Chapter 3

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three

n o t . a . m a r k . t o . y o u r . l i f e

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In the end, I didn't go to the music club.

No, nothing dramatic happened that prevented me from meeting Orion's bandmates. The bell just rang and we have to scurry back to class.

Once we reach the room, we set into our respective seat and the conversation that happened between me and Orion felt like it never happened at all. He goes back to being surrounded by people and entertaining them, and I go back to being alone.

Did that sound like I'm unhappy with my situation? I'm not, though. It's just what it is.

I'm about to start writing more notes in my paper. But as soon as I click the pen, I can feel Orion's eyes directed towards me. That makes me pause. Orion grins as he watches me, and even though there are people surrounding him, I have his undivided attention. It's unsettling.

I do write on the paper, but I throw it to him.

'Don't look at me.'

The paper goes back to my desk almost immediately.

'I just want to see how the magic happens.'

I sigh. I crumple the notes, then throws it into my bag. I still see Orion looking at me, so for the first time I fight back: I glare at him.

That seems to amuse rather than intimidate him. I guess I should have known that my facial structure doesn't allow me to look fierce.

Mrs. Holly, our homeroom teacher, gets inside. The students disperse to their respective seat, and I'm glad that it gives Orion distractions so that he doesn't expect so much from me anymore.

Unfortunately, the distraction only last for about three minutes.

During the lecture, I can feel his eyes on me again.

This, I can ignore.

Two minutes later, a girl who I've never talked to before taps me on the shoulder. She's sitting beside me. I very nearly jumps because I haven't anticipated any sort of physical touch from anyone.

The girl speaks with an undertone. "Orion is giving you a message."

She motions to her back, which is where Orion is seated. He's mouthing and gesturing something at me. I'm not an expert at mouth reading, nor am I at hand-gesture reading. I'm not in the mood of misinterpreting anything, so I decide to pretend to not see him.

The plight continues.

A minute later, the boy who sits behind me, whom I've never talked to before, pssts me. "Hey, give that poor kid a nod or something."

Behind him, Orion is practically dancing soundlessly.

Unfortunately, I'm also not a dance-interpreter, and I just try to refocus my mind to the whiteboard and Mrs. Holly.

The next minute, another crumpled paper finds its way into my desk.

The note reads: 'You're a very difficult person to amuse.'

How should I respond to this? What does he even mean by sending me this? Is this a threat? A compliment?

The boy behind me provides the much-needed extra information. "It's just an observation. And in my opinion, a tiny little bit of flirting. It's Orion after all."

I mull at this.

Does Orion expect me to write him another observation?

I've written that in the same paper that Orion gave me, but I'm having trouble getting the paper across to him without drawing so much attention. Mrs. Holly doesn't like it when students don't pay attention to her when she's talking. I don't like getting other people mad.

Without any word, the girl beside me stretches out her hand. "Give it to me. But don't be mad if I read your notes first." She grins mischievously.

I don't mind that. I give her the paper, and as soon as it gets into Orion's desk, the real chaos happens.

"Orion and Lucine. Get out of my class."

I find myself standing. Orion still stays seated. I wish I can yell at him so that he will stand and show his respect to our teacher, but I don't think Mrs. Holly will appreciate any form of noise.

Orion doesn't look in any way distressed about this. He smiles at Mrs. Holly, and I can see the hard lines around her eyes dissapear a little bit.

"I'm just trying to get Lucine talk to me." He says, which is followed by a few people from our class snickering.

"That's noble and all. But don't do it in the middle of trigonometry. Your detention is as the usual, Orion. Show Lucine the ropes."

Orion looks at me, and when our eyes meet, he breaks into another smile. "Come."

I look at the whiteboard. It's a shame that I have to leave this class because I quite like today's lessons. Now I need to meet Mrs. Holly afterschool so that she can fill me in on what I miss because of this 'detention'. That's another hurt that I create, another dissapointment and trouble.

