Nikki ****Chapter Thirty-Five

Twan had given me a key and told me to keep up with it. He would not allow me to get away that easy, besides we had a child together. My knuckles were sore and I had walked for miles it seemed. I knew it would rain, my bullet wounds were aching like a son of a bitch, and my feet were sore like I had that shit Grandma Hazel Mae had, gout. I couldn't believe that muthafucka. I admit, I'd left and caused my own mishaps but loyalty didn't mean shit to niggas so I was about to turn savage, I was tired of bullshit. I was walking around with my ass inside out because of his sex addicted ass. He'd even turned me into a feind, that was the special part about our connection, the chemistry. I loved him, but I had to back away, the shit I suffered from didn't discriminate. Shit he'd seen snapped, we binge watched it on the regular.

I'd seen my daughter, she looked more and more like Twan and I had not gotten the impression she liked Paula. I recognized her from somewhere, I just hadn't known where from at the time. Something was fishy about that knock-kneed bitch. I kept picturing her and thought back to how she initially hadn't wanted me to see her face. It wasn't even about Twan or his hoeish ways because I knew him. I was upset behind the fact that she as a woman would allow my child to walk around in a diaper she had peed in multiple times. Maybe I overreacted...hell naw. The cotton had separated inside the plastic, I could see my babies ass cheeks. I sat her pissy ass right on his lap.

Fuck them, Ryella too. I was hurt, but I had buried that damn key where I had buried Ryan and wanted to know...

It was time to turn over some new leaves, when I was with Redd I was weak, I couldn't believe I'd let him intimidate me once upon a time. He'd been exposed in the worst way. Why had others known about his secrets and I hadn't. I'm sure the ones that had known were laughing at my dumb ass. I was kinda relieved to find out he was the fuckee, and not the fucker. I would have cut out my tongue.

I was in pain all over, and alone. I wondered about Christy's assistant, where was she. I had not wanted to go to her job to find out under no circumstances. I'd known my bitch was suffering, she'd endured so much tragedy and I had added to it. At least now she would get the insurance money. I knew there was a solution to it all, I always kept a ram in the bush. I had to come up with a plan, I'd lost the phone.

I remembered the day Christy had dropped off the insurance payment, and had known if I had only gotten injured in Trenton's home and was compensated, she had sole entitlement to his insurance payout. She was yet his wife. I couldn't take the credit, he had it coming apparently. She would collect from the property damage due to a natural disaster, and fire damage. Lamont had lost his life tragically, the life insurance would pay out double. I just had to remember which company she had went to. I'd seen why she had said it was important to always pay the insurance, including auto.

She could thank me later, either way, in or out, it was all hers...so I thought.

I had become more self confident because of Christy, I had often fabricated my childhood but I soon determined it all had turned me into a beast. My body was beat the fuck up because I hadn't made the right choices in choosing niggas, but hell, I hadn't had a fucking role model.

I walked into a Wendy's and sat, I had on another pajama set Trenton had brought back to the hospital, same pajamas, different color. He was so sweet, I wondered how anyone could take advantage of him. I was so tired and I wanted to just sit still. I had been back and forth to the bathroom, each time taking a handful of napkins, until the girl behind the counter said, "Next time Ima charge u." Then she whispered, "I got some tampons." I laughed and declined them.

I stayed until they were about to close. It had rained, stopped and began again. I just had not had any energy to leave when it stopped. I had nothing. Not even what I had brought into the world, none of them. That was enough to make anyone go crazy, and considering my fragile mental state I concluded it may have been best that way. I just wanted to heal, physically mentally and emotionally.

"Come on," the girl said. "It ain't much but I live in a duplex, u can sleep on my couch. They be shooting so stay away from the window." She had walked out as I had with her visor in her hand. "I can't wait to fire up." I refused her offer. "Girl u ain't got that much pride I know, u better come on before they find u in a ditch. U cant be walking out here, u on 35." Alicia was on her badge. "Im Nikki," she said. Well who the fuck was Alicia?

"U coming or not?" She asked. I soon agreed, I wanted to sleep and hadn't known where I would go---in the rain. I wanted to just break down, my soul was empty, I had known the blunt that bitch had lit would intensify all of my pain if I hit it. I wanted Twan so bad. I thought hard about that Paula chic, she looked so familiar. I had seen her somewhere! All the meds and trauma from the seizures had affected my memory, it frustrated me. Was I really shutting down as they had said I would eventually? She had driven about a mile and pulled into the yard of a brown and yellow duplex, the door opened and they competed toward their mama.

"Mama, I got my report card!" the girl said.

"Moriyae wrote on yo couch Mama!"

"No I didn't! That was TyShantraneice!"

"Yall always blaming everything on my baby!" Nikki yelled.

"And Arriana didn't wash them dishes!"

"Get in the house!" She yelled.

Even her baby had on a clean diaper. Huggies at that.

I was grateful, I was so stubborn and had been since a child. It had been a defense mechanism. Yet I had allowed so many men alter my perception, I had been ambitious once. I'd met Redd at the bus stop, he fucked it all up. He was the cutest boy I had ever seen. Kerri had a boyfriend, her and Josh would go out every weekend, she turned out just fine, hadn't she? Redd had taken something so precious from me, much more than Daddy had. I had to prove to them both I was no longer intimidated, I would have to address the issue as the psychologist had said, I 'd just sat and looked at him as I had for the past 45 minutes, and didn't say a word. Finally he said, "Well Miss Nelson, I'll see u in 6 weeks."

She put her children to bed and came into the living room where I sat on the couch. I was starving and as if she had known she brought me some spaghetti. "I cooked it yesterday but this all I got, we get paid Monday."

I accepted it and ate it without any hesitation. "I'm so broke, I'll donate some blood. Im on E, and can't go to work tomorrow," she said. I laughed with her but bitch can I come along? "Ain't nothing wrong with it," I said. I needed and I.D and she would witness a transformation.

I still tried to recollect where I had saw the bitch Twan had been laid up with, then it hit me. She had been at the courthouse the day I walked to the bridge, had he met her at court? Nah, it had to be more to it.

Nikki could tell I was tired, handed me the remote and went to her room. I dreamed about my babies, I had been looking for them in a house, and could not find them, but heard their cries. I should have known they would be gone when I returned to the hospital. My father had told the police I had ran away and I was a threat to myself and the babies.

The next morning after she had sent her kids to school I had asked to use Nikki's phone. Right as I began to dial the number to the hospital, a lady from Kilpatrick Life insurance had called with the wrong number. That had been the name of the company that held their policies.

A short while later I called as Karma Creighton. Christy had not been sole beneficiary.