Chapter 12: Misconception

Chapter 12: Misconception

~o~

I went against the flow, calmly—sluggishly—moving as I did while ladies and gentlemen walked passed me to head to the main hall where a daughter of the lord of the castle had fainted. Everyone wanted to see the commotion, and that chaos allowed me to slip away. I had grabbed an overcoat from a Lannister noble and wore it in such a way that the fineries of my clothes were only visible in the front, not enough for nobles to notice me but at just the right angle that the servants wouldn't stop me. Without the obvious glare of golden lion embroideries on red cloth, I wasn't so obvious to attract attention as I made my way through the hallway.

Stealth Hikki. It was a technique that I had created in my past life after meditating for weeks on my unpopularity and turning it into a sharpened weapon of mass destruction. The ingenuity of this awe-inspiring technique was that it didn't rely on sticking to the shadows like an assassin. It instead focused on walking in plain sight. Walking with a purposeful but steady gait, not too fast to draw eyes but not too slow to seem out of place; retaining a bored but forward-seeing expression that one would only spare a glance at and never meeting eye-contact by skillful timing of shutting your eyes; and suppressing your presence through a compression of your profile, leaning forward to appear as a person more used to bowing and back-breaking work, thus lowering your status on the totem pole of society's hierarchy. Only through simultaneous application of all these skills could one achieve the technique of Stealh Hikki. No, it would be more wiser to call it a state of being, an ethereal phase akin to enlightenment and—

"E-excuse me?"

I stopped. Even though they had pierced through the veil of my concealment, I was prepared; one always had to be prepared for all scenarios by having a repertoire of excuses such as getting lost while trying to find the restroom. As I turned around, the words on my lips turned to dust. My mouth dried up, and I was left staring at what could only be the most beautiful creature I had ever laid my eyes on. Picturesque eyebrows, drawn on a small, perfect face that was partially by a stock of short, silken hair that glistened in the torchlight. Wide gray eyes stared at me, full of passion, while the slightly troubled smile that laid on supple lips made a delightful shiver run down my spine. It was a face and an expression that seemed so out of this world that my breath was taken away. My heart was trembling. It had been a long time since I was so moved. There was only one problem.

She…or he was wearing a male tunic.

"You…" I pretended to cough into my fist, trying to regain my composure. "Did you need me for something?"

"Do you…" She—he paused momentarily with illusionary flowers framing her—him in the background. "Do you know what a Hikigaya is?"

"Oi! Don't say my family name like it's an ob…ject…? Wait, how do you know that name?!"

"It is you!" She—he clapped her—his hands excitedly. Damn it, was he an actually girl or not?! Wait, this wasn't the time to debate that. Didn't she—he say something earth-shattering just now?

"Who are you?"

"It's me," the gender anomaly said. "Totsuka Saika."

That thunderous name echoed in my ears. Totsuka Saika. The sole flower of my grade, the healing balm of the school. Back then, he was so supernaturally cute that, despite being male, he could be considered the most blossoming flower of the entire school. A flower where, even though you knew he was a venus flytrap, his sweet scent had sent an entire classroom into confusion. Indeed, there were many occasions that I had nearly went down the wrong path because of him.

As I stared at him now, dressed in a male tunic, I felt the corruption of the world once again. Why?! Why did he have to be born male? Was there no justice in the universe?

"I'm not." Totsuka frowned, but even frowning, he was unbearably cute. What was this woodland creature? "I'm a girl now, but I have the heart of a man!"

I take it all back. There is justice in this world. Is this the will of Stein's Gate?!

"That's great." I dropped my hands onto her shoulder. "Marry me?"

"No!" Totsuka blushed heavily as she turned her head to the side. "I'm…I'm a man!"

"But you're physically female, right?"

"I'm a man at heart!"

"Then everything is—"

I felt something hit my stomach and looked down. There was dagger stabbed into where my belly was. The hands that were holding it were dainty and could only belong to the person in front of me.

"Totsuka…"

This would have been more dramatic, with far more feelings of betrayal, if it wasn't for the fact that she couldn't push the dagger's blade past the chainmail and leather jerkin I wore, hidden underneath my clothes. As it was, the tip didn't even touch my skin. She grunted as she made a show of putting her weight behind the dagger, but there didn't seem to be any visible results.

