Chapter 10

The hospital had a seductive safety to it. While Leigh was in the hospital, she didn't have to worry about anything. Powerful medications kept the voices at bay. They kept her feelings at bay too. She didn't have to deal with how much she had disappointed Jim. She didn't have to think about anything.

Dr. Hallace and the nurses at Thompson Psychiatric pushed and prodded. They made her talk. They made her feel. If she had the energy she'd have hated them for it.

Leigh wasn't sure how long it was before the fog started lifting. The staff told her it was only a week or so, but it felt longer - like she'd been on this journey forever.

"I feel like a lost soul in Hades," she said to Dr. Hallace. "There is nothing around me but endlessness. It isn't even suffering. It's just... space. I reach for an emotion or a memory and it feels so damned far away. By the time I reach it, it's just dust."

"Your brain chemistry has been all over the place," Dr. Hallace said, "It's going to take a bit for it to settle down and for you to make the connections again."

"So how long?"

"It's impossible to say." Dr. Hallace leaned back in his chair. "For whatever reason, your brain doesn't have the same mix of chemicals as everybody else. You see things differently, feel things differently. It's harder for you to connect with positive feelings, because you don't feel them as strongly. It isn't uncommon in depression as severe as yours for there to be psychotic episodes. Stress makes it more difficult."

"So when do I get to be normal?" Leigh said.

"I don't really believe in normal, anymore," Dr. Hallace said.

"It isn't fair!" Leigh felt the tears erupt from her eyes. "Why do I have to live with this?"

"Everyone has to live with something," Dr. Hallace said. "As long as you focus on what is wrong with you, you'll be stuck."

"So I'm supposed to just be happy and forget that my brain is broken?"

"If you only focus on what is wrong." Dr. Hallace leaned forward to look her in the eye. "You emphasize the lack. If you focus on living your life, the problem will still be there, but it will be just one part of your life."

"I want to see Jim," Leigh said, "If you want positives in my life. I want to see Jim."

"I'll let him know."

Time had meaning as soon as Leigh waited for something. She wanted Jim, and time slowed to a crawl. She woke up and took her pills from the smiling nurse, walked up and down the hallway for days, went to her groups, drew childlike stick pictures, because she didn't feel like putting the effort into drawing. After all that, it would be lunchtime. It would be weeks before supper time, months before she got her sleeping pill.

Only the nights passed quickly.

She started trying to piece together what had happened.

"Jack got someone to steal my meds," she told Dr. Hallace. "I'm going to get Jim to arrest him." Dr. Hallace nodded and made notes. "I started out all right, but the voices came back and it got all dark inside my head. There were some kids. They were yelling at me and hitting me. I think there was an ax. It gets all fuzzy. I think I ran through the woods. There was a shadow there. I think he took the ax, I don't know what happened to it. The voices had gone so I went home. I remember Marie coming by and taking me to the detachment, but I can't remember what I said or how I got here."

"You were in the middle of a psychotic break," Dr. Hallace said. "It's going to be very hard to separate what happened outside your head, from what happened inside your head."

"You mean I went crazy and was seeing things."

Dr. Hallace shrugged. "Some of it might be real, or none of it. We count on our brains to help us sort out all the information that comes in from the world. If our brains deceive us, how are we to know?"

"So I'll never know what really happened?"

"Everything from that night has equal weight, both what you call reality and hallucination. Unless someone else was there and can tell you what they saw..." He shrugged again. "It isn't really important. What is important is your focus on being well. Take your meds, talk to your doctor. You will be coming here on a regular basis. You can't just think yourself well, but attitude is important, you can think yourself sick."

Jim arrived on the floor with Marie the next day. He held her tight for a long time. Leigh didn't mind, time started moving properly again as soon as he arrived.

"Marie wants to take another statement while we're here," Jim told her after he finally let go.

"Sure, but I have to warn you that I don't remember much, and what I do remember is all mixed up."

"That's OK," Marie said, "We've put together a lot of what happened, but we still need your statement." She grinned, "We're cops, it's what we do."

"OK then," Leigh said, "Ask your questions."

They sat in one of the counseling rooms and Marie set out a tiny recorder.

"Constable Marie Thibeault, interviewing Leigh Dalrymple, her husband Constable Jim Dalrymple is present, the date is November 6, the time is 2:25 pm. Leigh, let's start with just telling us what happened on the night of October 31."

