Bad At Being Lonely

Brianna's POV

"An I-owe-you-maybe-a-scoop-of-ice-cream has turned to a lunch together and shopping." I munched on the cheeseburger I ordered a few minutes ago. "Lovely. This sure has grown quickly into something huh."

"Hey it's not all bad." May retorted, sipping on her cola. "I paid for all of this."

After ambling aimlessly around this damn huge mall for almost an hour, we finally found a fast food restaurant we could settle our hunger with.

"Because of course I wouldn't be here if you hadn't." I rolled my eyes at her. She quickly shifted her gaze from me the moment I flicked my eyes at her.

I sighed and cleared my throat. "This whole situation, I mean everything, is, you know, off."

"What do you mean?" She replied.

I shot her a disapproving look. "You know what I mean. Mapl- Hayden."

She laughed awkwardly which confirmed my suspicion.

"You don't possibly think that I would just presumably think the whole time that it's completely normal and rational that you, the girl I absolutely loathe with all my being, would like to have me, the one who almost murdered you last night, to accompany you to do something so simple that even with a child of your mental capacity could actually do without trying. Unless of course I may have turn you into a complete disabled last night, but clearly that's not it. More so buy me free lunch." I deadpanned. "The gig is up. Spill it or I'm going home. Last chance. You're trying something here."

"Uhm.." She breathed in deeply and looked down. "O-okay, uh."

"What is it? Hurry." I demanded.

She panicked in her seat "O-okay, straight to the point." And she searched frantically inside her red shoulder bag. "Here!" She forcefully closed her eyes in anticipation and handed me an envelope.

"Is this what this day is all about?"

Anger started to boil inside me.

"Tell me Drew didn't send you here to give me this."

"N-no no no." She answered immediately. "Drew didn't send me here to give you this. Not at all. Please believe me Brianna." She was trying to hide her panic but it was just too painful to see how much she failed at hiding it.

She is so lame.

"Then how did you know about this? Do you even know what this is?" I threw the envelope on the table. I enraged silently in my seat, careful of not attracting anything or anyone.

"Drew told me." She gulped silently. "About you...about your family."

"Drew told you?!" I wasn't able to keep it all that I exploded. I was honestly surprised, but more than that, I was offended. "How dare him! The nerve of him! Screw him!" I stood up and glared at her, my anger pilling up and up like the snow outside. "Why would he tell you?! How much did he tell you?! Tell me! I seriously can't believe this right now!"

"No! Brianna. No..." May tried reasoning out. "Tha-that's be-because it was my fault in the first place. I asked, last night, he didn't want me to know, but I forced him. It is my fault. I'm sorry okay. This isn't Drew's fault at all." Her voice slowly piped down. "Don't hate him."

"You're a thousand years late witch! I've hated him ever since."

We were pulling out a scene, and slowly people were watching us. They disgusted me as much as the people I hated in LaRousse.

I was suddenly brimming with hate.

I don't care about her ramblings, I don't care about Drew talking to her about my whole damned life, I don't care about the thickening audience, I don't care about the whispering people. I went blind with hatred.

I never felt so harassed like this before.

The only thing I want is to run away. Away from her, away from this place and away from everybody. Even away from myself.

I looked down and bit my lips.

"I hate you." I murmured. "I hate every one of you." I added as I walked away from the table and sprinted out wherever it may be.

I just don't care.

I heard May after me but that only made me ran faster. Tears swelled up as I pushed through the crowd. It was like swimming against the tide of a stormy sea. It was a huge struggle.

I ran away. Ran away from my mother, ran away from LaRousse, ran away from Drew, ran away from all those crippling memories, ran away from May. Acting what my life had always been - always running away.

It was then when I faced a wall that I realized I ran to a dead end. I turned back and saw May again. She really did chased me out here.

What a really stupid girl.

She bent down and caught her breath.

"Listen to me please." She looked up to me. Her hopeful blue eyes shone. "At least let me explain."

"Come here and I will kill you." I warned. "This time for real. I will definitely kill you."

"You know why I wanted to know? You know why I forced Drew to tell me no matter how much he protested?" She walked closer to me. Her eyes and voice trembled.

"Because I was jealous of you!" She glared at me with teary eyes. "He was worried about you not taking up the exams, always going home late to check up on you, how he misses dinner for that, how much he treasured you and the relationship you have with your mother, and how much he is trying to fix whatever this thing you both shared. How much he cares for you. The length he would go through just for you."

I was stunned at her words that flowed right out of her mouth, strong emotions that crashed against my own. The anger inside me simmered down. I was lost for words.