"What are you doing, Totsuka?"

"Stop resisting!" Even as she grunted from her exertion of effort, she had tears at the corners of her eyes, moving my heart more than it was moving her dagger. Not that I was resisting at all in the first place; the leather and chainmail was doing all the work. "If I kill you, we can go back home."

"Home?"

"Japan!" Totsuka was still on the verge of tears. I really couldn't bring my sight away. "We can all be together again with everyone, and I'll be a boy again."

"Who told you this?"

"The…the old lady who brought me here," Totsuka said. "She said you weren't supposed to be here, but if I killed you, she would send both of us back."

"And you believed her? How do you know she wasn't lying?"

"She brought me here!" Totsuka finally released the dagger, letting it dangle off my clothes as if it was an actor's prop. "She said she chose me because I defeated you many times. I don't remember doing that, but if it brought you home, I was willing to do it."

Well, that old woman certainly wasn't wrong, just not in the way she was thinking of. Just what kind of half-assed method was she using? Was it a divination ritual to find the one who had beaten me countless times? Find my arch nemesis? Well, it was true on both accounts; I had never won against Totsuka.

I pulled out the dagger. It was ritualistic looking, but there wasn't even blood on the tip. Truly, the only person who could defeat Totsuka was Totsuka herself.

"Wording is important. From what it sounds like, she was probably going to send us back, but she wouldn't be resurrecting us in the process. We would still be dead."

"No way…" Totsuka collapsed onto her knees, her eyes turning hollow as tears freely flowed down.

Huh…

That was sort of unexpected. She trusted me so much that she immediately believed my speculation as truth and fact. I even prefaced it with "from what it sounds like" to make sure it didn't go that way, but she didn't seem to even notice it. As expected of Totsuka?

"Oi, come on. Get up before someone sees. There's already enough rumors going around about me after earlier." I reached out a hand. Totsuka hesitated for a moment before grabbing it, letting me pull her up. After she was standing, I used my thumb to wipe the tear trails on her cheek. "If you come out looking like—"

Wait, what was I doing? I quickly retracted my hand as I felt my cheeks heat up.

"S-sorry about that."

"It's okay." Totsuka wiped her cheeks and eyes with her sleeves, a smile on her lips. "I guess it'd look bad if dad saw you cause two of his dau—children trouble."

"What? Dad?"

"Oh, I forgot to introduce myself." Totsuka tried her best to do a manly bow, but it looked more like a cute imitation than anything else. "I'm Sasha of House Hightower. That girl from before was my sister, Malora."

"H-Hachi Lannister," I said distractedly. So that other girl was a Hightower too. This was going to be troublesome.

"You mean Hachi of House Lannister," Totsuka said with a giggle on the end. She pressed her fingers together and tilted her head.

"…right." The feminine power of Totsuka was too much to behold. "Marry me?"

"Stop joking, Hachiman. I'm still a man."

"Right, a joke." I felt like crying on the inside. "I wonder if you can see Zaimokuza."

"Oh, he's here too?" Totsuka clapped her hands together. "Where is he?"

"Just need a torch."

~o~

Maybe this wasn't a good idea. I was alone with Totsuka in a bedroom. Or more specifically, Totsuka's bedroom. If there was anything that could convince me that she was girl, it was this room. There were embroideries that were hanging on the wall, plush dolls filled with what I hoped were feathers, and a bed filled with frills and a curtained canopy. Yep, this was definitely Totsuka's bedroom. Though, it did have less tennis memorabilia than I thought. Well, considering that tennis didn't exist here, it was reasonable enough, but was a Totsuka without tennis really a Totsuka?

I took a glance to the cute, petite, tunic-wearing girl sitting next to me on the bed. Yes, yes, she was Totsuka. No doubt about that. Absolutely no doubt.

"Are you sure about this?" I asked, more just to say something rather than to get confirmation.

"I'm ready," Totsuka said with a determined look on her face. This expression was good too.

"Then here we go." I reached over…

…and lit the small brazier sitting on the table in front of us. Fire emanated from my palm, setting the bowl ablaze.

