Incapacitated **** Chapter One Hundred Twenty Two

My predilection for the luxury of being affluent was unbriefed, hindsight often remind me of how I'd been put asunder---and lacked affinity, emotionally I'd been disconnected from others. I'd even tried to convince myself from the contrition that would come and go there had been logical reasoning for the killings. Impetuous thoughts had clouded my judgement and I was blind, living in a two-sided realm that reciprocated to a world of condemnation.

Their nefarious conducts had rewarded them the sumptuous trinkets they flaunted about with their heads high wallowing in wealth and I'd often longed to be as privileged as they and willing to do anything to achieve that repute.

I struggled with the luggage cart, had I unwittingly acceded the covenant of prerogative, I deliberated?

I would leave but return the car I'd been given, I hadn't felt deserving of the fine automobile.

Since I'd drank the wine the child inside had become enraged. Nathaniel had called, he looked forward to leaving New Orleans soon and yet influenced me to leave for Florida. I'd planned to announce to him I had business to attend to when we met---surely he knew I could not just leave the orchard. Mike taunted my thoughts, he was still the aggressive voice and was capable of making me end it all---he would roar through the water in my ears and when the others had gone he was still present. He constantly reminded me of how he'd given solace while I was in Seg 6.

He was so palpable then, I would feel him inside of me; I'd scold him, Ryan would be asleep... my own moans would drive me insane. Even when I'd tied the ligature around my neck, he was there. The scar was a constant reminder and Troy would embrace it. Shonda would be so turned on, I'd even seen her looking through the small window on the cell door.

Angelic Mike had seemed...inadvertently I'd regarded his existence as being part of my sickness.

The unruly wheels rhythmically screeched as I'd guided the cart, it's weight pulled me along the uneven floor, I'd struggled to straighten the wheels while hanging onto the briefcase before getting in the elevator alone. I wondered of Louisa's whereabouts.

I'd spotted a gentleman I'd seen enter into the hotel while talking to Procell. He held the elevator door when I'd made it to the lobby and stood as if he'd waited for my arrival.

The conversation with Procell was memorable. I desired to see him again oddly and had become entranced in his presence even as I'd sat nerved from his words. Maybe I wanted to fuck him, I don't know---the child constantly needed consolation.

As if the gentleman in the white slacks and Tom Ford Cashmere sweater had forgotten he was even boarding the elevator he'd offered to assist me with the cart, I'd insisted I was capable of guiding it to valet.

I glanced at my phone as if on a time schedule to deter his intention to follow me he introduced himself as Samuel and said, "I saw u in the morning hours sitting alone, I was tempted to make my acquaintance. I won't hold u up, Happy Holidays."

After exchanging holiday greetings I headed toward valet exit, the rain was now falling at steady pace but the wind had calmed.

I received the car, departed the Hotel and joined the massive traffic, still I admired it's elegance, the stitched leather and wood grain trimmed mirror were merely a couple of the cars sophisticated features, now I was cultivated by a newfound cognizance for the superlative commodities. I recalled once sleeping under the bridge and as if I'd apprised them all I remembered the hurtful words I'd become accustomed to accepting, maybe it had been true--- children could be so cruel. I'd known I could possibly find Jennifer and would wait until Nathaniel caught the flight before I left in search of her. Considering it would be an obstacle since the cold winter rain was coming down, I almost decided against it.

I often wondered why Carlita had left and gone back to Texas. While I pictured Procell's face vividly, his words lingered---I felt accomplished and wondered why Martin hadn't wanted us meet, was he His protector?

Mama had only given me her drunk version, I knew there was more to the story and what she'd said still hadn't justified depriving me of a grandmother. Grandma never liked Kerri and said she would stink with filth even as a child.

Infinitely though, I appreciated the enlightenment I'd been granted, I could see life and knew the key to prosperity was Power.

When I arrived at the Orchard I waited for Nathaniel to arrive. I blamed Troy for the uncontrolled surges of lust that would overpower me at times, even the child would react, Dario could calm him by tending to my needs, my cries would be so seductive, my condition so contagious. Salaciously I'd traveled to a sexual peak and his conversance for my body was ethereal, he'd taken me apart and reconstructed what I thought I knew about being pleased. His honeysuckle scent would arouse my sexual senses, I'd smell him behind the door and picture him fondling his dreads, shirtless. The Babylonian room was off limits for him, I wondered why, was he afraid of my control. I'd been incapable of seeing his inner boy---unlike the rest I'd given my soul to.

I sat in the Flying Spur and noticed Shonda had forgot the small bag she'd brought along, I looked inside she had left work badges, a drivers license and $1300 but why hadn't she called? I texted her again and apologized for the episode before asking if she knew where she'd left her personal effects. As they had before, the texts went unread.

She'd left upset, but I hadn't expected her to just cut all ties or not answer my messages. I promised to make it up to her, still no reply.

