Chapter 05

The icy air shook his hair, making his bangs uncomfortably scrape on his forehead. Then he pushed it under his hat and threw the scythe hard on the lemon balm feet again.

Normally, he worked in the rice fields, but he had received an unexpected invitation from Mr. Urashi to help him harvest the lemon balm. In addition to the very welcome money, Shiromiya saw a great opportunity at work, since the boss had managed to become the official supplier of the plant in a tea factory west of Kyoto.

In that way, the care of the teas redoubled and Urashi removed him from the flooded areas, towards the mountain slopes, promoting a significant advance for the region and, consequently, an increase in manpower. Such a fact could mean the right job not only for Shiro but for many men who, like him, needed to work.

"How's Miya?" The boss appeared beside him smiling and holding out a bottle of water.

Shiro bowed slightly before accepting the drink.

"Okay, thanks to medicine." He took a sip of the water. "Thank you very much for work."

"Well, there's nothing to be thankful for. I needed help with the harvests and you needed extra money to take care of your daughter. It is an exchange between neighbors."

When Miya passed out for the first time, everyone in little Kibou expressed solidarity. The mayor got a car to take her to Kyoto, and the grocery store owner gave him money to pay for a doctor. When he returned, already with the news that the seriousness of his daughter's illness would cost much more than he could afford to sell the eggs, corn, and tomatoes he planted on his small property, people started to help him by providing work. Urashi paid him to help with the farming, and the mayor gave him the keys to clean the city hall at night, twice a week. That extra money kept his bills up to date and the drugs bought without owing anything to anyone.

However, it had a price. There were no rests, no breaks. It was a daily struggle that forced him to get up even before the sun came up and went to sleep as soon as he washed the dinner dishes.

"You need a wife, Shiromiya-san" Urashi commented, helping him to lift the wide leaves of lemon balm that he put on top of a bag, after cutting them. "Miya needs a mother."

The other disconcerted, indifferent.

" I'm doing it ..."

" But ..."

" I know it's difficult to explain, but Miya and I have survived so far. Let's move on together and everything will be fine."

The older man nodded.

" I understand, just ... You are a wonderful father, despite your young age. I don't see any other man in this city who loves his offspring so much. Only I think you might be given the chance to be happy, have other children ..."

"One gives me too much work," he laughed.

Suddenly, his neck burned. He turned his face in search of something.

" What's?" Urashi looked in the same direction.

" Anything. Only, it seemed to me that I was being observed."

The man was startled.

" Don't even tell me that. We need to light incense for our ancestors. There has been a lot of death in recent years, and our beloved land is washed in blood."

Shiromiya, more skeptical, believed that the strange sensation that had accompanied him all day had other causes: rumors that radical groups were forming in the mountains, to ambush the Americans, have thrived lately. Suddenly, he feared that someone had seen him with Daniel in that bar, or that they had discovered that Saito worked for foreigners.

" It will rain " Urashi commented, changing the agenda. " Let's finish early today."

"You know, sir," he agreed.

Then he pushed the straw hat back. Trapped by a rope that slipped around his neck, the hat fell on his back. His posture became more relieved and he moved to the green hill. He helped to collect tea and clean the area. He put his scythe and ax on the belt he had made himself to carry the instruments and walked slowly towards the road.

"See you tomorrow," he said to the chief, as he said goodbye.

The man nodded happily. And that gesture cheered Shiromiya too.

Despite everything, it was a good time. He was admired by the people of that city, an example of a man and a father. He was proud of the service he did, and no one would step on it for any obscure reason in the past. There, men looked at him with respect, not with desire or abuse. It was just another person trying to survive.

The wind blew stronger and he put on his coat. Despite being an ordinary day, he loved Saturday nights because Miya and he sat at the table and he saw her doing her schoolwork. And she always taught him something, some kanji[9], and then they spent the night making sentences out of that word. It was a new world for Shiro and he was tremendously grateful to share it with his daughter.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps on the dry leaves. He turned his face, seeing no one on the road. The wind blew stronger and he thought he could have been mistaken, but he also knew that he didn't usually make mistakes.

"Who's there?" He asked aloud, removing the scythe from his waist. " You better show up, because I'm not kidding!"

He took a deep breath, seeking calm. He knew that the risk of being considered a traitor by one of those groups that spread like flies was enormous. A friend of Jiro and a recipient of land in the Agrarian Reform, he had been lucky with the installation of the new government. However, it was not fair to be attacked for it. He never helped Americans, he just enjoyed a right given to a portion of the population. And Shiro didn't want to take any chances. What would become of Miya if something were to happen to him?