"So cool!" Totsuka was staring at my hand with a sparkle in her eyes.

Showing off had never been so rewarding. Before I could say anything, the flames began to consolidate into a more solid head.

"Cool?" The flaming head came with puffy cheeks and rectangular glasses. "Is that Totsuka I hear?!"

"So you don't know about this?" I pointed my thumb at Totsuka.

"Wow! This is so cool!" Totsuka clapped her hands excitedly. "Hachiman said that I might not be able to see or hear you, but I can."

I know nothing about this. I swear," Zaimokuza said. Well, this confirmed it. Totsuka could hear Zaimokuza when others couldn't, even Melisandre. Was it because we had been touched by the magical and the divine? "Besides, if it was my choice, I'd have chosen someone who could help out more like Yukinoshita."

"Which sister?" I asked.

"Either one."

Yukino was somewhat manageable, but imagining Haruno being here would probably ruin me. In more ways than one.

"Now!" A finger made of flame appeared in front of Zaimokuza's flaming face. He pointed at Totsuka. "Reveal thy origins!"

"Ah? W-well, it all began when…"

Usually, this would be the part where I summary the overly long monologue into a few bite-sized sentences. However, this was not the case this time. The reason for that was because I was distracted by Totsuka's cuteness. Her overly emotional expressions that seemed to border on exaggeration as she practically relived the entire experience was the cause of many cuteness-induced mental overloads. Had I been a lesser man than who I was, I would have overheated and fainted on the spot. Therefore, I had to have Zaimokuza retell the story to me since he was somehow immune to Totsuka's overwhelming charm. Probably on account of him being the magical equivalent of a god.

"So our androgynous friend, Ranmaru—"

"That's not his name."

"Totsuka Saika," Zaimokuza corrected. "He was visited by an old decrepit lady. And I mean decrepit like crazy. More bone than bags. Liver spots on the skin, wizened face, crow feet around the eyes—"

"Focus."

"Right, right. So she was carrying a lantern. Not a modern lantern, but one from the medieval ages. The type you see around here."

"Zaimokuza…"

"I'm getting to it." He waved a flaming hand, as if to wave away my interruptions. "She's the old Crone. The lantern is her symbol."

"That seems…a bit too obvious."

"The Crone is wise enough that she knows it'd be pointless to hide; she would have been seen by too many Earth gods on the way in. I'll check with some gods and goddesses just to make sure," Zaimokuza said. "Her worshipers say that she's old and wise, but I'm older than her. Though more handsome than her. And suave. With roguish good looks and a flair for the—"

"Stop. Get on topic, Zaimokuza." If I didn't interrupt him now, I had a feeling he would go on for at least a few more minutes. "Besides, where can you find a woman who is handsome and suave with roguish good looks? It's hard to find woman with more of those qualities since those are terms to describe a guy."

"I believe in gender equality."

"That doesn't apply to language."

There was a retort coming, but a giggle from Totsuka stopped us both in our tracks. Glancing over, I saw Totsuka smiling wiping a tear from the corner of her eye.

"This reminds me of all the fun times we had at the club with everyone." After a moment, her smile began to fade. "Do you think that we'll get home?"

I was tongue-tied just from looking at her expression. As much as I wanted to protect Totsuka's smile, I couldn't lie about this. Not about this. I gave a glance at the somber expression on Zaimokuza's flaming face, and he nodded solemnly in return.

"It's not possible." The silence that followed his silence was deafening. I glanced worriedly at Totsuka. "Well, actually, it is kind of possible."

"Wait, what?!" My head spun to him so fast that it felt like it was going to fly off my neck. "Why didn't you tell me of this?!"

"Because convincing the gods and goddesses to let you back in is almost impossible," Zaimokuza said. "It only takes one of them to bring you in, but the rest of them won't let it slide. It isn't the first time it has happened, and when it does, that person would cause an upheaval with their supernatural ability or magic. Now, the gods of Earth are wary enough that once you're in, most of them will try to kill you. I could maybe convince or bribe a good portion of them, but all of them? That's too hard. If you go back, you wouldn't have a peaceful life."

