22. Aisha Paul

I was starting to realize why first crushes and loves are legendary.

  It makes you aware of the intricate workings of your heart's auricles and ventricles. When Vibhor casually asked me out on a date, I felt the world spin around me; it felt like I was on a carousel from one of the Final Destination movies and it was a surprise I didn't faint or throw up. He held my hand in the empty corridor, looked deep into my eyes like he was born for this and this purpose only, and asked me if I wanted to meet this Sunday. Sure. Done. Why not? I will go. And hence, I was going.

  It was important for me to kick this out of the park, have a check mark in the box in front of the words 'first date', and move on to achieve great heights from there. I might have been too late for a first date but had I got there quicker than my mother, so that's something.

  Despite what everyone thought of me—I'm often the guide for other girls' first dates—I had never been on a date so I Googled dating etiquettes for girls. It required me to tease but not give in, wear a nice dress but not expose too much lest I wanted to come across as slutty. Talk but not talk too much, be interested in him and smile and acknowledge his achievements, his job, etc., try and pay the bill but don't try too hard . . . there were way too many rules!

  There was absolutely no chance of me following those rules because a) they didn't seem to make any sense and b) how would I remember all of them?

  So like every person with a sane mind, I did the next logical thing—I decided to go on a test date to see if these rules made any sense. I called up my student counsellor and asked him if he would meet me for I had to talk to him urgently. It's an emergency, I told him. Reluctantly, he agreed.

  I waited for him in the mall, hiding near the washroom because I didn't want to be there before time. 'It reeks of desperation,' the dating manual had said. Though we had decided to meet at the TGIF, I knew I wouldn't be able to pay if I ordered anything more than a basic salad without chicken. The dating rules said the boy should pay, which seemed cute and wrong at the same time.

  He was there at the precise time, hands in pocket, chewing gum, in his track pants, making me feel immensely overdressed in my only little black dress. I almost made up my mind to go back home to change into a pair of jeans and T-shirt.

  I waited for ten minutes after he took his seat near the window and then entered the restaurant, just like what the dating doctor had ordered.

&nbs 

p; 'Hi!' I said, brightly, as if it was a surprise he was there.

  'Hi.' He seemed rather anxious. 'What happened? Anything serious?' He looked me up and down and up, confused. 'You said you wanted to talk. And why are you so dressed up?'

  'That's what people do on dates, right?' I said, as I sat down and smiled. I didn't want to freak him out or anything.

  'What? What are you talking about?'

  'This is a date,' I said, and smiled again though it didn't seem to put him at ease at all. 'No! Don't go! It's not that kind of date, sir. It's only a practice date, just to get my basics right before an actual date.' His jaw was still open and he was still standing.

  'What's happening here? Is this a prank or something? Is someone recording this?'

  'Actually, Vibhor has asked me out and I have never been out on a date. So I need firsthand experience. I need to be smashing good at it. So I thought who better to guide me through it than you! You know? Guidance? You're my guidance—'

  'I know the words, Aisha.'

  'Okay! Then it's a date.'

  'Give me your home number,' he said.

  'No, no. Don't call my mom.'

  'School rules say if I decide to meet a student outside school, the parents need to know.'

  'No they don't! The school is stupid. You know that, of course.'

  'Give me the number,' he said sternly.

  'Remember, I told you my mother tried killing herself once,' I said instinctively.

  'Yes, you did, but you never told me why.'

  'It's a long story.'

  'You either tell me the story or I'm calling your mother.'

  I looked down and told him about the incident. I decided to fake cry to elicit sympathy but real tears flowed abundantly and soon I was sobbing loudly, attracting a lot of attention. Just the way any first date should go. Perfect.

  He quietened me down. Like he just sat there and made a sorry face and said nothing. Much better than people telling me that it's going to be okay as if they studied medicine and they have a cure for my mother.

I'm sorry. I just meant to tell you the real story and then fake my tears so you don't call her.'

  He laughed and then so did I.

  'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh,' he said.

  'It's okay.'

  Once I shut up and wiped my face, he said, 'Give me your mother's email ID. I will mail her notifying about this. I hope she doesn't check her mail?'

  This man was brilliant. I smiled, and not the creepy psychopath smile I had been assaulting him with before. He typed out a mail and hit 'send'. Next, he buried himself in the menu and ordered himself a salad and a vodka. Clearly, I was not paying for this date.

  'I will have the same,' I said to the waiter.

  'Without the vodka,' he said and waved the waiter away. 'You're too young for that. And this isn't a date. Don't call it that. You're seventeen.'

  'So?'

  'That's illegal.'

  'Bella was seventeen and Edward was a hundred years old!' I protested.

  'I'm not an undead, sparkly vampire.'

  'Fine. But you still need to tell me what exactly people do on dates? Like how's it different? Like what do they do?' I said.

  'They talk.'

  'About what?'

  'Depends on who they are talking to,' he said. 'If they really like the person, they open up, otherwise they gossip, talk about pubs and movies they went to, their annoying friends, take selfies and look into their phones and text people who are not sitting in front of them.'

  I was taking notes. He was rather knowledgeable about these things. This was a good idea.