"Show up," he ordered again. " Or I'll go after you!"

Suddenly, he heard the footsteps coming from the right side. The person appeared to be fearful, but the shape of his body appeared, behind the trees, before he walked slowly up the road. He stopped in front of Shiromiya, who felt all the air missing, while his heart pounded in his chest.

Ryo Satoshi ...

Shiro hadn't seen him in over five years, but it was like seen him the night before. There was no significant difference in the ex-lover. Maybe his hair was a little longer and some light wrinkles in his eyes ... Ryo still dressed well, socially, as if he were going to an important business meeting. The only difference that drew attention was the emotional eyes on him.

Ryo took two steps towards him, and Shiro took two steps back.

" What you want?"

The sentence came out laden with pain and he reproached himself for his weakness, after all, it had been a long time since he discovered that his love was compensated by contempt. After Ryo, he went through difficult situations, but he survived. At that moment, Shiro knew what it meant to be loved. He found in Miya what he spent his whole life searching for and would never allow himself to receive the rest of the feeling from another person again.

" Shiro ..." the other's murmur shivered.

That voice ... The voice that called him, when he reached the ecstasy of passion. The voice that rocked him on cold nights, but also that had slaughtered him.

" What are you doing here?" He asked, more and more nervous.

Suddenly, he looked to the side, afraid that someone would come and see the scene. He did not want to lose the concept he had achieved, he did not want people to know what he had been forced to do in his childhood.

"I looked for him all over the country," Ryo explained, his voice choking as if he were about to cry. "I mourned his death ... "

" Death?" the eyebrows came together, doubtful.

" You disappeared. I hired detectives, visited countless cities. Until..."

"Look," interrupted him. " I didn't ask you to look for me, so I don't understand why you did it. Now, can you say at once what you want? I'm busy"

And it was true. Miya was taking the drugs in the early evening, and the sunlight was already saying goodbye. Besides, he wanted to be home before the rain.

" I love you."

That confession was a cruel stab in the heart. He felt his legs shake and tears come to his eyes. He vaguely remembered Ryo saying that he was falling in love with him, still at Ai. Then, suddenly, that wonderful day turned into a nightmare that morning in July 1945, when he heard the merchant laughing for Tadao.

"He's just an illiterate prostitute."

He swallowed the principle of crying, telling himself that everything was part of the past. After all, this love has been overcome by time. He had hidden Ryo inside himself and was fighting desperately not to bring him out.

" It was good to see you again, Ryo-san. Have a nice day."

He turned away and continued walking. Suddenly, he realized that the other was following him. He refused to stop.

" I think about you every second since you left me."

He quickened his pace.

" I know you were hurt, but ..."

" Look " he stopped, suddenly, turning his body towards Satoshi. " You are wrong. That, for me, is over. Do you think I have time to be bitter about what is no longer important?"

Ryo reached out to touch him, but he backed away again, while his eyes flashed, menacing. It was like a cornered animal saying, "Don't touch me ." Ryo respected it.

"Come back to me," he asked.

" You are crazy? " He held himself up not to shout. " We haven't seen each other in years, and you still think everything is as it was before?" He started to continue walking, but before he said: "Go back where you came from! If I know you've been talking about me around here, I'll kill you" he raised the scythe and pointed at Ryo. " I fought hard to have peace, and you will not destroy it."

" Never ..."

Shiro then started walking again. His whole body was shaking and he was holding on to a crazy need to cry. Suddenly, he was no longer the brave man who faced a difficult life alone to protect his daughter. He was again the same orphan boy, sold for rice, the same brothel dancer who had been humiliated by the man he loved.

How did Ryo know about him? He thought it might have been from Saito, but Jiro had left that morning in Kyoto, so there would be no time for Ryo to find out about him and appear before his eyes.

He reached the house gate and opened it quickly, longing to go in soon, take a shower, pretend that it hadn't happened. However, when he turned, he came face to face with Ryo.

How had he dared to follow him?

" You did not listen to me?"

" I love you" the other seemed in a trance. " I just want to be with you, I want to prove that my feelings are sincere."

The gate was low, it was at Shiro's waist, so when he closed it, it hit the trader's belly.

" Aren't you ashamed of your face? You got married, didn't you? How do you think your wife would feel to know that you are after a man? Do you not have children? Don't you honor your family?"

" I..."