"No way…" Totsuka collapsed on her knees. "That can't be…"

I turned away. I wasn't strong enough to face her crying face. If I kept looking at it, I would probably do something stupid, something I would regret.

"Will we ever see them again?" Totsuka's hopeful tone made me grit my teeth.

"I could pull them over with a little more power, but do you really want to bring them here? This world isn't a good place to live in."

"You brought me here," I said.

"What? You want me to let you die young and be washed away into the wheel of reincarnation? That'd have been a waste!" A flaming fist appeared in front of Zaimokuza, thrusting up. "The best friend of a grand god like me is meant for greater things than being reborn without your memories as the spoiled daughter of a hospital tycoon."

"Wait, I was going to be reincarnated as a girl? How would you even know that?"

"I think you'd look pretty as a girl," Totsuka chipped in.

"I may have spent a little extra prayer power under the table to check out where you were headed to. Just a little tiny bit extra."

"…how much extra?"

"You worry too much about the future! All that matters is the present." Zaimokuza subtly turned his eyes away. "…except for the zombie apocalypse, of course."

"Of course," I deadpanned. After a moment, I sighed. There was only so much Zaimokuza I could take in a day. "So what about Totsuka?

"Huh? What about me?" Totsuka cutely looked up from where she was sitting with those curious doe eyes. T-too moe. How could someone be so entrancing without even trying to was something that I would never understand.

"…just trying to figure out what we should do now."

"Before that, we have to figure out her purpose in full. That old Crone is supposed to be the embodiment of wisdom, but if she thinks going against me is wise, she'll have another thing coming to her." Zaimokuza turned to Totsuka. "How old are you?"

"Twelve."

"So just one year younger than Hikigaya. That means in the span of one year, she found out about you and sent an assassin. Well, time isn't synchronized between the two realms so there might be some issues with that, but it works." Zaimokuza paused. "…in a roundabout way. She could have sent a zealot, but instead, she took Totsuka from the other world and reincarnated him—her. Unless…" He snapped his flaming fingers. How flames could produce a snap sound was beyond me. "She didn't know who you are here, Hachiman. I mean, she knew who you were in the other world—probably bribed the same god I bribed—but she couldn't find you here so she found someone you knew. Someone who could recognize you."

Could it really be that convenient? Well, I couldn't really think of anything to poke holes into that theory, though I was more surprised that he managed to think it up in the first place. He must have noticed my confusion because he smirked.

"I'm like a detective now. I should call myself Z to protect my identity, otherwise they might write my name in a black notebook."

"I don't even know what you're referencing now."

"Meh, it doesn't matter. I suppose being a god is better than being a detective anyways." Zaimokuza glanced at Totsuka, ignoring the fact that both classifications were not mutually exclusive. "Have you had any contact with that old Crone since then?"

Totsuka shook her head.

"Then you're a throwaway piece. She's not expecting much from you except for finding Hachiman." Zaimokuza tapped his flaming chin. "I have to turn the chessboard around." A fiery chessboard appeared with all the pieces already arranged on the board. The fact that they were all orange-red from the flame made it impossible to figure out which side was black and which side was white. With a wave of his hand, the chessboard spun around, which didn't really change anything since they were all of the same color. "If Hachiman is my Queen—"

"Hey!" It was more than a little disturbing, in light of the fact that I was supposed to be reincarnated as a female.

"Yeah, you're right. You can't really fight like a Queen. I guess you're the King since you have people and money to fight for you."

Just because I hadn't been practicing my spear-fighting didn't mean that I was helpless. Still, that was only my internal grumbles since I really couldn't voice that out without it sounding as if I actually was that helpless. Which, in a way, was sort of true.

"Totsuka would be a knight, hopping around everywhere in the hopes of finding something."

"You…don't know how to play chess, do you?"

"I did learn how to play," Zaimokuza protested. "I even bought a chess set with all the pieces being battleship girls."

"Have you ever actually played with anyone?"

"Does playing against myself count?

"No."

"Then no."

"I'll play with you," Totsuka charitably said.

