Part 10: Such X A X Burden

SECCO RASVIN

"Are you just gonna follow me? Did you find your target?" he asked me annoyed by what I'm doing as he taking a bite of an apple that he got from the tree that we're staying at. On this cold shade on the top of a tree that few of the sunlight can enter, it was just us, me, and Killua, alone.

"I'm not following you. And I still didn't find my target.~" I said to him as I have him a pout and also took a bite from the apple that I picked. The tree we were staying at has a bunch of ready-to-eat apples, good for a hungry person like me.

"Then why are you here?" he said with the same expression on his face. He really really hated me. That's his other term for 'go away'. I didn't know what did I do to him to hate me that much, this unknown reaction from him really gets on my nerves.

"I thought I'll be a lot safer when I'm with you!~" I shouted livelily but it didn't change his bored face.

Now I remember my true purpose of traveling here, on this part of the island, I was planning to improve my knife-throwing skills to catch my opponents since I was bad at it. Good thing there is a wide meadow in front of the tree we were staying at, full of grass and weeds.

"I'm just going to practice!~" I shouted at Killua and jumped away from the tree and stepped on the hard ground below, and went to the meadow.

When I already at the center of the wide meadow, I started to feel hot because of too much sunlight so sweat is starting to drop on my face and my body. So I decided to remove my vest, one of the parts of my two-piece dress, showing my shirt underneath and also my white knee socks. I put some apples on a large rock some meters away from me, serving as my target. I grabbed my knives at my pocket and threw it as best as I can towards one of the apples. It landly hit the other apple, but not in the center though. I keep practicing but I still didn't hit the bull's eye.

Until the night came, it was dark and only the moon gave me light. I also felt someone was watching us from the bushes not near us. I grabbed my clothes, wear them again, and went back to the tree, and unexpectedly, Killua was just there, sitting in the same position, eating a bunch of apples, and watching me practice. I thought that he will go away since I'm no good of throwing knives.

"You really are bad at everything," he said to me, pointing me with his index finger and eating the apples he picked.

"I-I'm not!~" I argued with him.

"Heh? Then what is that you're not bad at," he said to me looking annoyed.

"I-I can lift heavy things! I can also deduce other people!~"

"That's so lame," he said to me while eating another apple again. "Then that makes you so creepy."

I pouted as he said those words to me. It's true that I look creepy when I stare at people, trying to identify their identity rather than asking them. It usually works on shy ones and asocial people, but I just found it fun to do.

We stayed in the tree for minutes of silence. None of us wants to start another conversation. Staying like this until morning truly is awkward for us. Besides, he thought of me as an enemy so he must be bored around me.

The moon above us is still shining like the stars around it. The whole meadow is very bright because of its light. Cricket can be heard anywhere, the only noise I can hear from this time. I can't help myself but speak from this silence.

"I'm happy that... you're my friend, Killchi.~" I said to Killua, turned towards him, and smiled widely. He also looked at me for a second and then, looked away. He didn't answer it for some seconds until he opened his mouth.

"But... I didn't think of you as a friend..." he said to me. Since I'm used to his personality on me, I just ignored what he said. "...I also didn't think of you as an enemy. I think of you as a burden to us."

I looked at him and a hint of surprise and shock was written on my face. I know I said I didn't care, but when he said that I'm just a burden, that gave me a great shock.

"Eh?" I thought he think of me as a rival to my friends since he looked at me that way but this... this is too much for me to handle. A burden? Me??

"You're not even good enough to be my enemy. You're just a burden to Gon and everyone else. If you didn't come here, this exam would be easy to Gon and the others."

W-What is this coming from?? K-Killchi... what are you saying??

"I hate you. I truly hate you. You're so weak and only rely on your so-called friends, on us. You didn't know how to deal with a situation on your own. You're also relying on Gon's words and ideas, you can't even think of your own. You're a burden, and I hate burdens." he looked away as he whispered something. "I didn't even know why I care about you every time. It makes me sick."

When he said that to me, I didn't move an inch on my position, still shocked, with my eyes widened and my mouth was left open, truly spaced out and trying to accept every word that he said to me on my head. It can't be...