I follow Orion out of the class. I actually don't know where students go when teachers yell 'Detention!' to them. But that doesn't seem the case with Orion. He hums lightly as he walks through the school halls, taking the stairs downwards and saying hellos to the janitors we bypass as if they're friends.

Finally, after what seems to be forever, we reach our destination: the school's gym male shower stalls.

"This is why the janitors love me, Lucine. I happen to regularly clean the most vile place that ever existed in this school."

"But you've distressed and dissapointed Mrs. Holly. And now I'm an accomplice to her dissapointment."

"I can clean the toilet alone if you're disgusted," he's still not getting it. This is why communication is exhausting. There are so many words needed to get your point across to another person. Even then, he might still not get it and the misunderstanding widens.

"I don't want my existence to create any sort of distress or pain to other people," I say as concisely as possible. "Life is painful enough as it is."

Orion has already started moping the floor. He is right about one thing: this place has to be the most vile place in the school grounds. I have to bring my hair to my nose to provide some sort of reprieve from the constant assault of the smell.

"Is that why you want to die in March? Because you're afraid to induce some hurt or trauma to other people?"

I'm not one to get offended easily, but somehow I don't like how he says those words.

"Someone like you won't understand." I try to articulate what I'm feeling, but it's not as easy as it looks. It's actually been the bane of my existence: explaining myself. I'm neither deaf or mute, and I've been told that my brain is neurotypical, but still it's almost impossible for me to connect with people. Maybe I'm just defective.

Orion keeps moping the floor. He's actually doing a pretty good job with it. I can see why the janitors look excited to see him coming to this place.

"I don't want to leave my mark in the world. A mark means creating a hole, a puncuture, a wound. And the world is pockmarked enough as it is."

My whole face is hot as I hear my words coming out from Orion's mouth. I remember the note. The one I slipped to Vanity Fair. "How many of those have you found?"

He shrugs. "Quite a lot. You're a voracious reader."

"That doesn't seem fair. You've gotten to know me even though I haven't decided to reveal myself to you."

"Have you, though? Isn't the reason why you slip your thoughts in those books is so that someone gets to know you?"

For the second time today, I'm speechless.

"If you like, you can also get to know me."

"No, thank you."

"Why? Because you're not going to be around next year?"

I nod. "Because I'm not going to be around next year."

"Hmmm." He rest his head on the top of the mop. He tilts his head, his hair is falling into his face. "Do you have anything that you'd like to do before you die?"

"As a matter of fact, I do. I'm writing you those lyrics, right?"

"Well yeah, that's a done deal. But since you'll be doing me a huge favor, I also want to do you a huge favor, too. So just ask me anything and I'll help you do it."

I look at the floor.

"As long as it's within reason," he adds.

"I don't have anything in particular, actually."

Orion snaps his fingers. "I can help you get a boyfriend? You've had a boyfriend before?"

"No."

"That's one! I can introduce you to someone. Anyway, if you're interested, I might even-"

"No."

He puts a hand on his chest, feigning hurt. "Ouch, Lucine. Ouch."

"See? I didn't mean to offend you but I seem to keep offending you in the process. Why don't you just stop with this nice-act and let our relationship, or lackthereof, resume the way it has always been? I promise I will still give you the notes when I write one."

As soon as I stop talking, I realize that Orion's standing close to me. Way too close, even. I'm quite short, so our height difference metasizes when he's right in front of me. My whole vision range is filled with him, and once again the drumming inside my chest starts. I guess I really am just a normal teenage girl, because I still have this normal reaction when I'm around a boy.

He pounds his chest once. "If you're worried of hurting me or distressing me, don't. I'm very sturdy and I'm thick-headed. Plus, I've spent a lot of time hanging out with a bunch of really weird people and have had way more life experience than you. There's nothing that you can do or say that will actually leave a mark on me."

I try to look away but I can't.

"The time you spend with me won't add any pain in my world. I also promise to not add any pain in your world. I'm just a harmless accesory. Like a lamp! A talking lamp. Does that sound good to you?"

I nod.

He breaks into another smile. "Ah, I'm so relieved."

I nod once more.