Issa****Chapter Four

I woke up in the infirmary to a self mutilation charge and a paper gown. I remembered tearing the uniform to shreds an tying the ends. I had made a rope and stood on the top bunk, and wrapped it around the sprinkler. I looped it around my neck in an attempt to end it all. It had torn apart and I fell 10 feet to the floor while unconscious. The stitches in my head were still greased and the migraine was excruciating.

Redd.

His letter.

He was sorry.

My lockdown cell awaited. Someone had come in after I read his letter. He said it was a good idea. I think that was once a men's dorm. Maybe he was still there. The food was different in the infirmary, than in the cell, I only drank the milk and ate the fruit cocktail. I had not had solid food in two months. I refused all of my 60 minute recreations, I had no one to call.

Issa had stabbed her cellmate and cut her hand in the process...was she headed to my cell? I had company already. The guard called out, Givens...and McNamara, get suited.The bruises from the makeshift ligature were raw and deep around my neck. I had needed to get back, the letter awaited. I had only read half.

We were transported to Deep Shit as they called the locked down cell I was in...was Issa in Deep Shit too. Apparently up to her neck if she was in the same cell as I was. My head ached inside and out. My cycle had shown up out of nowhere, and my body was sore. I was told to buy meds from commissary...

The pain! Whatever I had done wrong the first time I would not do again. I needed to be alone...somebody figured otherwise. She made doing time seem too easy, I could tell she neglected her children. I picked up the letter and started where I left off...."I didn't have a fuckin choice. U don't know what it's like for a nigga to threaten to tell yo bitch about some shit from back in the day. That was just some juvenile detention shit on set Bae. I was a weak nigga. U made me stronger. Shit a little different in here though, Baby I'll die please help me, they will let me die in here if I'm convicted. U love me still, I thought u said u were my rider Haze. Just tell them yo role, that's it. I miss u just keep writing me I can see everything u write. I sent u a code sheet...nobody needs to know."

Had he just told me my HIV test may come back positive and asked me to take a murder charge in the same letter? AND A CODE SHEET? WHAT THE FUCK?

FUCK! I loved this nigga so much. Was I sick though? What was he saying...I knew he had been locked up several times. Who was that nigga? I had to know! Were there more than one! How did the shit work! Who the fuck had I been feeding? I had visited him and he had seemed fine all those times! How dumb was I? Boogie!

Is it always this cold in the fucking cell? It was now colder and they had allowed my mattress after so long, Issa was still mattress restricted. The cockroaches crawled as she laid on the floor and listened through the vent beside the toilet. Her verbal telephone ring gained a response.

"Killaaa! Yo What's good Ese!"(Silence)

"Chillin, ISSA? YO U BACK ON LOCK!?"

She communicated with a male lock down cell below. She had been in this cell 6 months once, Killa...18.

"Send me a stamp yo!"

"Ok, let me put the order in Ruler!"

"Bet!"

"If u ever need somebody to talk to he a call away!"

I had laid on that floor and cried screamed..begged and pleaded..cursed and sworn. He had heard it all!I climbed on my bunk and sat on my knees. I wrapped my hand and began to write.30 minutes went by, I wrote constantly...I poured out my heart. Why won't he respond?! If he can see why won't he just say something! It wasn't making sense! Why was he afraid?! He controlled my every emotion, it wasn't fair!"

Your man over there huh? They savage in that dorm...my baby daddy is in Libra too." Libra...I kept writing, I could taste a Newport so bad, I could smell it.

"Cover the sprinkler," Issa said.

"How the fuck...?"

"Here watch the door... I have to cover this back up."

"Thanks for the lighter!"

"U good fam...good night!"

I was high as giraffe pussy. My head throbbed and my eyes became low.

Redd...I wanted my man. I wrote. How had they just...?

I wanted to go home. He needed me. If I took his charge...I loved him... I hadn't even known the details. I needed a bond and I had a bond hearing soon. Issa came up with the idea body heat was effective. It helped a lot.The honeybuns began to come through the vents, they helped me forget about my bald head and 5 inch scar.