He jumped from the tree and started to walk away, resulting in me turning back to normal. No more shocked faces, but my heart still beating fast, don't know how to react inside.

He must just be depressed, that's why he is saying those words to me. Yes, he must just be depressed. I saw captain feeling like that, especially he was drunk.

"K-Killchi! Wait!"

I shouted at my best to he can hear me. But when he stopped and turned around to my direction, he immediately rushed towards me and pointed his sharp fingernails on my neck.

"Didn't I tell you to stop calling me with nicknames?" he said to me with his deadly glare. His eyes were different. It was cloudy and filled with darkness, like it really belongs to a killer. Just like the time when we were still at the airship. "And stop following me. Anytime, anywhere, as long as we are still on the island, I can kill you. I can also tell Gon that you were killed by your hunter."

So I didn't move an inch on my position. Killua's nails were still stuck in my neck, like a knife, and his dark eyes are still glaring at me, making my legs shake a bit. I was confused about what's happening right now. Then... those times... those times that...

"Then... what you were saying before... saying me that I was a stupid... playing with me with your skateboard... was all just an act?", I tried my best to ask him. I still cannot move but I looked at him directly in the eyes.

"Yes. So I can hide my true feelings from Gon, Kurapika, and Leorio. If they knew that I truly hate you, they might run away from me."

When I heard that, my eyes were about to get wet even more, started to cry but it didn't. I was... I was really happy during those times. Even though he hates me, I was still happy being with him, with them. I felt like we were on the same page, even though we aren't the same. But that was all an act?

So this is why... he hates me... he hates me... he hates me... just like my father, he pretended to be my friend but not... if that so... then I must kill him.

All of a sudden, I felt my arm growing bigger, turning into a monster.

I can feel it...

I can feel my arm growing...

Turning into an enormous monster...

I'm sorry, I didn't intend to feel that way to Killua... I don't want to hurt him at all...

The bandages starting to get loose as I'm still in my current position, with Killua's fingernails still stuck in my throat, and his deadly glare towards me. He still doesn't have a clue of what's happening on my arm.

Then, all of a sudden, my arm became a monster. It grew so many red eyes from my upper arm towards the lower, looking at Killua. My fingernails were being replaced by some long, sticky tongues, and on the back of my hand is a female mouth, whispering something to me.

Killua already saw it, and I saw a hint of surprise on his face. My arm started to attack him with its tongues at incredible speed. But I managed to push Killua from the right side really hard, far enough so that the arm could never reach and hurt him.

It went slow motion, as his face was still confused about what's happening, especially on my arm that's been trying to wreak havoc earlier.

But unexpectedly, I saw a woman wearing some sunglasses in front of me, grabbing a knife, and was actually intended to kill Killua with it. At that time, I felt that I must kill her because she was going to kill Killua.

So my arm's tongues quickly rushed towards her with the same speed as before, and directly entered her mouth. It pulled the woman up in the air, the tongues still sticking on her mouth like they are grabbing something inside the woman's body. Killua and I both watched the brutal scenery as my eyes cannot bear it anymore, and tried to cover my eyes but I can't. The part of myself wanted to cover my eyes, but some part wanted to watch it, watch her get killed to feel the happiness that I was looking for.

After some seconds on her position, the tongues grabbed something out of her body, which I cannot really dare to look at. We quietly watched and when we finally saw what those tongues grabbed from her, we knew that it was actually her heart, her red bloody heart, still dropping some blood, resulting in my disgusting arm and my face to bathe in blood.

After that, the tongues started to wrapped around the bloody heart and crashed it, resulting in its blood to spread more on the ground, on my face, and even on the woman's body. The tongues let go of the woman, concluding her to be dead, now that she doesn't have a heart anymore.

I fell onto my knees, watching the victim became lifeless. My eyes still widened, spaced out of what happened. Somehow, a feeling of fear, guilt, and joy are starting to mix in my heart. My feelings are starting to be corrupted by the arm.

Then, I saw it looked at Killua with its multiple eyes. I knew that it was going to kill Killua next, so I turned my head towards him.

