Let Go, Child

Shane hated hospitals.The ill and the dying lose their souls like a crack in a dam. And right now the temptation to take a taste was too great. Shane kept his head lowered and walked down the hall, his footsteps a quick staccato.

"What are you doing here?"

Shane winced at the hard voice and lifted her eyes to meet Minjae. Shane knew he was putting up the act for fear of being discovered. And Jihoon was not in a state to handle any more surprises.

"I'm—" he broke off, unsure what was better, the truth or a lie.

Minjae's eyes bore into Shane like he was waiting for Shane to reveal some nefarious plan.

"I asked him to come," Jihoon said, walking up the hallway. "And you're late." He directed this statement to Shane.

"Why would you have him come here?" Minjae asked.

"Minjae-ah, you're the one who told me to call her."

SHane raised his brows in surprise.

The flame haired boy cast a furious look at Jihoon and said in a harsh whisper, "I said to call him for closure."

"I came back on my own," Shane said, annoyed at being talked about like he wasn't right there.

"Well, then, you can leave on your own. You've done it before." Minjae gave Shane a hard glare.

"Minjae-ah, it's getting late," Jihoon said.

"So?" The boy addressed crossed his arms stubbornly.

"I'm fine," Jihoon said. "You said I needed closure. Let me get it on my own terms."

This seemed to break through Minjae's stubbornness. "Call me if you need me."

"Always." Jihoon gave his brother a hug, and even though Shane knew better, he felt jealousy stab through him at the easy affection between the two boys.

Once she was gone, Jihoon gave Shane a raised brow, then walked into his grandmother's room.

Shane sighed. It seemed there would be no pleasantries traded, just right down to business.

The room was dark with the shades drawn. And the second bed was empty, though Shane was sure in the overcrowded hospital that wouldn't last long.

"To be honest, I've never done something like this before." Shane lit an incense.

Jihoon watched SHane carefully over the flame of the lighter. "I'm trusting you here. Against my better judgment."

"I know." he lowered his eyes, unable to meet Jihoon's anymore.

Then Shane took Halmeoni's hand and held the other was clutched to his own chest,Shane opened himself to grandma, searching for her soul. It was even weaker than the last time. A low-burning ember.

Shane was afraid to touch it. Afraid the taste of it would make the raging beast of hunger rise up. So instead he tried to find a way to connect that wasn't through Grandmother;s soul.

'Poor child.' The voice was a whisper; there, then gone like a call on the wind. Shane strained himself toward it. The sound of it had felt so warm, so familiar.

'Forgive yourself.'

he frowned at that.

Shane didn't have time to wonder if his mind was playing tricks on him; he could already feel his tenuous hold on grandmother's soul wavering. Shane tried to sift the soul from the sick and the dying into her. It resisted his hold, like a dozen slippery snakes slithering through her hands.

Shane drove his own energy out, trying to seek the evasive souls sliding through the hospital.

'No, not this way,' the voice in his head said. 'I don't want to live at the expense of others.'

The voice was distant but shane could place it now.

'Grandma?' Shane gasped in his mind. And her voice echoed as if he were in a dream.

'Let go, child.' And then shane felt like she was tumbling down, down, down. A drop that felt never-ending. Until she could see without opening her eyes. A light so blinding it filled her mind.

'Please, let me help you. I need to do this, for Jihoon!' Shane pleaded.

'You don't need to do this to earn his forgiveness.' grandmother's voice sounded kind, understanding, and it broke Shane's heart.

'When he finds out what I did . . .' Shane couldn't finish the thought.

'You don't need to tell him. You only need to love him.'

'I can't,' Shane replied. 'I don't deserve that.'

'Child, that's not for you to decide.'

And Shane felt like he was yanked back. He tried to reach out again, scrambled to find the connection. But it broke with a snap and a flash. And he felt the sting of the severed bond as Shane opened her eyes to see Jihoon kneeling over him.

"Oh, thank God, I thought you were going to hurt yourself." Worry was etched over his features. Worry for Shane. It caused a warm glow to settle inside him.

"Hurt myself?" Shane asked, realizing he was sprawled on the ground. Shane sat up and rubbed the back of his head. he must have hit it when he fell.

