I Want to be Nothing

Roenan was having trouble falling asleep. His worried thoughts were keeping him restless and he couldn't find a comfortable position to lie in because of it. He was lying on his back and staring at the ceiling when he heard Saive say something weakly to his right.

He shot up to look at Saive. Saive was lying on his side, facing Roenan's bed. He was staring straight ahead, looking nowhere near Roenan's face, and his eyes had that dead expression in them that Roenan had seen the night that he had straddled and attempted to choke him.

"Saive..." He whispered.

Saive said something weakly again. The only thing about his face that moved when he spoke was his lips, and they had barely opened.

"I-I'm sorry, I don't know that you're trying to say." Roenan said frantically.

He said something again and Roenan's eyebrows furrowed. He was beginning to panic, unsure what to say or do.

"I want to be nothing, I want it to end..." Saive whispered.

Roenan's stomach dropped when he heard it clearly. He recognized that it was the same thing that Saive had tried to say his past few attempts. Roenan stared at him, his mouth hanging slightly open.

"Saive." Roenan said sternly, hoping to get his attention.

"Please... I want to be nothing. Help me end it."

"Saive, snap out of it." Roenan said, shooting up from his bed.

"Please..." Saive whispered, his dead eyes turning to Roenan. The movement along with the lifelessness in his eyes made the hair on the back of Roenan's neck stand up. It was as if he was nothing but an animated body. Saive was still staring lifelessly at Roenan, when he began to lift himself up out of bed.

"Wait, stop, you're not well." Roenan said as he closed the space between their beds, placing his hand down on top of the hand that Saive was using to lift himself with. He could feel the dried blood and scabbed skin of Saive's knuckles under his fingers. Just like the last time Roenan had touched him, life leaked back into Saive's eyes, but flickered in and out. He finally looked back to normal, glancing down at their hands in disgust. He smacked Roenan's away, grabbing his own touched hand and bringing it to his chest, recoiling.

Before Roenan could react, Saive broke his position and lept on top of him, sprawling him onto his back and onto the cold, hard hospital floor. Roenan shouted when the movement jarred his injuries and Saive reached back as if to smack him in the face again. Roenan thought quickly about grabbing Saive's wrists to stop him from hitting him, but settled for grabbing fistfuls of the front of Saive's shirt and squinted, bracing for the blow.

Saive went to swing again but stopped short and froze for a long moment, his eyes widened. He curled down to press his forehead against Roenan's chest, letting out a huge sob and began to shake as he cried. Roenan unclenched Saive's shirt and sighed shakily in relief, dropping his hands at his sides. He let Saive stay like that for a few minutes, as he stared at the ceiling and listened to him cry.

"Saive...," Roenan said sympathetically. Saive sat up and used the heels of his hands to wipe his eyes. He got up without saying a word and crawled back into his bed, facing the wall so that Roenan wouldn't be able to see his face.

Roenan pushed himself up and sat for a few moments as his head spun. He got to his feet and walked back over to his own bed. He still had some leftover dinner food on his tray. He grabbed the bread and apple and set it on Saive's tray.

"Please eat something," He said quietly. "You need to eat."

Saive didn't even budge as Roenan stared at his back. Roenan turned around and crawled into his bed lying on his side to watch Saive. He wanted to ask him so badly what had happened to him the past few weeks, but he knew now wasn't the appropriate time. He knew that there may never be an appropriate time. Saive already didn't seem like the type who cared to talk to anyone about anything.

"I've got your back from now on," Roenan whispered. "We're in this together; we're Jaedans. And I won't let you down." He lay staring at Saive's form under the blankets for a few long moments and then rolled over to lie on his back and close his eyes.

He had assumed Saive was asleep, but he heard him shift after a few minutes. He looked at him in time to see him rolling back over. The bread was no longer on the tray.