"Run, Killua! Run!" I shouted at him with all my best. That is the first time I called his name without honorifics. But if I shouted his name with it, he may not listen to me and just let himself be killed... and I don't want that. "That is the only thing to stop this mess!"

At first, he didn't understand what I was talking about and still didn't run on his position. I know that he won't run, that's not him at all.

"Please! Run away!" I shouted at him once again, with a tear fell on my cheek, followed by some rows. I looked st him with my poor face, begging him to run away from me, run away from death. He finally understood the situation and ran away as fast as he can, under the beautiful moonlight, and this pool of blood surrounding me.

I still didn't move an inch, frightened, and tried to calm myself down. Tears are continuing to fall from my eyes down to my cheeks, into the ground.

I wailed like a baby for some hours to fill the silence surrounding me around. No one will comfort me from this time. I shouted and cried at the same time. My cries turned into sobs, watching my victim filled the ground with blood, as I also bathe in it.

I did it. I did it again. I remembered that time that I killed those innocent and loyal bodyguards while I was escaping in that place. They didn't do wrong, they just wanted to obey the orders of their master. Because I was so childish, this happened to me, this always happening to me.

Killua was right. I was just a burden to Gon, to Kurapika and Leorio, to everyone else. I have to admit that I was weak, just relying on others. I wish that I've never joined this exam. If I don't, then Gon and the others might pass for sure.

I was alone right now, and I'm sure Killua will never come back here, after witnessing what I did to this poor woman. I am really a sinner, how many times I run away from the past, it keeps pulling me back.

I decided to just spaced out and don't move in my position until seven days come to an end. I have nowhere to go right now. I can't go back to the captain because he told me not to come back again.

Until I saw a figure of a boy walking towards me, but I didn't move and just let myself spaced out again. He has silver hair and wearing some clothes the same as Killua. Wait! He is Killua!

I came back to my senses and wiped the tears left on my face when I realized that is actually Killua who was walking in my direction. He sat on the ground, beside me but keep his distance to me, avoiding his clothes to get bloodstained.

Why...

"Why did you... come back?" I asked him with my cold voice, looking at the poor body. I bend my knees and hugged it with my arms.

"Because I thought... you need comfort," he said with a slight blush on his face.

"Aren't you afraid of me? I killed a person with my monstrous arm."

"I killed thousands more than you did with your arm."

Come to think of it, he is an assassin so I thought why did I ask that stupid question.

"... Is this one of your acts?" just to make sure. I might be listening to some nonsense lies from him.

"...Maybe, maybe not."

Silence surrounds us again. I thought he was here to give me comfort but he's just giving me some quiet calls, which really made us feel awkward.

"You're right, Killchi— sorry. I'm just a burden to everyone... to Gon. I am weak, just relying on others. I wished I didn't join the exam. I wished I just stayed on the ship... I wished... I've never been born in this world..."

"I'm glad you understand what I'm saying earlier," he said to me coolly. Did he say earlier that he will give me comfort? Then what did he said to me?

"But..." I turned my head to see him for he was still saying something. "... Even so, you came this far, so you can't give up your goal. No matter how hard the road is, you must keep forward... Gon is the type to say that, right?"

My heart was filled with hopelessness and despair, realizing myself to be just pulling my friends back from the start. But I felt that I won't give up, because of what Killua said. I've come this far with them, and next time, for sure, I won't be a burden anymore. Everyone makes mistakes, but they won't twice.

" Then... I won't give up. I'll make sure I'll never be a burden anymore!" I pointed at him with my index finger, still wearing the same face.

"Killchi! No. Killua Zoldyck, I'll make sure that you'll also treat me as a friend, from now on!"

Because of what I said, he let out a sigh and looked at me, annoyed.

"I know you wouldn't." he also stood from the ground, looked at me down, since he was centimeters taller than me. "Then... I'll give you a chance. If you can fight on your own, without relying on others, I'll consider you as a friend."

My serious face lit up, and my eyes started to sparkle like it was every time. I was so happy, I was really happy that he gave me another chance to change myself.

A tear fell on my cheek and rush towards him.

"Killchi!!!" I shouted while running, trying to hug him tightly. But he dodged my open arms, resulting in me falling on the ground.

"Let's go."