"I didn't mean to offend you, I was just jealous Brianna. That's why I wanted to know." She sobbed. "Yes, I'm pathetic. I'm not like you. I'm not strong and I'm not independent. No. I'm not even responsible."

My throat went dry. What is she talking about? I'm not strong and independent.

"But you know what else I felt about you?" She asked again. A few more tears escaped her glimmering eyes and streamed past her cheek. "I felt pain."

"When Drew told me about you, I felt nothing but pain. You don't deserve my jealousy, you don't deserve my hate." May added, her tensed body slowly relaxed. "Drew didn't tell me at all to give you this. This is my own decision."

"But why?" My voice came out calmer than before.

"Because I care for you. I wanted to help. And I believe you really need this letter."

"Why would you care?"

"Because I just want to."

I'll tell you something, you won't need friends, I'll make sure I'll be all the kinds of friend you need!

Come on Brianna, stop crying already, I don't have to be looking out for you always. You said it yourself right?

I'll always be here for you so don't be afraid to call out my name anytime.

As long as you're still a brat I have no choice but to continue looking out for you, well it's not like I'm bothered by it.

I may not look like your typical guardian but hey I'm an expert at looking out troublesome girls like you!

Come here and let me hug you, it may not be much and I'm sorry.

The same words again, same words that have stabbed my chest a lot more than I would have stabbed myself. If there is one thing I learned living my hellish life, it is not to believe in anyone anymore.

I clenched my fist hard, my tears rolled down and no matter how much I tried suppressing them, they flowed with unrestrained freedom. Drip by drip, my tears blotted the shiny white tiles of the mall. I forced a sob back down my throat. The act I did in front of the pet store was enough for today, let alone the act I did last night.

I've had enough of trying. I've had enough pain. I've been fooled by those words more than I have fooled myself. I've just had enough of believing. Nothing and no one in this world cares.

I've had enough.

This world is sick! This world is selfish!

"No, you don't. You don't care. Nobody cares. I don't believe you." I replied, trying my best to keep my voice as calm as before. "So just leave me alone. You don't have to care. In fact I don't want you to care."

"Please keep that letter away from me. Burn it, throw it, whatever. Just keep that away from me." I added. "Please."

I wiped my tears with the back of my hands and walked past her.

I paused. I could feel May watching me from behind. And I could feel something warm about her slowly dying.

Did I hurt her perhaps? That would be better.

"Do you have anything you remember? At least just one thing your mother did for you? Just one thing." She asked.

"No." I replied immediately without looking back. "Sorry but I can never forgive my mother. You don't know how much hatred for her I've embraced."

I unclenched my fist and strode out of the hallway.

I scurried out and hurriedly looked for the toilet.

I knew I passed one nearby.

I went inside as soon as I saw it.

I locked the door of the cubicle and crashed down on the toilet seat. I had to bite the seam of my sweater or else everyone will hear. And as if that wasn't enough, I had to keep on pounding my stomach so it would stop imploding on itself from all the pain that have come and devoured me alive.

It took me some time before I was able to calm myself down, an awful lot of time.

I placed a hand inside my wallet and took out a handkerchief. I wiped my tears and tried to freshen up.

I knew this day would be as bad as any other day. I expected no less.

Sometimes, you just have to spend a little time with anyone. Even if that someone is your enemy or rival.

What a load of crap.

I walked out of the toilet. I breathed in deeply before resuming, going towards nowhere in particular, calming down my thoughts before anything.

I walked past the gift shop May and I went earlier, went down the escalator, passed by a few food stalls, up the escalator again. It wasn't much of a stroll, it was mostly just passing time. Words in my mind entertained me more than the words printed on each shop I passed. Some words were glittering, some were glowing, all of them were in different fonts, yet what entertained me were the dull and worthless words May had told me.

Because I care for you. I wanted to help. And I believe you really need this letter.

Yeah right she does. She didn't even backed it up with a half decent excuse.

Because I just want to.

Did she even consider that I might not believe her? We're like the school's most infamous rivals. She couldn't possibly think to succeed without even a half-decent excuse to back her up right?

"She really is stupid!" I angrily thought out loud. "So stupid that it makes me angry!"

I hate how she wanted to take a sip out of my life. She doesn't know how it feels to have this kind of shitty life, she doesn't know the amount of pain I endured. And yet she wanted to help me? Without even understanding anything? Crazy talk.

I bumped to a stranger without even knowing. He cussed and continued walking ahead.

She may know how my mother treated me, but she would never know how much it actually hurt to be abandoned by your own mother. She abandoned me so why should I not to do the same to her? She deserved it.

Do you have anything you remember? At least just one thing you remembered about your mother did something for you? Just one thing?

