The Dream I Painted

We are told many different things since childhood. Being asked what we want to become, what are we dream of. But life isn't something like in a movie, that is for sure. But even with that, we still compare our life to it.

I was a good girl, a straight A girl, never do drugs, always come home straight from school. My mom told me if I study hard, make my way to college, I can become anything I want.. Rich, happy, travel the world.. all the thing I can dream of.

Fast forward 30 years into the future. My husband just left me. He left me with 2 kids, Billy and Ana, the first one with ADHD. In the office some 20 something with no degree just got promoted, because she's easy going, has a lot of friends, and therefore makes a lot of clients. No one care if she had straight A in English literature or not. Which left me in the same position in the same office for 15 years. And now the company is having a cutback, and the same 20 something girl who takes over my dream job just called me to her ofrice offering me a package of what they called, "a creative life".

Meanwhile at home, I have to take care my dementia father, who's condition is going severe each day. Sometimes I had to take a day off just to make sure his okay. Maybe that's why they never promoted me, because I was MIA here in there. Sure an easy option is to place my father in some elderly nursing home. But the amount of money I need to spent made me left the place without looking back.

You now that feeling, when you had a dream.. You were swimming and you were about to reach the surface but it felt like you never get there. And without looking you know there's a chain to your feet. Somethings that keeping you eternaly drowned. And that surface is just another dream inside a dream. But it was.. so close, you believe your hand could reach it.

And then you wake up, to the reality version of that dream.

So here I'am.. divorced, with two little kids and one elderly, going to be layed of from where I work. Can this be the lowest moment of my life?

It's hard to choose a place to cry in a home with 2 highly active kids who bounce around like they made of rubber ball, in addition to an old man who keep entering the wrong room 24/7. But now that I think of it, maybe even if I cry in front of them, they wouldn't even care or notice.

Billy my eldest son, diagnosed with an ADHD which is a chalenge to help someone you don't know how his mind work. And the blind map is a pricey counseling from a doctor, which soon I'll need to drop because I can't afford it anymore. Ana, my youngest daughter, whom I secretly name after a character from a cartoon, just because I wish one day she grew up looking like that. Poise and full of positivity, because all that is probably dead inside me. Sometimes I look at her and I wish I could give her more in this life.

For Billy, I'm going to need to apply for a program in his school. Which is free but full of waiting list. It's surprising how many kids diagnosed with ADHD these days, maybe they should make a different way of teaching for kids. As for Ana, she supposed to enter kindergarten this year, and I sincerely hope, she can get through it with smooth sailing.

At dinner, I wonder if I should tell them about me getting layed off or not. But I don't think anyone could grasps the situation perfectly. And I just feel, they going to ask me a lot of unrelated question.

So I decided not to tell them, because it makes no difference.

This morning, that 20 something girl in my office left me a message, tell me even though I had accept the package, I still need to come to the office for handsover and unfinished job.

I decided not to reply.

I come to my son's school to apply for an ADHD program, he have to share it with 10 to 20 other kids. In the waiting room, there's this woman, I think she's a parent too. She wears what they called a veil over her head, which make her stands out. I've notice everyone who pass by always take a 5-10 seconds more time looking at her. Did she have that everyday everywhere?

We both the only one in there so when our eyes meet, I either smile at her or throw my eyesight somewhere else. I choose the first.

"Hi."

"Hello." she said smiling back at me.

"Are you here for the ADHD program?"

"Yes, for my son, he is in 3rd grade.

"Mine in 2nd."

Then all the questions revolve around diagnose, therapy, and our personal struggles. What impressed me, she seems quiet okay with his son being a kid with an ADHD. And more okay with people staring at her all the time. While I'm on the other hand is about to kill myself if I didn't think about what would happen to Billy and Ana.

When she asked me what did I do, I just abruptly tell her that I was just got layed of. And I realized, I haven't told anyone else about it. Not my ex-husband, who probably ends with a debate of how much he should pay for alimony. Not to my friends, whom I don't want to see or hear they pity expression. And I don't want to see how succesfull other people life is compare to mine. I just can't stand the world anymore.

"I'm sorry to hear that. What are you going to do next? she said.

Now I'm stun in silence because I haven't though about it.

"Find another job maybe. But they gave me a preety generous package, so I'm probably good for the next 6-9 months."

"Do you have mortgage?" she asked.

"No."

"Any credit card bill, loans?" I'm embarassed to admit that I don't have anytime to take care of myself using that credit card.

"Uh.. No."

"Well, isn't that fantastic. You can spend your time helping your son now." she said. "And you can enrolled in weekday class for him, the weekend class is super crowded because most of the parents only have free time on weekend."

"Is that so.." the only thing I can replied.

Our conversation is stop because now is my time to meet the counselor. The counselor is a super nice guy, turns out he held the program as a research for his PhD. As a background, he asks around about Billy's everyday living condition, its a standard procedure.

But in the middle of it I suddenly having an outburst. It came out of nowhere and I can't control it. To my surprise, the counselor listens to my story quite attentively. He explaines to me, I'm not the first parents who came to his office and cry over the feeling of a failure as a parent. But he said he's optimistic about Billy and would like to meet him in the next session he helds, on weekday.

At home, I inform Billy about the new counseling program. He process it while playing a ball around the room.

"So, I don't have to come to the old doctor anymore?" he asked.

"No."

"And the new doctor is at my school?"

"He's a counselor, but yeah you'll see him at your school." then I see his face is getting brighter.

"Will you be there with me?"

"Yes."

"You don't have to work?" he asked again.

"No, they make me quit the job."

He doesn't ask anything anymore but he bounces around with a big grin on his face.

"Can I come too?" Ana asked me.

"Yeah, sure." and now she joins her brother jumping around the room hapily.

"What's going on? Why you're not at work?" my father just entered the room.

"They let me go, dad."

"Can you help me make a sandwich then?"

"Sure."

"Where's Andy?"

"Dad, we got divorced almost a year ago."

"Great, your to good for that prick." my father said before he walks to the bathroom, holding a plastic of bread.

***