A State Called Philophobia

I didn't know what happened to me,

A fear was deep down in me.

I was scared by a word called love,

Depressed I lay with this feeling of love.

Blades and knives brought a peaceful threat,

Blackmailed by my own mind an awful threat.

Hid the pain from my close ones,

Never loved the so called loved ones.

Deep cuts with blood running down my hand,

Crying all night in hope of a helping hand.

Frightened, defeated and suicidal I became,

In a life so beautiful, distrustful all become.

My foolish thoughts blinded my eyes,

Faked my joy for those prying eyes.

Living a life which I had messed,

Complicated it is to clean up the mess I messed.

Felt a deep sense of satisfaction from physical hurt,

Salt on the wounds relieved mental hurt.

Hurting gave a pleasure to live,

Turned into a psychopath who care not live.

On a battlefield where a silent war took place,

Fighting away love, with fear in place.

Even a thought of it makes me cry,

Hiding this phobia to let not others cry,

Sharing what I am going through was difficult.

Shame and Disgust made my life even more difficult.

I felt good being alone and lonely,

People did not let me live lovely.

Doubts of trust creeped in all of a sudden,

Panic, Fear, Anguish erupted in sudden.

Wanted this chapter of life to end soon,

The darkness isn't going to disappear anytime soon,

Love a feeling which I am never gonna feel,

Wish the people around understand how I feel.