"Well," Leigh said, "Jack, that's Jack Tanist told me I had to volunteer for the Halloween Dance and let George into the school without going through security." She saw the surprised looks Marie and Jim gave each other. She could see Jim biting his tongue to not ask questions.

"Did he say why you were to let this young man into the school?"

"No, but I assume it was to sell drugs," Leigh let bitterness seep into her voice. "He had someone steal my medications, maybe even George. I don't know. I know he'd been selling them, because he warned me I would get blamed for it. I didn't know what to do, so I let George into the school like Jack told me to."

"Then what?"

"The bass from the music started making me sick. I'd been without my meds for at least a week and was struggling. The music was too much. One of the other teachers told me to go home."

"What time was that?"

"I don't know. I just wanted to escape."

"OK, so you left for home. What happened next?"

"I was part way home. I don't really know where, when some kids jumped out at me. I was rubbing my head and maybe banging it. I can't remember. They started yelling at me and hitting and pushing me. It all got mixed up with the voices in my head." Leigh closed her eyes and took a long breath. The voices were then, not now.

"Then what?"

"There was an ax?" Leigh looked at Marie, but she had a very good poker face. "I think I took an ax from someone. I remember running into the woods, so angry I saw red. I fell and people were kicking me. At least I think they were. But they had no faces, they were just shadows. One shadow told them to stop. It had a strange mask. They left me there. I don't remember much else until I woke up here."

"How did Jack know about your medications?"

"I don't know..." Leigh's voice shook as she described how Jack had blackmailed her.

"Then what?"

"He dropped me off at home and told me I owed him a favour. A few days later that he told me to let George into the dance."

"OK," Marie said, "I just want to go over it one more time, just to make sure I've got everything." It was more than once, and Leigh was exhausted by the end of it.

"I'm going to go grab a coffee," Marie said, "You guys get caught up. Call when you're ready to go Jim."

She put the recorder away and left the room. Leigh looked at Jim and could see the dark circles under his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Jim," she said. "I should have told you right away. What's going to happen to Jack now?"

"Oh, right." Jim rubbed his eyes. "You wouldn't know. Jack's dead. He was killed with the ax that you took from the display."

"And you thought..."

"Not for a second," Jim said, "But as soon as you came into the investigation, I was sidelined. Marie and I worked out that you were probably coerced into not taking your meds for some reason, but it wasn't until we found Sam that we figured it was Jack.

"Sam?"

"Sam McCrey," Jim heaved a sigh. "a career criminal at fifteen. Probably had fetal alcohol syndrome and was easily manipulated. We found him in Jack's truck out in the bush. His fingerprints were on the ax. Our best guess right now is that Jack decided to get into the drug business and the other gangs didn't like it. We searched his home, but didn't find anything that didn't belong in a bachelor teacher's home. The only connection between Sam and Jack is the fingerprint on the ax."

Jim came over and took her hand. He sat on the couch beside her.

"I don't want to talk about the case. How are you doing? "

"The doctors say I'm coming along fine. I feel almost normal again. Dr. Hallace is as good as Dr. Heath said he would be. I'll be coming in at least once a month so he can keep tabs on me." Leigh felt the tears coming and despised her weakness, but she couldn't stop them. "He said that it is only the medications that keep me functioning. The voices will always be underneath. Stress will make it worse, but at any time the meds could change how they work. It could happen again!" She buried her face in Jim's shoulder. "I'm sorry!"

Jim hugged her tight and didn't say anything for a long time.

"I had an aunt," he said, "She had diabetes. Every day she had to check her blood sugar and give herself insulin. Sometimes she got it wrong and had to go to the hospital. She didn't like the idea of giving up the food she liked, so she was always struggling with the sugar levels. I see what you're going through the same way. You'll have to monitor your health and keep up on your meds. If something changes, we'll have to deal with it. But it is just another illness. Dr. Heath told me that last year, and I still believe it. We'll manage."

Leigh didn't say anything, but stayed in the warmth of Jim's arms until the nurse knocked on the door to say supper was getting close.

Jim kissed her goodbye and called Marie to meet him out front. Leigh didn't feel like eating, but Dr. Hallace had told her that proper nutrition was vital to her health. She was going to get better and stay better.