Just Go

Senior year was on the horizon, arguably the hardest year for any Korean teen. And Jihoon found himself hoping for it to arrive faster. He hated the time he spent with nothing but his thoughts. Seojun was away with family for the school break, and Jihoon could only spend so much time at their new apartment without being fussed over.

He tried to fill his time by visiting grandmother, but after his own hospital stay the nurses had become strict with him and forced him home at the end of visiting hours.

So he found himself restlessly wandering his neighborhood. He'd felt claustrophobic cooped up in his small apartment, where everything reminded him of his grandmother and father.

He rubbed a hand over his neck. It itched like sharp pins were pricking at his skin. Glancing up, he took in the full moon and sighed. Of course that was the cause of his discomfort. A regular reminder of his past mistakes.

And Jihoon realized he'd stopped right next to the entrance of the neighborhood playground. Like he'd been brought there so he could be haunted by old memories. He should go back home. He knew it was ridiculous, but just the sight of the moon made his heart ache.

Instead, he found himself turning into the playground, running his hands over the roundabout until it spun in squeaky circles. He remembered riding that merry-go-round as a kid, spinning and spinning until he felt like he was going to puke.

Funny, he'd forgotten that once he'd loved this place. Because now it only represented that boy and how much he'd cared about him before he broke his heart. Sitting on one of the swings, he pushed off, leaning back so all he could see were stars and sky.

Then his heart clenched. His breath shortened. And a face, pale as the moon, appeared above him. He let out a shout and fell from the swing. Dirt and gravel dug into his palms as he scurried to his feet. He glanced up, half expecting to see a ghost. But what stood there was much worse. Shane.

Shane was as hot and handsome as he remembered. The moonlight hugged him with its bright embrace. His skin glowed. His eyes sparked. His long dark hair moved with the breeze. He could almost see the ghost of the grim reaper's suit, something not uncommon he had seen that night.

He had a moment to worry that someone would walk by and see, but the clouds shifted and covered the moon and shane was just a boy again. But not just any boy. Shane was never just a boy to Jihoon.

"Are you real?" he breathed, not quite trusting his mind. It had often played tricks on him in the past two months.

"Jihoon-ah."

Jihon held up a hand to stop SHane. Shane's voice sounded clear and smooth, as beautiful as he remembered. It made it hard for him to think.

"It's been a while," he finally managed.

Shane nodded.

"I don't know why you left and I don't need to know," Jihoon said, determined to stay calm. "But I need your help. My grandmother is sick."

He watched Shane's face carefully. It betrayed nothing of his inner thoughts. "The doctors don't know why she's been in a coma this long. Her brain waves are strong. She has a good heart. I brought in a shaman and she said that there is dark energy in Halmeoni, like she's been cursed."

Shane shook his head. "It's not a curse."

"Then what is it?" Jihoon yelled. The act of raising his voice made him light-headed. "If Loralie did something to her, I need to know."

SHane moved forward.

"Stop!" A heat rose in Jihoon's chest, like a ball of fire that wanted to break free.

Shane halted mid-step.

Jihoon pressed his hands against his temples as dots of light danced in his vision. This was not the moment to get sick. He'd waited over two months for this. He would get an answer to his questions before Shane disappeared again.

His legs wobbled, and before they dropped out from beneath him he sat on the swing again, trying to regulate his breathing. Sweat beaded along his skin despite the winter chill. He counted to ten, then back again.

"Are you sick?" Shane asked, still standing a meter away like he was afraid to approach.

"I'm fine," he murmured.

"Jihoon-ah," Shane said, and it hurt to hear himself say his name in such a familiar way.

"What are you even doing here? Shouldn't you go take innocent souls?" he spat out. "Or are you thinking you have the perfect victim right in front of you?"

Shane kept his face blank and it should have worried him. He was prodding Shane when he knew better, but he wouldn't physically hurt Jihoon. Even now he still believed that.

"I'm not—" Shane began, then squeezed his lips so tight they paled from the pressure.

Jihoon considered pushing the subject, but knew it wasn't worth it.

Shane had always done exactly what he wanted. If SHane was going to take souls or not wasn't his concern. He rubbed his fingers against his temple to ease the throbbing behind his eyes.

"You don't look like you're doing well," Shane said.

He hated that Shane saw him when he was so weak. "You think? My whole life was ripped apart by a boy who said he cared about me, then disappeared. My dad's dead, grandmother is in the hospital, bills are piling up because the restaurant is closed, and I have a damn migraine. Would you be alright?"

His headache swelled. If it got any worse, he might have an episode.

That was not something he needed right now, not in front of Shane.

"Do you want me to leave?"

He didn't reply because if he said no, then he'd know how much he still cared. But if he said yes, he might go, and Jihoon didn't want that either.

"I don't know how to talk to you," he said instead. "I don't know how to be around you."

"I don't regret it," Shane whispered.

"Coming back?"

"Caring about you."

It was the first time Shane had said the words. And they caught at his throat.

Shane watched Jihoon struggle with her confession.

"I didn't want to admit it . . . before." Shane paused, hesitant to bring up the past, but he had to say it at least once. "You made me feel like I could let go for the first time in my life and that scared me. I've lived my whole life letting fear control me. And I hurt you because I still don't know how to let go."

"And you think now that you've come back and said these things, all should be forgiven?"

Shane backed away from the anger in his eyes. The full moon broke partially free from the clouds obscuring it, shining against the

swing set. Like a boundary between their space.

It called to Shane, urging him to relinquish control. Instead of pulling the beast from inside, it pulled out the words from his heart.

"I never wanted to hurt you."

"Well, you did. I hurt all the time, but I'm too tired to stay angry anymore."

"I'm sorry," Shane apologized.

"I want to forgive you," Jihoon admitted.

Shane took a step, his heart spurring himself forward into the slanting light of the moon. Pain rocketed through his muscles. As if on cue, Jihoon winced, an echo of Shane's suffering.

It reminded Shane why he'd returned. And it wasn't for a redemption he didn't deserve. A part of Shane wanted to peel back the last curtain and reveal what he had done to Jihoon's grandmother. It would cure him of his suffering, thinking he could still love Shane. Jihoon wouldn't be so foolish as to believe that after he knew what Shane had done. But another part of himself, the selfish part, kept the secret to himself for now.

"I came back to help and he won't let me help if he knows what I did," but SHane knew he was a liar and a coward.

Shane took a step back, away from the moonlight, away from Jihoon.

Jihoon eyes fell, the hope that lit them dimming to nothing.

"Just go," he said.

"Jihoon-ah."

"I said get out of here!"

Jihoon's words shot into Shane's heart, piercing like a shard of ice, a command Shane couldn't deny. Said with such force that Shane knew he couldn't stay if he wanted to. But after seeing the anger in his eyes, Shane didn't want to stay. And he called himself a coward as he fled.