I irked reflexively.

I was born out of irresponsibility. Father forced himself to be with my mother despite grandpa Wattson's dislike to her. Naturally of course that meant that he wouldn't support whatever happens to us. We all lived a struggling life, my parents juggled jobs and I was bullied. But all of it, all our sufferings drained on to me.

And I was just a kid at that time. It was unfair.

Grandmother took care of me most of the time since both of my parents had to work. She was all I ever had. She should have been my real mother.

If there is anything I could remember what good mother did for me was leaving us. If she hadn't left us back then grandfather wouldn't have talked to father about living away from LaRousse. It was the one and only thing I could ever be thankful for her. Or else I would have been stuck there and would have probably killed myself a long time ago.

With grandfather's support, father was able to find a good paying job as a magazine columnist and me with new education. If it wasn't for grandfather, we wouldn't have this chance of renewing our lives. Being the granddaughter of the principal, of course I used this chance to renew my status in school. I placed myself at a higher pedestal to avoid anyone picking up my horrible past. Needless to say, I quickly gained popularity and became the president of the school paper committee.

I've read your father's articles about the school. He writes very well. I bet you could become a great journalist someday.

Brendan Birch. Even though it's been years I could still perfectly remember those sweet words you said to me. How it shaped me to this day.

"But even you left me." I murmured to myself.

I'll tell you something, you won't need friends, I'll make sure I'll be all the kinds of friend you need!

Come on Brianna, stop crying already, I don't have to be looking out for you always. You said it yourself right?

As long as you're still a brat I have no choice but to continue looking out for you, well it's not like I'm bothered by it.

I may not look like your typical guardian but hey I'm an expert at looking out troublesome girls like you!

And these memories, I can never delete them no matter how hard I try.

Drew.

You don't know how much pain I went through because of you. You gave me so much to treasure, so much to cherish and one day you just grabbed them all back away from my embrace and replaced them with nothing but searing pain. You don't know how much I want to tell you how much I suffered because of you.

But how could I even tell you when my words aren't even enough to explain all of this suffering? Not even half of it. It's unfair. You hurt me so much yet I still longed for you.

How you managed to erase a year-worth of effort of trying to forget you with a simple 'hello'.

How could you make me love you when you know I am not supposed to do so?

"You are the worst!" I accidentally shouted and caught a few attention from the crowd around me.

I cupped my mouth with the handkerchief and hastened my pace. A step by step quickly turned into a sprint.

I want to run away from here. I want to go home already.

I was about to make a quick turn to the escalator when the bright and glowing heading of the pet store caught my attention. I realized that I was just walking around in circles. I was about to continue toward the escalator when I found out that the owner, whom I shouted a few hours ago, was trying to take the same cage back into the store. It was already empty.

"The puppy was sold?" I asked myself.

My chest suddenly felt a little light. A part of the burden I carried was taken off. I smiled a bittersweet smile.

I resumed going down and scampered out of the mall.

When I was outside, I didn't notice that it was already nightfall. It was still early yet it was already dark. Snow fell lightly as I continued running down the busy sidewalk going home.

It didn't take long before I arrived.

I fished out the keys inside my pocket and unlocked the door to my house. The low lighting of the lamp brought a miniature golden hour of the room. As I stepped my foot inside, a long forgotten memory flickered inside me - so long forgotten that it was almost foreign.

Do you have anything you remember? At least just one thing you remembered about your mother did something for you? Just one thing?

...

I woke up in the middle of the night. I found it hard to sleep because of the fact that tomorrow will be my sixth birthday.

I kicked off my blanket and jumped down from my bed. I slipped into my bedroom slippers and went to the door. I was about to open it when I heard my mother and grandmother talking. I opened it slowly so I wouldn't be detected.

And right before my eyes, grandmother was comforting my crying mother. I saw our kitchen knife a few centimeters away from my mother's hand.

"A knife?" I asked myself.

"I want to kill myself already!" My mother cried out, which surprised me.

Why would my mother want to kill herself?

"I'm so lonely! All of my friends abandoned me. Edward's father abandoned us. And I am not supposed to be pregnant with Brianna in the first place. I've had enough of this suffering."

My mind couldn't catch up to what my mother was saying, more or less understand them. I clutched my chest, I felt a sting. I am hurt for some kind of reason.

Grandma hugged my mother tight and stroked her red hair that looked flaming by the lamp light.

"Remember the time when you cancelled her abortion?" She kept on stroking my mother's hair. "That this is the path you've chosen. That by choosing this path you will be putting all the things you like and love, your friends, everything, all of it, aside." She coaxed.