"Yeah, you were jerking around and I couldn't stop you." His hand rubbed at his cheek and shane saw the beginnings of a bruise.

"Are you okay?" Shane touched the purpling skin, and Jihoon pulled back, the worry gone and replaced with a stony mask.

"So? Did it work?" His eyes went to his grandmother's still form, but she thought he felt Jihoon's disappointment.

Shane heard Halmeoni's voice in his head still and wondered if that had been real or if he'd just imagined it all.

"No, I don't think it worked." Shane decided it best not to tell him what he'd heard in case it had all been his imagination.

"So you can't do it."

"I'll keep trying." ihoon didn't reply; he only sat in the chair Shane had vacated and took his grandma's hand in his.

You only need to love him, grandmother had said.

But how could shane when he only brought him pain?

• • •

Two weeks passed with no progress. Grandmother had been right. If Shane took the gi of the sick and the dying in the hospital, then he might accidentally drain them, killing them in the process. Then Shane would be the monster he claimed he didn't want to be anymore.

So Shane scoured the city, finding relics and objects rumored to hold some spark of energy. At one point Shane spent a whole afternoon trying to see if he could pull energy from an old Joseon vase rumored to have once been a soul. he'd achieved nothing other than shattering the vase.

And with his energy waning, Shane couldn't handle the physical demands of searching the whole city for an answer.

Shane leaned over the bathroom sink and let the water flow into his cupped hands. She was grateful there weren't many visitors in this wing of the hospital so she could be sick in private. Shane's mouth still tasted like bile, and his stomach still rocked like he was standing on a boat in the middle of the sea.

Leaning against the counter, SHane studied his sallow face in the mirror. It was getting worse.

The closer shane got to the hundred-day mark, the worse he felt.

Sometimes Shane was so hazy, he felt like she was walking through a dream, one she couldn't wake from. But during moments when the pain was at its peak, he yearned for the fugue-like state.

"Keep it together, Oshane Larson Kensington, child of Time and Death," he said to his reflection. "You don't need to last much longer." The pep talk didn't really work, but a part of himself figured if he was talking, at least he wasn't throwing up.

Shane made his way up the hall toward Grandma's room. He took a minute outside to straighten his shirt. He rubbed at a small stain, hoping it wasn't vomit, but not completely discounting that possibility.

Finally, shane slid the door open and gave a small sigh of relief when he saw Jihoon wasn't there yet. Just grandma and her new roommate, who was fast asleep, with only the sound of the monitors.

Shane sat and rested his head against Halmeoni's cool arm. It worried him that the woman's skin was cold to the touch, but the sensors measured out her slow heartbeats, assuring Shane that Halmeoni was still alive. For now.

Shane almost jumped at the buzz of his phone.

Loralie's name flashed across the screen and Shane wanted to ignore it, but remembered his sister's warning not to miss her calls.

"Hello?" The word was hardly out when Loralie's shouting voice came

through the line.

"You're in Seoul? Why would you go back there without my permission?"

"Because—"

"And to get Eamon and Minjae to lie to me with my own money, as if I wouldn't notice the withdrawals in such huge sums?"

Shane scowled. "So he told you. Traitor."

"Don't blame this on him. This is all on you and your continuously horrible judgment. Are you with him?" Shane knew that Loralie didn't mean Minjae or Eamon now.

"His grandmother is sick. I'm helping—"

"Do not go near that boy while he has your soul. Do you forget he could control you if he knew?"

"But he doesn't know," Shane pointed out.

"Unless he's a complete idiot, which I wouldn't completely discount as a possibility, he'll figure it out soon. Don't go near that boy, Oshane."

Shane almost gave in. The anger in Loralie's voice could still cause him to freeze in fear. But he was so tired and run-down from weeks of failure and hunger. Shane just wanted one thing to hold on to. And though he never seemed that happy to be spending time with Loralie, just seeing Jihoon's face every day was a small boost that kept Shane's exhaustion at bay for a while. So he added some iron to his voice.

"You can't tell me what to do anymore, Loralie."

Then she hung up.

"That was your sister?" Jihoon asked from the doorway.