"A god does not need pity!" Zaimokuza shouted, flinging out his flaming hands and flipping the chessboard over. The pieces were stuck on the fiery board, even upside down. He then, calmly and quietly, flipped it right-side up. "But I'll accept it because you're cute."

"If your followers heard that, they would be spitting out blood," I said.

"Well, it's a good thing only reincarnators can hear me! That means I can say whatever I want." He began to laugh uproariously.

"I don't see a difference from how you usually act."

"It's the spirit of it, Hachiman! The spirit!" Zaimokuza swung his fist upward again.

"How did we even get on this topic?" Every time I speak to Zaimokuza, everything always seemed to spiral into nonsense. Nonetheless, there was a sense of nostalgia tinged with it, that reminded of my old life. In a way, it helped me keep a sense of myself alive, that part of me that was Hikigaya Hachiman rather than Hachi Lannister. "What do we do about the Crone?"

If I thought about it logically, there was not much that could be done. The Crone was only one of the Seven so if they outright retaliated against her, the other six would get involved. Still, by the response so far, it was more like she was responding to the intrusion on her territory. After all, the only stronghold of the Seven was in Westeros. The rest of the world believed in different religions, one of the more prominent ones being the Red Faith. The potential ramifications of a religious war would be tremendous, similar enough in scale to a inter-continental invasion. That would be terrible even without the threat of a zombie apocalypse hanging over our heads. That meant that the only thing we could do was just to be vigilant—

"I'll just talk to her," Zaimokuza said with a casual wave of her hand. "I could probably get her to back off if I promise her a date."

What.

"I know that look, but don't worry. She doesn't always look like an old lady. She can change her form too."

"That wasn't what I was thinking about!"

Zaimokuza stared at me through his flame image with practically question marks all over his face. Totsuka was the same. I could ignore the godly chuunibyou, but I couldn't ignore Totsuka.

"If you knew about this, why didn't you take care of it before?"

"Because I'm as pure and unsullied as snow."

"For thousands of years? I can see why you're a god now."

"I'll have you know that I'm popular! Even the Maiden once flirted with me."

"Did she?" I asked skeptically.

"Indeed, she did! But the Crone found out and scared her away." Zaimokuza let out a sigh which came out as a puff of smoke. "She's not only a stalker but also the yandere type." He shook his flaming head in resignation. "You wouldn't believe how creepy her shrine of me is, and she always had a jealousy streak against the Maiden. Still, after my time in Japan, I feel that I have become more tolerant of that kind of thing…"

I stared blankly at him.

"Still, we're talking about gods and goddesses here. This isn't like mortal relationships; this is eternity we're talking about here. Once I give in, there's no coming back." Zaimokuza rubbed his chin. "Then again, I could pull a Zeus and play with mortals, but I was never really into harems. There's not enough character development when you have too many love interests vying for screen time."

I didn't want to even process what he was saying, but I did anyways. Maybe that was why I could feel the expression on my face dropping with every moment his mouth was flapping.

"There can be only one true pairing. In that case, the more deviant it is, the better. The main pairing is usually super normal and therefore, uninteresting. It's the crazy side characters that invoke sympathy and interests. In that sense, the old Crone may be the best pairing of all…!" Zaimokuza was holding his flaming head with his disembodied hands, as if reeling from the revelation.

"Just… Do whatever you want," I finally said. "I don't need more trouble from her."

"Trust me. When I'm through, she'll be helping us," Zaimokuza said confidently. "Or at least, she'll keep the other six busy. She's not called wise for nothing, though she's not as wise as me."

"…I am beginning to think this is a bad plan."

"Trust me."

I could already tell that this wouldn't end well.

After that, there were a few more things that were discussed, but it was mostly just to update Totsuka on the situation with the world. In the end, I cited my tiredness and headed back to my bedroom, even as they continued their discussion.

~o~

I was standing on the balcony outside the guest bedroom that I had been assigned, looking out at the sight. While it couldn't compare to a sight that you might see from the Tokyo Tower, the fact that there were still torches about in the buildings beyond gave it a scenic view. Not that I was paying attention to it; I had far too much on my mind. About the world and about me.

People were not made to care about a number of people greater than ten at one time. That was just required too much empathy. The best kind of person in the sort of position needed to save everyone from a zombie apocalypse would be someone that could view humans as a statistic, but I…

I couldn't do that.