Suddenly, Ryo was silent. His attention turned to the entrance to Shiromiya's house. The other found the posture strange and turned in that direction. He saw his daughter watching them, a friendly smile on his lips.

" Miya!" He shouted, pointing to the house. " Inside!"

Ryo opened his mouth, gaping.

" Miya?" the tears escaped the eyes.

Shiromiya, however, did not even observe him. The girl didn't move, and he got angry.

" Inside, NOW!" He scolded loudly, and then she came in quickly and closed the door.

So, Shiro turned to the man. He was surprised to see him crying but pretended to ignore it.

" Where did you find her?" Satoshi asked, laughing.

Did he cry and laughs at the same time? It was unbelievable!

" Have you lost your mind?"

" Where? " insisted.

" Sapporo" was sincere. "She's my daughter, I have the record."

" What lie did you tell the Americans? That you had lost the documents in the war?"

"It's not your problem," he roared.

Ryo wanted to get ahead, deny the intention of the words, but the gate stopped him.

"I didn't mean to offend you," he smiled, however, drying his tears. " Just ... I thought she ..."

" Ryo-san, this has gone on too long" Shiro prevented him from approaching, moving away. " You are not welcome to my house. So go away and leave us alone."

Ryo remained standing in the same place.

"I can't live without you," he said sincerely.

" Then kill yourself " finished.

Given this, he walked straight to his house, slamming the door after entering.

***

Kazue went straight to the lamp. He lit it and turned to his daughter, who was looking at him, curious. Shiro spun around, his back to her. He didn't want the little girl to notice how upset he was. Shiro still couldn't believe that reunion, the false words spoken as if they were sincere.

Love?

What did he intend, lying like that? Did he still hold him in such low esteem as to believe that he would fall back into his game of seduction? Shiro shuddered at the questions, his heart hoping that Ryo would leave as soon as he realized he wasn't a prostitute. After all, he had learned from experience that the only thing powerful men like the merchant wanted from people like him was the body.

"It's going to rain," he commented, fighting bravely to keep tears from flooding his face. " I'm going to collect the chickens."

" I already put them in the chicken coop, Otousan " she called affectionately as if wanted to show understanding. "And I already collected the clothes you spread on the clothesline yesterday. Then, I folded them."

Shiromiya smiled at the help. He didn't want Miya to lose her childhood with work, like him. He longed for her to have time to play, to read, to study, and enjoy those important times. But that small attitude had been very beneficial for him, who was physically exhausted from all day's work and psychologically, after meeting with the one he had once loved.

"Thank you," he said, smiling. " Start your lesson, I'm going to take a shower, okay?"

He stood firmly before her gaze. It only collapsed when the door to his small bathroom closed and he could slide onto the floor while the crying took him. He bit his lip, preventing any sound, and reinforced by pressing his callused fingers over his mouth.

As the body shook with sobs, images of his life in Tokyo and Sapporo crossed his mind. By God, he had been so happy and so unhappy there, at the same time. Ryo had shown him heaven and then demoted him to hell. Satoshi had shown him about the delicacy of his feelings, and then he had ravaged him with his rot.

Shiro allowed himself to mourn for a few minutes until he regained self-control, telling himself that he had won, that he had a life, and that he did not miss the touch and passion of the other. But he knew, of course, that he lied. He was fully aware that not a single day had passed since he left him, that he had not thought of Ryo, even reproaching himself for being so foolish, believing that a relationship between them could have been possible.

Then he got up and went to wash. Under the hot water, he told himself several times that he no longer had time to cry for love. He could not fail again, nor hear that small talk from Satoshi, as he was no longer alone and his responsibilities included a sick child.

He left the bathroom, drying his hair. At the table, the daughter seemed to be engrossed in books. After spreading the towel on the table, he went back to the kitchen and started to fiddle with the pots. The sound in the background made it clear that it was beginning to rain hard.

"Let's eat stew again," he warned her.

The girl did not answer, and he watched her.

" Did you hear, Miya?"

She smiled.

" What's it?" he was curious.

"Nothing," she said. " I finished my lesson."

" But always made together ..."

"You look tired, otousan, so I made it myself," she explained.

Shiromiya turned to the soup. He had done it at noon and was only warm. His stomach hurt and he smiled. Anyway, things were as usual ... Surely, when he woke up the next morning, he would face the whole situation as a simple nightmare.

" Did you take the meds?" suddenly, remembered that he hadn't given them to her.

" Yes, otousan. I caught them myself. I am no longer a child."

He smiled at the irritated voice.