"That by choosing this path, you will live not for Edward, not for his father, not for me and not for your friends. But for her, for Brianna."

My mother sobbed harder and dug her face in grandma's shoulder.

"Of course!" She exclaimed. "How could I forget what I promised?"

Grandma let out a loose chuckle. "You really are bad at being lonely. Why must you have the same kind of disease I suffer? Stupid genetics." Grandma slowly stopped chuckling. Her expression was serious yet they were amiable. "But you're still young Dianne. You still got so much to learn. But you have taken a big step already and you know very well that it's too late to turn back."

"Yes, mother, I know. What would I ever do without you?"

"I will always be here for you." Grandma answered. "So is Brianna. She is so beautiful, just like you."

Mother chuckled. "She is, isn't she?" She finally smiled and let out one lengthy exhale. "Starting today I will be living for her. And of course with her."

"We'll both live with and for her." My grandma smiled.

"I love Brianna." My mother said to herself. "All I want is happiness for her. I hope she would grow into a stronger woman than I am. I hope she will find friends that will cherish her and that she may never give up on life as well. And all I hope for myself is to be strong for her."

"Now now we're not sinking back to that feeling again." Grandma poked her head. She helped my mother stood up and wiped mother's tears. "Tomorrow is Brianna's sixth birthday. Let's start preparing and surprise her when she wakes up." She grinned.

"Let's do that!" My mother agreed as they hurriedly went to the kitchen. "Let's cook until dawn breaks!"

...

My senses came back at the sound of keys crashing to the floor.

Do you have anything you remember? At least just one thing you remembered about your mother did something for you? Just one thing?

My mother.

She ultimately had me.

Despite grandpa. Despite the troubles. Despite losing friends. Despite the shame.

I closed the door behind me and pushed my back against it. I slid slowly down the floor.

"Mother...." My hands trembled at the realization that dawned on me.

Now I know why I've been so bad at being lonely.

So were my mother and grandmother. We were all bad at being lonely.

My chest ached for the umpteenth time, caving in and out like one angry ocean wave.

I hugged my knees and buried my face in my hands.

I wasn't the only one who suffered when grandma died. My mother suffered just as much.

"Mother..."

Something inside me was heating up, I don't understand it. It was propelling me to go somewhere, anywhere.

But where? And why?

"Do I want to run away again? But I am already home. Where would I want to go?"

My tears fell like rain, warm rain.

"This is not my real home." I stood up. "My real home is at LaRousse. With mother."

"I'm sorry.." I wiped my tears. "I'm sorry mother.."

Then I heard a familiar bark.

"Hey, I knew this sound." I wiped the tears with the back of my right hand. "This cheerful pipsqueak bark. I know this"

I propped open the door and saw the same white ball of fur from the pet store. It was wagging its tail so fast that it became blurry. It was panting air and looking up to me expectantly.

"What are you doing here?" I bent my knees and asked.

When I picked it up I realized that tied to its belly was an envelope. The very same envelope.

By the sidewalk in front of our porch, I saw May.

Her eyes were gloomy and bluer than the usual.

"You don't have to read it Brianna. I just want you to keep it. Please?" She asked.

I raised an eyebrow at her.

"And since you won't be at the party, I bought him for you." She added. "I decided it's you who I want to give one.

"What about Drew?" I replied.

"No, I guess I won't be giving him one." She replied back and shifted her eyes from me. "Maybe next time, or next Christmas."

"Ohh.." I looked back at the puppy and cupped him in my embrace. I softly pinched his small vestigial leg with my fingers.

He barked playfully and licked my fingers.

"Is he enough for you to believe me that I really wanna be your friend?" May asked.

All I want is happiness for her. I hope she would grow into a stronger woman than I am. I hope she will find friends that will cherish her and that she may never give up on life as well.

"I also bought him full price. No discount. No lies promise."

"Stupid witch." I murmured and went back inside the house.

I looked back at her. "Do you wanna freeze to death out there?"

May's expression lightened as she smiled a gigantic smile.

"Come in doofus, I'm not gonna be held responsible for your hypothermia."

May still had that goofy grin on her as she strode her way to the door.

"But I get to name this guy." I insisted.

"No problem!" She replied back and closed the door.

"If you sincerely want to be my friend, you are going to help me." I took out the envelope and placed the puppy on the floor. He immediately ran around the room filled with energy.

"Help you with what?" May chuckled at the puppy. "With your remedial exams?"

"No stupid." I answered. "Packing up."

"But where-" May paused when she slowly realized what I meant. She smiled with teary eyes.

"Someone I know shouldn't be alone right now. I'm going home, back to LaRousse."