I wasn't a chuunibyou. I didn't have the grand illusion that I could save everyone, that I could push humanity through to survival.

That was why I was glad when I found out that there was another one, another person that made the journey to this world. Glad that I wasn't alone.

And then I was disappointed that it was Totsuka.

Despite the fact that I knew I should have been glad, I couldn't help but think that Yukinoshita would have been better. If it was her, I could off-load all my worries and stress, all this workload of saving the world. I wasn't made for this. I wasn't made to deal with the fate of the world on my shoulders. Even though it would be decades from now and it still felt far away, I knew that time was relative to perception. If I didn't do anything now, then nothing would happen in the future. Everyone that I know would die horrible deaths. Zombies taking a bite out of you wasn't the most ideal way to go.

I wasn't made for this. Years ago, I had already started numerous threads that would sprout and blossom in time. In spite of that, I felt doubt with myself. Could I see this through to the end? If I closed my eyes, I could imagine a little girl getting a bite taken out of her by her zombie father. The thought disgusted me, and yet, even if I did all that I could, some scenes like that would definitely happen regardless. Could I just write them off as numbers? As part of the statistical death toll? I couldn't. Even if they were on the other side of this continent, I wouldn't be able to look at them as another plus one on a chart. Humanity would win if there was a big enough portion left that they could repopulate the world, but in my eyes, that was too small of a number.

Maybe it was my gamer nature, that part that urged me to reload a save if even one of my party members died, that wanted to get a perfect rating, to have no one die.

It was that same nature that made me wholly unsuitable for this task.

This job.

I was only a high school student, reincarnated into a place with such a lower standard of education that it made elementary students seem like scholars. For me, a loner who was on the edge of becoming a NEET, could any task be as unsuitable for me as this one? If Yukinoshita was here, she would have been able to handle it.

She would be willing to sacrifice the few for the many. She would be able to do what needed to be done.

And it would break her.

My hands tightened into fists.

I knew. I knew that despite the strong front that she put on, she was one of the most fragile; this would destroy her. Could I condemn her to such a fate?

I was clenching my fists so tightly that, if this was an anime, my fingernails would have cut into my palm to make them bleed or my knuckles would have whitened. However, this wasn't a fantasy that I could get lost in; this was reality. This was my world now, and if I didn't do anything, one of the next casualties could be Totsuka.

Fact of the matter was, Totsuka couldn't help me. If there was a worst person for this job, it would be her.

Of course, I had to use her. The food production of Old Town was not to be underestimated, and yet, I also doubted she had much—if any—control over it. She was so far down the line of children that it was impossible, and that wasn't even accounting for the fact that she was born female in this world. Not to mention that Old Town was the center of a religious movement that was in opposition to the Red Faith. That limited how much I could influence such a place.

In the end, there was no benefit to taking her as my wife.

Even though I wanted so much to protect her smile. Even though I knew she may eventually be forced into a relationship. Even though… Even though…!

What do I do?

What was I supposed to do?

Was I even supposed to do anything? It wasn't like Totsuka had any feelings for me.

Should I even do anything? I shouldn't, should I?

Or rather, I didn't have the confidence to try anything. What held me back before was that Totsuka was a boy. My mental conversation would go like this:

"Cuter than any girl."

"…but he's a guy."

"With a mannerism that is intensely feminine."

"…but he's a guy."

"With a body so slender that you can't help but try to protect it."

"…but he's a guy."

"It's incredibly hot today."

"…but he's a guy."

I no longer had this excuse. In that sense, I should be doing something about it, but…

I opened my eyes and stared out at the sight before me.

If Totsuka had been a girl back in Japan, would I have confessed to her?

The answer is no.

The cuter and more beautiful they were, the further out of reach they were. That was an universal ratio, one that could only be undercut by money and luck. Of course, I had gold, but I wasn't about to force Totsuka into something like this.