Nathaniel arrived, the ground was too wet to enter into the orchard. I'd stepped out of the car and climbed into his truck, I was able to feel---I hadn't felt happiness in forever, but I was happy to see Twan's father. My genuine smile was interrupted by the look on his face, "U cannot operate the orchard for the sake of the children, the ground is sour."

What had ne meant? I couldn't just sell it, I felt I was entitled to it, it had just fallen back into my possession after it was taken from my grandparents! Weren't my children righteous? Moreso, TJ2 was Trenton's child, he was part heir anyway! For years they waited for the tree to produce and I knew it would in the spring! It's fruit was highly anticipated among them all, the elite.

At forty years old, I would be rich. I'd inherited the sight from my grandmother, hadn't I? Why else could I see the trees, even Ryella.

"The owners have done countless things to get the ground to produce for centuries. LaDonna heard her Mama cry many nights, she knew they would lose the orchard, it drove her crazy her debt would never be settled---just something about this place. For years the apples would die as soon as they were plucked, the customers would complain about receiving boxes of rotten apples, but they all were in search of the fruit from the two trees, many were told the apples would come. In 84 when the tree of---well, it produced and Emily Ellis told everybody it looked like it was on fire before the apples appeared. That year the orders couldn't be filled quick enough. She believed in 11 years the apples would return. A long time ago that shed was full of the apples, they never withered. They who ate them begin to heal and claimed to receive spiritual blessings."

I'd asked what was so bad about taking my chances, he said "The ground needs nourishment, it requires nourishment---the Earth will become angry, it thirsts blood, Abel's bloodshed as Cain had caused. I'd told Pam when the boys were younger not to let Tobias and Antwan come to the Orchard, I knew the evil it possessed. What we see is parallelled with a universe that can't be seen in the light, they are the Powers of Darkness and are very real. I couldn't save my children, I'd given them away years ago unknowingly."

I looked at the trees they were bright in the midst of the orchard, I found it hard to believe he could not see what I saw and I'd told him, he'd only said, "If u can see the trees u can see everything, ask yourself why."

Nathaniel spoke to me with sincerity, a Bible was on his dashboard, something about his nature was gentle as Twan's had been. I wanted to know about Mama, and her youth. "She was blind, and had to survive. Cut from a different cloth and wanted to be accepted. It took her awhile to regain her sanity after Percy found her in the ditch, she hadn't remembered anything, not even how she got in the predicament she was in, Sharon was covered in ants, bleeding---we thought she had been raped. Her fever was so high I went and got Pam, she was going to school to be a nurse. She didn't even know how she could tolerate a temperature that high."

Hell, I did.

He said Martin knew how to lure them back in with the easy money, and each job Daddy promised would be his last. Cliff had switched sides, Martin didn't approve. He mocked Christianity, even the time of Jesus' crucifixion---3:30. He said he would tell them of a child who would be reincarnated and leave his mark. His cousin would come before him but perish, his birth had been prophesied in the writing, I'd read it myself. In that season the white serpent would appear as man and the moon would turn red over the garden. I'd read the walls, and also knew the horsemen were loose. I'd mentioned Andre LaFitte, the pause in Nathaniel's expression further disturbed me..."Aren't u curious to know why u have even come in contact with the people u have run across, also wonder what their interest is in u. He's rich for certain, have u ever wondered who makes the elite rich? Does the Good Book not read it is hard for a rich man to enter into the gates of Heaven? Why would God give unnecessary riches. One does not need to be rich---only the deceiver will give u riches, he giveth and also taketh away. LaFitte has one of the largest grape orchards in the world."

He was definitely rich, in him I'd only seen demanding determination and I praised his status.

"Martin's mother found immunity---I mean somehow she is still alive. In 1984 the WIndsor Court was built, the same year the Orchard produced. It hadn't mattered if Alexander was Cliff's father or not, her womb had become polluted. Her own mother had talked to the spirits, she'd taught your grandmother the blood rituals on the land...many said your grandmother brought home a demon they couldn't rid, Jennifer claimed to have seen him so had LaDonna. Louisa had given her son to darkness before he was even conceived, but how could the corrupted expect to produce what is good? A withered tree cannot render good fruit. Likewise seeds don't always fall on good ground. I haven't grieved my children's deaths, I'd expected them all."

Those words shook me, and I'd known those trees needed blood to produce, the remains I'd seen had been disturbed how many had been sacrificed? Nathaniel mentioned the twins, I found it ironic he had two sets, he said they were two halves of the same whole. I thought about my son and daughter. Twalla had been born with one dimple, he said their defense was strong whether good or bad, I didn't know what he meant but would find out in the long run.

Nathaniel blamed himself for Trenton's ties to Martin, when Kevin was killed after robbing the convenience store it was he who reached out to Martin after he'd distanced himself---he helped with the legal trouble, Trenton was obligated to work off the debt. He'd returned to the Orchard with an assignment after becoming a special agent.

No matter what he said about the Orchard I saw myself with Lawrence's help becoming a successful business woman. He'd texted 911, I mentally notated returning his call.

