. I don't feel like getting lost so I need him alert, but at the same time, do I want to push him?

"Do you want to draw tomorrow?" His voice startles me.

"Uhh I'm not- I don't know, maybe. You look like you just want to sleep tomorrow."

He shrugs. "I mean, yeah kind of. I just don't want to drag you down again."

"Alex, I'd rather spend one day inside then push you to do something you're not up for. We can stay in and just goof off for a day, it's ok."

He nods. I don't think talking is his strength right now. What I'd give to know what he's thinking right now. Is he thinking at all? Or is he slowly slipping and getting ready to snap as soon as we're alone?

"Did you hear me?"

I snap my head to the side, finding Alex staring at me with wide eyes. I open my mouth to speak, but looking at him I'm not quite sure who I'd be talking to.

"Hey, what's up? Are you alright?" He takes my hand and I feel my stomach flip.

Yes Alex, just take my hand like it's the most common thing in the world. That will totally calm my nerves.

"Umm... I, uh.... What?"

Wow I'm an idiot.

"I said, I have something I need to do, are you ok in the room by yourself for a bit?"

I nod, feeling too stupid for words. I've embarrassed myself enough, I should just go to bed when I get to the room. At least I can't embarrass myself in my sleep.

"So, what are you going to be doing?" I rub my hands down my pants to stop sweating as I talk.

"I have to run to an ATM, it's more expensive here than I thought it'd be."

"If we need to go somewhere cheaper-"

"No, really it's ok. Come on, don't worry, I've got it under control."

"I never said you didn't."

I watch him as he stares at his shoes. He's a million miles away in his head. I don't really know if he's listening to me.

The more time we spend together, the more I see him change. I just don't know if it's our situation changing him or his tough-guy facade finally falling. Neither really bring me any comfort. Seeing him so distraught and upset scares me in a way I can't explain.

I try to focus on the gentle noises surrounding us. People text as the bus rattles on, some listen to music while others chat amongst themselves. Time stretches on and I can't help glance at Alex. His eyes are closed as he leans back in the seat.

We just got here, he should be ok. It shouldn't be this difficult for him to keep a hold on reality. Knowing he's losing his grip scares me, but not in any concern for myself. I'm scared for him, how much more can he take. He hates himself for what he did to me last time he snapped, can he handle that self loathing again? Is it possible for him to let go and not come back?

I push the thought from my mind. He knows what he's doing, we'll be ok... Won't we?

I take a gentle hold of Alex's shoulder, hoping to wake him, when really I just get startled by his instantaneous awakening. I don't hide my jump as he stares at me with wide, bloodshot eyes.

"You alright?" His voice is slow and hoarse.

"I thought you were asleep, you scared me," I can't help but glance around as a couple stare at me confused.

"Sorry, what's up?"

"You know where we're going, I don't. I have no clue when we get off."

He blinks a few times as he sits up, looking out the window and at the small light up sign that says the next stop.

"We're not there yet."

"I'd hope not, how much longer?"

Alex lets out a groan as he squeezes his eyes shut, "Like, maybe ten-ish more minutes."

"Why don't you go to the ATM in the morning? You seem tired."

He waves his hand dismissively, "I want to be sure we have cash on hand, in case something comes up. I'll be ok, don't worry."

Yeah, because it's so easy to be relaxed right now.

We stay silent for the rest of the ride. I'm relieved when Alex tells me we're at our stop, going to bed and just hoping sleep will help Alex is all I'm going to do. The motel is still a couple blocks from the bus stop but I don't mind, burning my energy should help me sleep.

Alex stumbles a couple times climbing the stairs to our room before stopping at a door and pulling out a key card.

"I'll be back in twenty or so minutes, so why don't you just go to bed? I don't want to keep you up."

I nod as the door swings open. The sight makes me want to thank whatever God is out there. There's two separate beds, my stuff is already set on one.

Alex chuckles as he turns to leave down the stairs again. Before he can disappear I call to him from the doorway.

"Alex!" He turns to look up at me, curiosity and concern etched into his face. "We're going to be ok, aren't we?"

I watch the corners of his mouth twitch up, "I think so, I'd die before I let something happen to you."

With that he leaves. Struggling to process what he just said, and what it could possibly mean, I close the door and get ready for bed.