More than that, I had a larger stake in this world now. With how the Westerlands was situated, if I fail to hold the line against the Walkers, there was no question to what the fate of the Reach would be. If that happened, then Totsuka…

I closed my eyes. It wasn't a pleasant thought, but even before Totsuka entered the picture, I was already resolved to do something about it. It was just that it now felt more imperative, more closer to home if that made any sense. It was a bit callous, since that was essentially ignoring the existence of my family and the people under my house's rule, but I couldn't help feeling that way. Totsuka felt like a piece of my home in Japan, and that one thought was enough to feel precious. If it had been another countryman, would I have felt the same? If it had been Hayama, would I—

Nah, that riajuu should just go get bitten by a zombie. After all, it was always those conceited, ridiculously good-looking Justice-talkers who always die first in a zombie apocalypse. It was perfectly reasonable for him to be the first, second, and third casualty.

The problems with trying to reform everything to make it better suited to repel an invasion by the Others was the fact that I wasn't in a good position to do so and I wasn't the right person for the job. What I needed was power and authority. In any good transmigration light novel, the one with higher authority was usually incompetent. For example, a king that was a failure at ruling and thus ceded his throne to the summoned hero. Or perhaps a family head that simply nodded his head and allowed any reform to go through, knowing that he was inferior to his descendant. That simply wasn't the case here.

The problem was that Tywin Lannister was just too good, too excellent in what he does. Even if I somehow appeared more excellent than him, I would simply be viewed as a prodigal son; I would never be someone with higher authority than him. Therefore, he would scrutinize my actions and proposals, rejecting them on the slightest thing that he may deem a "flaw." Even when he would allow something to go through, he would only allow it to be implemented on a smaller scale, to see if it actually would work. The fact that it could take years, especially for something related to crops, made this a tedious endeavor. This tied my hands greatly.

The second issue was that I wasn't suited for the job. I wasn't a leader. I wasn't someone who could get people to follow me through the power of my charisma and words. In fact, it was more likely that I would make them my enemies. If I had neither power nor money, I doubted they would pay attention to me. As such, I would not be able to gather talent.

It would be impossible for me to make changes, to see them all carried out in accordance with my wishes, if I could not get able people who I could trust to oversee it all. To an extent, money could help, but those that could be bought with money were not ones who could be trusted. All it would take would be one well-placed betrayal, and my house of cards would fall.

Haven't I read all those news stories of those players in MMORPGs who rise up to vice guild leader position and then proceed to steal everything in their guild's treasury?

I didn't have the charisma or the force of personality to bring people of talent to me nor retain their loyalty. All I had was money, and that would only go so far. There was a limit to what temporary help money could buy, and there was a limit to what I could do alone.

"Are you sulking again, Hachiman?"

The voice snapped me out of my thoughts. Turning around, I found Totsuka standing in the middle of my room. It was obvious that the guards had let her in—and it was obvious what they had been thinking. Rumors would be going around, especially since a lady of noble birth had entered privately into the bedroom of a gentleman of noble birth. Knowing Totsuka, she probably didn't even take that into account. She walked up to the balcony I was leaning my back on and looked out. I turned to see if there was something out of the ordinary, but it was the same scenery as before.

"You always do that," Totsuka said, voice full of nostalgia. "Only relying on yourself. Carrying the burden and the backlash by yourself."

I didn't reply as I pursed my lips.

"You work to solve problems. More than that, you succeed at solving them." Totsuka's tone became wistful as her eyes cast downward. "But you always pay the price, whatever the cost, by yourself."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying that I'm here." Totsuka turned to me and pressed a hand to her chest. "You don't have to do this alone."

"If we go by your logic, then the price would be too much for two people," I responded. "The math doesn't add up. If you are going to multiply by zero, the number in the equation won't matter. Why sacrifice two people when one person would work out better?"

"Hachiman…" Totsuka stared up at me with unshed tears in the corner of her eyes. The sight was too much for me so I turned my gaze away. Just a glance was enough to shake my willpower.

"Don't look at me like that. It's better to have plus one in the end rather than zero."

"I won't let you." Totsuka stepped up to me and placed her hands on my cheek, forcefully turning my head to stare straight at her. "I couldn't—no, I didn't do anything before. That was my mistake, my regret. I won't make the same mistake again."

