Chapter 10: Her Past

Vi POV

It was 6:30 PM when I was resting a bit from today's quizzes. Some of the quizzes were difficult to the point that it was making me feel dumber from one quiz to another. My phone vibrated on my study table. I looked at my notifications and noticed that Dan sent a message.

"Hello, Vi. How are you? I'd like to ask something not related to our requirements. " 

"I'm fine. After those quizzes a while ago, I can't believe that they gave us more work to do."

"If that's the case, I'll try to ask you again tomorrow. Sorry for the disturbance"

"It's okay. I'll see if I can entertain your questions tomorrow."

It was the first time he started a conversation with me. "Well, of course, he is your tutee after all. You even told him to message you at any moment," replied my thoughts. 

His sudden message reminded me of the time I have someone to talk to 24/7, my former crush. I know I couldn't bring back time but I hope that one day we will be okay. I wished there will be closure between us.

5 years ago

"Oh my goodness Violet. Don't be overconfident with your singing. You have an annoying voice whenever you sing. Your protruded teeth are too ugly. Even if you are smarter than us, we have better social skills than you. The school doesn't need a bunny like you."

This is what I usually hear from the bullies of my school. It caused my depression, anxiety, pessimism, and lack of appetite. I thought no one would even defend me from them until a familiar classmate showed up.

He gestured his hand towards an empty storage room. "Hurry Violet, hide here."

I sped up my running and went inside. He checked his surroundings and went inside. We were both stuck there for a few minutes to ensure that they will not find me. 

He changed his gaze and asked, "Are you alright Vi? They looked like they were up to no good." 

I replied back, "I'm okay." Even though I'm not.

"That's not. I saw what they're doing to you a few days back. Come on, you can tell me. I will not tell anyone."

That is how our friendship started.  We would have deep conversations until eleven o'clock clock at night which seems to have no end. Every day, we would hide in an empty room to talk about life, school, and basically random stuff. 

But I will always remember these words, "You deserve to be happy. You deserve to succeed. You deserve a lot of things that I can't give you. You know why? Because you are not the type of girl to give up and I hope that you'll feel special someday. You are a rare gem to be preserved." If he only knew how I felt before yet I can't risk our friendship.

***

After passing the entrance test and transferring schools, everything seems to have changed. He stopped replying back to my messages. All my messages were 'seenzoned'. He stopped all communications with me. The last time we talked was vacation before the first day of classes as a junior. As I entered a new school year, my world became grey without him. I still held onto hope that we'll have our usual playful conversations once again.

I didn't know whether he was busy or he didn't want to talk with me anymore. Even if I'm busy, I try to find ways so that we could talk a bit. Even if I initiate the conversation, he won't reply. A short message from him made my day complete before but now I got used to his absence. 

I've seen his recent pictures on his social media accounts, he seems happy now. He has a new group of friends in his new school. His timeline is filled with shared posts and memes. As months went by, I've noticed that he shares emotional quotes more often. From that, I became worried. Even if he doesn't reply back and only reads my messages, I still send him some motivational quotes I saved in my gallery.

***

It was on August 21, 2016, 9:30 PM when I decided to text him again with high hopes that he'll reply.

I'm getting worried about his sudden changes in social media, how is he? I cannot bear doing anything, I want to cheer him up. 

I texted him, "Hiiii. I saw your recent story and noticed that you were stressed a while ago. I'm here to cheer you up. We'll make it to the end so don't worry about anything."

I thought mine was another seenzoned message, however, he replied back harshly. What did I do to deserve this?

"Do you know that I'm tired? I'm so tired of talking with people that even a single word from you annoys me. I'm just tired of handling everything and everyone. You won't understand me anyway. I don't want to hurt you. I've changed because of my environment and I'm afraid that I could say something you won't like.

 I wished you didn't transfer schools. If you didn't, maybe I have someone I can rely on. I don't want to end this friendship but I've already decided. I'm sorry but we cannot remain as friends anymore."

His message made me burst into tears. Why does it feel like it's all my fault? I started typing the words I wanted to say, to backfire his sudden message.

"If you wanted to end it then fine. I don't want to force myself in getting your attention. I don't want to hope that you'll have time replying back. I'm a fool waiting for your messages every day. You should have told me earlier. You should have told me so that I won't get tired. Don't you know that I'm tired too?

Even if I'm tired, I find time for our conversations. But I cannot persuade you any more to stay by my side. Thank you for those brief moments which made me realize that I finally had a best friend who listened to me in my darkest times. You're not the Andrew I knew before. I don't know if I can trust you ever again. You're the reason for my endless questions stuck in my head. 

'Why won't he reply?'

'Did we lack in any aspect of friendship?'

'Did I do anything wrong?'

'Am I not enough?'

'How can we maintain our friendship when you won't even trust me?'

Still, I wish you the best of luck. Goodbye old friend."

I almost clicked the send button. What was I thinking? How would he feel if I sent it? 

I erased my message and sent a very short message. "Okay"

I didn't send it because I don't know what he's going through. Maybe he's just too stressed in school. I'm that friend who tries to understand one's situation. Even if no one understands my troubles, I'll try to help everyone who needs a piece of advice from their everyday life. I know the feeling of being left out of a crowd. I've felt hopelessness which leads to my judgment that I'm actually alone.

A short message can mean a lot. Sometimes you don't know if they are feeling okay or not. Most of the time, people use this simple word to hide what they really feel.

I thought he would get through it. He mentioned that no matter what happens, we'll remain as strong as friends. Was it all a lie? I trusted him in every problem I faced. Why can't he do the same? I guess promises were meant to be broken after all.

I became distant from others. I've strayed away from academics. I never became a DL. What's the point of becoming a DL if the person who gave you the inspiration to carry on suddenly left? I lost my appetite and gained weight from overeating. 

I can't feel anything anymore. It's like I became a very different person. I became too sensitive to the people around me. Afterward, I found out that he is with someone who is better than me in all aspects. 

It felt like someone stabbed a knife straight into my heart. I was there for him but he chose someone else. 

Who was I to even get jealous? We never became a couple. Yet, I tried to move-on. It took me almost a year to completely move on from the past. To move on from what we had.

I don't know how I "moved on" but I always told myself, "If you really love a person, you have to let them go even though it hurts. Because if you really love the person, his happiness is more important than your own. Love is more precious if you love a person without expecting him or her to love you back." 

I wished I was there to support him, but after a month, I found out that he was going through pain. Where was I when he needed someone to talk to?

With several requirements given to me by my teachers, I stopped texting him. I thought his messages were a clear signal that he didn't need me anymore. I was wrong.

I thought that I could talk to him again but unfortunately, he blocked me in all his social media accounts after I asked him if he was okay. I wish I could bring back our friendship but there is no hope for us in bringing back what's left from it.

Is there any chance of renewing the friendship we had before?