Mom and dad, I've never gotten the chance or gut to tell you this, but now the time has called for the truth. There's always been a person in the back of my head whose name whenever mentioned would have me fidgeting non-stop. Now I'm actually in his ship, within an arm's reach from him. Mom and dad, you should be proud to have a daughter like me, chasing after her dream to the edge of the world.
I rehearse the message in my head, only half joking when thinking of writing it down for my parents.
If they'd ever receive it I still can't quite grasp what their faces would be like, though I might be able to tell what they might be thinking. The fact that their only daughter is not only on a criminal's ship but is also in love with him.
Not only my parents, people would start to name me insane.
A smile curls at the corners of my lips, somehow finding it amusing. I stare at the blank paper in front of me, a brush ready in my hand. The writing equipment has been brought over to me upon my request by a one guy who was happening to be passing my room in the morning. He agreed to help me get them when I convinced him that his commander permitted it.
I rid my thoughts of the silly message. While I'm here ravishing my daydream my parents are truly being torn by worries. I've lost count of the days since I set off from Edo. The last time I saw them was the morning of my holiday when they were fighting over something trivial. I had ran out from the house from sheer stress. So my intention now is to assure them of my well-being.
After thinking for a short moment, I dip the brush in the ink pot and begin to write:
Dear mom and dad,
I'm sorry I left home without noticing you. But please, don't worry about me. I'm not in some kind of trouble. It's just that my boss suddenly called me for my job promotion and suggested that I work in his other business branch. To do that, he must first take me to meet his top client, who was present only at that certain moment in Kabuki District. Then somehow I was told to travel with him to where the other branch was in Kyoto at a moment's notice.
So after knowing this, I hope you would be at ease. I will return home once everything is settled.
Your Daughter,
Y/N
I set the brush down and consider the letter. It's a strange thing to have to lie for a measure of assurance. I wonder if I'm ever going to be punished for this.
Once the ink has dried I neatly fold the paper in half before tucking it in the envelope which I've already written the address on. Then I gather the equipment and head out of the room.
~~~~~~
This is the first time I've been into the command room. The place looks huge yet cramped at the same time. In the middle of the room hangs a huge digital screen that shows the map of the Honshu island. A red dot points at a prefecture not too far from Edo. Yamanashi prefecture, I suspect, is where we are currently at now. About a dozen of computers line the wall on either side, being operated by the several crews seated in front of each. Their eyes do not leave the monitor even after I enter.
I move a little further in. A short set of stairs extends down the platform where everyone else is working. My gaze lies on the man I'm seeking down in front. Takechi stands behind three men sitting just below the screen, supervising them something. He turns to me when I call. The others shoot me some distrustful looks.
"If you don't mind, I'd like to ask for you help," I say when he halts near me.
"What is it?" he asks.
I reach into my sleeve and take out the letter, then hand it toward him. "I hope maybe you can help me send this to my parents. Of course, you can check the content, I don't mind," I add. "I've also asked Shinsuke about it and it seemed like he didn't mind."
"If that's the case, I suppose I can help," he says, accepting the letter.
I beam. "Thank you so much. It would do a great help to my parents."
He puts the letter in his sleeve. "I must say that I was quite baffled to have found out that you bolted out to help Shinsuke-dono that day," he says, then gingerly adds, "though you neither seem as our enemy nor our ally."
I look away from his lightless eyes. "I simply wanted to do what I could to help," I tell him.
He considers it for a short moment. "Processing such delicate body, you must take care of it rather well especially when you've sustained that wound from that wild boar. It would be an utter waste if you die in vain."
"Oh, yes," I reluctantly respond, and touch my chest out of impulse, not sure if he's being sincerely genuine or what. There's also the matter about how he says it. Suddenly uncomfortable, I quickly say, "Well then, I won't interrupt your work further. Please excuse me."
I give him a slight bow before hurrying out of the room.
~~~~~~~
I spend most of the time reading this day. The room darkens with twilight by the time I finish a book. Now that the concern about my parents have been eased, my mind is set free. Concentration becomes easier and my focus at the present. Though that being said, I'll be honest about the fact that I did think of going to see that man again.
