I See The You In You

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I awoke this misty cold morning

Out of my stupid fear of being alone in the early morning hours

And I went to go see if anyone could tell me what happened after I passed out

I got lost in the vast old templehouse halls

Soon I was just walking anywhere for what must have been hours

Soon I could feel my belly rumble with hunger and I was tired and panicked

I always hated the feeling of being lost…

Perhaps thats why I'm so nervous all the time

I've been lost since my Daha died

My Otōsan never met my eyes again after that

Its like he was a statue of my Otōsan that was just in my parent's old room

My ojiisan was there but…

I was just another disappointment to him

I was lost

Lost in life with no direction and no dreams

I had no one to guide my heart to safety

When I went into heat the first time I had no idea what was happening

And my ojiisan told me it was shameful to ever speak of such a disgusting thing

I was locked in my room and told not to cry no matter how much it hurt

When I did cry ojiisan would drag me outside and whip my back with reeds until it would bleed

So I suppose I became numb to the pain

Not just the pain of the body but I suppose the pain of the heart as well

And now I was lost again and I didnt even have my ojiisan

I don't know who I have

… Kyion

Hes like my Otōsan in more than just his stone soul

His eyes turn from mine as he turns from me just as my Otōsan as he began to drift away

Its like he will eventually lose any interest that he might have in me

And those warm eyes will hold no love or romance for me

...but then again what did I expect from such a marriage!

A boy from a fallen family married off to the Kie whom desperately needed an approved bride

Of course there would be no romantic fairytales come to life here

Just this same emptiness in my foolish heart

Its like my Daha said

I'm a moth drawn to the light

Even if it's a light thats just not meant to be my hearts home

And as I feel the tears run down my cheeks for the first time in years, I can't help but silently prey a selfish prayer

A prayer that anyone!

Anyone at all would come and...hold me!...

Just...hold me warm and safe in their arms

But I know that such a thing is simply too much to wish for someone like me

Especially while thinking of Kyion

He probably dreams of another that is more beautiful than I

Who am I kidding all the others are more beautiful than I

But still I can't help but cry into my kimono sleeve as I think of my selfish wants

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As I finally felt my tears dry and my blurry vision fade away

 I sat up only to hear the sounds of fighting from the courtyard outside the windows just to my right

It scared me to the bone but I couldn't resist going to see what it was

And what saw made my heart bolt in my chest

It was my Kyion

And he was beautiful!

 Ever since I was young, I've been told stories about the powers of the Kie masters

About their bloody battles and their mutilation and for a long time it frightened me

But ...here was a real Kie master!

He wasn't like how I imagined

He wasn't brutish but...graceful

And selfless

Every move of his sword was like the move of an artist's hand

Fine like a poet's pen

Delicate like a weed swaying with the river

But strong as an ancient oak

And as completely mesmerizing and mystical as  Wisteria flowers dancing under the moonlight

But what I also saw was a brave man who looked so lost

And so defeated

It's like the idea of being loved even by his own kin was a foreign concept

How!...how could a heart burning so bright be so busted and bruised

And then he noticed me and without a second thought I didn't want to explain to him that I was lost like a child so I said the first thing that came to my mind 

Something about the bathhouse I couldn't even hear my own thoughts

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