Loved. Cheated. Regretted.

I loved.

I cheated.

I regretted.

It's scientifically proven that if you make people happy, you make yourself happier.

So I did. I made her happier. Made her laugh in such a way that she would forget him, made her feel like she was the most beautiful girl in the world, made her fall in love with me even if she was with someone else.

But to what end? I destroyed someone else. I destroyed the girl who sacrificed every damn thing for me. I tore down everything she built for me and brought it all down on her. And I didn't even look back to see it.

You were there, she wasn't but I left you anyway.

I loved.

I loved, but who did I love? Was it you, the girl who would go out of her way to take care of me even if I was pushing you away? Or was it her, the girl who gave me light in my false darkness?

I loved you. Because you were always there. Because you understood everything in my life. Because you loved me with everything you have and everything you are.

I remember the sleepless nights we had when we started, just talking all night long on skype and on the phone. I loved that. I told you everything that I know and everything that happened with my day. I remember the things we did, laughs we had, and the dates we went out on as if it all happened yesterday.

You were everything I could ever look for and ever have. You had the beauty of a saint when you didn't have make up. You had the street smarts to protect my lack of common sense. You had the patience to bear my attitude. You had sweetness to overwhelm my loneliness.

Somewhere along the line our sweetness became bitterness. It became pain and hate for a time. We fought day and night. You'd break up with me afterwards. You'd make me cry and I'd breakdown. But still you'd say sorry and we'd be ok.

It killed me a bit every time we broke up. It made me feel useless and unappreciated. I'd hurt myself sometimes just to not feel that. I'd punch my face, the wall, everything. I'd scream away all the pain and the anger.

I'd try to hurt myself in every possible way. Sometimes storing it all.

you'd say sorry every time. You told me not to hurt myself. Told me that you loved me.

But I didn't feel that anymore.

Yet you gave me a smile I can always remember, a love that I can never find in somebody else, acceptance that I was looking for this whole time, and a person I could call home. You were my home.

But I burned you down and turned my back against you. I didn't even bother watching you collapse.

I cheated.

I replaced you with her. I tried to love her. She felt like a girl that I've known for years, like a person I was destined to be with. She made me feel appreciated and useful. She had a sense of calm that made me smile in a sense that I can't imagine.

But I knew these weren't true. This was wrong. I just saw you in her; the you before everything went down.

She was kind, reassuring, calm, and caring. I'd tell her stories about everything and she'd do the same. We'd share ideas and concepts, we were even planning on doing a collaboration for a book. She was every bit of perfect that I could think of.

But all I can remember was you. I'd reject the idea of thinking of you because all I can remember at that point was the fights we had. I didn't feel useful with you. I tried to change the topic every time she would bring you up.

I was too busy forgetting the pain you caused me and rejected you in every way to make you feel it for once.

I learned a lot from her but hid the truth from her. I didn't want her to see the monster inside me but the hero you saw me to be. But I knew it would never last because of him.

And it came true. She returned to him. But not before making me realize what I had lost, who I had lost, and how much of a monster I am.

I regretted.

I regretted everything that I ever did to you. I should have picked you. I was too blind to even notice what you were doing. You killed yourself to have me back. Begged, blackmailed, destroyed yourself to get me back. I didn't. Each time I said I'd give it a chance, I'd let go and just say "No. I don't want this anymore".

Still you waited. You waited to have me again. You said you'd change. You said everything will be different. You said that we won't be like we were before. All you needed is a chance.

But I didn't give it.

Because I was blind. Because I focused too much on the pain and not the happiness. Because I was selfish to just look at my side and not yours.

I should have never done that. You are the greatest thing that happened to my life yet I took you for granted.

But why her? Why did I have to pick her over you? Why did I make her happy? Why didn't I do that with you?

I guess I saw the same girl in her. Just that this time it was a different face with a different name.

I lost the moon while counting the stars.