It would be easy to fall for her. A beautiful girl under the moonlight, touching my face with her hands. It would be so easy. However, that was the misconception. A man could easily misconstrue a situation on lesser things. If I swooped in, thinking that it was something more, my only reward would be a slap. Totsuka wasn't seducing me; it was just how Totsuka was. I separated her hands from my cheeks.

She looked up at me, expecting an answer. If I was Hayama, I would have told her that I would rely on her, that I needed her. However, I was a monster of logic. While Hayama would try to include even the most useless of party members like Tobe, I wasn't like that. If I said those words, they would just that. Empty words.

There was just not much that she could do. Her position in the family was far too low, considering the amount of older siblings she had. Not to mention that in this medieval era, women weren't considered highly, even though I had heard that the head of House Hightower was a bit different from the norm. That wasn't even getting into the fact that Oldtown was firmly under the jurisdiction of the Seven. From a status perspective, House Hightower—while a strong house—did not have control over the Reach. The only house that came close was House Tyrell, but even their control was more of an alliance that was closer to tradition than anything else. Not like the control that House Lannister had over the Westerlands. If Tywin ordered it, any house in the Westerland could easily be crushed with almost no opposition. That was the legacy that he built, a legacy that I would eventually inherit.

As the silence lingered, I could see the conflict sprouting in her eyes. The frown that tugged at her lips. The small, clenched fists. Yeah, I wasn't doing a good job of protecting her smile. I opened my suddenly dry mouth.

"Don't worry about it."

Knuckles met my cheek. Despite the intention of her swing, of her fist meeting my face, I only moved my face slightly to the side, more to accommodate my vision rather than from the impact of her move. Totsuka just lacked the strength to do any further. If this was Japan, then Totsuka would have had the strength she built up from her tennis practice. However, in this world, I doubted that she could play sports often, if at all.

Her fist, stuck to my face, was trembling. Her watery eyes were glaring at me. However, I hardened my heart; I had made my stance clear.

I wouldn't give out false hope. I couldn't. The more she tried, the more detrimental her position would be. If I took her with me, would she satisfied with simply giving me moral support, cheering me on from the audience? No, she would try to do more, and the more she tried, the more risks she would take. If her place here was worse, maybe I would have done it, but if I only just looked at Malora Hightower who was still allowed to stay unmarried despite her older age, I could see the policy that the head of House Hightower had. She would be fine here. I couldn't allow her to become more at risk.

Blame me. Hate me.

There was only one person that needed to bear the blame, and that was me.

I ruefully smirked. Despite the fist pressing against my cheek, I opened my mouth to speak, but she was faster than me.

"That's enough, Hachiman." Her fist opened up, her fingers trailing across my skin in the process. She placed her hand on my cheek, staring at me with sympathetic eyes. Eyes that felt like it was burning me.

"What are you talking ab—"

"I said, that is enough," Totsuka said, staring into my eyes. Even when I tried to turn my gaze away, she moved a step in that direction so that she was in my vision again. "You're doing it again. Hurting yourself for no reason at all."

"It's not for no reason."

"Stop it, Hachiman. It's enough." Totsuka stepped in closer and wrapped her arms around me, pressing the side of her face into my chest. "It's enough."

In spite of myself, I raised my arms to wrap around her, to pull her in close, to feel that—for once—I wasn't alone. However, my arms stopped in the middle of the motion. Instead, my hands landed gently on her shoulders, and I moved her away from me. She looked up questioningly at me, even as my hands stayed on her slender shoulders.

I opened my mouth to speak, but I had no words to say.

Instead, I gave in. My arms wrapped around her frail body. I shouldn't be doing this, but my emotions were fickle. Since I fell this far, I decided to just go as far as I could.

"Marry me?"

"I'm sorry. I only think of you as a friend. Besides, aren't we both guys at heart?"

With her ear pressed against my chest, I was pretty sure that she clearly heard that useless organ in there breaking apart.

As expected.

~o~

A/N: It's funny how the longer I am on hiatus, the harder it is to come back. It feels like it is easier to make a new story than to return to one that has stalled. Probably the same reason it is easier to start a new game than to go back to an old save file. Just some musing that I had while I was proof reading this chapter.