We're only a couple of corridors away, yet it feels like I have to hold a solid reason to approach and be able to...keep him. Or else he would walk away, just like he did numerous times before. But compared to what he did the day before, the way he softened, the stab of rejection is easily overtaken by an unfathomable joy.
The overwhelming feeling washes over me again when I recall of his serene expression. I sit back against the wall and shut my eyes. The image of him flashes behind my lids. But then the reverie abruptly breaks when someone knocks on the door.
A indistinct silhouette stands outside. I quickly get up and answer, can't help but be expectant of the visitor. I slide the door aside though I see the person I least expect to visit.
"Bansai-san," I say, perplexed.
"Ahh, sorry Y/N for coming at this time," he apologizes. "But do you have a moment?"
Our height differences also surprises me nevertheless. "Of course, come in," I say and step aside for him to enter.
I gesture for him to sit. The sight of the shelf and all the books within seem to be new to him as he sits across from me. Apparently I can't tell what he might be thinking about it because of the glasses that shroud his eyes in shade.
"I'll be quick," he says, "and frank."
I nod, a strange feeling in my stomach.
"There's been some trouble near us recently," he states. "Some of our enemies have found out our hiding place, though our men had picked up no sign of any particular threat on their way here few weeks ago."
Somehow I feel like I know where this conversation is going. I wait for him to continue.
"Now, I know that you're not who we thought you were. And the point that you helped Shinsuke proves it even more," Bansai says. Night slowly falls into the room as it does outside. "So think of this as a gratitude from me. I want you to leave."
I choke on the word. "Leave?"
He sits back a bit. "Not all of us are convinced of you, Y/N. Which is why I'm offering you the chance to leave before words spread about the attack."
"Because I'm the only outsider who they do not trust," I finish for him, tasting the bitterness of the demand.
"That's right. It's for your own protection."
"But I've seen some of them starting to-" I cut off the rest of the sentence at his expression.
"We don't remain here forever," he simply says.
The implication brings the image of that man, broken down, burning in my throat. My mind turns in turmoil. Of course this peacefulness would not stay. It's just a passing time before they all march into some mission again.
You neither seem like our enemy nor our ally.
A neutrality within a place of extremes, of course it has to be overcome by one way or another. And here there's someone kind enough to offer me an alternative.
Out and unscathed.
"You must have people who you need to return to, is that not?" Bansai says a moment later.
I swallow, and nod. The room plunges into a momentarily quiet pause, until I can find my voice again. "Is there anyway that I can go back to Edo?"
I feel his gaze searching my face, and am thankful that the dimness in the room helps to conceal it. "I can prepare a boat," he says.
"When," I whisper, "do I leave?"
"The day after tomorrow."
I clench my jaw and again force myself to nod. I will my voice to sound firm. "Shinsuke actually told me to leave once, but I did not listen. I should have known things would come down to this eventually anyway."
Bansai replies a minute late. "Did something happen between him and you?" he asks, skeptical.
I think of the words I've exchanged with that man, the moments when I thought I could finally reach him yet to only have him walking away. My eyes go to the shamisen behind Bansai's back. The recollection of a hundred joy and thousands of sorrow. It hurts to look away.
"No," I say. A sudden smile takes on my lips despite the twist of my chest. "Apart from the fact that he did not outright finish me from the start."
"I see," he recedes, then stands up. "Well once you're ready, meet me on the deck before dawn."
A word of gratitude simply won't leave my mouth. "I understand."
Bansai lingers a moment longer. Then he moves to the door and leaves.
~~~~~~
I climb on the futon I've laid out on the floor. An unblinking eye of the moon stares back at me through the window. I wonder if I could ever reach it, I would be able to reach that person, too.
Every word that came out against my will still stings. I've no choice but to fight back the emotions and bear with the righteous decision. But the night is long and silent. Sleep is far, yet I shut my eyes against the dark prison of time.
Just one more day.