I became edgy when remembering how Trenton had taken me into the shed and seduced me on the shed floor on top of the mulch. He'd painted the walls but the floor was the same, I contemplated removing the mulch to see if what Procell said was true about the writing. What did it say?

Instantaneously and nostalgically while listening to a song that had come on I remembered when I'd last heard it. It was the night Redd had left his phone, Rihanna's Umbrella had played from the speaker that sat on the headboard. I tried hard to remember what I'd seen in his phone. Sex with Terrell was intense, if I'd killed him what prompted me to do so, I had calculated his murder hadn't I? Had Redd left the phone intentionally, what had he wanted me to see, he never left his phone behind? I needed answers, everybody was dead! I could no longer stay and talk to Nathaniel, I told him I needed to get things in order and I would call him to schedule the flight. I truly contemplated doing so.

The rain continued to pour down, when I arrived back at the Bentley Nathaniel noticed but didn't mention it, soaking wet I got inside and considered driving through the gate. I planned on going into the shed.

I wasn't afraid of what I knew but afraid of what I didn't know. I sympathized Procell and recanted his story---I'd seen Trenton in the shed in my dream, what had he seen inside as a child, hadn't he played with the rotten apples? I didn't have Procell's number, I hadn't known where he lived or where to find him, I wanted to look for him and hadn't even had a cause. What did he drive? I couldn't find any information on where he lived!

I'd stayed at the orchard a few minutes sitting in the car but decided to leave, the voice was becoming louder---it had almost convinced me to turn around, I kept going. Overwhelmed with grief and sorrow I pulled to the side of the highway and broke down! I screamed, the lump in my throat would not allow me to breathe, I was alone they were all gone! Who did I have!? I texted Shonda and gave her a piece of my mind, it remained unread. I couldn't be alone for the holidays, I knew I wouldn't make it! I had money, the most exquisite car I'd ever seen but I was alone!

What had I done to deserve to be alone? I had family, children; a mother---a sister! I considered my mother, really what had been the reason for her actions all those years? Why could she not stay sober, what was it she tried to cover up? I didn't know where I was, I just wanted to hear my children's voice and hold them! I needed to see them; right then, the burden of being away from them was becoming heavy. I thought about Nikki's children and broke down, it was Christmas...

What was my purpose!!?

Hadn't I called on God, why hadn't he answered!? The rapes, the heartache and betrayal, I could relate to Mama, maybe I was praying to the wrong God! I'd left the prison with a clean and forgiving heart, what had happened? I was happy Nathaniel was my children's grandfather and felt he could love them with a clean heart and had overcome the ordeal, I didn't know how but his method had proven effective. Trenton had refrained from calling him Dad and addressed him by his first name but I knew he could love my babies.

I turned the radio up from the steering column and decided to settle for whatever was currently playing. Alexander's choice of music was peculiar and I could not hear its source, no CD ejected and the tuner was off. Music from the Calliope played from the surround speakers, I'd attempted to turn it off and swerved in my lane. I recalled the Hungarian suicide song Shonda had turned on, the hair stood on my back. The volume had excelled almost to its maximum, turning it down was an obstacle, it had startled me to death! Finally I succeeded, I had to learn to operate the car. The instrument that had played disturbed me to the bone---it hadn't been a modern but the steamboat calliope created in the 1850's. The station, I had to find it but later. The shrill sound remained in my ears.

My suffering would not be in vain, dammit!

I'd gone to the gas station where I had the altercation with the lady on the curb, I wouldn't rest until I knew if she was Jennifer Myers. Was I that fuckin lonely?

I wanted to spend Christmas with my daughters and visit my mother, what was more important than family?

I had killed so many people and couldn't understand what had so easily influenced my actions. According to me I had probable cause and felt powerful when taking their lives but I still deserved happiness, didn't I? So much abuse, what else had they expected from me? Hadn't the doctors told them so? My mind functioned on a fabricated axis, quite naturally I would kill. I was becoming physically sick, I'd never been so weak during pregnancy.

I knew the trip to Shreveport would consume the day if I went, I hadn't even got much sleep, had no clothes, but I needed someone. They all had just abandoned me! The hurt was so unbearable but I kept going, set on seeing my babies.

I'd been driving almost two hours, out of nowhere Dario called my phone, now I was angry! Where the fuck had he been? I'd called and texted him numerous times, I had needed him, was he playing with me? He had to tell me what happened to my nephew---his nephew! Fuck him too! I declined the call but he called right back.

I finally answered after his third call and told him I was on my way to Shreveport, he could fuck off and be with his Mama.

Suddenly I began to pant, frighteningly I'd become overwhelmed, something was coming over me.

"Turn back, I can feel your distance," he said calmly, it felt as if his words had entered into my body. He'd only spake but set me on fire; my strength returned while lust depleted my intentions. I ended the call.

He didn't call again but I had turned around headed toward Saint Charles Ave with tears dripping onto my chest.