"Of course not," he agreed. " You're a responsible young lady."

He turned toward her to ask her how the day went, but he saw the table empty. He looked around the small room and noticed her standing by the door, looking out.

" What are you doing?"

" The man is still there ... " she explained.

Shiromiya was amazed. Then he went to the door and looked out.

Ryo Satoshi remained standing where he had left him, his gaze on the wooden house, his body soaked by the rain.

"That's not our problem." He pulled the child out and locked the door.

" But he'll be sick."

" He's an adult, he knows he can get sick if he stays there" he was firm. " Let's have dinner."

Miya looked at him with eyes overflowing with compassion.

" He's your friend, isn't he? I saw the way you looked at him. Are you angry with him?"

" Ryo-san was very wrong with me, Miya," he said. "And I'm not willing to open space in my life for him again."

" Do you only have bad memories? " insisted. " Nothing that would make you open the door for someone in the rain?"

" Since when are you so worried about people?"

" Otou-san did not answer my question."

What an irascible child!

" Miya ..."

At that moment, lightning struck his home.

"We are not so poor that we cannot offer a plate of soup." She looked like she was about to cry. " It's cold and he looks like it won't go away."

" If I open that door, I might regret it for the rest of my life."

" If it doesn't open, too."

Eight years! She was eight years old! God, at the age of eight, he would never dare to debate with an adult!

" Miya ..." tried.

The little girl's tears came and, at last, he realized that he could not escape. However, strangely, as soon as he reached for the umbrella and left, the crying became a smile. Miya was not normal.

***

Ryo remained standing in the same place, since the door through which Shiromiya entered closed. Even though he wished to get out of that icy wind, a harbinger of a storm, he had been unable to move. He loved Kazue very much, more than he ever imagined, being able to love someone. And Ryo had found him. He knew that Shiro's reaction had been natural to the past they had, but he would not give up.

Kami-sama, he would fight while breathing to get his family back.

And Miya ... Heavens ... Miya ...

All the mistakes made on behalf of the daughter he believed he would never see. How many nights did he cry, blaming himself for killing her before she was even born? However, there she was, with the same audacious look, the same upright posture as one who always has an opinion about everything. He didn't hear his voice, but he knew he was kind and firm. He knew that she was everything he had ever longed for.

Ryo wasn't alone ... he had a family. A family that didn't want him, but he would fight for it.

When the rain started, he felt his body freeze. The thick drops mingled with his unrestrained tears. In seconds, it was soggy. He could die of cold there, but he didn't care ... nothing mattered.

However, the door opened. He noticed Shiromiya coming back to him. Ryo wanted to grab him, kiss him, say a million times how much he loved him. He wanted to embrace his daughter and his love, to pamper them and, after putting Miya to sleep, to lie down with Shiromiya and to vent all his longing in the other's beloved body.

"I'm not doing this for you," Shiro warned, opening the gate. "Miya is a child and doesn't understand that you don't have to stay here, like an imbecile, in front of my house."

Ryo said nothing as he followed him like a dog. He entered the small residence and was amazed at its simple appearance. There was only one room, with two doors on the left that seemed to lead to the bedrooms. On the right side, another door led to the bathroom. In the background, a stove and a cupboard. In the center, a table. In front of her, the girl who was smiling at him.

He felt the tears return and smiled back.

" Hello Miya ..." greeted her, wanting to say many more things. However, he knew he couldn't.

He felt a push in his belly. He looked down and saw a towel.

"Go wash up," Kazue said. "The bathroom is not luxurious like yours, but you can bathe."

Ryo followed him as he opened the door to a small masonry compartment, rough and without any luxury. Shiro left, leaving him alone, but he returned soon, with a pot of hot water that he placed inside a kind of tin bucket hanging on the wall, which served as a shower.

"Just pull that rope and the water comes out," he explained. " Don't delay," he asked. " The food is ready."

As soon as Shiromiya started to leave again, Ryo took him by the arm. The shudder felt like an electric shock and hit both of them. However, the reaction between them was different.

" Never touch me again" the threatening whisper of the former dancer from Ai echoed in Ryo. " If you think I'm for sale, besides being an idiot, you're blind. I was not a prostitute when I went with you to Sapporo, regardless of what you think. I was a boy the fool and believed in your good intentions. I believed you were my friend ..."

Shiro felt like he was going to cry, but he didn't want to give Satoshi that taste, so he pulled his arm again and stepped out, stepping firmly.

When the door closed, Ryo leaned against it and smiled.

" Does he still love me..."